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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 165: "THE POOR TASTE ISSUE"

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This Week:
* RUDE - obscene write-ups this week
* DRUNK - we're still pissed from last night
* BLAME - Ben Wheatley is a bad influence on Rob

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 165 - 14 Jan 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue165/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Pron, Animal reviews, and Dogs must die

  >> Work-safe pron <<
  You might remember CCC for his monkeyman
  Tunbridge Wells tabloid gaying of a few
  years back. And now? He's re-invented himself,
  Bowie-like, as a porn star. Huzzah. We've
  been wanking furiously for hours. Oops. We've
  just come. All of us. From our cocks.
http://xxxplayboys.blogspot.com/


  >> Animals reviewed <<
  El_pollo_diablo has hit on a new idea.
  He's been busy categorising all the worlds
  creatures, what a cunt! Some kind of acuntipedia
  or something. We chuckled at the autism gags...
http://animalreviews.zelica.net/reviews/cat.htm


  >> Dogs can fuck off <<
  Dogs are shit, it's a well know fact. Even the
  RSPCA think they are whiney, stuck up cunts that
  deserve to be killed. Here is the proof, in
  dogumentary form. Eat that, Lassie and Shnorbitz.
http://www.markta.co.uk/flash/dogs.swf


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: VIRAL HALL OF FAME
  Sponsored by some ad agency stuck in the 90s

  Some video clips never die. No matter if you're
  looking at the internet now, or via some magic
  robot in 2006, people will still be sending
  round the same links. Including this one.

  A compendium of cats falling over, guaranteed to
  make you smile - conclusive proof of cats'
  superiority to the spineless canine.
http://www.energyradio.fm/content/sillycats.asx


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: MUMMY THAT FINGER IN MY ANUS IS HURTING
  It's funny names corner

  >> Safety Boy Flange Spreader <<
  Does exactly what it says on the tin. You tit.
  Read the fucking tin. Oh. There's no tin.
  Bugger. Look, it's just a rude sounding bit
  of equipment. Giggle, if that's your kind of thing.
http://www.newmantools.com/hand/safetyboy.htm


  >> Mr Shaw-Twilley <<
  Britain's unluckiest headmaster works in the
  Isle of Man. He never gets teased by his students 
  as his penis is actually huge and casts a shadow
  across the whole of their revolting inbred isle.
  And what about those Manx cats? Fucking horrible.
http://www.isis-north.co.uk/cnt_showschool.asp?id=169


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> London underground song <<
  Biggest link this week has to be this MP3
  to the tune of The Jam's 'Going Underground', 
  detailing exactly why tube staff are cretinous,
  work-shy cunts. We've had sent to us, ooh, lots.
  BTW: Tube drivers fuck moles. And when they 
  can't get moles they use prostitutes. Fact.
http://www.happyperson.co.uk/London%20Underground.mp3


  >> My little penis <<
  Someone has taken a photograph of our penises 
  and uploaded them onto the web. Using FTP. What 
  a bunch of cunts. Check out our proud
  manhoods. Not safe for work. Unless you work
  in a cock factory.
http://images.google.com/images?q=micropenis&safe=off


  >> Teenage Ninja Porno Turtles <<
  This is honest-to-God, solid gold internet genius.
  Watch slack-jawed in awe as the cock wielding
  amphibians go about sticking their perverted 
  stiffies into various badly animated orifices. 
  The nunchuck anal scene is a particular pleaser.
http://www.people.fas.harvard.edu/~janicak/tmntnet2.mov


  >> Rocky IV Vs. Candid camera <<
  Imagine, if you will, that Dom Joly lost weight
  by contracting AIDS.  He might look like this, and 
  be funny. We have watched this clip on every
  device in the house and it was amusing on all
  of them, except on the palm pilot, which is
  clearly a poor device for delivering comedy.
http://users.skynet.be/Patsy/126.swf


  >> Coon Island <<
  Read this 1950s cartoon annual of Rupert the
  Bear visiting "Coon Island" and making friends
  with the "darkies" - who he can't quite understand
  because their speech is "funny" and "queer". That
  it's being hosted on a white-power website makes
  us cringe, to be honest. But fascinating stuff.
http://www.aryanunity.com/rupert.html


  >> Squirrel taxidermy deacanter <<
  The prospect of pouring a drink out of the neck
  of squirrel is strangely erotic. Here our
  taxidermy dreams come true. Apparently Terry
  Nutkins owns two.
http://www.customcreaturetaxidermy.com/novelties/novelties_2aa.html


  >> Niggers With Attitude folk stylee <<
  NWA hit controversy in the 80s with their
  celebration of gang culture, misogyny and
  republican-baiting lyrics. Folk artist
  Nina Gordon takes their Straight Outa Compton
  track and brings lilting lyricalism to the party.
  Sweetly pretty, and rather amusing actually.
http://www.ninagordon.com/audio/straightouttacompton.mp3


  >> Book a "celebrity" for your dinner party <<
  Wow. What a site. Here you can book a crappy
  forgotten celeb, and get them to come round for
  dinner. If there's not a TV show in this, then we
  are a Welshman. Although we'd prefer booking
  80s soul popsters ABC, feed them LSD laced soup,
  and them rape them until their saxaphones burst.
  You can also book Shnorbitz. (To bugger him
  blind, come in his ears and make him spunk-deaf.
  Your mileage may vary.)
http://www.supperwiththestars.co.uk/mainFRAMES.htm


