NEWSLETTER: "DID EVERYONE IN CHINA JUMP UP AND DOWN AT THE SAME TIME?"
This Week:
* BOOKS - Did they change YOUR life?
* BANANAS - Apparently they laugh
* FORKLIFTS - Everyone loves them. Maybe.
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Propaganda from a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| shadowy web elite"
B3ta email 328 - 16 May 2008
Wipe with tissue before use:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue328/
Tumblr: [email protected]
Facebook: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Creme Egg Twisted
Hot of the heels of Jonti's egg-based movie
pastiches comes his latest - a take on the
classic Frankenstein. Lovely chocolate. Mmm.
Chocolate.
http://tinyurl.com/6c6npx
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Forklift trucks, Pogo sticks and bananas
>> Birthday sendables <<
Your enterprising newsletter team continue
their cut-and-paste antics with a bunch of
virtual greetings card kind of things. Jibjab -
the fools - have paid literally pennies for us
to make this stuff. They are mind-blowingly
good. Well, we would say that, obviously. Make
your Ginger Fuhrer happy and check out the one
where he pretends to be a forklift truck, like
a Fingerbobs heavy plant hire.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2008/05/02/jibjab-sendabl...
>> Pogo stick mayhem <<
One of Butters brief tableaux pointing out the
fragility and preciousness of human life. This
time out it's pogoing. How long before bones
snap and blood splatters, eh?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pogo_Stick
>> The laughing banana <<
Not much to this, iceberg's debut vid, but it
has a certain je ne sais quoi. Perhaps that
would be the eponymous hysterical fruit.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Laughing_Banana
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Treasured possessions
Last week we asked what you owned that you'd
rescue from a fire:
http://b3ta.com/questions/treasuredpossessions/
Here's three that amused us, including what is
possibly the first ever true story from
frankspencer:
* ROLEX - "I lived for years out of a single
backpack and I believe there's nothing I could
lose that would kill me. Losing journals and
diaries would be a bit of a drag, but I'm a
believer in stoicism and accepting that
whatever gives you pleasure could be taken away
at any time. Pleasure must be something inside.
That said, who doesn't like shiny trinkets? Ten
years ago I bought a Rolex. Now, everyone knows
that this - along with a Porsche - is a prime
symbol of the tosser. But wait a minute. It
cost me around £2000, which was exactly the
amount in my bank account. I emptied the
account on a whim, and at the time I didn't own
a house or a car or anything more than I could
fit in a 75 litre backpack. I did it because
James Bond wore one in the early films. Still
got it, though none of my colleagues knows and
I don't advertise the fact. I'm pretty much a
failure in life - I'm 36 and have never earned
more than 20 grand. I still owe my entire
student loan from 13 years ago. But I wear a
Rolex. The contradiction amuses me greatly. One
day it'll be stolen and I won't be able to
afford a new one. C'est la vie." (frankspencer)
* THE DRINKING JACKET - "1 M&S suit jacket,
second-hand from charity shop, 20 second-hand
beer towels and 1 very patient Mrs Ousgg,
resulted in by far the only 'cool' item of
clothing I own. This modern-day harlequin's
coat is warm in winter and features a range of
beer-towels: there is no visible black jacket
left - the only uncovered area is underneath my
armpits, for reasons that involve me not having
to walk around like a Cyberman. The reason it
is my most treasured possession is the instant
credibility it seems to bring me in any sort of
drinking establishment. On the strength of one
23 quid home-made bit of kit, I have achieved
the following: At least twenty pints bought for
me by complete strangers. Instant (and often
free when applicable) access to any pub or club
in my home town. Preferential service at bars
packed three-deep (It's also quite handy for
order ales over deafening metal music, by
pointing to the relevant part of my jacket).
Impromptu invitations to join three different
stag nights. And three genuine offers of a
blow-job, which I felt sadly obligated to turn
down due to being engaged. Although, having
been married for a few months, I'm now more
open to persuasion..." (ousgg)
* BIT OF A DILEMMA - "The other half's cooking:
I don't treasure it, but I do regularly rescue
it from a fire." (Mime)
>> This Week's Question <<
Books that have changed your life. Talk to us
here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/books/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Ugly Dogs 2008 <<
Daytime TV producers! Magazine photographers!
Get your ass to California for this year's
World's Ugliest Dog competition. There's gold
in them thar dogs.
http://www.sonoma-marinfair.org/uglydogvote08.shtm...
