NEWSLETTER: "SPINNING ORIENTAL PEOPLE ROUND AND MAKING THEM DISORIENTATED"
This Week:
* ART - Your piss-poor recreations
* COMMON PEOPLE - Your opinion matters
* HEADLINES - Made you look, made you stare
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're shaving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| plebs... together"
B3ta email £3.50 - 17 Oct 2008
Available on AOL via keyword "twats"
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue350/
Winners: [email protected]
Sinners: [email protected]
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: BREAKING NEWS
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Comics, Clay, Catchphrases and Soup
>> Miso <<
Joel hungers for noodles and is ultra-pleased
with this, arguably the lamest joke you can
make about a Japanese restaurant in North-East
London. You'll groan too.
http://rathergood.com/miso/
>> Recession comix <<
Ben Wheatley's been jotting down depressing,
little, misanthropic thoughts and has made a
comic out of them. We particularly liked 'Stone
Cold Killa'.
http://snurl.com/wheatley [issuu_com]
>> Jib Jab claymation <<
The latest batch of singing, dancing stuff from
Rob and Dave is online. We're particularly
pleased with this lot, as we experimented with
claymation and it came out nicer than we'd
hoped. Check out Snowman or Stupid Clients
(which is a thinly-disguised plasticine Rob).
http://www.robmanuel.com/2008/10/16/more-jibjab/
>> "Get in the Back of the Van!" <<
Swedemason has made a new vid. "It's just that
bit from Withnail & I looped a bit," he
confesses, "But seems to have some strange
power. Have a look when you get a sec."
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Spoilt little brats
Last week we wanted to know how your life had
been ruined by whiny, spoilt little brats:
http://b3ta.com/questions/spoiltbrats/
We've left out the story of the kid who crushed
two kittens rather than let someone else have
them to bring you these:
* VICTORIA - "was studying classics but found
studying at university to be 'trying'.
Highlights of her stay included: * adding a
pizza to our order and then refusing to pay for
it because she 'only had a little pizza and we
could sort it out'; * refusing to pay for
fairly-split gas and electricity bills as 'she
didn't use any' (switching off her radiator and
disconnecting her room from the electricity
soon got results); * trying to get us to agree
to have one of her horses in the back garden,
living out of a trailer. We said no but she had
the horse brought down anyway. She soon had him
taken back to her stables when we called the
RSPCA to come and inspect our property and they
threatened to prosecute her. In the end we
kicked her out. Then we had a party. Then we
were sick. Then we went to McDonalds. Then we
were sick again." (powervator)
* OLIVIA - "We had a huge turn over of trainee
accountants at a previous job. The partners
employed trainees less on their potential to
become accountants and rather more on the
ability of their tits to defy gravity. I
suggested I ask some technical questions at the
next interview. Olivia. She was absolutely
stunning and the partners were dribbling down
their ties at the sight of her. Even though her
CV read like a list of the world's most
pointless subjects the interview lasted an hour
longer than any of the other candidates. She'd
been head girl at school, captain of the hockey
team, had a pony and had completed a WHOLE week
of work experience at Daddy’s company. We heard
a lot about Daddy and his company. Then it was
my turn to ask my technical questions. Let's
see if you can answer them, but be warned, they
are a bit technical: 'Hello Olivia.' *Eyelashes
flutter* 'How did you get here today?' 'Umm,
Daddy gave me a lift.' 'How will you be getting
home?' 'Daddy is waiting for me outside' 'If we
were to offer you the role, how would you get
to work every day?' 'I... I don’t know.' The
moronic fuckers still wanted to hire her,
saying that she seemed keen. I managed to
convince them that the 18-year-old lad with
A-Levels in accountancy & law might just be a
more suitable candidate. He had also passed my
technical questions with flying colours, having
driven to the park and ride and caught the bus
into town, all without the aid of his Daddy."
