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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 197: "YOU THOUGHT WE WERE JOKING WHEN WE SAID IT WAS A COOKING NEWSLETTER"

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This Week:
* FOOD - Kettle vs Pasta
* WEEBL - Magical Trevor III 
* JUDO - Is it gay?

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 197 - 16 Sep 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue197/

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: ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS

  A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush

  * On covering an injured wrist with a bandage,
    "I didn't want your mum to see my gash."

  * On lending a cylinder to fix a car, "I can't
    believe I'm giving you this good head."

  Cash for Gash. Well, it would be, if we paid
  for submissions. 
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN COOKING THIS WEEK 
  à la carte des b3ta

  >> Kettle vs Pasta <<
  "Thanks for putting the breakfast ironing in
  last week," badgers Thomas Scott. "We got some
  wonderful emails and were even mentioned on a
  Welsh radio breakfast show. They suggested we
  try and make pasta and sauce in a kettle. So
  we did. It knackered the kettle, and one of
  us got boiling water in the eye, but it did
  seem to work."
http://www.thomasscott.net/iron/pasta/


  >> Haribo vs Bread <<
  Continuing the theme of dreadful cooking,
  GigerPunk says "seeing as last week's Haribo
  wasn't working out, I thought I'd try cooking
  them in a bread-maker." Blimey. This looks
  sticky.
http://gigerpunk.ukgeeks.co.uk/c692109.html


  >> Haribo SUCCESS! <<
  They said it couldn't be done, but Mr_Pink has
  managed to sculpt the evil gooey stuff. And
  top marks for making it look like a cock.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5115054


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: DAPHNE AND CELESTE UPDATE
  They'll never live down the bottles of piss

  Daphne & Celeste, once famous in the UK for
  their chipmunk-voiced novelty pop, are now
  more notorious for their exit from the music
  industry: having bottles of piss lobbed at
  them at the Reading festival. B3ta reader
  Bad Horsey caught up with them and asked
  all about it:

  Daphne: Believe it or not, we actually sold
  an official autographed bottle of Reading
  piss on eBay as a joke, and it went for
  three thousand pounds (buyer undisclosed).

  BTW: Lots of celebs can be summarised down
  to one-line facts. It's a fun game to play
  in the car or office. "Sarah Miles? Drinks
  her own piss." or "Madonna? Pisses on her
  feet in the shower." Er.. entertains us,
  anyway.


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Playstation review, Magical Trevor III

  >> Wipeout Pure on a dropped PSP <<
  Britain has gone mad for the Playstation
  Pocket. Why, we can't even visit Woolworths
  to buy some pic'n'mix without being assaulted
  by the kids tumbling over us to rob the game
  boxes. Jonti has caught the gaming bug and
  grabbed a unit to review on his site. But,
  er.. dropped it. The pathos alone makes
  it a better review than anything you'll
  read on Amstrad Action (or wherever the
  kids read about games these days.)
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/articles/454/


  >> Magical Trevor III <<
  Sequels to sequels don't have a great
  tradition: Jaws 3D inspired Viz's Pathetic
  Sharks, Matrix Revolutions undermined the
  brilliance of the first film so successfully
  that it's embarrasing to even mention the
  films in company, and Addams Family Reunion
  went straight to video and didn't have the
  original actors in it anyway. Trust
  (the clearly busy) Jonti to buck the trend. 
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/magical+trevor+3/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Mothers-in-law

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked how the in-laws were doing:
http://b3ta.com/questions/inlaws/

  * Lost in Translation
    "So my wonderful Polish mother-in-law is
    cooking us dinner and as I'm sitting there,
    knife and fork clutched in my hands like Fred
    Flintstone waiting for his steakosaurus, the
    MIL decides to strike up a convo in fragmented
    English. Eyes looking up like she's trying to
    read the words off the inside of her skull,
    she stumbles out with 'Ania is so much calm
    now you are fucking her, yes?'" (Grrrmachine)
     
