NEWSLETTER: "WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF A SNAKE WAS LIKE A CUDDLY SCARF?"
This Week:
* SCIENCE - Chocolate teapot tested
* HAWKING - Speaks! For you!
* FUNNY NAME CORNER - Bigger than ever. Hooray!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're still touching
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cloth... together"
B3ta email 344 - 4 Sept 2008
Wear this issue with your trousers:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue344/
AZT: [email protected]
HRT: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
We love a good dongle.
If you do too, and can draw/illustrate/design
or use Paint, then please send us a poster
somehow inspired by or vaguely related to 3's
new mobile broadband USB device. The best one
will get £500 and be printed alongside work by
Ben UFO, Sophie Kern, and Steven Wilson.
http://tinyurl.com/57gvob
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Choco-Tea, Hawking, Hot Tamale and My Car
>> Chocolate teapot <<
"We decided to test out how useful a chocolate
teapot could be," explains TheAlmightyBeev,
embarking on a mighty bout of kitchen science.
It depends very much on whether you like your
tea completely ruined with chocolate, of
course. But the results may surprise you.
http://snipurl.com/friends_of_goldacre
>> Hawking lecture <<
Do stick with this, as Professor Stephen
Hawking pauses a while before addressing a
packed conference room. Thanks to masakatsu
for this exclusive footage.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hawking_Lecture
>> Hot tamale <<
You like tamale? We like tamale. Well, to be
honest, we had to go to Wikipedia to actually
check what a tamale is. And you know what?
Someone had already linked from there to this
lovely song by Jonti. That's how definitive
his work is.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Tamale/
>> My Car <<
Veitchmaster Joel zooms around the countryside
in a Mini, dodging mariachis and belting out a
jaunty tune. Then events take a slightly
darker turn... Particularly liked the footage
of Joel jerkily 'flying' around.
http://www.rathergood.com/my_car/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Will you go out with me?
Last week we wanted to know how you'd managed
to get the love of your life to go out with
you or, failing that, how badly you'd been
turned down. Rather than ruin the lovely
stories you contributed by editing them down,
instead we encourage you to go read them here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gooutwithme/
For you plain-text newslettery types,
Apeloverage went to town with the Tim
Vine-style puns this week. Here's his finest
moments:
* "They call me the record collector, because
I've got 12 inches, and I'm single."
* "Do you come here often? Or do you wait
until you get home?"
* We met at the adoption agency... I said "do
you come here orphan?"
* She had cataracts... Eventually she said she
couldn't see me any more.
* She said I treated her like an idiot. I said
"I just wanted to make you feel special."
* We met at the leper colony... but we split
up.
* "I subscribed to your bloody porn site, and
spent six months tracking you down - YOU OWE
ME!" I'm still single - women eh?
>> This Week's Question <<
Customers are always right? Bollocks they are.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/customersfromhell/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Kermit Bale <<
What do Christian Bale and Kermit the Frog
have in common? Both feature in this epic post
that caused one commenter to state, "I'm happy
people have too much time on their hands,
otherwise the internets would not be lulz
filled."
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/273...
>> Big crappy city <<
Props to the goons on Something Awful, who
have taken time off from killing kittens to
build a city. Yep, one of those isometric
pixel art things. This wins by being less
namby-pamby than most attempts in this area.
http://www.gooncity.com/
>> Lego'd video games <<
Neat and obvious idea here - recreate old
video games in Lego. This Flickr group can
only grow and grow. (BTW: It's missing the
easier entries like Pong and Snake for some
reason. Guess they were too easy.)
http://snipurl.com/geeks_bricking_it [www_flickr_com]
>> Peculiar Polish film posters <<
Unlike food writer Giles Coren, whose recent
"fuck the Poles" outburst has alarmed B3ta
Towers, we're decidedly pro-Polish here. And
what better way to celebrate their
contribution to making the world smile than
these wonderful, inspirational posters for
Hollywood movies.
