My wife has become increasingly obsessed with the internet's favourite naughty songwriter Kunt & The Gang. Demanding that we watch and re-watch his youtube channel: "He's just so common. He's wonderful."
We watch for the 5th time his Kate Perry skit, "I sucked off a bloke (I didn't like it)" and I mention that the only press he ever gets appears to be in porn mags. According to his website, Fiesta mostly.
"It's the name", my wife points out, "Nobody else can touch him."
"Yep. You can't say Kunt on the radio", I reply.
Kunt deserves more attention though. His songs are more than just rude, there's something thoughtful about them. "Use my arsehole as a cunt" is a metaphor for the compromises we accept to earn a living, whilst "Fred and Rose" is a folie a deux celebration of a love - something that friends accuse me and my wife of living, but most of all his material is funny.
I'm suddenly seized by desire to right this wrong and get this Kunt some press - I fire off a few emails to lads mags figuring if they'll happily print pics of ladies with their tits out then they'll probably not mind a few amusing songs about wanking. But nope, apparently not.
"The combination of his name and the fact that he's still a very niche cult act means that he's not made it into the pages of Nuts as we are much more mainstream than that", Dominic Smith, Nuts.
"Hmm - maybe a bit too Front/Sunday Sport for us.", Chris Bell FHM.
So I phone Kunt anyway and have a chat, and he agrees that there are problems working with such a "challenging" name. "Gig promoters will put down the phone on me when I mention the name." I suggest swapping the letters to make the name "Knut". "Well, that would break the joke wouldn't it?"
There's something joyously quixotic about this combination of fantastic songs - that are no ruder than anything in Little Britain and an unsayable name, Kunt says, "I don't want to make TV or get on the radio. Famous people are all dreadful."
Kunt is best on the subject of song-writing - it's clearly a passion for him, "I chat to friends in the pub about funny stuff that's happened to us and I look out for anything I can use for a song. Most of it is 100% true."
Then I do one my "Tiny-from-Ultrasound" moments. Tiny was a 20 stone plus wannabe pop star from the mid 90s - the NME foisted him on the public as an unlikely cover-star and the public said no. A few years back I was at a music quiz frequented by music industry types and there was this very large man sitting opposite, the living spit of Tiny. After consuming several glasses of fizzy beer I asked, "Are you Tiny from Ultrasound?". For a moment he paused and I thought he was going to attack me but instead he hissed: "Now, I've heard it all" and turned on a heel and stormed out of the bar.
So my Tiny-from-Ultrasound moment today is asking Essex boy Kunt, "Do you common-it-up for comedy effect?" Um. Apparently not. Kunt was good enough not to slam the phone down but he was gasping at the question and I felt dreadful for asking it. Sorry Kunt.
In the end we agree to doing an old school B3ta interview - where the boarders supply some questions and Kunt writes some funny answers - which is fine but not my original plan which was to do more of a "man behind the comedy creation" style feature. Kunt is not ready to reveal this much yet, maybe one day, but in the here and now, take it away B3tards:
Can I have one of those polaroids of your ex girlfriend who died?
Sorry mate but I accidentally spilt something on the last one.
Kunt, and your gang, if you were to suck another blokes cock, and it can be anyone's, living or dead, whose would it be?
It would have to be Michael Jackson's cock, just so I could see if Jordy Chandler's description had the mole in the right place. And I wonder if his cock went white as well. There was a kid in junior school called Sean Pullen who was white and had a black cock, to this day I don't know why.
Who are you and why should I care?
After the demise of MJ, I have taken over his mantle as the new King of Pop. I used to be black (I blacked up once), I have invented pioneering dance moves, I wear one glove (admittedly it's a washing up glove that I use to wank off my dog), and there were unfounded rumours of my sleepover parties with neighbour's kids.
Why do you never play any major festivals?
I would like to say it's a moral statement against the mainstream but in reality it's because no fucker ever asks us to.
What's it like being the poor mans Goldie?
Even Goldie had to start somewhere. I'm sure he didn't just wake up one day with a big jungle back catalogue and a whole mouth of gold teeth. The good news is I have been saving up my iTunes income and birthday and Christmas money and I'm on course for a second one in September 2011.
What's the best way of attracting Spanish cats with huge bollocks?
How can I get hair as fabulous as yours?
Miscellaneous products. I can't reveal the exact combination, It's a secret as closely guarded as Colonel Sanders's.
