NEWSLETTER: "GUEST-WRITTEN BY DR RAJ PERSAUD"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Who's younger?
* JINGLE - It's Rainham Sheds!
* OLD PEOPLE - And their bloody useless advice
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Half number of the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | beast - ooh scary"
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B3ta email 333 - 20 Jun 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue333/
Cloven hoof: [email protected]
Regular hoof: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Playstation character compo
Getting a job as a game designer proving
tricky? Don't Panic want you to create a
character for the upcoming Playstation 3 game
LittleBigPlanet. The winning entry gets massive
exposure and a glowing sense of pride (plus a
copy of the game and a PS3). Entries to
http://www.dontpaniconline.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Quizzes, Graphs and generally very sexy things
>> Who's Younger? <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer has recently been looking at
the lines on his face and the grey in his once
luxuriant-red mane and wondering where his
youth has gone. And in a vain attempt to make
himself feel better he's turned his pain into a
quiz. "Complete horse shit, I don't look a day
over 25," writes the nazi titian, "And writing
lies about myself in the third person is just
weird."
http://www.whosyounger.com/
>> IMDB film length project <<
Last week we asked you to bash up a quick data
analysis to find out if films were getting
shorter or longer. Short answer? They're
getting longer. Long answer, then get clicky.
Thanks Mr infinitypoint0.
http://www.infinitypoint0.com/60/imdb-film-length-...
>> Beginner's Guide to HDR <<
"Nowhere near as b3taesque as last week's Munchy
Box review," blithers jaredearle, "but here's
my absolute beginner's guide to HDR
Photography." Woo hoo! We really really need to
get off our arses and try this out. Bracketing,
posh cameras, must do this.
http://blog.23x.net/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Accidental Innuendo
Last week we asked if you'd turned an innocent
conversation into filth. Seems quite a lot of
you are incapable of doing otherwise:
http://b3ta.com/questions/innuendo/
* FOXHUNTING? - "We'd met online, but our first
face-to-face meeting was at the Ritzy bar in
Brixton. I couldn't think of much to say, so I
was thinking "topical, topical, what's
topical?" - then I hit on what I naively
thought was neutral territory - bloodsports!
That same day outside my workplace the pro-
bloodsports Countryside Alliance had been
noisily demonstrating so I hit upon the idea of
asking, "What do you think about foxhunting?"
She looked a bit startled, looked at her shoes,
paused then said "Erm. It's not my favourite
thing or anything... um... but it has been
known... yeah, I do it." I'm a bit shocked,
there's previously been no mention of vulpine
extermination in her social CV, no mention that
at weekends she is one of the 'unspeakable in
pursuit of the uneatable.' I paused, somewhat
taken aback. She paused too. "Did you say
foxhunting?" "Yes" "Oh, I thought you said
cocksucking." (Wascally Weasel)
* FRIEND TO THE GAYS - "A gay couple who are
dear friends of ours were over for dinner when
the conversation drifted round to 'opposites
attract'. According to my wife, one
illustration of this phenomenon is that in
every happy couple there is always an organised
and tidy one (her) and a more spontaneous, less
organised one (me). It helps if one partner is
more obsessed with tidiness than the other,
right? Nods of recognition all round from me
and the gay chaps. "So," she asks brightly,
"which one of you two is the anal one?"
(Thomas_The_Spankengine)
* SORE BUM - "I was about 3, on the bus to
Oxleas Wood. Apparently, in those days I didn't
always wipe my arse properly and as such used
to get bad nappy-rash. So there we are, sat on
the top deck with a big rasta guy sat behind
us, when I pipe up with, "Daddy, I don't want
to go into the woods, my bottom hurts!"
Everyone stared at him." (Half of Stephen Fry's
right buttock)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like the useful advice old people have
given you. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplespeaktruths/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Best jingle ever? <<
It's Rainham Sheds! Hallelujah, it's Rainham
Sheds! Need we say more?
http://www.rainhamsheds.co.uk/
>> Read at work <<
Initially confused us, but a clever idea. Read
literary classics while the boss thinks you're
hard at work - they're formatted to look like
you're slogging through a spreadsheet or
powerpoint presentation. If only someone would
do something like this for porn we'd be made up.
http://www.readatwork.com/
>> Sorry I missed your party <<
Snarky comments abound on this blog culled from
other people's party pics culled from Flickr.
Other people really look like losers when
they're having fun.
http://sorryimissedyourparty.com/
>> Expensive cable reviews <<
It just has to be some sort of computer error.
Surely nobody buys $500 cables for their
stereo. Anyway, tons and tons of reviews
extolling the connector's many wondrous
qualities. Interestingly, amazon's tag system
rates it as considerably more immoral than The
World of Dog Fighting.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000I1X6PM/b3ta-2...
>> Startling tornado photo <<
Supposedly, the photographer looked out of her
window and caught sight of this bearing down on
the house. She snapped this shot then ran for
cover. It begs the question of whether there
are better pics out their whose authors didn't
start running in time...
http://snipurl.com/dropthecameraandrun [gizmodo_com]
>> Scientists do the funniest research <<
This scientist simply stuck his cock into a
foam cup a number of times, to see whether a
foreskin has any effect on how hard he has to
push. Sheesh.
http://www.cirp.org/library/anatomy/taves1/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Naked sea snails!
