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NEWSLETTER: "300 NEWSLETTERS? IS THIS MADNESS? NO, THIS. IS. B3333333333333TA!"

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This Week:
* BOOK - Cooking with Pooh
* HALLOWEEN - Dalek pumpkin
* QUESTION MARKS - Used "inappropriately" 

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |                "We're  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       stealing little 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  girls... facelessly"

B3ta email 300 - Bootsy Collins Birthday, 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue300/

        Leopard:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
        Vista:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: LOVELY SPONSORED LINK
  Discoo T-shirts

  Bukkake Ruined My Carpet - our Bestselling Tee
  - try explaining that one to your Mum.  T-Shirt
  collections from Spunky, Junk Food, Ringspun
  and Ed Hardy.  Same Day London and Next Day UK
  Delivery at Discoo. 
http://www.discoo.co.uk/products_best_boy.php


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Your brand tattooed on our newsletter bum.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Old Men, Grey Men, Cubes and Cats

  >> Kitty McCanns <<
  Now just to say, we don't necessarily condone
  the views expressed in subtitle form by these
  conniving kittens. But on the evidence of this,
  Monty Propps is clearly demented and we're
  scared to offend him.
http://b3ta.com/links/Kitty_Gossip_as_seen_below_with_subtitles


  >> Grey Bloke tells a joke <<
  Madridiot's punchline-free animation series
  covers new ground by actually including a joke.
  Although, as usual, it's the deceptively bland,
  low-key monologue that makes it good.
http://b3ta.com/links/Grey_bloke_tells_a_joke


  >> Weebl, Bob and Cube <<
  Clearly Jonti's been spending some time playing
  Portal as Weebl and Bob frolic with some of the
  game's more iconic props.  
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/cube/


  >> Jim Oldman <<
  "Hey," greets allseeingjapseye. "I made a short
  film for my friend who does an audio podcast.
  He crank-calls the public in the character of
  'Jim Oldman'- yes, he is a baffled old man."
http://www.jimoldman.com


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Conned!

  Last week we wanted to know if you'd
  successfully conned someone or just been taken
  for a ride:
http://b3ta.com/questions/conned/
     
  * "When I was a mere 11 years old or so, I went
  to a local car-boot sale, and my mum gave me a
  quid to spend. With the words 'there are some
  things worth much more than that pound on sale
  here' echoing in my ears, I saw a kid watching
  his mum's stall. He didn't look bright. 'I'll
  buy that bit of paper off you for a pound.'
  'Um, ok.' 'Thanks.' *exchanges pound for the
  tenner* I didn't use any mind techniques, I
  just picked on a daft looking kid. And now,
  nearly 20 years on I still feel like a heel. My
  brother and I dined on cola bottles that
  afternoon." (Humpty Dumpty was Pushed)
     
  * "When I was younger I had an argument with my
  brother about a nasty smell that was lingering
  in the air. 'Wasn't me!' I said. 'Wasn't me
  either,' said my brother. 'Was too!' 'Was not.
  I can prove it. Smell my bottom.' I lent
  forward towards his bent over arse and inhaled
  deeply. At which point the complete bastard
  farted a wet sloppy one. I'll never fall for
  that one again. I was 27."(plant)

  * "I was conned by an old man in a cloak. Yeah,
  it turned out those were the droids I was
  looking for." (abefroman)

  If you are going to read just one story, read
  this one that's too long to put in the
  newsletter:
http://b3ta.com/questions/conned/post95200/

  >> This Week's Question <<
  What's the most expensive mistake you've ever
  made? Minus 500 points for "my marriage". 
http://b3ta.com/questions/expensivemistakes/


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: LINKY SPONSOR...LINKY SPONSOR...LINKY SPONSOR.. 
  Timeshift, it's a lovely, lovely game 

  Controlling time would be great. Sadly we don't
  know how, and we can't help you with the legal
  complications if you get arrested for pausing
  time and peeking at women as they get changed.
  We CAN tell you about the amazing new FPS from
  Sierra, though, called TimeShift -
 http://snipr.com/timeshiftgame