(Colonel Dracula)
* GOLDEN SHOWER - "On holiday in Germany, we
had nipped into the local supermarket for
sausages. As we waited patiently in the queue,
in the next aisle a guy in his late 20s was
getting quite visibly irritated. Why? Behind
him was a Uber Brat. Uber Brat had decided that
waiting was boring and so had taken control of
the shopping trolley and was banging it into
this guy's ankles. After a few minutes the guy
asked 'Please could you get your child to stop
running the trolley into me, it hurts.' The
mother's reply is the kinda of stuff that
breeds future serial killers: 'I never tell him
to stop doing anything, I allow him to express
himself.' The guy stood there astonished, as we
all were. Uber Brat, now with the backing of
the woman that spawned him, drove the trolley
as hard as he could into the guy's ankles. So
the guy picked up a jar of honey he was waiting
to purchase and tipped it over the kid's head,
saying, 'Well I am expressing myself too." The
look on the face of Brat was priceless,
everybody started clapping and they left,
leaving behind a golden snail trail.' (Wavo)
>> This Week's Question <<
Is it dinner, supper or tea? Is it a lounge, a
sitting room or a parlour. Is it a brothel, a
knocking shop or work? What do you think of as
common?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/common/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Upside-down dogs <<
Webby weirdness has a new face - and it is the
surprised but strangely pleased expression
pulled by dogs as they lie on their backs.
http://upsidedowndogs.com/
>> Mucking about with banknotes <<
Arty farts scrawling clown faces and
philosophical questions onto banknotes before
releasing them 'back into the wild' to buy soda
and twinkies or whatever. We like the ones
folded to make the Queen and Darwin wear tiny
dunce's caps.
http://www.de-noted.com/index.php
>> Chicken bone art <<
Here's the new creative for the KFC campaign
sorted. Macabre vignettes made from the
gnawed-on remnants of Colonel Sanders' fine
poultry products.
http://snurl.com/creative-kfc-art [kumhianao_com]
>> Dumbest Web 2.0 names <<
Bloke lists his top 15 worst-chosen names by
internet startups, ranging from the meaningless
to the unpronounceable. Ha! B3ta laughs at
those losers.
http://snurl.com/the-15-dumbest [thenextweb_org]
>> Mantyhose <<
Tights. Tights for men. Why should women get
all the fun? Anyway, the weather's getting too
nippy for bare-legged hotpants.
http://www.e-mancipate.net/
>> Digeridoos could save your life <<
Well perhaps that's a bit strong, but the NHS
advocates taking up the digeridoo to combat
sleep apnoea:
http://snurl.com/digeridoos [www_nhsdirect_nhs_uk]
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: BONUS SPONSORED LINKY WOOS
Buying presents is always a tricky task. The
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Now with 50% less jokes
>> Involuntary cunt <<
CNN presenter Kyra Phillips loses control of
her tongue introducing a political
correspondent.
http://www.dlisted.com/node/28778
>> Pop-up music vid <<
The song we can take or leave (okay, we hated
it) but the pop-up book-based video made us
gnash our teeth and flare our nostrils with
jealous rage.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "Why Must I Cry?" <<
We're guessing rapper Rehdogg is deaf, which
might explain his unique vocal style. It
doesn't, however, make it any clearer why the
cameraman is chasing him into the shower as he
soaps himself up. Gave us the fear.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> Awesome peeler <<
Kitchen utensil gets the same advertising
treatment as men's razors. It looks like a
comedy sketch but we're assured it isn't.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> Literal Head Over Heals <<
"Hey," beams Brady, "Just wanted to let you
know that the maker of the hilarious 'literal
Aha' video has a new one on funnyordie.com. I
think it's right up your readers' alley so I
wanted to make sure you knew about it. Hope you
enjoy!" This time Tears For Fears get the
literal treatment.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6342db2270
>> McCain drums <<
Here's the solution to people switching off
during party political broadcasts: Just stick
their heads on top of someone doing something
interesting, like a cool drum solo. Most clips
on the web are too long - this left us
wanting more.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1884021
>> Final Countdown on kazoo <<
Europe's mighty 'Final Countdown' brought to
you on an instrument that combines the
earth-shattering power of the kazoo, the ukulele
and the baby piano. *throws rock devil horns*
http://snurl.com/kazookeylele [www_monkeyreview_co_uk]
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
The sexiest bit of the newsletter!
