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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 130: "EASTER SPECIAL"

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This Week:
* ANIM - NSFW work of genius
* ACTIVITIES - not to do over Easter
* DILDOS - Dragon cock action

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "We're sucking dragon
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      cocks... together"

B3ta email 130 - 9 Apr 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue130/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Rage, Sofas, Ghosts & Bombs

  >> Work of genius <<
  Koit has been knocking about our boards for
  a while now - working on his songs and Traffic
  light animations. But with this one bit of work
  he's managed to capture our imaginations and take
  us with him into his special world by the power
  of sheer spasmoid tomfoolery. Warning: not safe
  for work.
http://www.distaste.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/fc.html


  >> Down the back of the sofa <<
  "Here's something my flatmates and I put
  together one Sunday evening." writes
  Social_Pariah. "It involves the time-honoured
  conundrum as to what is truly down the back
  of people's sofas." Jesus Christ, what a
  bunch of scumbags! Ladies - these men are
  yet unmarried, so get queuing. But bring
  your duster.
http://www.geocities.com/social_pariah2003/index.html


  >> Little old lady vs. the ghosts <<
  Mr Mantlepies is quite clearly a freak. He
  won't allow you to use his toilet when you
  visit and insists you use the local pub. We
  imagine. Welcome to his strange world. "It's
  like 'The Others'" he boasts, "but with a
  bit more graffiti."
http://www.mantlepies.com/predictable.html


  >> New York girl in Baghdad <<
  We like Bobby Z. He has a rare gift for
  creating an epic on a shoestring. Here's
  another of his black-and-white dithered
  rock videos. This one has guns.
http://www.alien-zoo.com/newyorkgirl.html

 
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: BOOK OF THE MONTH
  Dad's in Prison

  "One of my kids picked this book up at the
  library," Karen Knox, "and I happily started
  to read it before I realized what it was. How
  sad is the world we live in where being in
  prison is common enough to have a children's
  book about it? Sheesh!" It's appalling, Karen.
  We'd suggest going on a dirty protest.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/071365094X/b3ta-21

  BTW: Found any unusual treats at Amazon? Email
  http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ and we'll share it with
  the world.


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: B3TA RADIO
  Inventions you're too lazy to make

  This week on B3ta Radio we had Wayne Hussey
  booked in for a chat and a couple of songs.
  Sadly he cancelled but rescheduled for the 23rd.
  So we're celebrating our Black Easter without
  the King of Goth.

  But the show's going to be fantabulous anyway,
  with loads of gothy music and the results of a
  rather enjoyable question of the week.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/inventions_youre_too_lazy_to_make/

  You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
  to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/


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: STUFF NOT TO DO OVER THE EASTER WEEKEND
  Unless you're bored or suicidal

  >> Build a bottle bomb <<
  Kids - never mix chlorine and alcohol in a
  bottle and shake it up for kicks. This is what
  happens. One of the best videos we've ever seen.
  The comic timing is masterful.
http://snipurl.com/5lv5


  >> Go wok-boarding <<
  Got an industrial size wok cluttering up the
  place? Why not take it to an airport and sledge
  it down the travelators? Looks dangerous, but
  surprisingly low in fat. We think they missed
  a trick in not using the lid as a hat.
http://www.chiseen.com/vidshare/md/wok_boarding.html


  >> Fire matchstick rockets << 
  Tin foil left over from your brain hat? Defend
  yourself from tiny aliens with matchstick
  rockets. Instructions here:  
http://www.matchstickrockets.com/


  >> Construct a USB turd <<
  What can't you attach to your USB port these
  days? You can get coffee warmers, toothbrushes,
  mobile phone chargers and pathetic disco lights.
  If you're keen on the latter, then you'll like
  these step-by-step instructions on how to
  build an ambient USB shit-light.
http://www.emanator.demon.co.uk/bigclive/usbshit.htm


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Soundrec masterpiece <<
  Staggered we were. There's minimalism and then
  there's being retarded. This is like Womble art,
  making a masterpiece out of things everyday
  folks leave behind. Soundrec is a much-unloved
  sound recording application that came free
  with Windows 98.
http://mirrored.flabber.nl/winnoise/


  >> A Break in the Road <<
  This is a really clever twist on online music
  mixers. It's been re-imagined as a game where
  have to record the sounds of city life, make a
  track up and play it in a club. Extraordinarily
  clever stuff.
http://www.lukewhittaker.co.uk/breakintheroad


  >> Fantastic face editor <<
  No shortage of 'muck up a face' tools on the web,
  but we've never seen a finer example. With a
  bit of tinkering you can make your own authentic-
  looking freaks of nature. If only you could upload
  your own pictures, we think we might explode from
  sheer delight.  
http://www.morphases.com/editor


  >> Worst voice-over artist in the world <<
  Kelvin Cheema is an actor, a man of man parts.
  His particular talent is that he's utterly shit
  at accents. Check out the cockney one. If BBC
  producers had the guts to employ him, their
  ratings would go through the roof.
http://www.kelvincheema.com/index2.htm


  >> 'Fallen rappers' Pez <<
  They took a bullet for hip-hop. Surely they
  should be immortalised in Pez-dispensing form.
  At least, so thinks this amateur product
  designer. We admire his chutzpah in approaching
  the confectionary giant, whose target audience
  is three to six-year-olds.
http://www.centennialsociety.com/pez.html