Following on from Perverts on the Internet, Who is your favourite pervert?
On the internet or off. My favourite pervert is former Coronation Street actor Len Fairclough. As far as I can remember it's a story that involves two girls, a swimming pool and a man's thumb apparently slipping.
Who is your favourite piece of Jailbait in history?
Natalie Portman in Leon or Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver?
Or maybe there are others?
Ian Beale's daughter. I've consulted my team of lawyers and it's OK as long as you stick with them until they are legal.
One thing I would like to ask the b3tards - The girl who sat opposite me in junior school used to drop her ruler so you would go under the desk to get it and she'd show you her front bottom. She would now have the private parts of a 35-year-old lady so is it legal to have a wank about that?
If you had a fetish, what would it be?
I don't really get fetishes. I'm just a regular guy who would generally get a stiffy about ladies in the nude. I can't see how it's going to give me a bigger stiffy being dressed up in rubber and getting whacked in the bollocks with a table tennis bat.
I have only masturbated once today, how many times have you masturbated today?
Twice so far. It's only 9.35am but there was a fit chav bird on Jeremy Kyle.
Have you ever offended anyone in a really satisfying way?
It's quite satisfying to see angry humourless Michael Jackson fans bemoaning my shoddy half-arsed tribute on YouTube.
What is your greatest attribute, and how does it help you in your day-to-day life?
That would have to be the girth of my penis. It helps in my day-to-day life by making up for my lack of length. It's like a tree stump.
If you could get a good record deal, but had to tone down on the language in your songs, would you accept it?
I like to think I would tell them to fuck off, but if it was for loads of money I'd probably have to reluctantly tell them to get lost.
Are you a dog or cat person?
I'm both. Apparently this is not really allowed. Cats are an ungrateful, selfish bunch of cunts who just use you whenever it suits them. Whereas dogs are a bunch of stupid gullible overenthusiastic cunts who chew up all your star wars figures when you're out. I think I'm both as well.
If you weren't called Kunt & the Gang, what would you be called?
The Bryan Ferry Disaster.
Do the people of Basildon appreciate you?
Not as much as I would like, but then again I think I should be carried aloft across the town square like Bobby Moore in '66 every time I pop to the shops.
If they'd asked you to perform your moving Michael Jackson tribute at his Memorial Concert, would you have accepted?
I waited by the phone for a couple of days before but they didn't call. I was a bit gutted because I thought this could be my 'Candle in the Wind' moment.
When was the last time you did a proper arms stretched out impression of a plane?
When I was doing my show '9/11' at the Ipswich Mime festival.
If you could be anyone in the world, just for one day, who would you kill?
I would be the ghost of Stuart Lubbock and I'd kill Michael Barrymore in an embarrassing heterosexual way, like drowning in a vat of chocolate or getting run over by a milk float.
Who was your last wank over?
Yesterday's last wank was over Rachel Riley off Countdown. I knocked off early yesterday with an RSI.
As a rapist, what is your favourite colour of Midget Gem?
As a rapist it would be pink, or as a bum-rapist, brown.
Tell me about one of your songs that started as a true story?
All of them! Surely everyone has a pornographic photo up the loft of a deceased former partner and has at one point or other shit themselves at a fancy dress party?
Is the gold tooth real?
Fucking right! It's the best £243 I ever spent, it's a complete clit magnet.
What jobs have you done in the past?
My last job was handyman for the Youth Service in Essex. It sounds dire but I had unrestricted access to the Youth Club toilets for sniffing, I mean fixing the toilet seats.
How does being called "Kunt" affect your chances of commercial success?
I think that question pretty much answers itself. No one will touch us with a shitty stick!
What do you think of famous people?
They are mostly a great big bunch of cunts. Apart from the nice ones like Ainsley Harriot and Clare Balding.
Have you ever met Carol Vorderman?
I met her once but I found myself unable to speak. I just said 'Carol' in a squeaky voice and she looked at me really funny and then I just went off in my pants.
That's an interesting name. How did you come up with it? Is it a reference to anything in popular culture, or did you just make it up?
It's funny you should ask that. I just made it up but then one day I got a 'cease and desist' notice served on me by the lawyers of another band with a similar name. They were called Kool and the Gang. I'd never heard of them but apparently they were a bunch of funky black fellows from the 70s who morphed into a bunch of cheesy black fellows from the eighties and I'd inadvertently copied their name, changing one word for comedy effect. I hate it when that happens.
