we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "GET YOUR COCK OUT, IT'S FRIDAY"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* MUSIC - Free (although not legal) MP3s for all
* GAME - Rotatey Flickr thingie
* WEEBL - Jonti rags on gingers

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 268 - 16 Mar 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue268/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Viral Award Alert

  B3tards: Your stuff in London's ICA. A Channel
  4 commission. The adoration of your peers & the
  great global unwashed. All up for grabs if you
  enter the Germ awards NOW. Deadline 31 March.
  Categories include Best Video/Still
  Image/Interactive Viral. Joel Veitch vid on the
  homepage too, so thatís worth a butcher's.
http://snipurl.com/channel4germ


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Spoofs, searchers, tape art and pic tiles

  >> CSI: Pie Ami <<
  Weebl and Bob are back and spoofing the
  runtiest twig of the mighty CSI oak. Yeah,
  you'll probably have to have seen CSI: Miami to
  get it. Great opening credit sequence though.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/CSI/


  >> Instant music search <<
  "Fuck a duck," says cr3, "I've made the best
  even better." And indeed he has, making marked
  improvements to his free internet music
  searchers. Now you can see the results as they
  come in and preview as and when you want.
  Here's a search for some KLF:
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/site/music-plus/index.php?music=KLF


  >> Big Tape Art <<
  "I seem to have created art!" ejaculates
  jrfstancer, "Artwork which only appeals to
  programmers and web monkeys. I'm having
  problems connecting to my target audience.
  Where are all those ZX spectrum fans who like
  to buy original artwork?" Perhaps reading this
  very newsletter, you never know. Incidentally,
  just to be clear, these are really big pictures
  of tapes. Not actual tapes with games on as
  that would be piracy. And piracy ain't cool,
  kids.
http://www.jodiandjody.co.uk/


  >> Rotating tile random pic <<
  This is flipping awesome - if you'll pardon the
  pun - the game grabs a photo from flickr then
  scrambles it up. You have to rotate it to make
  sense once again - if you can before the time
  runs out. Nice one, Philipp Lenssen!
http://www.gamesforthebrain.com/game/rotate/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Strict Parents

  Last week we asked for the loopy things that
  your parents had told you not to do:
http://b3ta.com/questions/strictparents/

  Here are three things that have been banned
  for all the wrong reasons:
  
  * DRUGS. WELL, SORT OF.
    "Not my parents, who have among other things
    baby-sat for Ozzy Osbourne. Mrs Spoon's on
    the other hand: her parents used to be strict
    Catholics - as in Mother was a nun and Father
    was a trainee priest. As she was growing up
    there were numerous acts of parental lunacy
    but this one wins. They were ridiculously
    over-paranoid about drugs - even the
    slightest mention and they'd flip out. So,
    one day her mother is in my missus' bedroom
    and finds a wrapped up foil thing. She goes
    fucking apeshit. But not in front of my
    missus: no, she has to be sure first, so off
    she goes to best mate's house to consult with
    other parents. As no-one can identify the
    contents of the mysterious foil, but it
    smells kind of sweet... A whole week later,
    having had no luck with parents, her mother
    heads over to see the doctor, foil wrap in
    hand. The doctor has a look, takes a scraping
    from the edge of this stuff, has a sniff -
    same slightly sweet smell, a little bit like
    strawberries. He's not really sure what the
    kids are into these days. Best to open the
    thing up and see if there's a better sample
    anywhere. As the doctor opens up this tinfoil
    flower, rather familiar looking words appear:
    Petit Filous. Strawberry Flavour." (Sonic
    Spoon)
     
  * SCATTER CUSHIONS
    "Being much younger than my brothers (they
    all left home when I was 5) meant that I had
    to play on my own. One day when I was about
    7, I was pretending to be a cat, creeping
    around the house, stalking imaginary prey. I
    finally pounced, killed and ate my imaginary
    rat (i.e. jumped on and wrestled with a
    cushion then stuffed it under my jumper). I
    then went to sit in front of the electric
    fire for a sleep (still in cat-mode). My
    mother came in to the lounge, saw me lying on
    the floor and went ballistic. Shaking all
    over; her red face inches from mine, "You're
    pretending to have a baby aren't you. You're
    giving birth aren't you. Give me that
    cushion; give me that cushion; don't you dare
    play this again. You are not having cushions
    again." *slap* Despite protesting that I was
    pretending to be a cat. I was not allowed
    near a cushion for a long, long time."
    (pottybeaver)
     
