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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 152: "LORD OF THE RINGPIECE"

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This Week:
* VID - Lord of the Ringpiece
* QUESTION - Local nutters exposed
* SQUIRREL - Adopted tree-rat turns tricks

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 152 - 24 Sep 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue152/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Farts, Squirrels, Foreign twats

  >> Farting Gandalf <<
  "Few can deny the genius of Peter Jackson's
  vision in bringing Lord of the Rings to life,"
  booms Crog, "but for me it just didn't have
  enough fart jokes." Heaven help us, we tried
  so hard not to like this: A LoTR parody with
  flatulence. But we just couldn't resist its
  eggy charms.
http://www.larnercorp.com/downloads/downloadFile.php?ID=6


  >> Superfly Squirrel <<
  Over the last month we've been bringing you
  Hairy Midget's updates on his adopted orphan
  squirrel. Delight in the cute antics of Charley
  squirrel as he cavorts with his human father.
http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/superflysquirrel.wmv


  >> Amazon funny names <<
  One of the best things of the web is typing
  swearwords into search-engines. Another is
  finding funny foreigners. Rob has been loitering
  on Amazon, and combined the two.
http://snipurl.com/975c


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Local Nutters

  Last week we asked you to tell us about the
  deranged folks that make your local area just
  that bit more interesting:
http://b3ta.com/questions/localnutters/

 Here are some of our favourite stories:

  #1 Wolverhampton Cowboy
    "There was a bloke who wandered around in
    a full cowboy outfit (big hat, leather
    chaps, waistcoat, guns, holsters, spurs,
    boots - the lot). Whenever I saw him, I'd
    shout "DRAW" and he would spin-around
    and have a mock gun fight. A couple of
    years later, he was arrested. They were
    real, loaded guns. eeeeeep.
     (Zak McFlimby)

 #2 Barclays Tramp
    "Frankie is outside Barclays Bank in Kendal
    watching the Securicor van unloading: man
    hits side of van; bag of money comes out;
    man walks off. So, Frankie runs like fuck.
    Half an hour later, he's found in the bus
    station with a 2/3rds drunk bottle of cider
    and £9,998." (Vultan0)

 #3 Supermarket Cheese man
    "I work on the Deli counter in Somerfield.
    It's shit. Every single customer seems to be
    either blind, illiterate or socially retarded.
    None more than the gentleman who ran up,
    puffing and panting, to say "GIVE ME SOME
    CHEESE!". Nothing particularly unusual about
    that apart from the fact that he was quite
    clearly masturbating furiously, staring at
    me with a mad little glint in his eye.
    I hate my job." (the moron)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We want to know all about the worst presents
   you've ever been given. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/presents/


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: ARGOS WATCH
  Reading the catalogue so you don't have to

  >> Woman sucks off horse <<
  The sort of thing you'd see on Fred West's
  mantlepiece, this woman loves horses in a way
  we know too well.
http://snipurl.com/9b3w


  >> Database engineers just want to have fun <<
  Imagine being trapped working for the Argos
  web department. After amusing yourself wanking
  over the pictures of bras and girdles, why not
  fiddle with the database to return the TRUTH
  when people search for chav. Go on. Type chav
  into Argos.
http://www.argos.co.uk/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
 
  >> Funky Drummer <<
  Everybody loves the drums, best of all the
  percussion instruments. Now you can play
  them too thanks to this charming man in a
  Creative promotional video.  "This is rock and
  roll" he says. Yes, yes it is.
http://snipurl.com/997a
 

  >> God FAQ <<
  Some thoughtful people haven taken the time and
  effort to collect all the available information
  about God and collate it into a handy 'Frequently
  Asked Questions' list.  Everything you could
  ever need to know about God and more.
http://www.400monkeys.com/God/index.html
 

  >> Retro tongue-twisters <<
  At B3ta, we long for the days of simpler
  pleasures. A time when everybody wore snorkel
  parkas, rode Chopper bicycles and the most
  sophisticated entertainment we had was reciting
  tongue-twisters in the playground. Well, now we
  can relive some of that lost youth here.
http://www.uebersetzung.at/twister/en.htm
 

  >> L.A. to New York in 4 minutes <<
  Director Michael Gondy's latest work is a video
  for French popmonger Laquer.  A time lapse video
  of a drive from Los Angeles to New York, this is
  intoxicating stuff to watch.
http://www.lacquersound.com/english/opener1.html
 

  >> I can smell your cunt <<
  Remember Jon & Al Kaplan's "Silence the Musical"?
  US band Greenskeepers are continuing the theme
  with this video cut together with footage from
  the Silence of the Lambs movie.  Not a bad
  song too, if you like your music indie-guitar
  college-rock flavoured.
http://media.greenskeepersmusic.com/lotionhigh.mov


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Delectable Double Feature

  >> Pomeranian Popsicle <<
  Pomeranians may have descended from the sled
  dogs of Iceland and Lapland, but this cute
  little fella still takes his mum's advice
  and wraps up against the cold.
http://snipurl.com/9b6s


  >> Siberian Kittens <<
  These lovely kittens live in a special
  cattery in Finland. FACT: People who are
  allergic to cats will not be allergic to
  Siberians. They have magic saliva.
http://www.pbase.com/merjatee/e_kittens6