>> Jaffa cakes helpline query <<
Our non-UK readers might need an introduction
to Jaffa cakes - they are sponge-based,
chocolate-topped snacks filled with (if Viz is
to believed) 'the collected earwax of the
McVities family.' And like almost all products
in the UK, there's a number printed on the side
of the box for cranks to call. This week the
mentals are Adam and Joe on some radio show of
uncertain vintage.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/More_helpline_prank_call...
>> Spongebob rectal thermometer <<
Speaking as parents, we understand the
difficulty in making kids do things that are
unpleasant but necessary. However, we probably
wouldn't have designed a Spongebob thermometer
that you stick up the kid's bum. To associate
these two things is just weird, and surely
could lead to kids sticking other toys up their
arse? BAN THIS DANGEROUS FILTH NOW. Or just
giggle at it.
http://snipurl.com/really-bad-idea
>> Boomtish web meme <<
Couple of sites doing the rounds this week from
the 'ronseal does what it says on the tin'
school. Classic comedy sound effect plus
descriptive URL. We considered adding a third
to this collection with 'a shave and a hair
cut, two bit' but got bored looking for a
suitable URL.
http://www.sadtrombone.com/
http://www.instantrimshot.com/
>> Test your wife! <<
In the good old days, wives were rated on their
domesticity. See how you, or your wife, would
score. And if she scores badly then sack her!
Now, WHERE'S OUR FUCKING DINNER?
http://flickr.com/photos/tiabla/sets/7215760504720...
>> George W Bush in advertising <<
Interesting examination of the way in which
Dubya gets portrayed by the advertisers of
different nations - totally a reflection of the
way he's perceived.
http://snipurl.com/cunty-face
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: BONUS SPONSORED LINKY
Stuffing envelopes - world record attempt
"Licked, stuffed and stamped – no, we're not
talking about Gordon Brown. Get your probing
fingers on our sticky flaps and you could win a
trip to Washington!"
http://riamex.notlong.com
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Why are web videos like Graham Coxon?
They're both short and blurry.*
>> Everyday Transformers <<
If Transformers had really wanted to blend in,
this is what they'd have chosen. Fag packets
and johnnies turn into evil robots and fight it
out!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Transformers:3
>> Warm ice <<
Some sort of freaky science turns water into
ice at room temperature. Extraordinary,
although somewhat alarming to readers of Kurt
Vonnegut.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/187082
>> Shampoo ads for men <<
Those incredibly annoying commercials equating
hair washing with sex - remade with a man. The
performance really lifts an idea that, on
paper, seems a little meh.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Herbal_Elements
>> Newsreader flipout dance <<
Hard-hitting remix of news anchor Bill O'Reilly
going mental on Inside Edition. "Fucking thing
sucks!" BTW: We had no idea who he was before
this old footage came up. But he's an angry man.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> Greedy hamster <<
How much food can a hamster fit into its
cheeks? You'd be surprised, as this vid
demonstrates. Worth sticking around to the end
for the whole thing reversed very quickly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Greedy_Hamster
>> Powder farts <<
B3ta's continual research in the area of toilet
humour has unearthed a massive cult on youtube
of people videoing their own spectacular
farting. This one is pretty good, we also
enjoyed the banter as the pressure mounts.
http://youtube.com/results
>> Focus groups suck <<
Clever, funny advertising from Shreddies in (we
think) Canada. A spoof campaign for a 'new'
shape of the cereal meets a bemused focus group.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
** Graham Coxon is 5'11", but fuck it, we made
a joke and we're not letting facts get in the
way.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Three-way photo fun
* SPUNKY BAKER - "Saw this bakery in Seven
Kings, Ilford, Essex. Somehow I wasn't really
encouraged to go in and buy something." (carolt)
http://www.b3tards.com/u/a91410477068c22474f3/imag...
