NEWSLETTER: "LOTS AND LOTS OF STUFF THAT YOU'LL WANT TO CLICK ON AND IT'S VERY GOOD"
This Week:
* SONG - Internet is evvvviiiilllll
* ANIM - Russel Crow gets his cock out
* KITTENWAR BOOK - Make your kitten famous
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 225 - 21 Apr 2006
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Gladiator, Hypno Blaine, Freebies & Evil internets
>> Gladiator 'behind the scenes' anim <<
Dunkbd proudly brings you some previously-unseen
footage from the location of Ridley Scott's 1999
'sword and sandal' epic Gladiator. Excellent.
http://www.duncanbeedie.co.uk/gladiator.htm
>> More hypno-Blaine <<
Hypnochimp brings you part two of his "making
idiots think they're David Blaine" video. Best
bit? The really shitty levitation. Hypnochimp
is also looking for suggestions on what celebs
and scenarios he should do next.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/8122
>> Kittenwar book needs kittens <<
Fraser and Tom of Kittenwar have got a book
deal and are asking you to submit your hi-res
kittens for possible inclusion. UPLOAD YOUR
KITTENS NOW!
http://kittenwar.com/upload.php
>> 'Internet outrage' animation <<
Eclectech has put some nice visuals on a
DogHorse and Miss Prism track about how the web
is full of EVIL PREDATORS and no-one should go
online ever. Good recreation of the viewpoint of
an ill-informed right-wing newspaper. Now with
a foppish sheep wearing an unfeasibly large
bow tie. Great song though.
http://eclectech.co.uk/dailymailpicnic.php
>> Freebie finder <<
"Your other readers might be interested in a
site that I've been working on," beams cantino.
"The Freebie Finder aggregates freebie links
from around the web while removing scams and
referral pyramids. It does this through an
algorithm that verifies links across multiple
sites." What we noticed most was that once
you've removed the scams, you don't really
want much of the other free stuff on offer.
Basically we're just amused by the amount
of completely useless crap you can get for
free.
http://absurdlycool.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Teenage Parties
Last week we wanted your nostalgic memories of
the great teenage parties you'd been to. Instead
we got the stories involving throwing up and
smashing up people's houses. You lot are horrible.
http://b3ta.com/questions/teenageparties/
Here are three that amused us
* "3am, the party is dying down. All the beds
are taken, so I find a comfy-looking pile of
dirty laundry. Covering myself with a beach
towel, I fall asleep. Ten minutes later, I
am rudely awakened by a couple having sex on
top of me." (Queen of Cheesecake)
* "To ensure numbers we invited everyone. And
then they (apparently) invited everyone else.
We ended up with approximately 150 people in
our house, most of whom we didn't know. Did
they wreck it? Did they have sex in our beds?
No. In fact they protected our stuff. So much
so, that when my mate went to get some money
from his room he was stopped by a bunch of
guys who thought he was stealing. Did they
believe him when he said it was his room? No.
They beat him up for stealing." (breakfastwithjam)
* "I was about 18 or 19, and I went to a party
at this girl's house. I overdid it on the weed
and vodka, and then realised I was going to be
sick so I headed for the bathroom. Whoever was
in there was taking forever, but I knew that
the lock on the door wasn't very good so rather
than puke on the carpet I forced the bathroo
door open and went in. The hostess's gorgeous
younger sister, whose eye I'd shyly been trying
to catch all night was sitting on the toilet
doing a noisy poo, but my mouth was full of
vomit, cheeks were puffed out like a hamster.
I couldn't give any explanation because I
couldn't open my mouth to speak, but I felt
another surge coming so I stumbled forward
and tried to puke between her thighs. But she
shoved me away and it kind of arced up in the
air, showering both of us. Never did get invited
back." (trashbat)
>> This Week's Question <<
Have you ever scared the crud out of yourself
and your mates after dabbling with Dark Forces?