* CUNT EXAMINATION - This is what you get when
your hospital hires a translator with Tourette's.
http://www.imagetitan.info/images/7j35o7ywu90f1m6t...
* FEAST OF THE ASS - No wonder Christianity's
in trouble when it holds scary-sounding
festivals like this. It's January 14th: Do you
know where your ass is?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feast_of_the_Ass
* CRUDELY-DRAWN COG - BBC News 24 graphic
depicts the world's money markets in strangely
phallic form
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3046/2936546060_05c...
* ATOM COCK - The Atomic Weapons Establishment
logo seems to imply the power of nukes will
grant us gigantic wrap-around penises. We can't
wait to wear ours like scarfs.
http://www.awe.co.uk/links/logo.gif
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Save the Economy Challenge
Last week we wanted you to send us some money,
and did you fuck? Nope, you did a load of
photoshopping instead.
Your favourites included:
* NIP-PUNS FROM NIPPON - all the news you need
and more from the Japanese stock exchange (DWC)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8822168
* ALL YOUR BANKS - are belong to us
(Supergyrations)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8817154
* LOAN - suddenly, the 419 scam looks more like
a serious business proposition (hYpe)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8819003
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/savebanking/
>> New challenge: Recreating Art <<
Using anything but the arts package on your
computer, recreate some real-world art using
everyday objects. Examples: melt some clocks in
the oven to do some Dali, or shape the Venus de
Milo out of mashed potato. Anything is
possible. Challenge suggested by Monkeon.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realart/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BACKWARDS PRODUCT NAMES - "Terrifyingly
enough, Ryanair backwards is Rianayr," shudder
Crane the Crane. This is probably so its
readable in your rear view mirror when one of
their planes is coming up behind you on the
motorway.
* BACKWARDS PRODUCT NAMES II - Asia
correspondent Jon Antonovics writes to inform
us that "the least crap brand of beer in China
is called Reeb. Embarrassing thing is, it took
me months of drinking the stuff before I got
why it had such a weird non-Chinese sounding
name."
* DEAD BABY DEER - Chart Cat bears sad tidings:
Rupert the baby fawn from last week's
newsletter has died. Enjoyable pathos on the
blog post:
http://snurl.com/deadness [www_bestweekever_tv]
* LADIES LOVE BALL SWEAT? Dave the Explosive
Newt wades into the murky world of using
pheromones to attract the opposite sex. "I
can't remember the reference off the top of my
head, but one group showed that women did find
a scent laced with testosterone more attractive
- but only if they weren't virgins. The
conclusion was that associating testosterone
with sex was a learned response, with the
inference that this increases with more sex. So
I guess it depends who you're planning on
attracting..."
* ODD MESSAGEBOARD HOMAGE - to leave on a high
note, here's VampireMonkeyOnSpeed's excellent
Saturday morning cartoon, crammed full of
old-school b3ta messageboard memes. Prepare
yourself for 'The Super Battling Mighty Mega
Ultra Phunamic Morphing Wonder Power Robo B3ta
Rangertron Team Squadron Episode 1'.
http://www.zxbadger.com/flash/redux.php
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: FRIDAY GAME
Blocks with Letters On
Dull name, great game. Push the blocks round a
maze until you get them to spell a word. The
animations when you complete a level are funny
too.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/Morpheme/blocks-wi...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something shit hot and tell us about it.
If you are in it then people will see your
stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HOW MUCH SELLOTAPE... do you need to climb up
a wall like some Tesco Value Spiderman.
* SCOPE PROTESTING AGAINST MADONNA - for her
"emotional retard" comment as retards don't
appreciate being compared to Guy Ritchie.
* CELEBRITY PERFUME QUIZ - Glow - J-lo or Mel
Smith? Kate - Kate Moss or Kate McCann? etc.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by C-Bean, deets, Matt
L, smirt, trentsteel, user440, Duff man, Furey,
pc600. Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Apples are the best cure for coffee breath.
(Setimret)
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SICKIPEDIA:
Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of
pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?
http://www.sickipedia.org/