What is your biggest vice?
Sucking other blokes' dicks?
Or maybe something else?
It's probably wanking. I just like it and don't see any reason to stop, apart from the fact my shaft has finger indentations like a well worn BMX handlegrip.
Have you ever met Kool from that other gang?
He's called Robert Bell in real life. If so, does he like your stuff?
I haven't ever met Kool, and would be a bit worried to because a couple of his gang did look pretty handy.
Oh, and are you in a real gang?
Like, with a hideout and passwords and stuff... I am in a real gang, but we haven't got a hideout or passwords, we just hang around outside McDonald's spitting and making pensioners feel intimidated.
Have you ever thought of entering the Eurovision Song Contest?
If not, have you ever thought of entering Carol Smillie?
I want to enter my song "I'm gonna lick you out" into Eurovision for one of the Balkan countries so they haven't got a clue what I'm on about. Even if I wanted to I would not be able to enter Carol Smilllie. If you remember it was reported that all the time she spent dicking around with other people's decorating, she actually neglected something much closer to home and throughtout the heyday of Changing Rooms her minge fell into serious disrepair. By the time the show finished it was practically derelict and was finally condemned.
Did you watch space shuttle Endeavour launch on wednesday night?
I didn't. The first and last one I watched was the one that exploded and I'm worried that I might have jinxed it.
What's your favourite song you done written?
My favourite is Carol Vorderman because it says everything I want to say about my unrequited love. It is a classic love ballad played at a frantic speed.
What is your favourite song someone else made. Can you/will you do a cover of that song in a Kunt and the Gang style?
My favourite song is 'In the Navy' by the Village People. I will not be doing a cover version of it any time soon as I'm trying to shake off my homoerotic image and I don't think that would necessarily help matters.
Boxers or briefs?
White Y-fronts. Unless you've got the squirts, in which case even a quick trip up the shops feels like russian roulette.
Do you like dolphins?
I like dolphins but not as much as horses. Do you think seaworld should have horses?
I do not give a flying fuck about dolphins. What have they ever done for me, the fucking smart arse fishy fuckpigs.
Daddy or chips?
Do you feel your music is the natural progression of the other Basildon boys done good Depeche Mode?
Yes, I do. I feel that if they'd have gone down a sweary electropop route instead of the morbid dirge that was 'Songs of faith and devotion' they might be as popular as I am today.
What, in your opinion, is the best way to remove an ocelot from someone's ascending colon?
You need to rotate a vole around the edge of your opening and hope it tickles his fancy.
I'm looking for a good book to read have you any suggestions?
I've just finished 'Wicked beyond belief - the hunt for the Yorkshire Ripper.' It's extensive but good. It's full of 'watch out for men with beards' material and also the revelation that when they arrested him he had his pants in his pocket and was wearing a V neck jumper on his bottom half with knee pads so he could just kneel down, pop his cock out and have a wank. Cheeky!
When did you first become interested in
I'm not sure if this question is about the music or the wanking but the answer to both is a) in my teens and b) to stop me going out raping.
Carol Vorderman or chips?
Carol Vorderman's tits.
Also, my pal Will said you tasted like beefy wheat crunchies. Discuss.
I remember that. I was secreting that week and did warn him but he insisted on having a nibble.
Is Little Kunt supposed to be your son?
And do you keep him on when you masturbate?
As b3ta bod 'Code of Post' rightly answered to this, he is my former parasitic twin. He was discovered just before my 30th birthday wedged up my colon and was born via a new operation, tentatively entitled an 'anal caesarian' and came out covered in blood, shit and sweetcorn.
Please can you suggest a good torrent for your albums?
I refer you to our song 'The illegal download song' whereby, "Every time you share our files, the evil God of downloads smiles, and a little deformed baby cries tears of blood from his jap's eye."
What can you possibly call your next album?
There's got to be a wanking and crying based title that I haven't covered yet. Even when you think you've had your last wank and cry something unexpected always comes along - like when Jade Goody died of cancer of the kebab and I was looking for a picture on Google images to go with my tribute poem and accidentally came across a jpeg of her with her knockers and flaps out on the Sunday Sport website.
What's your favourite insult? And I live near Basildon - should I be scared?
