NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 175: "ONE MORE REASON TO DO SOD ALL WORK"
This Week:
* INTRODUCING - Tokyo Sexwale
* JOEL - Winners song
* BUNNY - Extreme Bugs Bunny
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 175 - 24 Mar 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue175/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: ADVERT
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>> Advertise in B3ta <<
Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Rathergood, weird name song & guess the object
>> Joel sings... <<
"It's spring time," writes Veitch. "Joy is
flooding my soul, and so I've made the
happiest thing in the world." Featuring his
new band 7 Seconds Of Love, it certainly is
energetic.
http://www.7secondsoflove.com/winners/
>> Strange name worship <<
"My friend made this short Flash animation,"
boasts Craig, "based on my joyful
mispronounciation-based South African leader
song. I hope you like it!" We do Craig, we
do. If we could afford to give you a special
badge then we would.
http://www.hootsmon.com/fergietron/tokyosexwale.sw...
>> Guess the object <<
"I wonder could you help me", enquires Neil,
"about two years ago I was out on the piss,
and on the way home I found this box. It's a
normal cigar box but inside it's full of these
little pieces of paper, ranging from really
thin to card thickness. I've not a clue what
this could be for and I reckon it to be the
product of a deranged mind or something."
Readers! If you know then get in touch.
http://www.identity.ie/whatsinthebox/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Useless Information
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you for the rubbish facts
that are clogging up your brains:
http://b3ta.com/questions/uselessinformation/
* "There is such a thing as a scale for rating
poo - it is called the Bristol Stool Scale
and it rates poos from 1-7. Apparently, from
a medical perspective, a 4 is ideal."
(harryfreeze)
* "Koala bears may spontaneously combust when
isolated from their group due to a build up
of eucylyptus oil on the tops of their heads.
They cannot reach this area to clean it and
rely on other koalas to groom them, hence
when isolated for a long time the oil builds
up and in extreme heat can ignite and explode
the koala. This has been blamed for many bush
fires." (Dill)
* "The Norwegian for 'Do I dare to meet them?'
is 'Tore jeg mote dem?' I know this because
in 1987 I watched the Norway entry of the
Eurovision Song Contest with Ceefax subtitles-
and my mum took a photo of me watching it
and that caption is on the screen (with
the English underneath) It's so sad..."
(knife_of_justice)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about the flashbacks
you experience with particular songs. Go on,
talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/flashbacks/
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: IS IT REAL?
Don't email in - it's just for fun
The Objective: Christian Ministries run a science
fair that teaches kids to disprove evolutionism
with such rigorous experiments as 'My Uncle Is
A Man Named Steve And Not A Monkey' and through
making a scale Noah's Ark full of gerbils. It's
almost too idiotic to be true - or is it?
http://objective.jesussave.us/creationsciencefair....
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Hyped-up rabbit character <<
Kids today - they're all into "extreme".
And it's the marketing men's mission to see
they get extreme - whether they want it or
not. This update of Bugs Bunny makes a good
point, with a maximum of gratuitous swearing.
http://www.csh.rit.edu/~rage/TLGmedia/anim_pages/a...
>> David Blaine's morbid tricks <<
Ah, if only David Blaine wasn't such a master
of the arts of illusion. We'd love to believe
that he would actually pull out his own heart
live on TV. But that didn't stop us from
recoiling in fear and dismay when we saw this
video clip.
http://www.lookatentertainment.com/v/v-663.htm
>> Microphone-nuzzling politico <<
Cheers to our Russian correspondent for sending
us this brief clip of a Lithuanian right-wing
politician caught off-guard by the camera. He
seems to be seeking oral comfort from the mike,
like the metal nipple of a robot mum.
http://www.compromat.ru/main/ne_rossiya/litsustaus...
>> Double-decker cat pram <<
Would you like to take your pets out for a
walk, but are concerned they might get the
benefit of exercise as well as fresh air?
We can't, for the love of fuck, work out just
who and what this weird collection of cages
on wheels is for. Zoom in on the pic for a
good close-up view of some unhappy cats.
http://www.hammacher.com/publish/72079.asp#
>> Left-brain/right-brain quickfire quiz <<
The questions come at you from both sides:
One side maths, the other colour-matching.
The object is to see both how clever you are
and which side of your brain you favour. In
practice though it made us panic and spack
around the screen in ungainly panic.
http://www.tetris1d.org/zigah/twinoo/twinoo.php
>> That girl in my spam <<
Spam. Like an old friend it greets you from
your inbox every day. Rob of Cockeyed.com
noticed one rather lovely face (and dress)
cropping up again and again and launched a
one-man mission to find out her true identity.
http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/spam/alicia/alicia...
>> "Fuck my sex foot" <<
Foot fetishists: Enjoy vaginal sex, but dislike
women? The makers of 'Kaylani's Foot' are aiming
right at you. It's a sexy prosthetic lady foot,
with a handy fake vagina in the heel. Classy.
http://www.extremerestraints.com/stat/ec322.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Gummy tiger and huggy tiger
Aww. Look at this tiny feline yawning his little
head off. Looks like butter wouldn't melt in his
mouth - or indeed that he'd be able to chew it.
http://www.animalyawns.com/Tigers/Cheyenne-4.jpg
It's very cold on the icy steppes of Siberia,
so hats off to this friendly tiger warming his
human chum Michael Moore with a big matey hug.
http://www.goyk.com/temp/potd/tiger_hug.jpg
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
Solar Death Ray
Building a gigantic parabola of mirrors to focus
the power of 112 suns onto hapless household
objects sounds like a lot of fun. However, the
site's owner sternly warns us, "The Solar Death
Ray is dangerous. Don’t build one. I’m surprised
I haven't burnt or blinded myself yet. The fumes
from molten plastic can’t be good either." Click
through to Target Gallery to witness the molten
results of his own reckless experiments.
http://www.solardeathray.com/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Preggers game, film quiz & solid Easter egg
>> Spunk invaders <<
"After being subjected to my baby nephew's
constant wails," hisses Naive Amoeba, "I
decided to make a game which involves using
a rubber diaphragm to bounce sperm away from
an egg." Blimey, this amused us for a few
minutes, although mainly because there's soon
to be the skitter of tiny claws at B3ta Towers
with a mini-Manuel on the way.
http://www.naiveamoeba.co.uk/index.asp
>> "Who's that extra?" film quiz <<
"Remember me?" enquires Scott, "You liked my
other stupid stuff like the Evil Clown Generator.