  >> Square wheels <<
  The Flintstones had square wheels. Now, thanks
  to modern science, so do we. Lovely smooth 
  ride with flat wheels. Only problem - you need
  corrugated tarmac.
http://www.sciencenews.org/articles/20040403/mathtrek.asp


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: EASTER GIFTS
  For the err... special bunny in your life

  >> Dragon cock <<
  Like Dungeons & Dragons? Like putting things
  up your bum? With this handy fellow, you'll be
  happy as a man with two cocks. Because one of
  them will be a dragon's. $80 to you, sirrah.
  The vibrating dragon egg is $20 extra.
http://www.zoofur.com/dragon.html


  >> Fake blob kit <<
  Trannies! Think it's not enough to wear size 10
  stilettos, wax your chest and tuck your cock 
  between your legs? A fake rubber vagina not far
  enough? Feel like a real woman, with synthetic
  menses. Woo. We've ordered a gallon, to re-enact
  Carrie at the local Evans's.
http://www.rosesturn.net/mkit.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE #1
  Results from the Conjoined Products
  

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Two weeks ago we wanted products to beat the
  frankly mind-boggling "Spepper" featured a
  while ago in this very newsletter.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/gloots/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'pollollups' to judge the
  entries - here are her 3 faves.

  Pollollups writes -

  #1 "Photo Gunge Booth - worth it for the sheer
  amount of detail. The passport is priceless.
  (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/2979977

  #2 "Bird Greeder - Eww... but so compelling.
  Not sure I actually want one though. (Ishani)
http://b3ta.com/board/2966682

  #3 "Slimplast - quickly chopped together and the
  funnier for it, this product would sell in the
  millions." (Random Warrior)
http://b3ta.com/board/2972641

  "Finally Zineboy needs a special mention after
  creating 'Spasda' to sell his ideas to the
  gullible."
http://www.johnfanzine.com/spasda/?id=13


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Guide horses

  Some people have no shame. They are stealing
  blind people's guide dogs and swapping them
  for tiny horses. Can't argue they aren't
  cute, though. Especially all tucked up in bed
  with a middle-aged man.
http://www.guidehorse.com/horses_house.htm

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE #2
  Special Olympics Challenges

  Last week we wanted better events for the
  Special Olympics:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/specialolympics/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Sheep!' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Sheep! writes -

  #1 "Downhill for the blind - The ever faithful
  dog's expression makes this one, plus some
  great shoppage. (geetoo)
http://b3ta.com/board/2986525

  #2 "Special Olympics Halted by Suicide Bomber -
  An offensive b3ta piccy compo? Make it more
  offensive just for good measure. Lovely. (Idid)
http://b3ta.com/board/3004687

  #3 "Incontinent Backstroke - Subtle and well
  executed....... and that's a lot of wee wee."
  (Carlos The Badger)
http://b3ta.com/board/2987138


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the challenge dictator gave us
  the suggestion, "Pointless DVD Extras"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/dvdextras/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BUSH WEB BLUNDER FAREWELL - The Sloganator
    was a feature of GW's reelection campaign
    that allowed you to individualise Bush
    posters with you own slogans. It was
    subverted on a massive scale, someone noticed
    and shut it down. This short collects some
    of the best as a farewell tribute.
http://revbilly.com/revsite/sloganator1/sloganator/index.html


  * HAYFEVER GAME - A couple of weeks ago we
    asked you for a game base on our seasonal
    rhinitis woes. Imagine our delight, when
    MakTheYak contacted us with this
    beautifully-realised creation, based on
    our suggestion.
http://www.theyakshack.co.uk/index.php?page=hayfever


  * GOADING THE DEAF - A while back we were
    after ways to easily insult the deaf. "Make
    a thumbs up sign with your right hand,"
    replied Martin Lewis. "Place your right hand
    on the left palm. Waggle right hand as if
    using a Kempston joystick or some such."
    Apparently, this has just told your deaf
    companion that he's gay. Not that there's
    anything wrong with that. We for one welcome
    our new deaf gay overlords. 


  * BRIEFCASE CORNER - Last week's briefcase
    train set feature prompted reader Simon
    Jones to dig about in his attic. he came
    back to use with this gem: A briefcase
    that converts into record decks. Phat!
http://tinyurl.com/2swnc


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * FAIRY SWATTING  - made into a game that's
    as fun as it is in reality. 

  * KITTEN-B-GONE - Who will rid us of these
    turbulent kittens? Surely modern science
    can come up with some sort of space-bleach?

  * DALEY THOMSON'S LACTATHLON - You are a baby.
    Waggle the joystick to stimulate the UK
    Olympic hero's milk ducts.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS: 

  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Patrick, Atomic-pigeon,
  Tim Collins, Fiscal, Cyril Spawned A Monster,
  Tony Howat, el Pollo Diablo, Thickey,
  Gwilym Webb, stymtex and Friendlygiant101.
  Top Tippery by Dave.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge led by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the burlap b4ta bum eggs.
  (74268)

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  TOP TIP:
  If you're poaching an egg, an idea is to add a
  little vinegar to the water. This helps the
  egg white retain cohesion and produce a more
  aesthetically pleasing lunchtime snack.

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