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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 117: "WHY GERMANS LOVE POO"

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This Week:
* NUTTERS - Nottingham's Xylophone man speaks
* BEST OF - B3ta's Greatest Hits from 2003
* KLINGON WEDDING - We found the photos

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web ... together"

B3ta email 117 - 09 Jan 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue117/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Weebl, Best of B3ta, God IRC, Kittens, Drugs...


  >> New Weebl & Bob <<
  It's the New Year and everyone's fat,
  especially Weebl's friend Bob. Fantastic
  special effects in this episode and a great
  payoff.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/diet.htm


  >> Best of b3ta 2003 <<
  We collected a few of our favorite things
  launched in the newsletter over the last year.
  Then we put them together into a nice little
  web page for you to read. We are so good to
  you. Would you like an extra cushion? Perhaps
  a back rub? Happy finish?
http://www.b3ta.com/features/bestofb3ta2003/


  >> God's internet chartroom <<
  "We have recovered the original IRC logs of the
  Bible!" spaketh PoofBird and Destrukto. "Written
  in Hebrew and Greek and thoroughly encrypted,
  we have not yet been able to decipher the complete
  texts, but we are close!" W00t, the herald
  angels sing.
http://www.ircbible.destrukto-theater.nl


  >> Clay kittens II <<
  The long-awaited follow-up to Richard Salter's
  fantastic game, Clay Kittens I. Animal cruelty
  isn't big or clever. But it is fun. Huzzah.
http://www.richsalter.btinternet.co.uk/cks2/index2.html


  >> Your brain vs. the drugs <<
  Krunk has made a chilling educational video
  to show why you shouldn't take drugs.
  Frankly, we're terrified. But that might be
  because we've just run out of ketamine to
  snort up our bum-chutes.
http://chrisrock1.bravehost.com/eggnpan.swf


  >> Local nutter interviewed <<
  "Xylophone Man is a bit of a legend in
  Nottingham," writes Jared. "He can't play the
  instrument, but he can play the crowd." Yay.
  We want to see more of this kind of thing.
  Go out and talk to your local weirdo. Unless,
  of course, you are your local weirdo. Then
  you're probably doing that anyway.
http://www.leftlion.co.uk/articles.cfm?id=80


  >> Spiderman trailer remix <<
  Behold: a thing of strange and hairy wonder.
  Pippy has enhanced the current Spiderman
  trailer, airbrushing Tobey Maguire from
  history and inserting the hirsute, yet
  sensitive, features of Chump Manbear.
http://www.technocellar.com/pip/spiderchump.mov


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: B3TA RADIO
  Have you ever broken the law?

  This week we're asking for stories about
  run-ins with the police.
http://b3ta.com/questions/breakingthelaw/


  We've also invited comedian Anneka Svenska 
  into the studio for a chat.
http://www.annekasvenska.com/annekasvenska/main.htm


  You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
  to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/

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: GERMAN TOILET UPDATE
  Shit-catching-shelf explained.

  Last newsletter we asked our German readers
  why they use such unusual toilets?
  
  We've had several alternate reasons sent in:

  * To check for tapeworm infection.
  * To stop water splashing up your bum / fanny.
  * Germans have such a low fibre diet, so they
    catch the turds for reassurance that something
    has actually come out.
  * As everyone lives in apartment blocks, it's a
    noise reduction thing, deadening the sound of
    indiscrete plops.
  * So they can look for symptoms of colon cancer
    such as discolouration caused by blood.

  All sounds rather reasonable to us. We say
  sehr gut for krappensittens Deutschland.


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Jacko face mong <<
  Think you could do a better job arranging
  Jackson's face than the plastic surgeons, or
  even Big Todd in the Alabama jail he's probably
  going to end up in? Now's your chance. Simple
  but joyful. Much like pre-teen bum fun. 
http://www.alexanderband.dk/dragson/index.htm


  >> Flying aeroplane thingie <<
  The Red Arrows eh? Weren't they great? All
  that whooshing was flipping tops. Relive the
  fun without the wet weather and occasional
  mass fatality. 
http://www.ertdfgcvb.ch/p1/fly_2_loader.html


  >> Casio watch chic <<
  Geeks! Bored of your iPods and wi-fi tentacle
  rape? The cool kids are wearing cash-in merchandise
  from 70s TV shows. Frankly, this collection
  of tat gives us sexual pangs we haven't felt
  since Janet Ellis presented Blue Peter.
http://mysite.freeserve.com/70s_watches/a_m/a_m1.html