  * JOKERS
    "My Dad was convinced that the Joker in a
    deck of cards was in some way evil, and he
    would burn them. Until, that is, the
    otherwise uneventful Christmas when,
    demonstrating his belief, he inadvertently
    set fire to his beard." (Borusa's Weetabix)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your experiences of cross dressing.
  Relax your gender stereotypes here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crossdressing/


-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Goodbye Cellulite
  
  Girls! Is cellulite making your life a dimply
  misery? The trick is to love your big butt -
  and whack some Nivea cream all over it.
http://snipurl.com/GoodbyeCellulite


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Jet from Gladiator <<
  Wankers of a certain age will remember Jet from
  Gladiator, specifically how enjoyable it was to
  see her lycra-clad arse every Saturday
  afternoon. She's now working as a
  psychotherapist, complete with photos of
  herself in a state of undress as the page
  background. Classy. We're betting she'll be
  signed up by some reality TV show within a year.
http://www.dianeyoudale.co.uk/products_services.html


  >> Shit CGI News reader <<
  Before Ananova was the number 1 news
  destination for stories about farting donkeys,
  it used to feature a disembodied head reading
  the news in a robot voice. It was crap. Good to
  see that the newspapers in Norfolk are keeping
  up with late 90s technology. (Thanks Ashen)
http://www.newsfastuk.info


  >> Great URL, niche service <<
  Has your Action Man's hair lost its lustre?
  Help is at hand.
http://www.flocktastic-hair.com/


  >> Neat music mixer <<
  Always happy to see incremental advances in
  interface ideas for using computers to make
  music. Expect to see mixers working like this
  small flash application in your favourite sound
  editor soon. Fun too.
http://www.datadreamer.com/2daudio/projecttwo.html


  >> Hello my future girlfriend <<
  Long term meme-watchers will remember the old
  webpage with the creepy boy who was looking for
  a sex partner. He's now an adult, read his
  rather interesting interview here.
http://www.trendpediawiki.com/Hello_My_Future_Girlfriend


  >> Duck cocks <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer visiting the Kentish Town
  City Farm the other day and was rather amused
  to watch a randy duck attempt to rape a lady
  duck. Mrs Duck was hanging none of it, and
  nipped Mr Duck in the groin, twanging his penis
  a good couple of inches from his body. Sadly we
  weren't able to catch this on video (so a
  billion views on YouTube isn't ours), but we
  did find this news story pointing out that
  ducks have exceptionally large penises. Who
  would have thought it?
http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/enviro/EnviroRepublish_366856.htm


  >> Endless social networking sites <<
  Another week, another website launched for us
  to share our media and infringe copyright. This
  weeks top choice is Scribd, with the seemingly
  uncompelling idea of sharing Word docs and
  PDFs. We're linking it as we uploaded the Sick
  Joke Book and were rather amused by the option
  to have it read out by a robot voice. Hearing
  jokes about Harold Shipman rendered so dryly
  amuses us. Your mileage may vary.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/11010/B3ta-Bumper-Book-Of-Sick-Jokes


  >> South Park interview <<
  Enjoyable interview with Parker and Stone, the
  creators of South Park, covering their
  laissez-faire attitudes to people sharing their
  show online and mentioning The Simpsons writers' reaction to their (quite
  fair) mocking of The Family Guy.
http://www.reason.com/news/show/116787.html


  >> Cyber stalking <<
  Great article about using the web to hunt down
  a bloke posting threatening letters to students.
http://www.advocate.com/currentstory1_w.asp?id=42749


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> French beatboxing <<
  What appears to be a hopeful from the French
  version of Pop Idol engaging in a
  phenomenally-skilled bit of vocal gymnastics to
  wow the judges. Can't see it crossing over into
  any kind of mainstream pop career but who knows
  with the French, eh? They're unpredictable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFDDxZFm7JQ


  >> Distinctive laugh <<
  People with distinctive laughs are great, as
  you can pick and choose whether you're laughing
  with them or at them. Here's a girl, who
  actually sounds like she's laughing backwards,
  chortling over that 'Dad at Comedy Barn' clip
  that was doing the rounds a little while back.
  The humour in that? The guy's deeply weird but
  infectious laugh. Anyway, lovely stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iys86OcXPY8