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Pumpkin Dalek <<
  Our local police force has virtually banned
  Halloween from a combination of fear of paedos
  and worries about kids menacing grannies. But
  life out of the inner-city slums is a more
  nostalgic affair, harking back to when geeks
  made their own entertainment by case-modding
  fruit into robots.
http://www.evilmadscientist.com/article.php/DalekPumpkin


  >> Kitsch firearms <<
  On pretty much every blog this week is this
  alarming and naff collection of guns decorated
  with kids' cartoons and rubbish celebs.
  Includes a Mother Teresa rocket launcher, Care
  Bear ammo jacket and a Lady Di Magnum. (Maybe
  her younger son could get one, and outdo his
  Nazi uniform stunt with a tasteless Dirty Harry
  gag?)
http://www.glamguns.com/mothat.html

  
  >> Hypno toy <<
  Back in pre-history days when we were wondering
  what b3ta should be about, a quickly rejected
  thought was a trippy stuff blog, logging a
  series of weird flash things that might look
  good after a smoke. Stuff like this:
http://mrdoob.com/lab/pv3d/dof/05/


  >> Family Fortunes <<
  "I was playing an online version of Family
  Fortunes the other day when this question came
  up..." writes Ehehanne. Blimey. Swirly Face Man
  would be proud.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v41/aleox/b3ta/untitled.jpg


  >> Inappropriate quotation marks <<
  A game we sometimes play whilst walking the
  streets of London is to place imaginary
  inverted commas around words on signs and see
  how it changes the meaning. A favourite
  recently is the shop Mary Shoes, or as we like
  to think of it "Mary" Shoes. This site is
  similar, but real.
http://quotation-marks.blogspot.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  Apparently Guy Ritchie's wife has been asked to
  star in a tutorial on putting videos in
  Facebook profiles. It's called "Embed with
  Madonna." 
 
  >> 'Glamorous' weather girls <<
  Purporting to be 'New Zealand's hottest weather
  forecast', the Weather Angels is an
  extraordinary swerve to the lowest common
  denominator by the meteorological industry.
  Mind you, we were still looking at their tits
  while being appalled.
http://snipurl.com/kiwibirds


  >> Wake up cat <<
  Cute animation of a little cat exhausting all
  his tricks to wake up his sleepy owner. We
  wouldn't put this behaviour past a cat -
  they'll stop at nothing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmwqpHsMExg


  >> I can be your Facebook stalker <<
  Plaintive plea to a hot girl on Facebook. Guess
  it's a relationship of a kind. Some nice
  touches of obsessional detail, like a route
  planner with exact times marked.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FahBBnfHAQ


  >> Even bastards become top blokes after death <<
  When people die their faults are quickly
  airbrushed over. Apparently, this song caused
  quite a stir when it broadcast in Australia.
  We're not sure which of the dead celebrity
  savagings would have kicked up the stink. Maybe
  it was Diana. Yeah.
http://snipurl.com/bigdownunder


  >> Oscilloscope demo <<
  Impressive graphics display from a bloke with
  an oscilloscope plugged into his PC. It's a
  low-tech phantasmagoria and we like to imagine
  the technical instrument salesman trotting out
  this beauty to wow his boffin customers.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Oscilloscope_demo


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Cooking with Pooh

  Wipe that shit-eating grin off your face, it's
  an innocent cookery book for kids.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1570822611/b3ta-20


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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
  I Love Horse
  
  José el Gorrion smirks - "I really like your 'I
  love Heroin' T-shirt, but here's a word of
  warning, when I was at Glastonbury a few years
  ago, I made a T-shirt with the slogan 'I Love
  Smack' and wandered around with it on. During
  the following 30 minutes of wearing it, I was
  threatened with death by deranged junkies on
  five separate occasions. They didn't appear to
  like the bane of their life being lightly
  mocked in sartorial form." Aha. But this week
  you should be ok with our 'I love Horse' shirt
  complete with a LloydsTSB Bank-style black
  stallion mainlining skag into an equine vein.  
http://www.iloveheroin.com