I've got a mate who looks like a downs syndrome Robbie Williams and never get bored of that one. And no, there's no need to be scared unless you are a female 14-60 and out after dark.
Are Fred and Rose your favourite serial killers? Or do you prefer Dennis Nilsen?
There's something to be said for both of em. My favourite bit in the Fred and Rose story is how she'd have a procession of well hung Afro-Caribbean gents coming round to service her box while Fred looked through a peephole and had a wank. And Dennis Nilsen keeping a bloke's cock and bollocks in his fridge takes some beating.
Dear Mr Kunt, can you sing "Database Latency" in a deep voice please?
I just did it, was that OK for you or shall I go an octave down?
Would you like to see a picture of me having a wank over a picture of your mum?
That I would like to see because having caught a glimpse of her wrinkly old beef curtains when she was getting out the shower I find it very hard to believe that anyone would be aroused over her. Please post it up.
I just listened to one of your songs. How will you go about giving me back the 3 minutes of my life you stole?
If it was one of my songs it was probably just two and a half minutes but all the same sorry about that.
Kunt, aren't you the ginger bloke off Pimp my Ride UK?
No I am not ginger. Or that bloke. Or off Pimp my Ride UK. But I'm always interested in receiving pics of lookalikes - see me website.
Also, how long did it take you to save up for the awesome keyboard in "Perverts"? Or did your mum get you it for Christmas?
I was handed down that keyboard by my uncle who upgraded to one where you can play more than one note at once, the fucking show off.
If you were in an accident and had to have any animal grafted to your body to save your life, what animal would it be?
I think it would be one of them flatfish, or is it rays(?), that have a front bottom just like a human lady's.
Who in your gang is the the biggest kunt and why?
I am the biggest Kunt in my gang because I have fingered two of my mates wives/girlfriends without them knowing. Plus the only other person in it is Little Kunt and he's alright really.
Is it true that Little Kunt is planning a solo album of Glitter covers?
Nearly. He's actually planning an album of mash-ups, one of which is Glitter's 'Do you wanna touch...' mashed up with Rolf Harris's 'Two little boys'.
What else have people used your arsehole as?
I generally just use it as a regular arsehole, you know, for shitting and that, but at one point or other people have used it as 1. A desk tidy. 2. A brown paint pot. 3. Of course, a cunt.
Where is the strangest place you have woken up?
In the middle of a roundabout with a load of people dressed up as red indians.
Where is the strangest place you have put your penis in?
My mate's mum.
My question is, where can i buy Kunt merchandise? Is there a "real doll" version of Little Kunt?
Visit kuntandthegang.co.uk for all your merchandising needs. We are still working on a Little Kunt lifesize doll. Rather than targeting the kids, we're looking at giving it a real working young boy's anus and going for the internet paedo market. You heard it here first.
I love your Fred and Rose opus, will you be doing any more ditties about serial killers, and if so, who about?
Peter Sutcliffe gets a namecheck in 'Men with beards (what are they hiding?)' as does nan's favourite Harold Shipman in the song 'For a million pounds'. There are no plans at the moment although I would never rule out a 2-minute electropop biography of Beverley Allit.
And what's stopping you from entering Britain's got talent?
One final shred of personal dignity. You'd never think it to look at me.
Dear Mr Kunt, I am writing to you to inform your very good self that I do most sincerely and greatly enjoy your humble videos. They really do make me laugh most appallingly like a drain.
However do you feel that you are an appropriate entertainer for an innocent girly like me?
I feel I am at my most appropriate in the company of innocent girlies. Unfortunately, wank-inducing questions like this are nearly always written by fifty-year-old male abattoir workers from the midlands trying to give me a hard on.
What would you rather be for a day - an ugly girl or a hot ladyboy?
Ugly girl. At least the shame goes after a week or so. That shaven, tanned, shrunken cock and bollocks lives with you for a lifetime.
Have you guys ever thought about making a musical?
Because it'd be a joy, I'm sure. And an internet sensation! Sort of like Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog, but with profanity and knobs and stuff.
Funny you should ask that. I've just finished writing 'Shannon Matthews: The Musical' which will be released on CD/download later in the year and hopefully end up as a big West End hit with Bonnie Langford as Karen Matthews, Darren Day as Craig Meehan and Jason Donovan as his namesake Terence Donovan. And guest starring Gary Coleman as Shannon. It is as you predicted full of profanity and knobs and stuff.