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us at b3ta@b3ta.co.uk


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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
  Building stuff because they can

  Trust our German brethren to take the classic
  computer game, Pong, and turn it into a real-life,
  ruthlessly efficient, electromechanical marvel.
  We'd like to think that this project might offer
  lasting proof that our sausage-eating friends
  have a sense of humour, but there's little
  evidence of it here, despite the impressive
  end results.
http://www.cyberniklas.de/pongmechanik/indexen.html


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: INTRODUCING MAGICAL DAVE
  Tricks to astound your two-year-old cousin
 
  This we week we filmed B3ta's newsletter
  co-writer Dave Stevenson doing magic. If
  anyone in Las Vegas wants to get in touch
  - Dave has very reasonable rates. You'll
  be amazed.
http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/elevenfingerstrick.wmv


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  OAP rent boy, Cliff Richard & 

  >> My Granddad is a Prostitute song <<
  Oh Jesus H Christ - Dan Fishcake has filled our
  ears with a shed-load of grisly sexual imagery
  that we're still trying to shake from our minds.
  And out through the ends of our willies.
http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php?id=211


  >> Cliff Richard  - the truth! calendar <<
  For some inexplicable reason, Cliff Richard 
  still has the UK's best-selling calendar.
  Sickened by this, Dr. Trouser writes, "Rather
  than have a load of soft-focus vomit-inducing
  images of the sanctimonious God-botherer, I've
  made a calendar which reflects his true self."
  We love this idea and July and August are
  particularly fine.
http://www.drtrouser.com/data/2005_calendar.pdf


  >> Disgusting Tongue <<
  Stellar animator Aurelio O'Brien jacked in his
  day job to write a novel. We don't know if the
  book's actually any good, but he's made some
  stonking Flash characters to promote it. It's
  like an Innovations catalogue, but made of animal.
http://www.evethenovel.com/products/licknspan/index.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Bob Ross' Challenge
 
  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
 
  Last week we wanted you to play with daytime
  television painting sensation Bob Ross:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/bobross/
 
  We asked B3ta boarder 'Spleen_Boy' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.
 
  Spleen_Boy writes -
 
  #1 "Bobblets - it would be a crime if Stick
    Figure Ninja didn't win this challenge on
    sheer volume of entries alone. I loved all
    of his Bobblets, but this was my favourite.
    (Stick Figure Ninja)
http://b3ta.com/board/3727910
 
  #2 "Dance painter boy! - The vision of Bob's
    hairy chest is going to stay with me a long
    time.  Pass the mind bleach please.
    (Eclectech)
http://b3ta.com/board/3727157
 
  #3 "Ross v Winner - themanwhofellasleep is
    quite clearly not of sound mind, but this
    entry made me laugh so much."
    (themanwhofellasleep)
http://b3ta.com/board/3726095
 

  >> This Week's Challenge <<
 
  This week, B3ta contributor Scaryduck gave us
  the suggestion, "Boris Johnson World"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/borisjohnson/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * REVERSE CASE MODDING XTRA - "Reverse case
    modding?", exclaims JPS, "I thought everyone
    was into that. I've used an old hinge-topped
    386 case as a CD rack for some five years now."
    Oooh look at you. B3ta's very own Laurence
    Llewelyn-Bowen.
http://www.biggrandejatte.co.uk/casemod/


  * ERRATA OOPSIES - "Small error in issue 151,
    in the Bit Torrent section" informs Susan,
    "It's actually Matt Dillon's brother in
    Entourage, not Matt Damon's." 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * LOST LUGGAGE PHOTO BLOG - work on the tube?
    Or a night club? Why not start a blog
    photographing all the stuff that gets left
    behind.

  * BIN BLOG - work on the bins? Or a rubbish
    dump? Why not start a blog photographing
    all the stuff that gets thrown away.
    
  * HOSPITAL BLOG - work in the health
    service? Or a creche? Why not start a
    blog photographing all the stuff people
    have swallowed or inserted up their
    arses. Bonza.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson, Mystery Bob, Fraser Lewry,
  and Lucy Reese. Cheers guys.
  Stuff sent in by Watashi-wa, cow_joose,
  kosso, seyhanaydin, quinh, gypsychk,
  welsh_dodgy_Geezer, simeey, acidtrash,
  Smallpsycho, I've been driven mad trying to
  prove my sanity and mechamatsimpsk. 
  QOTW from Mike Trinder.
  Top Tippery by Laughing Boy
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by corrupt b4ta oligarchy.
  With gherkins. (78428)

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: GEEK JOKE
  Remain a virgin 'til 35 with maths "comedy"

  f(x)=6x+3 walks into a bar. "Got any
  sandwiches? f(x)=6x+3 asks the barman.
  "Sorry," he replies, "We don't cater for
  functions."

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  TOP TIP:
  Phone low on signal? Wrap it in a little bit
  of tin-foil, turn your radio on and leave it
  near it for a few minutes. This should boost
  up your signal. (We haven't had anyone test
  a tip for a while. Have a go on this one.
  Sounds like bollocks. Could work.)

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