NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 143: "ANAL SEEPAGE"
This Week:
* ANIM - Burnt Face Man
* GAME - Chase the Button
* VID - Horse Politics
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________ ____ __ ___
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 143 - 09 July 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue143/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Heroes, Buttons, Techno, Cunts and Snail Death
>> Adventures of Burnt Face Man <<
Super-hero parodies are two-a-penny on the web,
so what makes Foyf's work different? The salty
dialogue and quick editing make this a bit
special. The talented shit.
http://www.fat-pie.com/bfm.htm
>> Test your mouse skills <<
Web junkies will remember holdthebutton.com -
the game which challenged you to see how long
you could press down the button on your mouse.
AKX has expanded on this concept by making the
button move. Simple, ingenious and infuriating.
http://devever.net/pegercer/akx/dlg/play.html
>> Anal Seepage <<
Give Joel a few pints and he'll start reminiscing
about raving in the 90s. Old bastard. He's
taken his love for dodgy old techno and combined
it with his love of swearing. You will smile.
http://www.rathergood.com/seepage/
>> Cunt of the week <<
Regular readers will know we've recently been
running URL redirects, i.e. taking an address
like fuckingnazis.com and forwarding to the
Barclays bank website. B3ta reader Tony
has hit on a novel variation. He's registered
cuntoftheweek.co.uk and plans to point it
to different people every seven days.
http://www.cuntoftheweek.co.uk/
>> Snails must die <<
Ben Wheatley is best known for cutting up photos
of cocks and making them pulse in time to
mashed-up records. For a change of pace he's
created a Big Brother-style real world web
event where snails from his garden are
placed in "Snailhausen" and you can vote
who gets killed next. Ben then smashes them
with a brick and puts up the videos for your
entertainment. Most serial killers start
with killing animals. We worry about Ben.
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/snailhausen/snai...
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: GOOD AND BAD
Stuff this week which is er.. good or bad
>> GOOD: End of Wimbledon <<
Hooray. Back to normal TV schedules. Although
with the Olympics looming, that means less
Quincy and more synchronised swimming.
>> BAD: School summer holidays <<
Loads of snot nosed little bastards are off
school and filling our streets.
>> GOOD: 1.5MB broadband <<
We've upgraded the pipe at B3ta Towers and
it fucking rocks. You need this.
>> BAD: George Michael closing net forum <<
Stroppy toilet enthusiast George has closed
his messageboard as fans dared to fill it with
critical posts. The resulting PR disaster has
been picked up round the world. George -
you silly monkey - simply replacing your
board with a "this site is down for
maintenance" would have done the trick.
>> GOOD: Hollywood sequels <<
Tinsel town isn't known for producing good
follow-ups. The trend has been bucked with
Shrek and Spider-man - the sequels being
better than the originals. Yay for summer
blockbusters.
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: OB3TAUARY
Frank Robinson, 'Xylophone Man'
The legendary Xylophone Man was Nottingham's
favourite busker, better-known for his winning
personality than his musical skills. We ran
an interview with him at the beginning of
this year and he seemed like a thoroughly nice
man. RIP, old chap.
http://www.leftlion.co.uk/articles.cfm
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Awesome horse political video <<
Problem: Politics is utterly, incontinently
dull. Solution: Reel the voters in with an
incredibly dramatic election vid. And to make
it more exciting, the candidates should all be
pretty horses. This is just great. Frankly,
if Blair wants our vote now, he'll have to
gallop for it. In slow-motion.
(Warning: a big download)
http://www.illegal-art.org/video/vcd/BlackThunder_...
>> Space race rudeness <<
Our mama told us that life is like a box of
chocolates: You never know when it's going
to throw you an unexpected cock treat. The
case in point - an innocent diagram of rocket
trajectories reveals, in glorious detail, that
Apollo Mission Control scientists may have
had their minds on other things.
http://zebu.uoregon.edu/~js/space/images/apollo_mi...