http://snipurl.com/needs_polish [wellmedicated_com]
>> Google Chrome mockery <<
We've been hoo to the ha this week with
excitement at the news that Google have
produced their own browser. Well, we would be
more excited but they haven't made a version
for our gay designery Macs so we haven't seen
it yet. But the PC-using geeks at TheReg have
been mocking up paranoid
allyourgooglebelongtous stuff from the
accompanying comic Google brought out. BTW:
The artist is Scott McCloud and we'd recommend
his Understanding Comics book to ANYONE.
http://snipurl.com/chromey_lols [www_theregister_co_uk]
>> Great shirt, great reviews <<
Real men wear Wolf Shirts - read the comments.
READ THEM NOW.
http://www.birkoph.com/Wolf_tshirt.htm
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Flying kitten
Funny, little baby cat is channelling the
power of Satan to hover in the corner of a
room, looking adorable. Feed him souls!
http://snipurl.com/donotlookintohiseyes
[www_fotothing_com]
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Cinema is now 2inches wide!
>> Film classics - with gremlins! <<
Your favourite films but with digitally-added
gremlins in well-chosen scenes. Raiders of the
Lost Ark is particularly improved.
http://snipurl.com/withaddedgremlins [www_b3ta_com]
>> Ape vs. owl <<
Hard to imagine a TV concept riper for fuckup
than "let's make a wildlife show co-presented
by an excitable chimp!" The ape doesn't
disappoint, being startled into action by an
unfortunate owl.
http://snipurl.com/owlmonkeyrage [www_b3ta_com]
>> Parachute fail-cam <<
This gave us the fucking fear. Hand-held
camera footage from a basejumper whose
parachute didn't open. Basically, he plummeted
down several hundred feet, yelling in terror.
Fortunately got away with just a broken leg.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7596528.st...
>> Wassup Holmes <<
The Great Detective and amanuensis Watson take
on a hip hop Hound of the Baskervilles.
Ripping yarn and a great addition to the whole
'zomg look at those white guys rap' genre.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wassup_Holmes
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Fucking hell, bigger than ever
* DICK BUSCH ARCHITECTS - double win, a
phallic logo and a rude name. Almost too rich
for our palate.
http://www.dickbuscharchitects.com/team.htm
* HANNAH MONTANA COCK CANDY - now we know why
Miley Cyrus has such a husky voice: Catholic
girls' mouthwash.
http://i38.tinypic.com/142ykxt.jpg
* SWOLLEN BELL-END - another entry for the
endless desire for penises on the company
stationery.
http://www.bestcompaniesguide.co.uk/about_us.aspx
* INAPPROPRIATE CAPTION - naughty BBC!
Sticking "The family were last seen at a
barbecue on Monday last week" on a story where
they were all burnt to death is not what we
pay our license fee for.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/shropshire/7594...
* POWERFUL CUNT! - "I have the unfortunate
pleasure of working for Poundland in
Wolverhampton," moans Popidge, "and came
across this in our toy section the other day.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say the
yellow writing partly obscuring the 'G' and
the stylised picture of a gun were placed
there on purpose."
http://xs130.xs.to/xs130/08356/dsc00642784.jpg
* WHY COPY PROOFING IS A GOOD IDEA - hint:
Check out the Windows tabs of the developer's
screenshot.
http://www.orangelabel.com/icons.htm
* WELSH 419 SCAM - we got the oddest bit of
spam today, instead of the usual Nigerian
demands for money, we got one from Wales, that
well-known Third World nation. "LETTER FROM
LOLLY STEVENS. MAY I APOLOGISE FOR INTRUDING
INTO YOUR PRIVACY. MY NAME IS LOLLY STEVENS A
CITIZEN OF WALES PRESENTLY IN ENGLAND. MY
FAMILY AND I ARE HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING OUR
FAMILY FUNDS(TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS) OUT OF A
SECURITY COMPANY IN HOLLAND, SINCE THE DEATH
OF MY FATHER. WE NEED YOUR HELP TO ASSIST US
AND YOU WILL HAVE A SHARE OF SEVEN MILLION
DOLLARS , BUT SINCE WE HAVE NOT MET BEFORE, I
DECIDED TO SEEK FOR YOUR PERMISSION BEFORE
GIVING YOU THE DETAILS. IF YOU WILL BE SO KIND
ENOUGH TO GRANT ME THE PERMISSION, I WILL BE
GLAD TO GIVE YOU THE DETAILS.THANK YOU FOR
YOUR TIME AND I WILL BE WAITING FOR YOUR
RESPONSE." (BTW: Hope this gets through the
spam filters, we're such idiots for actually
running spam.)