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Chicken cock

  Ok, this isn't actually a funny name but we can
  no longer tell the difference between people
  with silly nomenclature, and photos of things
  that look like cocks. Mountainloz scribes,
  "this is a crudely manufactured cock that i
  found in a pack of tesco healthy options mini
  chicken fillets that i was getting for my
  sandwiches, what do you reckon, naturally that
  shape or was someone having a laugh? It was
  tasty anyway."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/6970773


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Kid's TV Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to subvert kid's telly.
  So you did.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * JURASSIC PARK - Flee in terror as Barney goes
  on the rampage (Polygraphic)

  * BUTTON MOON - Mr. Spoon regrets an offer from
  NASA to use the Space Shuttle Challenger (rogan)

  * MIFFY - In which Miffy encounters a stiffy
  (Custard)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kids_tv/


  >> New challenge: Real Life Board Games <<
  What happens when board game play occurs in
  real-life surroundings? Colonel Mustard in a
  police line-up, anyone? Crank up Photoshop and
  get juxtaposing.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/board_games/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested by
  other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GODTUBE - Last week we asked you to upload
  god bothering videos to Jesus's own version of
  YouTube. Psythor writes, "I did, and I got
  banned." Watch them here if you like.
http://jamesomalley.co.uk/blog/?p=509


  * NEW BERTIE BASSETT OUTRAGE - thehotpie takes
  time out of his clearly busy schedule to
  complain, "They've changed Bertie Bassett to be
  an all liquorice thing now, instead of a blue
  goo, black liquorice sandwich. I am disgusted!
  I complained and they replied, 'The Bertie unit
  has been altered from a blue unit to a black
  unit, and is now a liquorice sweet and not
  aniseed, as it was previously.  Market research
  has led us to adapt the recipe for this unit to
  appeal to a larger market.'"


  * KITES IN SPACE - the_mad_major screams, "We -
  as in the military - routinely use very large
  kites, wingspans in excess of 28 feet,  in
  order to conduct surveillance operations. I
  believe the current World Record is something
  like 13,600 feet by some punter in Japan." 


  * GOOGLE WALKER - we asked for a site to help
  us plan travelling by foot,  Silverfin informs,
  "Not necessary for Londoners, as there is the
  excellent walkit.com. Apparently they have
  plans to expand and include other places at
  some point." Woo, this is truly fantastic and
  we can't wait to put it to use.
http://www.walkit.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Binary Game

  Girls! Unlike the sponsored link for Nivea butt
  cream, this link isn't for you. It's for boys,
  very geeky boys who like nerding out on binary.
  We found it quite satisfying as it made us feel
  clever.
http://forums.cisco.com/CertCom/game/binary_game_page.htm

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd REALLY like to see include

  * MELTING DOWN MONEY - pub chat reaches us that
  the metal contained in a two pence piece is
  actually worth more like three pee. Can someone
  melt about £10 worth, and attempt to flog them
  on eBay for £15. Yes it's illegal, but fuck it,
  it would make an interesting little story.

  * DR L33T - rework Gloria Estefan's dancefloor
  classic for the nerdster 2.0 generation.
  Preferably with Gloria doing a sex dance round
  some bearded teenager installing uBuntu on his
  Macbook.

  * AUTO-BUKRA PORNOTRON - enjoyed this nerdly
  link that uses magic space age technology to
  recognise faces in photos and replace them with
  another image. Can someone hack it up to add
  burqas to pr0n stars? Cheers.
http://thelaughingman.net/

  * CONSERVAPEDIA HACKS - joederville asks,
  "Further to GodTube, why don't we all write
  bogus articles for Conservapedia?  I've already
  claimed that Simon Pegg is a Mormon and that a
  right-wing US journalist has been denounced as
  a witch in Cornwall." FYI: Conservapedia is
  Wikipedia-style site filled with creationism
  and nonsense of that ilk. And they're
  threatening court action to anyone behaving
  like this. Oops.
http://www.conservapedia.com/


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Top Tippery by mutster101. Blame
  giantrobot for the subject line. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Yays to b4ta. This
  weeks secret message is from Fraser Lewry who
  says, "Read this nice description of Slashdot
  users, which could be applied to many
  messageboards..."
http://snipurl.com/secretlink
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Windscreen Wipers not doing the job? Doesn't
  mean you need new ones. Clean all the grease
  off with vinegar, they'll be good as new. Stick
  that, Halfords.

next issue »
« previous issue