>> Ultimate Goth interior design <<
This ossuary in the Czech town of Sedlec is
very macabre and yet fantastically beautiful.
The entire church is lavishly decorated with
human bones and there is a Jolly Roger
instead of the usual cross on the steeple.
Apparently this "is not uncommon in Europe."
Hmm. Maybe.
http://www.ludd.luth.se/~silver_p/kutna-1.html
>> Break-dancing bear <<
Well, alright, a break-dancing man in a bear
suit. But he's going like the clappers! The
raison d'être of this site is 'little dancing
screen-grabs, with cheery music' - and what
could be wrong with that? You can look at
an archive by clicking the red exclamation
mark at the top left. But do so at your own
risk, as about a third of the stuff is based
on very nasty porn. Goatse Roulette, anyone?
http://dickcream.com/history/0702/
>> RealDoll surgery <<
There's something a bit gruesome about dolls
and more so the more detailed they are. These
shots of repairs on the reputedly
hyper-realistic RealDoll sex dolls are icky.
But quite funny, too.
http://www.realdolldoctor.com/miscindex.htm
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Abandoned baby otters
Who can fathom the mind of a female otter? We
can't think what could have possessed her
mum to reject winsome mite Snowdrop. Just look
at her frolicking with a baby bottle - butter
wouldn't melt in her mouth.
http://snipurl.com/7mqi
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us:
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
News, Game Quiz, Stickers, Ninjas and Video
>> Action News skit <<
Last week we celebrated a great spoof ad
for the New York Times from Gbehh.
He writes - "Thanks for featuring my movie.
It made the voices in my head very happy."
Hey - no problem. And we're pleased to report
he's been making more. This time a trailer
for Action News - the news show that's all
action. We recommend checking out the rest
of his site - he's clearly a new talent.
http://www.gbehh.com/toons/action6.html
>> Gamer quiz <<
"We've made a really stoopid quiz about computer
games", writes Dngdng, "It's most droll." We
like this. You'll have to know a bit about
gaming to play but the presentation moves
web quizzes on a bit.
http://davidguy.brinkster.net/quiz/n3taquiz.html
>> Help! I'm trapped in a sticker factory <<
Ever caught the underground and wondered,
"Who makes those stickers that make no
sense?" Let us point you in the direction
of Thomas Scott who's been covering London
with 100s of the damn things. He'll also
sell you a few stickers dirt-cheap for sticking
in your city.
http://www.thomasscott.net/stickers/
>> Ninja race <<
Making web videos for other people's songs has
been a core element of B3ta's output. Now Jonti
Picking has got in on the act with a Ninja
animation for a pacey bit of techno from
Hexstatic. He's even managed to add a few jokes
- great stuff.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/36/
>> BBC Motion Stupidity <<
A couple of weeks back we asked you muck about
with the video that the BBC have sticking
online. Blugg has been doing some great stuff
in the area. Check out his series - can you
you beat him?
http://blugg.com/_b3ta/b3tamotion3.html
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: BIT TORRENT TV
Stuff we've watched this week
>> Dark Skies <<
Last week we described Dark Skies as enjoyable,
sub-X-Files tosh. We were wrong. We've now
watched all 20 episodes and the scope of
the story telling is fantastic - weaving a huge,
complex conspiracy of alien contact behind
world events. It's a tragedy that the
creators didn't get the opportunity to realise
their five season vision taking the narrative
from Charlie Manson under alien control,
through Ronald Reagan initiating the Star wars
program to fight aliens, to finally George Bush
pulling a Neville Chamberlain-style "Peace in
Our Time" appeasement with the invading extra
terrestrials.
>> Curb Your Enthusiasm <<
We're fans of the TV binge here at B3ta Towers,
but not in this case. Larry David has created
a misanthropic comedy so tart, so poignantly
embarrassing, that the best we can manage is
one every couple of days. A bitter treat.