  >> It's like drawing... on acid <<
  This bloke took some LSD and attempted to
  pencil a drawing every hour or so. "Upon
  completing the drawing the patient starts
  laughing, then becomes startled by something
  on the floor." Great stuff. Readers: Take
  drugs and document yourself attempting
  simple tasks. We command you. 
http://www.cowboybooks.com.au/html/acidtrip1.html


  >> Robot arm game <<
  Ever felt your life was like being a robot
  crane condemned to spend an eternity picking
  up springs in increasingly difficult places?
  No? Then see how the other half live. It's
  fucking great. They live like pigs in shit.
http://www.tonypa.pri.ee/robootik_e.html


  >> Mini helicopter <<
  There's two types of men on this planet. Those
  who like big things and those who like small
  things. This guy likes small things. Building
  tiny helicopters to be exact. The best bit?
  They actually fly. Oh and the craply dramatic
  music as he flies his creation around his
  living room like a tiny Airwolf. 
http://pixelito.reference.be/


  >> Edible case mod <<
  Picture this: a computer case made entirely
  of gingerbread. What could be nicer for the
  kids? It's obviously owned by a witch.
  Sinister, but delicious.
http://www.mini-itx.com/projects/gingerbreadvillage/


  >> Cats in blenders <<
  For the last 15 years credulous nincompoops
  have been passing around pictures of kittens
  in jars going, "stop this cruel filth."
  Today they have a new enemy: cat milkshakes.
http://images.cavakillaz.com/PTK1.htm


  >> Best Video Ever <<
  Imagine pitching this: A beautiful giantess
  lady writhing on the floor in her unmentionables
  while sky-diving babies fall from the heavens to
  be enveloped in her enormous lady chest. This is
  how video directors spend their days and we want in.
http://snipurl.com/3qms


  >> Klingon wedding <<
  Last newsletter we showed you a Klingon wedding
  in Las Vegas and asked if you could get us more
  pics. You did. You rock. And this wedding rocks
  like that creature Spock mind-melded with in
  episode 6, original series.
http://www2.b3ta.com/mirror/klingonwedding/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Christmas Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last time we wanted your take on Christmas cards:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/christmascards/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Techie Blob' to judge
  the entries - here are her 3 faves.

  Techie Blob writes -


  #1 "Yay for Christmas - It's cruel and sadistic
     but funny.. (Zak McFlimby)
http://b3ta.com/board/2530493

  #2 "Untitled - Funny and so, so true.. (parm)
http://b3ta.com/board/2521175

  #3 "Forgive me, but I've not yet got into the
     Christmas spirit - The pun is strong in this
     one. Very very funny. That is all.."
     ('tin'tintin)
http://b3ta.com/board/2521696


  >> This Weeks Challenge <<

  This week, the challenge dictator gave us
  the suggestion, "Come-back TV"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/comebacktv/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups to previous stories.

  * NAKED MPs REACHES THE PAPERS - front page
    and the centre colour pages in the Sunday
    Sport, and the subject of a "who the hell
    did this?" phone-in on BBC Radio 2. Well
    done Sick Boy. If b3ta gave knighthoods
    you'd have two. 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/2528047


  * CRAP NOKIA AUCTION - Last year Nik Roope
    gave us his version of a hands free
    mobile, and now's your chance to own
    the original model. Place your bids
    on eBay.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3377353597


  * NAKED MP SWISS TRIBUTE - "Swiss politics
    may be pretty strange and far away," writes
    Jan, "but just to show how b3ta gets into
    everything, including Swiss politics of all
    things, here is the link." Fucking hell.
    Some of these pics are rough.
http://www.web-laun.ch/laclassepolitique2004/overview.html


  * KIDDY FLASH THANK-YOU - "Just a quick note to
    thank you for listing my students' flash
    animations on your site," scribes Mr. Manzo of
    the Notre Dame Catholic High School, "I showed
    them and they were ecstatic." Champion.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A reader to have a sex change and document
    it in a blog.

  * Otters with trotters.

  * Someone to invent a new cheese.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by numseland, ~Nudger, rhcpaul,
  the bonzo dog, popbitch, kemptcomms
  and Katie (for the Klingons)
  Toilet trade: Stuart Judd, Quinten Snijders,
  Roger, Bustab, Pewit, John Paul Wilkinson,
  Danny Kendall, mysticmurray, adam, Tom Miles,
  Paul Ulm, San, Luke & Brice Nick.
  Top Tippery by Chris, the invisible mute.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the warm b4ta leatherettes. (72866)

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  TOP TIP: 
  When drinking a can on the move, don't open it
  fully, instead just break the seal and suck the
  drink out. This way, it stops you from spilling
  it everywhere whilst walking, driving,
  bouncing on a trampoline etc.

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