No really, just look at this happy little
highly-toxic fellow! Just don't eat him.
http://cache.io9.com/assets/resources/2008/05/sill...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Printing out jpegs and flicking them really fast
>> Dance the Yes <<
An odyssey in camp, as two gentlemen on stage
teach you how to dance the Yes. Our favourite
bit? "Let's do the fork in the garbage
disposal! Ding ding ding ding-ding ding ding!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Star Wars Strictly Come Dancing <<
Good lord. Dance-off between major Star Wars
characters. Not entirely sure why we like this
so much. Maybe it's laughing at Star Wars
nerds. More likely because it's just fucking
great.
http://b3ta.com/links/Nerds_Star_Wars_Strictly_Com...
>> Ants eat gecko <<
Tiny ants rapidly gobble up a dead liizard,
then scarper with the larger bits for parts
unknown. The video-maker says this is filmed in
his kitchen. Insects that voracious would
probably save a ton of washing up - plates
picked clean!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Fat cat does aerobics <<
Hard to say what this peculiar Japanese ad is
trying to sell with a ridiculously obese cat
character attempting strenuous exercise. Very
cute though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Polite driver <<
Rally driver ploughs off the road on a corner,
narrowly missing killing the spectators. Still,
at least he pauses to make things right...
http://snipurl.com/brrrmbrrrm [www_break_com]
>> Robot band <<
We didn't stand up when they took all the
factory jobs - now look what's happened. Band
from New Zealand entirely comprised of
non-humanoid robots. we suspect, however, that
they don't write all their own material.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Double entry, double the pun
* COCKS - Lighthouse on the rocks? Or cock and
balls? It's a sticky question.
http://snipurl.com/suck-it-and-see [www_joeydevilla_com]
* PUNS - Not just 10, not just 20 but a full
top 50 of the best so-clever shop titles. As
you might expect, a fair number of hairdressers
in there, although we liked the Lord of the
Fries cafe.
http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/06/06/the-50-best-...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Cooking with Beta Challenge
Last week we wanted you to cook.
Your favourites included:
* CHICKEN CAKE - does exactly what it says on
the tin (Paolo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8457681
* CRISPS - not really cooking, but old-skool
gaming brought to life through the package of
potato snackage (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8467201
* MEME CREME - classic b3ta meme re-enacted
using marzipan, icing, and lots of food
colouring (Bobby Bob Bob)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8465913
All this food, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cooking/
>> New challenge: 2012 Olympic Mascot <<
The BBC are asking people to design a
mascot for the London Olympics. We think
you can do better. Who or what would best
represent Britain to the world? Challenge
suggested by The Coast of Yemen.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascot/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WEIRD GOOGLE ADS - "Regarding the latest
newsletter, this dodgy paedophile advert came
up on one my websites recently" writes
mrtinybrain. Um, we actually know what this is
about, so sit down and get a dull science and
marketing lesson kids. Ebay have an affiliate
scheme that earns money for third parties, the
trick is to get someone to click on an ebay
link then a few pennies of any transaction made
in the next few days goes to the site who
created the link. Hence people use all sorts of
odd bits of text - much of it computer
generated to get your attention. This is why -
for example - we sometimes see "Buy Buffy's
Swearing Keyboard now!!!" on the B3ta google
ads. Not our fault we promise you.
http://mrtinybrain.com/age14.PNG
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: FRIDAY GAME
Puzzlefarter
We've always theorised that Marry Poppins
powered her upwards flight by guffing under her
starchy skirts, but it never occurred to us that
this would be a great idea for a game. Fools
that we are. BTW: Press the up key twice,
you'll get the hang of it.
http://puzzlefarter.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* INTERNET VS GRANDMASTER CHESS - everyone in
the world gets to click on the chess board and
vote where the piece goes next. Would the
internet beat Garry Kasparov? What about in a
wanking competition?
* WHY REAL MEN SHOULDN'T WEAR LYCRA - we did 10
mins research on this and it all got too gay
porny for us.
* AMAZON RANK WIDGET - when our lovely sick
joke book was published we used to obsessively
check the sales rank. What would be lovely -
for booky types, would be a widget that peeps
could embed into their blogs/facebooks that
drew lovely graphs. Ooh - what is the sales rank
then? An excuse to link to our book you say?
Absolutely.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190554828...
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Kundalini, c_kick,
satan's magic jumper, insert username here, jim
herbert, Flamo, Cam, SockCooker, loogie, Ana,
kitch, yank meoff. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols by Thor_sonofodin.
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TOP TIP:
"Window cleaners at traffic lights - I've
tried this in France and the UK and it works:
if you oddly don't want your car windscreen
'washed' by those twits that hang around at
traffic lights, just say in a loud voice 'It's
not my car'. Works every time." (le chat qui
pue)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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SICKIPEDIA:
One
How many psychics does it take to change a
lightbulb?
http://www.sickipedia.org/