>> Joey <<
There's been a lot written lately about the
'end of a TV era' with recent cancellations of
classic series like Friends and Frasier. So much
so that we must have taken leave of our senses,
deciding to check out Matt Le Blanc's new spinoff
series. It's awful, just awful, and it made us sad.
Still, it is only the first episode and it could
get loads better. Loads.
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: 100 ISSUES AGO TODAY
"Get Your Mates Sacked"
We take a quick look back at the best links
in issue 43 of the B3ta newsletter.
>> A History of Photo Montage <<
B3ta contributor Pabulum brought us a backwards
look at cutting up images. Still as relevant
today as it was then.
http://www.cutandpaste.info/
>> Top 10 Cutest Kittens <<
Your uber ginger ruler Rob Manuel opened the
bumper book of web jokes and read the chapter
marked 'misdirection' bringing you a URL that
looks like it's going to be cute and delivers
something loud and sweary.
http://b3ta.com/top-10-cutest-kittens/
>> Pavarotti Elephants <<
Joel had a copy of the same book and he read
the chapter marked 'misheard lyrics'. It's a
classic example, although we're still waiting
for his once-promised "Sue Lawley / So Lonely"
Police Flash.
http://www.rathergood.com/elephants/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'I Didn't Know it Did That!'
Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us the hidden
features in stuff:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/didntknow/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Dobsky' to judge the
entries - here are his three faves.
Dobsky writes -
#1 "Paper jam - Simply fantastic. Cracking pun
that made me giggle like a loon. (guplik)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3406366
#2 "Anti Pigeon dish - Great animation and
sponged pigeons. Who couldn't love this?
Besides the pigeons being killed by the death
rays that is. (Lordgert)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3407711
#3 "Makes calls too! - He he he, I really love
this one and it's quite true as well.
(Rainbow_girl)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3403896
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the enigmatic and strangely handsome
Challenge Dictator gave us,
"Visions of the Future: circa 1950"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/futurevisions/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Click boxy woo fun
At first we thought this game was a pile
of shit. We clicked about and bugger all
happened. Then a friend suggested we have
another gander and try dragging the objects
on the screen.
Aha! We get it. It's a multi-level single
screen puzzle game. Following its own rules
of logic, you probably haven't played a game
quite like this. Great.
http://nocircles.com/index.php
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SPOOF PHONE CALL - Last week we featured an
animation based on a persistent caller's quest
for butt-plugs. Froopyscot writes to inform us
that the original prank was by US duo Opie &
Anthony. "They did quality comedy on radio
stations in Boston and New York for years,"
he tells us, "before getting carried nationally
in the US and getting fired shortly thereafter
for their involvement in a bit which involved
encouraging and broadcasting a couple having
sex in a pew in New York's St. Patrick's
Cathedral."
http://www.foundrymusic.com/braincandy/displaymedi...
* B3TA PICS IN THE PAPERS - The recent spate of
football-related photoshops seems to have caught
the attention of the national press. The Daily
Mail is the latest to join the bandwagon, with
this spread of "world wide wizardry on the web."
http://www.recklessrecords.biz/b3ta/dailycockingma...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* NEWSPAPERS CREDITING B3TA ARTISTS - it's
not much to ask for. And karmically good.
* DICTATOR PHONE - a telephone without a
speaker so that we can bark orders without
any backchat.
* MORE TRANS PEOPLE - we're bored of the
transgendered saving reality TV. We want
transheighted - tall people who use surgery
to release their inner dwarf.
Send contributions via:
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by theamazingmr.kent,
jake_mcmahon, Senator_Kenator and ablufia.
Top Tippery by mofaha.
Otters from DogHorse.
Good / bad suggestions from Supermoore, Dobsky
and VashTheStampede.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by The Mouse That Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Boobs.
Proofing by b4ta's gay mafia. (75903)
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TOP TIP:
Discourage ants from climbing inside your
sugar pot by placing three or four cloves
inside.
