NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 165: "THE POOR TASTE ISSUE"
This Week:
* RUDE - obscene write-ups this week
* DRUNK - we're still pissed from last night
* BLAME - Ben Wheatley is a bad influence on Rob
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 165 - 14 Jan 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue165/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Pron, Animal reviews, and Dogs must die
>> Work-safe pron <<
You might remember CCC for his monkeyman
Tunbridge Wells tabloid gaying of a few
years back. And now? He's re-invented himself,
Bowie-like, as a porn star. Huzzah. We've
been wanking furiously for hours. Oops. We've
just come. All of us. From our cocks.
http://xxxplayboys.blogspot.com/
>> Animals reviewed <<
El_pollo_diablo has hit on a new idea.
He's been busy categorising all the worlds
creatures, what a cunt! Some kind of acuntipedia
or something. We chuckled at the autism gags...
http://animalreviews.zelica.net/reviews/cat.htm
>> Dogs can fuck off <<
Dogs are shit, it's a well know fact. Even the
RSPCA think they are whiney, stuck up cunts that
deserve to be killed. Here is the proof, in
dogumentary form. Eat that, Lassie and Shnorbitz.
http://www.markta.co.uk/flash/dogs.swf
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: VIRAL HALL OF FAME
Sponsored by some ad agency stuck in the 90s
Some video clips never die. No matter if you're
looking at the internet now, or via some magic
robot in 2006, people will still be sending
round the same links. Including this one.
A compendium of cats falling over, guaranteed to
make you smile - conclusive proof of cats'
superiority to the spineless canine.
http://www.energyradio.fm/content/sillycats.asx
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: MUMMY THAT FINGER IN MY ANUS IS HURTING
It's funny names corner
>> Safety Boy Flange Spreader <<
Does exactly what it says on the tin. You tit.
Read the fucking tin. Oh. There's no tin.
Bugger. Look, it's just a rude sounding bit
of equipment. Giggle, if that's your kind of thing.
http://www.newmantools.com/hand/safetyboy.htm
>> Mr Shaw-Twilley <<
Britain's unluckiest headmaster works in the
Isle of Man. He never gets teased by his students
as his penis is actually huge and casts a shadow
across the whole of their revolting inbred isle.
And what about those Manx cats? Fucking horrible.
http://www.isis-north.co.uk/cnt_showschool.asp
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> London underground song <<
Biggest link this week has to be this MP3
to the tune of The Jam's 'Going Underground',
detailing exactly why tube staff are cretinous,
work-shy cunts. We've had sent to us, ooh, lots.
BTW: Tube drivers fuck moles. And when they
can't get moles they use prostitutes. Fact.
http://www.happyperson.co.uk/London%20Underground....
>> My little penis <<
Someone has taken a photograph of our penises
and uploaded them onto the web. Using FTP. What
a bunch of cunts. Check out our proud
manhoods. Not safe for work. Unless you work
in a cock factory.
http://images.google.com/images
>> Teenage Ninja Porno Turtles <<
This is honest-to-God, solid gold internet genius.
Watch slack-jawed in awe as the cock wielding
amphibians go about sticking their perverted
stiffies into various badly animated orifices.
The nunchuck anal scene is a particular pleaser.
http://www.people.fas.harvard.edu/~janicak/tmntnet...
>> Rocky IV Vs. Candid camera <<
Imagine, if you will, that Dom Joly lost weight
by contracting AIDS. He might look like this, and
be funny. We have watched this clip on every
device in the house and it was amusing on all
of them, except on the palm pilot, which is
clearly a poor device for delivering comedy.
http://users.skynet.be/Patsy/126.swf
>> Coon Island <<
Read this 1950s cartoon annual of Rupert the
Bear visiting "Coon Island" and making friends
with the "darkies" - who he can't quite understand
because their speech is "funny" and "queer". That
it's being hosted on a white-power website makes
us cringe, to be honest. But fascinating stuff.
http://www.aryanunity.com/rupert.html
>> Squirrel taxidermy deacanter <<
The prospect of pouring a drink out of the neck
of squirrel is strangely erotic. Here our
taxidermy dreams come true. Apparently Terry
Nutkins owns two.
http://www.customcreaturetaxidermy.com/novelties/n...
>> NWA folk stylee <<
NWA hit controversy in the 80s with their
celebration of gang culture, misogyny and
republican-baiting lyrics. Folk artist
Nina Gordon takes their Straight Outa Compton
track and brings lilting lyricalism to the party.
Sweetly pretty, and rather amusing actually.
http://www.ninagordon.com/audio/straightouttacompt...
>> Book a "celebrity" for your dinner party <<
Wow. What a site. Here you can book a crappy
forgotten celeb, and get them to come round for
dinner. If there's not a TV show in this, then we
are a Welshman. Although we'd prefer booking
80s soul popsters ABC, feed them LSD laced soup,
and them rape them until their saxaphones burst.