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Three-way furry goodness

  >> Kung-Fu Kitten <<
  This perfectly timed photo is like something
  out of a martial arts flick.  With a cat.
  Or a kitteny Wayne Sleep.
http://www.dominocat.co.uk/wrath/wrath_files/image040.jpg

  >> Pocket Size Primates <<
  Keeping up the game for cute primates this week
  we have these insufferably adorable infant Pygmy
  Lorises.  Look at their teeny tiny fingers.
  Brilliant, aren't they?
http://cellar.org/2002/pygmyloriskids.jpg

  >> Japanese Blog of Cute <<
  It's a killer combination: loads of pictures 
  of cute animals and incomprehensible East-Asian 
  writing.  We're reliably informed that it's 
  utter filth, though, so if your boss knows 
  Japanese, take care...
http://www.10e.org/mt/archives/animal/

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Pure Ignorance

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
  lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked for examples of ignorance you'd
  overheard. Most of them featured Americans for
  some reason.
http://b3ta.com/questions/ignorance/

  #1 The Chat Up King
    "My flatmate's boss's 18 year old son was over
    from Los Angeles. According to him, his chat-up
    lines never failed. In a pub near the Millwall
    ground, against our advice, he tried this:

      "Hey there! Is your dad a thief?"
      "What the FUCK did you just say to me?"
      (flustered) "...because he stole the stars and"
      "Do you want me to break your fucking neck?"
      "Hey, hey, sorry, I just..."
      "FUCK OFF!"

    He almost cried." (browser)
     
  #2 I'm Free!
    "In a pub, playing Millionaire, we're up to five
    quid and up comes "Whose catchphrase was 'I'm
    Free!'?" We all smile smugly, but Tania leans
    across. DUM DUM DUM! Wrong Answer!
    
    Tania, if you're reading this then I hope to 
    God that you now know that Nelson Mandela did
    not walk out of prison after twenty odd years
    and, in front of a crowd of anti-apartheid
    protesters and half the world's press, say:
    
       "I'm free!"
       
    ...in a camp voice." (gluskap)
     
  #3 Brown Paint
    "My mum once said she she was off to buy some
    'Nigger Brown' paint. After explaining that you
    can't call it that, we check the colour chart
    and find it's now called "Conker Brown". Later,
    in the shop, mum walks up to assistant of
    Afro-Caribbean persuasion:
    
       "I'd like some 'Conker Brown' paint please"
       "Conker Brown?"
       "Yes, you know, the one that used to be
       'Nigger Brown'."
   
    (sumo_san)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about the black sheep in
  your family. Who don't you talk to any more?
http://b3ta.com/questions/blacksheep/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Action Grannies Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us what the
  modern Granny gets up to:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/actiongrannies/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'thediscokingpin' to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  thediscokingpin writes -

  #1 "This gave me the biggest laugh. Taking both
    the Action Man notion and adding the daily
    rhetoric of old folk was a winner to me.
    The simple animation loop and the good source
    photo just left the dialogue, and its spot on."
    (The Snockerty Friddle)
http://b3ta.com/board/4146299

  #2 "A superb No. 2 for Halk for making me nearly
    vomit with the squeamish combination of the
    animation and the pleasant and indeed welcoming
    face of an elderly lady being gratified." (Halk)
http://b3ta.com/board/4131863

  #3 "At No.3, corington with the psychic powers
    gran. For me this just smacks of an image made
    by a fairly warped mind, and that always tickles
    my fancy. The classic three scene set-up, the
    clear images, nicely made, and very funny."
    (corington)
http://b3ta.com/board/4132424

  "A highly commended award has to be given to Duffer
  for his/her spin on the classic 'Is it real?' shot."
http://b3ta.com/board/4131966


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, The Challenge Dictator told us to
  photoshop, "Natural Rejection"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/naturalrejection/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MANTLEPIES BBC THREE MAYHEM - As you may
    recall, the chaps from www.mantlepies.com
    made some silly sketches for the BBC. Because
    the BBC is run by filthy communists, they're
    allowed to put them up on the web for free.
    They're fantastic. Especially the gently
    surreal ipod one.
http://www.mantlepies.com/stupidversion.htm


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GET SOMEONE SACKED - download a load of
    porn, claim it was sent to you by a workmate 
    and demand a sacking. Can't find good porn?
    B3ta's more determined wankers are using
    fusker these days. Google it.

  * BURGLARY BLOG - the criminal underclass are
    vastly more interesting than your average
    twat with a PC. Break into houses. Blog
    the loot and your experiences. You'll have
    a book deal before the filth can say,
    "you're nicked".

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  Ben Wheatley and team B4ta.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the thankfully sober b4ta.
  Popular on P2P networks without leaving
  a trace on blogs, newsgroups and messageboards
  since 2001. (76848)
  
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  TOP TIP: "To prevent feet from getting cold the 
  Japanese stuff a chilli pepper in their socks. 
  It helps, but you really should take them out 
  before disco." Anyone want to test this one? 
  Anyone?

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