Can you write a song that involves swine flu, wanking and terrorists?
With my immense talent I probably could but I worry about giving out mixed messages, and that it would end up with me celebrating terrorism, thinking there was never any justification for swine flu and being secretly worried about wanking.
Have your parents ever heard your songs?
Yes. Not that keen.
Do you think Glitter Beat could ever make a comeback?
It could be a while. I was DJing in a club and played 'Leader of the Gang' and nearly got lynched. I reckon he just needs to croak with a sympathy vote illness and we'll all be saying how good he was. It's worked for Jacko and Jade.
Have you ever been offended by a joke?
I secretly got offended by a racist joke once but it was told in a Basildon pub by a big bloke with tattoos and a skinhead so I made a point of laughing extra loud so I didn't get outed as a woolly liberal.
Do you swear in front of your relatives?
I am so immersed in my world of foul language that I can no longer differentiate between regular words and swearwords. For example if you gave me a list of words such as bike, flagpole, cereal, superglue and mingeflaps I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
If you apply for a day job, do you mention Kunt and The Gang on your CV?
Kunt and the Gang is my full time occupation, but if for example I was going for a job being one of those cunts in an orange apron who can never tell you where anything is in B&Q I would probably put on my CV something like 1994 - 2003: Essex County Council - Toilet seat repairman. 2003 - present: Self-employed - Popular cultural figurehead.
I am in Southend and sometimes you are in Southend, or you have been, and you are in Basildon and I go past Basildon sometimes. Should I stop to take in the sights?
Yes, you should stop. It is worth going to Basildon on a weekday daytime for a glimpse into the future. You will note how a large percentage of the population have evolved so they no longer need to use their legs and travel round on wheels.
Underpants... comfort or style?
I think with white Y-fronts you get the best of both worlds.
Slade or Quo?
Quo from January to mid November then treat yourself and crack open Slade for Xmas.
Do you think that we have come to an harmonious cul-de-sac and would a better contrapuntal technique improve music in general?
I don't know mate, I just turn me keyboards on and muck around until sounds catchy.
What song would you like played at your funeral?
One of your own, or...whose?
I would like the song 'Bright Eyes' played at my funeral so everyone ended up bawling their eyes out, whether they liked me or not.
So, Mr Kunt. Fess up, you're Lady Gaga without the soft focus aren't you?
How dare you. She is a fucking rotter, I don't think I'd want to have full intercourse with her but I would P...p...p...poke her face, p...p....poke her face.
Do you realize that gangs are a serious threat and a menace to society?
How did yours get started?
That's why I started my gang, to try and show that not all gangs are involved in black on black knife crime in South London or, like Gary Glitter's gang, result in overseas paedophilia.
Have you considered making some extra cash at your local sperm bank?
I don't generally have any muck to spare. There's not much left to donate to the childless by the time I've filled up a small jiffy bag to send to Rachel Riley off Countdown each month.
Live dog, or dead lady?
Too many parameters here. What If it was an ugly mongrel and a good looking corpse? Or what if it the lady had got hit by an Inter-City train but the dog was a well-groomed thoroughbred?
Dear Mr Kunt, if you changed your name to something more radio friendly, say "Count and his Friends", wouldn't you stand a better chance of getting played on 107.2 FM The Wyre, Kidderminster?
Also, you would have to change both the name and content of most of your songs.
That's a good idea, that is. I'm going to change the name to Coldplay. And I'm going to change the name of my song 'Use my arsehole as a cunt' to 'Yellow'. And instead of the content being about getting your poo chute used by various men taking advantage I'm going to have it just about stuff that was all yellow, like bananas and custard.
I've not heard of you or listened to you, but why should I?
Because everything else in life gives you cancer and as yet, no one has caught it off watching us on YouTube.
In one of your videos i think i saw you playing a casio VL-tone keyboard. Despite its small size and cheap sound, it's actually quite a cult device. One website says, "the simple cheesy sounds of the VL-Tone have been used by Apollo 440, Devo, the Talking Heads, the Cars, Dee-Lite, Sting, Stevie Wonder, Vince Clarke, Beastie Boys, The Human League, Trio, White Town, and Bill Nelson."
What made you choose this particular instrument?
I wanted an instrument that sounded 80s retro but with a modern edge, something that had been used by a big list cutting edge artists and would look really good in a music video. But I couldn't afford a Jupiter 8 so I just got me old VL-tone out the cupboard instead.
