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NEWSLETTER: "PORKY JOEL SHOWS US HIS TROTTERS"

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This Week:
* VIDEO - Rathergood pork fight
* CHALLENGE - Make stuff with glue and scissors
* QUESTION - Your mental relatives

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  "We're drinking the free
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  booze at industry events"

B3ta spam 284 - 6 July 2007

Browsers are nicer than email clients
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue284/

           Oral:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Anal:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Tribute to the death of The Smilie 

  Animated emoticons are a bunch of cunts.
  Nothing in the world is more infuriating than
  when you arrive on a page and they suddenly
  start singing or talking at you from their
  fucking little banner. They nauseate us beyond
  reason, so weve murdered the little fuckers
  gruesomely to advertise our cool bit of
  software.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AA0wY4WFUPM


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Oh go on, spend some of your advertising
  budget with us. 
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  They've been making hay whilst the sun shines

  >> Pork fight <<
  Since giving up the cigs, Veitch has replaced
  his need for nicoteen with a daily intake of
  pork. He eats approximatly two pigs per month
  and we're rather worried about his health.
  However, what's bad for his heart is good for
  his comedy. Watch and wonder.
http://www.rathergood.com/pork_fight/


  >> The Great Internet Swear Project <<
  "The purpose of this site is to find out what
  the best swear word in the world is," informs
  morner. "I figured you manky lot would
  probably have a better idea of this than most,
  so here you go. You'll be presented with two
  swear words; simply click on the one you think
  is best." Possibly a teensy bit NSFW, but,
  hey, you already guessed that.
http://www.doyoukissyourmotherwiththatmouth.co.uk/


  >> Frankie Valli on LSD <<
  According to mutated monty, "I was
  commissioned to make this music video." We can
  only salute the fortitude of the music video
  people - this is alarming stuff. The wavy-hand
  trees. Extra-mouth Frankie. Brrr, man. Spooky.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Frankie_Valli_on_LSD


  >> The Abortionists <<
  Pulse-pounding comic-book action as an elite
  team of abortionists tackle the looming threat
  of a human reproducing. Nash Odyssey is a
  nasty, nasty man (or possibly woman).
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7361085


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Late

  Last week we wanted to know why you were late:
http://b3ta.com/questions/late/

  * YOU CNUT
    "I had been warned not to be late for work
    again so the next morning to prove a point I
    left the house an hour early. The traffic on
    the dual carriageway was crawling along, I
    couldn't understand it as it was never
    congested, especially at 7am, but I didn't
    worry as I had 2 hours to get to work. An
    hour and a half later and I was shitting
    myself, I had only moved a few miles and the
    clock was ticking. I phoned work on my
    mobile, it rings and rings and rings...
    finally it's picked up and it's only the
    bloody director! I start to explain who I am
    and the predicament Im in when I see what
    has been holding up traffic. A man was
    pushing his car up the dual carriageway, not
    to the side of the road but UP the sodding
    carriageway. My blood literally boiled, I
    was seething with rage at this moron who was
    about to cost me my job, so I wound down the
    window and screamed YOU STUPID FUCKING
    CUNT!!! as I drove past. At which point I
    realised that I still had my mobile firmly
    pressed to my ear and that I had just
    informed the company director that I was
    going to be late for work because he was a
    stupid fucking cunt." (Colonel Dracula)
     
  * THE BEANO BECOMES REALITY
    "I'm jealous of this one because, along with
    someone actually slipping on a discarded
    banana skin, it's something I've always
    wanted to see. My colleague was a bit late
    from his lunch break because he was so
    thrilled and couldn't stop laughing at what
    he'd seen. Apparently he came running into
    the office, quite flustered and exclaimed,
    "Sorry I'm late but you'll never guess what
    I've just seen... a dog running from a
    butchers shop with a string of sausages in
    it's mouth!" Marvellous." (abefroman)
     
  * FAKE DELAY
    "I drove a morning peak-hour train to Cannon
    Street some weeks ago - when we get there
    I'm due to 'change ends' and take the now
    empty train back to the depot. Walking back
    through the train, a young bloke asks me if
    I could do him a favour - could he sit in
    the carriage and phone his boss to tell him
    he's going to be late, while I make a PA
    announcement claiming the train was 'being
    delayed'. I nearly asked him if he was a
    fellow B3tan. (And yes, I did help him out -
    I go the extra mile for my commuters)"
    (coopsweb)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Who is your craziest relative? Are they really
  crazier than this lot?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crazyrelatives/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like, found via this new internet thing

  >> Foot/vagina sex toy <<
  Some people have a fetish about feet, they
  think feet are sexy. Not into that, but, hey,
  it takes all sorts. But this item is baffling.
http://www.stockroom.com/SiFeet-Pussy-Foot-P2958.aspx
 
 
  >> The Collected Writings of Peter Doherty <<
  Pete Doherty has written a book. Well, to be
  exact, he wrote 20 books and had them
  condensed down to one volume of "poems,
  drawings, personal reflections, lyrics and
  collages." That may or may not fill you with
  delight - check out the reviews for some nice
  backlash venom.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/075288591X/b3ta-21