  * Foot-in-mouth
    "I don't think my mother-in-law ever really
    liked me that much. Perhaps our first meeting
    might have had something to do with it...
    Greeted with a peck on the cheek by my future
    wife, I am ushered into the living room where
    my ears are assaulted by what can only be
    described as the worst kind of middle-of-
    the-road music, the kind I utterly despise:
    'Christ on a bike, what's this crap?'
    'Alexander O'Neil. It's my mother's favourite.'
    'Jeeez - so where is the tone-deaf old
    trout anyway?' 'Behind you.' Ah." (Scaryduck)
     
  * Frogs, box of.
    "My MIL is lovely, but a bit obsessed in the
    cleaning stakes. She cleans her skirting boards
    with a toothbrush, believes you can't clean a
    kitchen in less than five-and-a-half hours
    and owns three hoovers - one for upstairs,
    one for downstairs and one for outside. Yes,
    outside. In the winter, those pesky birds drop
    seeds and nuts from the bird feeder everywhere.
    The solution? Hoover the lawn. Oh yes. Mad as
    a goose on stilts." (Sausagegirl)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to talk posh. Are you posh? Who's
  the poshest person you've met? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/posh/


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Run your car on dead cats <<
  Fuel prices are rocketing sky-high at the
  moment, and numerous barking solutions 
  are doing the rounds. We've had emails
  suggesting we water down our diesel with
  vegetable oil, tin-foil-hatted theories
  that the car indsutry has suppressed the
  invention of the water-powered combustion
  engine for 40 years, and best of all, this
  report on how to fuel your car on deceased
  kittens. Only need 20 of them to fill your
  tank. Woo. And if you keep running over
  your neighbours' pets, we'll have created
  a perpetual motion machine. 
http://snipurl.com/hqk7


  >> Geeks. Click this one <<
  Nerdy parents! Worried that your kids are growing
  up without Asperger's and a desire to case-mod
  their Vtech into a Commodore 64? Simply buy
  them this "Teach Yourself C" board-game. Sheesh!
  If your child can't write a recursive loop by
  the time he's six, there's simply no hope is there?
http://www.c-jump.com/


  >> Goth / Darkwave mini-pops <<
  In the 80s, C4 used to broadcast a paedo-friendly
  TV show where tots painted their faces like
  child-whores and lip-synced to sexually
  suggestive pop songs. We want the show back,
  and for the kids to sing Sisters of Mercy,
  The Cure or even Devo. Much like this odd
  little clip.
http://snipurl.com/hqla


  >> Necro-swallows of DOOM! <<
  This was interesting - a photographer makes up
  some story based on his observations of a
  swallow "trying to save" its dead friend.
  "Please wake up!" and so on. Then some science
  bloke comes in and spoils it all by explaining
  that it was actually trying to fuck the corpse.
  Nice.
http://snipurl.com/necrodoom


  >> Mo Molam: Still dead <<
  Poor old Mo. Before her untimely bucket-kickage,
  she was booked on a speaking tour of the UK.
  Check out the sensitive way this threatre site
  chooses to announce her death. (Scroll down.)
http://www.blackfriars.uk.com/live_events.htm


  >> Gay Judo <<
  We were amused by this heart-felt plea for the
  return of more man-to-man grappling and less
  throwing in Judo. Kinda interesting in a
  historical way - was Judo traditionally the
  sport of closeted homosexuals? Actually
  that reminds us of a girl from school
  who claimed she wasn't a virgin because
  her hymen had been broken by a horse.
  We imagine she's still living that story 
  down.
http://www.matbattle.com/articles/bjj/new_gay_judo.htm


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: GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
  Retro Gamer magazine
  
  Despite our inveterate addiction to interwebs,
  we've still got big-love for magazines at B3ta
  HQ - mainly because we can't read Wikipedia in
  our local cafe. (Mario's, Kentish Town, visit
  if you're in the area for fantastic home-made
  chips. Can we have a free meal now, Mario?)

  So it was with sad hearts that we read an email
  informing us that our favourite magazine has
  closed down.