You can also book Shnorbitz. (To bugger him
blind, come in his ears and make him spunk-deaf.
Your mileage may vary.)
http://www.supperwiththestars.co.uk/mainFRAMES.htm
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Three-way furry goodness
>> Kung-Fu Kitten <<
This perfectly timed photo is like something
out of a martial arts flick. With a cat.
Or a kitteny Wayne Sleep.
http://www.dominocat.co.uk/wrath/wrath_files/image...
>> Pocket Size Primates <<
Keeping up the game for cute primates this week
we have these insufferably adorable infant Pygmy
Lorises. Look at their teeny tiny fingers.
Brilliant, aren't they?
http://cellar.org/2002/pygmyloriskids.jpg
>> Japanese Blog of Cute <<
It's a killer combination: loads of pictures
of cute animals and incomprehensible East-Asian
writing. We're reliably informed that it's
utter filth, though, so if your boss knows
Japanese, take care...
http://www.10e.org/mt/archives/animal/
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Pure Ignorance
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for examples of ignorance you'd
overheard. Most of them featured Americans for
some reason.
http://b3ta.com/questions/ignorance/
#1 The Chat Up King
"My flatmate's boss's 18 year old son was over
from Los Angeles. According to him, his chat-up
lines never failed. In a pub near the Millwall
ground, against our advice, he tried this:
"Hey there! Is your dad a thief?"
"What the FUCK did you just say to me?"
(flustered) "...because he stole the stars and"
"Do you want me to break your fucking neck?"
"Hey, hey, sorry, I just..."
"FUCK OFF!"
He almost cried." (browser)
#2 I'm Free!
"In a pub, playing Millionaire, we're up to five
quid and up comes "Whose catchphrase was 'I'm
Free!'?" We all smile smugly, but Tania leans
across. DUM DUM DUM! Wrong Answer!
Tania, if you're reading this then I hope to
God that you now know that Nelson Mandela did
not walk out of prison after twenty odd years
and, in front of a crowd of anti-apartheid
protesters and half the world's press, say:
"I'm free!"
...in a camp voice." (gluskap)
#3 Brown Paint
"My mum once said she she was off to buy some
'N***** Brown' paint. After explaining that you
can't call it that, we check the colour chart
and find it's now called "Conker Brown". Later,
in the shop, mum walks up to assistant of
Afro-Caribbean persuasion:
"I'd like some 'Conker Brown' paint please"
"Conker Brown?"
"Yes, you know, the one that used to be
'N***** Brown'."
(sumo_san)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about the black sheep in
your family. Who don't you talk to any more?
http://b3ta.com/questions/blacksheep/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Action Grannies Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us what the
modern Granny gets up to:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/actiongrannies/
We asked B3ta boarder 'thediscokingpin' to judge
the entries - here are his 3 faves.
thediscokingpin writes -
#1 "This gave me the biggest laugh. Taking both
the Action Man notion and adding the daily
rhetoric of old folk was a winner to me.
The simple animation loop and the good source
photo just left the dialogue, and its spot on."
(The Snockerty Friddle)
http://b3ta.com/board/4146299
#2 "A superb No. 2 for Halk for making me nearly
vomit with the squeamish combination of the
animation and the pleasant and indeed welcoming
face of an elderly lady being gratified." (Halk)
http://b3ta.com/board/4131863
#3 "At No.3, corington with the psychic powers
gran. For me this just smacks of an image made
by a fairly warped mind, and that always tickles
my fancy. The classic three scene set-up, the
clear images, nicely made, and very funny."
(corington)
http://b3ta.com/board/4132424
"A highly commended award has to be given to Duffer
for his/her spin on the classic 'Is it real?' shot."
http://b3ta.com/board/4131966
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, The Challenge Dictator told us to
photoshop, "Natural Rejection"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/naturalrejection/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MANTLEPIES BBC THREE MAYHEM - As you may
recall, the chaps from www.mantlepies.com
made some silly sketches for the BBC. Because
the BBC is run by filthy communists, they're
allowed to put them up on the web for free.
They're fantastic. Especially the gently
surreal ipod one.
http://www.mantlepies.com/stupidversion.htm
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GET SOMEONE SACKED - download a load of
porn, claim it was sent to you by a workmate
and demand a sacking. Can't find good porn?
B3ta's more determined wankers are using
fusker these days. Google it.
* BURGLARY BLOG - the criminal underclass are
vastly more interesting than your average
twat with a PC. Break into houses. Blog
the loot and your experiences. You'll have
a book deal before the filth can say,
"you're nicked".
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
Ben Wheatley and team B4ta.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the thankfully sober b4ta.
Popular on P2P networks without leaving
a trace on blogs, newsgroups and messageboards
since 2001. (76848)
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TOP TIP: "To prevent feet from getting cold the
Japanese stuff a chilli pepper in their socks.
It helps, but you really should take them out
before disco." Anyone want to test this one?
Anyone?