What is your favourite haiku?
I like them all so much it's hard to choose just one, but I think if pressed it would have to be that one where that animated robot with a lady's fanny goes out of control and rapes all the blokes.
'Wild and Peaceful' really was one of the best dance albums of the seventies
but what was the inspiration after some hardcore funk on the A side (Funky stuff) for the wonderful jazz funk on the B side ("Life Is What You Make It", "Wild and Peaceful")?
You would probably be best to address this question to Kool from Kool and the Gang, not to be confused with me, Kunt from Kunt and the Gang. It seems there might have been a bit of a mix up with the names, I don't know how that could have happened.
Do you reckon you could beat Katy Brand in a fight?
I don't usually hit women but a fight's a fight and if I heard she'd been slagging me off and wanted a row I'd definitely fucking give her a fight if she wanted one. And yes, I do reckon I could beat her. I'd just keep smacking her in the face until someone pulled me off.
If you had to choose between going down on Margaret Thatcher or Gordon Brown, who'd you choose?
I reckon it's been a few years since Maggie Thatcher's old minge has had a moist on so you'd probably pull it apart and it would cough a load of mustard coloured dust at you. But then I think I'd prefer that to seeing Gordon Brown doing that weird inhaling face as he's about to shoot his mess in your gob.
Ladyboys, would you do 'em?
From behind. It's only gay if you do them from the front and have to hold their package clear.
I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the entire town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window. But seriously, what are your thoughts on Platonic epistemology?
I think life's too short to get worked up about it one way or the other, so I tend to just try not to think about it too much and concentrate on the important things in life like sitcoms, 5 a side, beer and wanking.
When are you coming to Cornwall?
You haven't done a song about your holidays yet and we all know you Essex crowd head down to Newquay, catch crabs from the locals and leave with sunburn and a nastly little itch. First two weeks in August?
I'm going to do a song about summer holidays, like Cliff Richard did, but mine will be a bit less gay and will probably be about when I went to Newquay last summer and I met this girl in a club but she was blobbing on so I shagged her up the bum and she had a backwards baby.
What did you tell your mum was the name of your band?
Do you not feel a tiny bit bad when at family do's and having to tell grandma what your band is called?
My mum doesn't know I do this, she thinks I work in KFC in the evenings. I have been black-balled from family do's since Grandad's funeral when I got caught playing with my cock through a hole in my pocket.
If God offered you Stretch Armstong / Dhalsim off Street Fighter 2 Turbo-esque stretching / reaching powers but said you could only use them for purposes of child molestation, would you accept them, or would you feel too pressured into it?
I would not accept said stretching powers for evil like child abuse. I would see if I could bargain with the arbitror to just use them for selfless acts of goodness, like giving a big fat gay man his first ever reacharound.
When are you touring?
I'm at the Edinburgh festival from 14-22 August, then doing some tour dates in September and October. They will be posted up later in the month on http://kuntandthegang.co.uk If you join me mailing list there you will get notified first, along with free downloads, etc. and I definitely do not pass on email addresses to internet bonk-on peddlars.
Dear Kunt, when do you believe the Treasury's fiscal stimulus should be wound down?
Whenever the experts think is best really. I tend to leave this kind of thing to the men in suits, I'd hate it if they kept sticking their beaks into my business, offering up unwanted opinions on subjects such as whether or not I should be writing a song about my mate's baby whose private parts look like a fully grown lady's but without the hair.
Who have been your biggest musical influences?
I used to really like Vince Clarke's Basildon synthpop bands of the early 80s like Yazoo and Depeche Mode before they went all serious, started doing heroin and disappeared up their own arses. I was also a massive Macc Lads fan. I went to see them several times back in the day and usually ended up covered in other people's piss which was regularly done into pint glasses and thrown at them on stage, something I'm keen not to encourage at my gigs.
You Kunt. I've never seen the Gang. Who are they, why have you pushed them out of the limelight?
Don't you realise that they helped you get where you are and now you just stab them in the back?
Stardom gone to your head you bastage?
It's always the same in the fame game. The gang have been miscellaneous arseholes who I used up and chucked away, along the lines you suggested in your question. I wouldn't say stardom has gone to me head as I am fundamentally a man in his 30s still living at home with his mum who hasn't had enough money for a foreign holiday for the last five years. Sounds like the default profile for a dangerous loner.