  >> Cat shock! <<
  For thousands of years, cats have been feared
  and reviled as the very emissaries of Satan.
  Now you can relive those carefree days with a
  short ytmnd slideshow and soundtrack.
http://shockingcats.ytmnd.com/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Perky pufferfish
  
  This week we stretch the boundaries of
  cuteness with this rotund denizen of the coral
  reef. Aww, but look at his little face!
http://www.strangetravel.com/images/content/120863.jpg


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> 'Take on me' on hands <<
  Well here's something different: a bloke who
  plays tunes on his hands. At least, that's
  what he claims. But the windy noises and the
  way he shifts in his chair make it seem to us
  that he may be talking out of his hat. Here's
  his version of Take On Me - what do you reckon?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwxvOKuLUQ0


  >> Kitchen towel dispenser <<
  Truly a sign of the impending Apocalypse - a
  device that helps you to tear a sheet off a
  roll of kitchen towel. Can there really be a
  more pathetic waste of human ingenuity? You
  have to feel sorry for the proud inventors
  though, choosing YouTube to showcase their
  baby then having to weather a shitstorm of
  abuse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvVySarjwNU


  >> Hamster loves popcorn <<
  The teasing of this adorable little rodent
  would be bordering on animal cruelty, were it
  not for the fact that he seems to care for
  nothing in the world so much as the big chunk
  of popcorn he clutches rapturously in his tiny
  paws.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfqNXADl3kU


  >> Flooded up police <<
  Respect to Derbyshire police who, rather than
  remain aloof from the waterlogged plight of
  the British public, pitched right in. Yup,
  here's that clip of them driving straight into
  a small lake like a bunch of twats. Well done,
  lads.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvdpYgX4f7Q


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: 'FUNNY' NAME CORNER 
  And yes, we use the quotes to denote irony
  
  >> Bum equipment <<
  Was walking about in Taiwan," admits
  eroseboom, "and located the 'Bum Equipment'
  shop next to the 'Wanko' store." How very
  handy!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/eroseboom/136740982/


  > Racist Denmark <<
  Who knew that the home of Whigfield and Lego
  could be so casually racist about the humble
  cornershop?
http://www.singingbanana.com/personal/denmarkhatesdarkies.html


  >> Kumon Thailand <<
  What seems like an enticing invitation to
  tourists on this educational website. 
http://www.kumonthailand.com/


  >> Felchlin chocolate <<
  A posh brand of Swiss confectionary, spotted
  by Kersal Missive in a US sweet shop. "There's
  also a place called 'Felch Township' in
  Michigan," he wildly claims. Ewww.
http://www.felchlin.com/


  >> Epic Chinese menu pics <<
  We've featured Last Night A DJ Battered My
  Christ's Foodtube blog a number of times over
  the past months. He's currently taking time
  out from his culinary voyage of exploration
  but sent in these exquisite pics of a Beijing
  restaurant menu. The 'Fuck a tea tree
  mushroom' looks particularly delicious.
http://foodtube.livejournal.com/3241.html

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: T SHIRT OF THE WEEK 
  Home Taping Didn't Kill Music
  
  Denise, our own B3ta desiger, made new shirts
  this week. Home taping didn't kill music
  video didn't kill the radio star, but b3ta killed
  pretty much everything else...
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Gordon Brown Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to shop the new Prime
  Minister. 

  Your favourites included:
 
  * MONSTER - as featured in The Times, this
  image may return to haunt Mr Brown, scarring
  his leadership in the same way that David
  Steele's Spitting Image puppet hastened his
  political demise (Charles Hawtrey)

  * SITCOM - the laughter literally never stops
  at Number 10 (Charles Hawtrey again)

  * WHOOPEE - Gordon is very very excited indeed
  (Leningrad)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gordon_brown/


  >> New challenge: Glue & Scissors <<
  Switch off your PC and pick up your scissors,
  glue, pencils and felt tips. Add your
  favourite magazines, and create photoshoppery
  the good old-fashioned way! Challenge
  suggested by Dixon_Bawls. 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scissors/


  >> Oi! Pay attention! <<
  Want to set a challenge? Be like Dixon_Bawls:
  have an idea, put it on the board, get people
  to vote on it. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE


  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BLOKE WHO CLAIMS HE CAN LIVE ON FRUIT JUICE
  - B3ta's official scientist Ben Goldacre says,
  "can't Endemol just invite him on big brother
  and settle it for good?"
http://snipr.com/dailymailnazibollock

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  
  This issue was written by David Stevenson as
  Rob was too hungover to do anything useful.
  However Rob did select the links. Which was
  nice of him. Stuff sent in by dicastri, Bob,
  Grubbymitts, Saratron, Sara, hahn, redazril,
  AE, ram1us78, jim and jonnyellins. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  
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  SICKIPEDIA:

  Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8
  hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it
  had tax, insurance and the radio was still in
  it.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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