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Mousetrap Challenge
Last week we wanted you to design a
modern mousetrap.
Your favourites included:
* PATENT PENDING - not just a killing machine,
but a work of serious art (ManekiNeko)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8699636
* CHEESE PHYSICS - like the above, but with
added science (Panjandrum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8698173
* STINGER - police brutality knows literally
no bounds (Bloop)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8690822
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mousetrap/
>> New challenge: Extending Film Scenes <<
This week, we challenge you to extend famous
film scenes: NOT film posters, but actual
scenes. Show what is happening out of shot or
in the next room. Challenge suggested by
masterconnor.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmscenes/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MZUNGU RACISM LOLS - Dr Nick writes, "I've
spent a lot of time working in Africa, so I
read with interest in the newsletter about
Joel's dad's Mzungu T shirt. Mzungu is
something that gets shouted at me quite a lot
whilst I'm in Uganda, Tanzania, and other
crazy African countries. It means 'Pasty white
person'. Sort of like a reverse 'n-word'." Heh
- weirdly this makes Joel's song a comment on
colonial oppression. Right on Veitch!
* PAUL CARR 'THE BOOK' - best known as the
bloke behind the Friday Thing newsletter and
the publisher of our joke book, has written
his memoirs. It's Nathan Barley meets Alan
Partridge and we loved it. Especially when we
realised we could google about and find his
ex-girlfriend's blog via the page history bit
of Wikipedia.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/029785545...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Oh fuck, we didn't back up
Continuation of our E4 "build a game" project,
and being complete idiots we've ballsed it all
up with a hard disk crash. All the data is
lost.
http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-06.html
Thankfully E4 are being nice about it, and
promise not to set fire to our house if we
give their compo a few more plugs. OK - here
we go. Listen up kids! Make a flash game -
there's £5k on the table and your Ginger
Fuhrer is one of the judges.
http://www.e4.com/joystick/enter.html
But on a more playful note - this game, sent
in by Rhodri, is excellent. He writes, "I
can't stop. It's killing me."
http://puzzles.com.br/puzzle/totem-destroyer/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DEEP FAT FRYER LOLS - can you cook a creme
egg? Or a Ginster's cheese slice? More
importantly, can you eat it without vomiting?
* USB RADIO - what a rubbish thing this would
be! We're looking round the room and reckon
the 5V you get from a USB cable would be
enough to power our radio. Goodbye wireless -
welcome future. BTW: Does Wired magazine now
feel a bit passe? Shouldn't they rename
themselves Wiredless? Or Lulz 2.0?
* TOO MANY COCKS SPOIL THE BREATH? Is this
true? Can someone test this for us? Job done!
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by iowaseven,
JugglerJAF, jamie33lee, applehead,
davetheexplosivenewt, lidlfukinkev,
clumsyeloquence, kapitan sparky, and not
forgetting the lovely tlsh_uk. If you notice
this bit of text then you have AIDS. Top
Tippery by Jeru. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Subjlol via Mighty
Nibus. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. WOO to
b4ta. (YAY)
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TOP TIP:
The other day a lettuce told me to avoid doing
stand up in Workingmen's Clubs. I don't know
if I'd listen to him though, it's just the tip
of the iceberg.
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SICKIPEDIA:
How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up
her sleeve.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