Dear Kunt, have you thought about doing a tour throughout Israel and Palestine in the name of peace? (If so get in touch and I'll see if I can sort you out; flights are cheap at the moment!)
I don't really bother myself with other people's troubles, I'm too busy trying to get my end away. Also it's really confusing to try and work out week after week whether it's more trouble in Gaza or more trouble with Gazza.
What's it like to take a shot in the mouth? And did you cup the balls properly?
As I said in my song, I didn't like it. And I did cup the balls but I don't know if I did it properly or not. Is there a certain angle of cuppage that is the European standard?
You clearly draw from many and varied sources, serial killers, kiddie fiddlers, wanking, all the usual stuff we expect from a top rated artist, but have you ever tried composing songs around more outlandish subjects that you considered too touchy or offensive to release?
I did have a song called 'Maybe I'm a nonce' that told the story of when I was having a wank over the lady's underwear section of a catalogue but as I turned the page just as I reached my peak I had inadvertently turned to the kid's underwear by which time it was too late to stop the gush. Then it asked "Does that make me a nonce?" I performed this at early gigs but having nearly got lynched it went on the back burner. I couldn't see what all the fuss was about but the line people seemed to object to most was "Little boys in underwear, in little pants and vests, little girls with little bums and little cunts and breasts."
Is that a wig?
Nope. It's a fashionable and unique hairdo.
Mr Kunt, Plato once said "Astronomy compels the soul to look upwards and leads us from this world to another". With this in mind, does your cock have any humorous deformities?
None out of the ordinary really. It's actually quite lovely. I've written a song about it that's not yet been released which describes it... "It's not too bald or too hirsute, and it's got a little mole that makes it look cute."
Kippers: hot- or cold-smoked?
I was put off fish by a girl I pulled in a Romford nightspot who had the most appalling case of disco minge I've ever encountered. I've never touched it since.
Have you ever been to Hemel?
Is it weird that everything's the same as Basildon but different?
I haven't been to Hemel but is it a new town thing? Cos Harlow's the same. It feels like Shelbyville to Basildon's Springfield!
If you had one wish...would it be to shoot your load into Madeline McCann?
If I had one wish it would be the safe return of Madeline McCann and for me to shoot my load into Rachel Riley off Countdown... What do you mean that's two wishes? Right fuck it, maybe I will have to combine it after all.
Does your mum approve of all this?
In a word, no. But then again if your mum approved of everything you did you'd never play soggy biscuit or show your cock to ladies in the woods.
What is going on with all the references to Coronation Street?
I like to think I have a broad spectrum of references from contemporary British culture. And my mum is the actress Audrey Roberts off Coronation Street so I keep a keen eye on goings on on 'The Street'.
Dear Kunt. I don't know who you are, but I really wanted to have some input to this. Would you like some toast?
Yes I will, thank you. Can I have peanut butter on it or is that just taking the piss?
What's the upper age boundary for someone who you would (i) choose, (ii) want to shit on?
For sexual intercourse purposes the upper limit would probably revolve around if they were still fit and could get a moist on. For shit based age limits, I don't think it's so important, I mean if I had just broken in to a granny's house to get money for skag and I'd already given her a beating cos she wouldn't tell me where her Peak Freans tin full of cash was I wouldn't think twice about squatting over the old cow and dropping a log on her before I left.
Who is your idol?
It's a dead heat between Ian Rush and Barry George.
How do I book you for my toddler's birthday party?
Do you do other forms of entertainment?
I haven't ventured into other forms of entertainment yet, although I can juggle a bit and can play Mike and the Mechanics 'Looking back over my shoulder' with a Kazoo up my arsehole. Unfortunately the terms of my being on the Sex Offender's register prevent me from playing private parties where u-18's are present.
Does the tip of your penis hang lower than your scrotum?
It's a dead heat, apart from when erect then it's up by my belly button.
In piecing this interview together I remember Kunt has sent me a pile of CDs. There's bloody tonnes of tracks. Three albums, a double CD of outtakes, a single and a hand written postcard saying, "Don't listen all at once, you will feel soiled."
BTW: I didn't manage to make it to the album launch party mentioned in the postcard as this package sat at postie HQ for weeks, but I fully intend - the next time Kunt plays Central London - to take my wife for a posh West End dinner (the Tapas at Finos is to die for) and finish off the night shouting along with Kunt. What woman could want more?