Tell us all about it in your best *spooky* voice:
http://b3ta.com/questions/messingwiththedarkside/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Kids write George Bush <<
An absolutely genius idea; get a bunch of 7-10
year-old children to make up their own speeches
for George Bush - then get an actor to read them.
The frightening thing is they have a, very slight,
edge of plausibility about them, given the Bushster's
normal use of language.
http://www.helenakeeffe.com/archives/000029.html
>> Dictionary of Yorkshire Medical Terms <<
Ostensibly compiled 'as a service to doctors who are
no native English-speakers', it's pretty obvious the
consultants at Doncaster NHS were pissing themselves
compiling a list of all the funny northern words they
know - and on £120,000 pa each, who wouldn't?
http://snipurl.com/stupidnhspdf
>> 'Make a bra' tip <<
So nice to see our licence fees at work here.
The BBC has a page up telling you all about how
to make a bra, using a simple, household
shopping bag. What an odd bunch of cunts.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A450587
>> 'Go anywhere' wheelchair <<
It's grossly unfair, really - how come all the
elderly and the disabled people get to play with
the cool stuff? They get great shit, like lifts
that slowly lower you into the bath while we
have to do it ourselves. Now this just takes the
flidding biscuit - a wheelchair with caterpillar
tracks so it can go anywhere and do anything.
Guess we need to find a disabled mate who can
give us backies.
http://www.tankchair.com/default.htm
>> Foam test gone wild! <<
Collected shots from a test of the fire-fighting
systems at Ellsworth Air Force base. It seems
they worked perfectly well - it's just the systems
that that switch off the fire-fighting systems
that don't. When the foam reached a height of
two storeys, they opened the doors and let it
run free.
http://snipurl.com/pfzz
>> List of films by gory death scene <<
We recently met a UK horror film director and they
said, "it's all about the kills. Think of 7 good
kills, and stitch the plot around that. That's what
the viewers care and talk about, the quality of
the kills." This reminded us a bit of how internet
viral bollocks works, i.e. think of a joke and
present it with minimal exposition. Anyway, if you
fancy entering the horror market then you could do
worse than reading this wikipedia list of kills
already performed by others.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_films_by_gory...
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: VIDEO FLIDEO
Youtube has broken the internet
>> Eurovision is for kids? <<
What's pink and smells of holly? Ian Huntleys
cock. And speaking of jokes past their prime,
onto the Eurovision Song Contest, and we're
loving this year's UK entry. Daz Sampson has
produced a touchingly nostalgic tribute to his school
days, complete with a nonce-friendly "lets dress
some tarts up in school uniform" video. It's
that he looks about 38 that makes it all look
so sinister, as if Huntley was out of jail
and on the come-back trail. BTW: The forums are
worth checking out, assuming they haven't
started moderating them yet; pages and pages of
"you fucking child fucker" abuse. Heh.
http://snipurl.com/fuckingnonce
>> Alex Chui interview <<
Internet legend Alex is most famous for his
immortality rings (only $23) which make you live
forever, assuming you don't break the get-out
clause of getting cancer or being hit by a car.
His latest product is a pill that makes you
handsome. Smart stuff, and a great interview
which leaves you debating whether Alex is a
canny snake-oil salesman, or just completely
crazy bonkers.
http://snipurl.com/alexchiuandyouoooo
>> We are all monkeys <<
Last year, a chap called Ernest Cline gave a rather
amusing speech about the state of the world today
and how we are all just a bunch of monkeys. He's
made a slideshow too. Excellent stuff , somewhat
reminiscent of Douglas Adams.
http://www.ernestcline.com/dmd/
>> Titanic 2 <<
A bloke who works at a magazine once told us,
"If you've got three then you've got a trend,"
which fits nicely with the sub-genre of
splicing up films and sticking them on the
interwebs. First we had The Shining cut with
happier music, then Back the the Future
rejigged as a cross-generational bumsexualist
love-story between Marty and the Doc. And now?
A sequel to Titanic, the joke obviously being
that you can't sequel Titanic unless you
make "Revenge of the Iceberg" or something.