  "Hi, B3ta,

  "My name is Andrew Fisher, and I'm the editor
  of a new CD-based magazine called RETRO SURVIVAL,
  dedicated to old computer games. The people
  involved were all severely shafted by the closure
  of the commercial Retro Gamer mag, and are now
  putting together our tribute/two-fingered
  salute/money-grabbing CD."

  Anyway. If you are interested in buying the CD
  then have a gander at the site:
http://www.retrosurvival.co.uk/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Otters vs Sloths

  When God finally calls all his creatures to 
  judgement, are the otters going to Heaven
  and the sloths to Hell?

  >> Otters <<
  The case for otters: * You can use them to
  write 'otterly' great puns, * In the film Tarka
  The Otter they were voiced by the world's
  greatest raconteur, Peter Ustinov, * They're
  as clever as monkeys, and will use rocks as
  crude tools to smash open tasty crabs.
http://www.seaworld.com/seaworld/ca/_downloads/otter-1024.jpg


  >> Sloths <<
  In defence of sloths: * Due to their slow speed
  they are preyed upon by the harpy eagle. Their
  solution? Hide in a palm tree and pretend to
  be a coconut. Fuck, that's the only good fact
  about sloths, so we guess the otters win.
http://www.cultofdegan.com/images/costarica/sloths/index15.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from Your Boring Movie Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you design movie posters
  of your own lives.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/boringmovies/

  We asked b3ta boarder homonk to judge the 
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  homonk writes -

  #1 "Sock 2 - it's very rare that a sequel 
  is as good as the original, even rarer that it
  is better. However with this entry this is the
  case. It's the 'contains mild cotton' that 
  makes it. (Samwidge) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5099889
 
  #2 "Gone with the Bins - Fantastic and very
  well executed. I'd go and see this film. I'd
  probably buy the DVD as well. (citizen loz)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5100669
 
  #3 "Hammersmith Park - This made me laugh, it's
  simple, funny and true so I gave it third place.
  Brilliant. (Zaphod's Wombat) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5104292


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator wants to know 
  how we can make church popular again.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/makechurchpopular/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GEEK SONGS REDUX PART 10 - "During the filming
    of many a crap student film while at Art
    College, the sound men did a mean rendition of
    the Sade classic, Boom Operator." 

  * PAUL DANIELS BLOG - many of you wrote in to
    say that it is indeed his site. Dhughes also
    mentioned "that cunt should not be given the
    oxygen of oxygen let alone the oxygen of
    publicity."

  * PSYCHO OF THE WEEK - jwtaylor876 got in
    touch to say, rather disturbingly, "I'm going
    to uni next week and just bought my first knife,
    so now I'm singing 'It's My Knife' to Bon Jovi's
    'It's My Life'." Er.. Why do you need a knife
    to go to college? Actually we used to work
    with a bloke who would get out a pen-knife,
    stroke it, and call it "mother". We think
    he was trying to be funny, but it was a little
    disturbing all the same.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SWIMMING-POOL PISS CHALLENGE - is it true
    that urine in a swimming pool turns a dark
    colour, or just a myth? We imagine that a
    digital camera and a reader willing to get
    banned for life from their local leisure-
    centre could get us a definitive answer.

  * COUNCIL SMOOTHIE - liquidise two pounds of
    jellied sweets, down it in one, then video
    your subsequent vomiting or
    amphetamine-a-like sugar high.

  * SUPERGLUE WALNUTS - to your garden patio
    and watch the squirrels go mental. Or think
    of your own variation of a Jeremy Beadle
    camera prank and play it on an animal.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Emvee, kcmkelly, HowayTheLads,
  Vectrex, jess.woah, FatherJack, gingerwizard,
  david.marrs, Hapax Legomena, pauljbeard, &
  DrDerekDoctors.
  Top Tippery by Rob.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Proofing by the mysterious RJT.
  (104697 - 29324)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Make your photos not look like shit by taking
  them in daylight, using a tripod and
  shooting more than you need. This may
  sound obvious, but it's amazing how many
  people don't know these simple things.

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