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Infidels Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see propaganda against
  the West.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CHART - either fiendishly clever double-speak
  or fundamentalist extremism - we're not too
  sure (londoner)

  * MEDIA - it's a rare b3ta image that makes
  poignant points regarding history, urban
  planning, sexism and the media, but here's one
  (clopinettes)

  * TREKKIE - revealing the tragic human story
  behind the terrible events of 9/11
  (Smallbrainfield)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/infidels/


  >> New challenge: Spoonerisms <<
  Is the Lord a loving shepherd or a shoving
  leopard? This week's challenge is to portray
  Spoonerisms, those cheeky plays on words in
  which consonants, vowels etc. are switched
  round to great amusement. Challenge suggested
  by The Hedgehog From Hell.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spoonerisms/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * KITTENWAR BOOK LAUNCH - Radio Five was at the
  glittering premier of Fraser and Tomsk's
  publishing magnum opus and here's the broadcast
  result. Also, brief chats with Joel, Rob and
  some lolcats guy. Good stuff.
http://b3ta.com/links/Radio_5_Live_at_the_Kittenwar_Book_Launch


  * CUPCHICKS AGAIN - as part of our perversely
  unceasing promotion of a site we didn't like
  and would advise you not look at. Slippydisco
  fell into the same trap and put 'urging you not
  to visit www.cupchicks.com. Just don't do it,
  ok? I'm scarred for life' as his Facebook
  status. "So the majority of my Facebook friends
  (school teachers, council workers etc.) decide
  to look," he reveals with some glee. "I
  received loads of emails questioning my sanity
  and sexual desires. Now my proper mates are
  fine about it but cautious around me and the
  'pretend' mates have blocked me and think I'm
  someone who gets off on shit eating, puking
  lezzas." Wethinks he doth protest too much.


  * MP3 SEARCH ON THE iPHONE - cr3ation has made
  a version of his awesome free mp3 searcher for
  the smug iPhone-owning set. Looks good.
  Although it is intended for the phone and your
  PC won't thank you for trying to use this
  version on it.
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/site/music-plus/iphone.php


  * WIQUOPEDIA - a couple of weeks ago we
  newslettered a suggestion that people might
  like to add tiny pictures of Status Quo to high
  resolution images on Wikipedia. A kind of
  not-shit "Where's Wally." This didn't go down
  too well with one Wikipedia editor who took it
  upon himself to savagely remove half the B3ta
  article, leaving some sentences incomplete and
  incompressible, and deleting the Rob Manuel
  entry. The reason given? "a website of
  questionable notability whose members have
  specifically targeted Wikipedia for
  hard-to-find vandalism." Despite this
  unpleasantness we're very pleased to report
  that other editors look a more thoughtful
  approach and restored the pages to their former
  glory. This makes us extremely happy, as
  despite our playful nature, we LOVE wikipedia,
  and our poking about is only the over-friendly
  love of a man who squeezes his kitten too hard.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * IF I DID IT - a book by Kate McCann.

  * NOODLESMAID - Stick a Pot Noodle in a
  Teasmaid. And Cock-a-noodle-doo! Fresh,
  delicious noodles in the morning, the perfect
  seven-day breakfast for the busy bachelor. 

  * A COMMUNITY ARTS THEATRE, in West London,
  named, wait for it, Lights! Camera! Acton!

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Black Books,
  Gerbilinafishtank, Glum Reaper, Matt Smith,
  Bigeyedeer, Saltygoodness and Ana. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Single quotes in
  double quotes to b4ta. ("''") Subject line from
  The Great Architect with that bloke, you know
  the one, yep, Scaryduck. Xing the Y from Glued
  Eel.

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  SICKIPEDIA:

  What is the difference between a cow and a
  tragedy? A scouser wouldn't know how to milk a
  cow.
http://www.sickipedia.org/tag/scousers

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