* COCK SEX SCIENCE - "Wonderful scientific
paper - who'd ever have imagined
{trans-1,4-Bis[(4-pyridyl)ethenyl]benzene}(2,2'
-bipyridine)ruthenium(II) Complexes and Their
Supramolecular Assemblies with -Cyclodextrin
would look so amusing?" (concurrency.co.uk)
http://dx.doi.org/10.1021/ic0352250
* MORE SEMENY LOLS - "I was buying some bits
for my bike the other day when I spotted this
finely named product on the shelf." (evilmango)
http://www.deb.co.uk/ukswarfega/product.aspx
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Supergroups Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to create
supergroups. Partly because we remembered an
old Hale & Pace gag with the punchline, "Chris
Straits"
Your favourites included:
* MUGABABES - sultry pop songbirds duet with
African despot (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8352212
* GUNS 'N QUOSES - rock's dream team: Slash
Parfitt and Axel Rossi (Barbarossa)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8353201
* NIRVANA SPLITS - in other news: Kurt Cobain
still dead (dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8354212
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/supergroups/
>> New challenge: Celebrity Mutants <<
We love celebrities. And we love mutants. So
make some celebrity mutants. Or some mutant
celebrities. Simple. Challenge suggested by The
Neville.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_mutants//
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TARD WINS BIG PRIZE - board regular
sundae_girl came first in a compo by Clipstar
and won $10,000. Blimey. Well done to her!
Shows what we know, eh?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thanks_folks
* "THE WORST THING that has happened to me EVER
is listening to Jonathan King's song about
bummy sex from last week's newsletter, and
finding myself bumping into work colleagues
whilst singing 'There's nothing wrong with
buggering boys' to myself," confesses Freddy
Woo. "I am now undertaking an extensive course
to Toni Basil's 'Mickey' to reset my internal
jukebox."
* AIR PUMP ARSE - "With regard to the video of
the guy pumping air up his arse with the
intention of some major fartacious action,"
puffs Davideo. "I used to work at a horrible
mill in Horwich, and in there was an air line
to blow all the airborne fibre and fluff of
stuff if required, but not people.
"I couldn't understand the danger and would
blast the odd passing co-worker, until finally
warned that I would be out the door if I
persisted with this reckless and dangerous
activity.
"Why? I demanded. Apparently some guys had
grabbed a husband-to-be on his last 'unwed'
Friday and shoved the airline up his arse and
gave him a quick 'surge'. He later died of the
bends.
"Ace or what? But not ace!"
"An air embolism is more likely to be a problem
if he has piles or has cut himself shoving
things up there," snorts Mrs Trellis,
informatively.
* FROZEN SPUNK - "To answer Agent Muu's
question in the last newsletter," chatters Peb,
"spunk freezes at -0.609 deg C." He refuses to
elaborate.
* 230 MILES OF LOVE - "Your legendary media
sway has been proved once again," beams
'sat-com' inventor Ajshanahan, "ITV Cumbria
have been in touch about filming a short piece
on it. I've said yes but asked for a rider and
they're considering it." Yay! Wait, he wants
what?
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: FRIDAY GAME
Human brain cloud
Type the first word or phrase that comes to
mind to contribute to huge word association
clouds. Score points by guessing the same as
many people have before. Or simply sit, typing
random words for hours with no clear idea why,
as the effect is kind of hypnotic.
http://humanbraincloud.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SNAIL LIGHTS - Ghoti Fingers requests, "How
about putting small candles (tealights) on the
back of snails as interestingly mobile lights
at dinner parties. Or film them using
long-exposure photography like those crappy
car-light photos you don't see any more. You
can track where they go in your garden."
* FINGER OF FUDGE TOASTED SANDWICH - laughing
about what a friend of B3ta might eat when no
one is looking, we reckon it might be white
bread, 4 fudge chocolate bars, covered in
butter and stuffed into a Breville. Served with
ice-cream. Can someone cook this for us, we
reckon it could be kind of awesome.
* GRUDGEBOOK - "didn't do washing up after
dinner", "cancelled plans to go out at the last
minute" or even the dullest, "said they'd phone
and they didn't". Web 2.0 stylee, so that
everyone can read everyone's grudges about
everyone. Should cause a few passive aggressive
lols.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jesus.christ,
Spundlemoon, Jd. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. You DO NOT WANT TO CLICK THIS LINK:
http://tinyurl.com/2muzzq YEAH to b4ta.
Subjlols via SkUG.co.uk
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TOP TIP:
Junk mail - "I fitted the business-end of an
office shredder to my letterbox and I've not
had to pay a single utility or credit card bill
since." (Maudlin McCann)
Stick your tips here, bollocks or otherwise:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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SICKIPEDIA:
I feel that I was unjustly sacked from my job
yesterday. My boss felt that having sex with
the clients wasn't "appropriate" so he fired
me. That's the last time I work for an
undertaker.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