Hasn't stopped them having a go and the results
are surprisingly inventive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Dangerous French driving <<
Early one 1976 morning, Claude Lelouch attached
a camera to the bumper of his Ferrari 275 GTB,
which was then driven very, very quickly around Paris.
The identity of the driver is still a secret and when
you see the scary motoring on display you can
understand why.
http://snipurl.com/frenchcunts
>> Cat vs Puppies <<
Cute short video of a cat reacting to about
10 puppies. The cat doesn't really give a
fuck, and the doggies are playful and curious.
Charming.
http://snipurl.com/catvspuppies
>> 'Barking' cat <<
Non-cat-owners might not know about
'chattering', the strange noise a cat makes
whilst staring at birds through a window.
Some believe that it's a practise motion
for the killer's lethal bite, others think
that it's just mental. Worth a look anyway.
http://snipurl.com/woofwoofwoofmofucker
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Web 2.0 Challenge
Last week we wanted you to invent lots of strange
and useful products for Web 2.0. So you did.
Our favourites included:
* THE POST OFFICE - like writing letters always has
been, but with more user variables.
(Monkeon)
* GOOGLE EARTH PORN PLUGIN - Extending Google
Earth's interface to satisfy even the loneliest of
web surfers (HappyToast)
* POP-UPS 2.0 - Let's face it. It's only a matter
of time before the fuckers figure out how to
implement this. (Mr MacTarpaulin-Smythe)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/web2point0/
>> New challenge: What's behind your desktop? <<
If you peel off the wallpaper on your computer desktop,
what's hiding behind? Show us the stuff that's behind
the screen, the scientific and the surprising.
Challenge suggested by Sverre.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/desktop/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. Do it.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* LAST WEEK'S AD - with its Crying Game style
strip poker ending - caused a few ructions. Luke
writes, "That poker link was fucking disgusting...
thiiiis close to blowin' my load, then mancock in
the face. Thanks, jerks." Hehe.
* EASTER MATRYOSHKA EGG - Ska King Cody
diligently studied the design of those little
nesting Russian dolls, then made the same
thing with a shedload of chocolate eggs. And
why? As a beautiful gift to his lovely lady. Oh,
and because it was Easter last weekend too.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5842837
* B3TA NOT BANNED - "My boyfriend just told me
that he can't get to the site from work as it violates
the terms and conditions of internet usage there or
something," beams pamlet. "He works for the
federal government of Canada. I work for Adobe
and b3ta's not blocked here yet!" And we should
hope not too, all things considered.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Ice-wall smashing game
This week's intensely irritating game sees you
running face-first at barriers of ice blocks.
Time your punches badly and you smash your head
in. Tricky, but the little 'success' animation
keeps you wanting to carry on playing.
http://snipurl.com/bigwallofrape
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DAVE THE CHAMELEON CRAZY FROG RINGTONE -
come on Labour Party central office, you've
created a great character there, we want to
see more of him. And you'll make a shit load
of cash.
* RADIO 1 TO STOP PIMPING PODCASTS SO HEAVILY
- please stop asking us to download your
podcasts, we're already listening to the shows
via the bloody radio and it's getting annoying.
Anyway, as you legally have to cut the music
out, having 2hrs of Chris Moyles with no breaks
is a shitty experience anyway.
* A VIRTUAL BUBBLE WRAP SIMULATOR - and a website
with hamsters dancing. We've looked everywhere
on the internet and can't find anything of this
calibre.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by lizzyb78, adrianord, Totally
mexico, james_vinny, pbergin1, demon_vulture
& spitze.
Top Tippery by David Manuel.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Hola to b4ta. (108488 - 35100)
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TOP TIP:
Can't open a screw-top bottle? Stick the cap
in the hinge of the door and close the door
until the cap is gripped tightly. Twist the
bottle and the cap should pop off. Warning:
This does work very effectively but we've
damaged the paintwork of a few doors with
this.
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