Well, I just made a rather pointless flash
game that tests your knowledge of obscure
Hollywood actors." Working on the "Shit, I've
seen him somewhere but..." principle, this quiz
is fucking tough.
http://scottsmind.com/wherehave.php
>> Solid Easter egg <<
As kids we were always disappointed with
Easter Eggs being hollow. What a rip-off.
J0nnyspence obviously feels the same.
http://mysite.wanadoo-members.co.uk/j0nnyspence/eg...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Daily Sport Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to muck up pictures
of David Sullivan because we felt vaugely
annoyed that his newspaper was taking b3ta
images and selling them on mobile phones.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/davidsullivan/
We asked b3ta legend Freddy Woo to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Freddy Woo writes -
#1 "Photo Booth - I'm not saying David has
a face like an arse. But this is. (Darryn.R)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4386193
#2 "Graphic Design Dept - David is stealing
our pics, so this steals err.. someone
elses. (purpleonion)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4386132
#3 "Hair cut - trust monkeon to take the
sideways approach. Nicely observed, yes
David has got a crap hair cut."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4401199
Our challenge promted the Daily Sport to get
in touch, they wrote:
"At Daily Sport we love b3ta. Our publisher,
David Sullivan, contacted us today to say how
much he enjoyed your current Photoshop Challenge.
"You may have noticed that in our Internutter
column we have ceased to promote any images on
mobile phones, and, in future, we will leave
any tags your contributors put on their work in
place. Keep up the good work!"
Right. Hopefully this bit of silliness is
resolved. Newspapers. Please take note:
all most people want is credit for their
work, and if you're planning to do t-shirts
or other money making stuff. Just get in
touch with the artist. It's not hard.
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta challenge winner Darryn.R gave us
the suggestion, "Tragic Roundabout"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tragicroundabout/
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: STOP TELLING US
* SEARCHING FOR CITROEN LOGO on google images
produces an interestingly NSFW take on their
double chevron.
* WHOREPRESENTS.COM doesn't quite live up
to its domain name.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MORE NOKIA FACTS - spiny informs us that "the
'dit dit dit dah dah dit dit dit' bleeps that
Nokias make when you get an SMS is actually
Morse code for 'SMS'." That makes a lot of
sense - we'd always thought they were calling
for help.
* THE CHAIN REACTION GAME of last week's
newsletter prompted a lot of readers to invoke
super-brain nerd status because of their high
scores. Comp_wizard11235 seems to have the
best claim. "It's not that hard," writes this
vast, disembodied brain in a jar.
"After a chain reaction runs, it leaves areas
of pieces pointed in the same direction. You
can't start another reaction in such a region,
but it's excellent for propagating reactions.
"So just start a second reaction in untouched
spaces right next to a region that has been
aligned by previous reactions. Most likely,
the reaction will run through several hundred
tiles."
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: B3TA SALUTES
Gay lion farm
Sadly, not quite what the name might suggest,
but we loved these 1930s publicity shots of
Mr and Mrs Gay's Hollywood lion ranch. It's
great seeing this fairly ordinary married couple
nonchalantly arsing around with giant cats.
http://www.alamedainfo.com/Gays_Lion_Farm.htm
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: FRIDAY GAME
Stampy death
There's not much depth to this deadly game of
elephant and parrot. You simply have to avoid
being crushed by the monstrous tusker's clumsy
foot. But we enjoyed its cuteness combined with
the constant, demented screeching in French.
http://home.tiscali.be/dinodino/jeux/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BIRMINGHAM EGG - Take 5 scotch eggs, cut in
half and cover in masala sauce. Place in
Balti dish and serve with naan and/or chips.
We'll send a b3ta t-shirt to anyone who cooks
this up, eats it and makes a lovely little
photo log / write up of their adventure.
* COFFEE ART WITH COCKS - loving this image
of a lion made with coffee froth. Maybe
you could get creative and do one with
cocks. Or a minge.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tonx/1356415/in/set-4...
* SOCIAL ENGINEERING - apparently you can get
free pizza by walking into a takeaway behind
some people, looking as if you're with them,
noting their name and order and phoning back
in 10 minutes saying "the ham was raw" and
asking to pick up a fresh one.
* METRO - create fake copies of the newspaper,
with crazed stories, leave them on the Tube
and observe people's reactions.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by ruski, 5700, whatsinaname212,
mrtinybrain, Geordie Al, amazongirl, dr_fonz,
James Hopkin, Rob T Firefly, C-Bean,
whatsinaname212, fraggledrew and Geordie Al
Top Tippery by Tim Sheridan
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the IPO b4ta millionaires. (76547)
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TOP TIP:
If you're accidentally forced to take cocaine in
a very hot and humid country, simply acquire a
common slab of marble (small) and place it in the
microwave for 4 mins. Presto! you now have a
cutting surface that is extremely porous and
absorbs all moisture from your precious gak,
leaving it fluffy, dry and splendidly granular.
The marble retains the heat internally too, for
a good working timescale of 15-20 minutes.
