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NEWSLETTER: "BURN CALORIES - SET A FATTY ON FIRE"

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* BAM! - It's butter AND jam!
* CHALLENGE - Make B3ta Xmas cards
* FOODY BOLLOCKS - Cooking with toasters

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're rimming the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 356 - 28 Nov 2008

Also available as a "web page"
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue356/

       Winners:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     Sinners:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than collecting belly-button fluff

  >> Katie Melua vs rats <<
  Hearing that Katie Melua has rats in her mind
  and prawns in her ears (yuk) is far more
  interesting than her twee (and probably wildly
  inaccurate) claim that there are nine million
  bicycles in Beijing. Squidboot's frankly
  fantastic lyrics make even more sense when you
  look at the slightly constipated look on Ms
  Melua's pert little face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTYl1pmUDic


  >> Bam! <<
  These plucky students could teach the admen a
  thing or two. Namely that the only good ad ever
  made was for Cillit Bang (big up to Barry
  Scott) and that they all should basically be the
  same. (Thanks Mattlees)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jQGBpAdoXFc


  >> Calling all ladies: this man needs rescuing << 
  We enjoyed teamfishcake's ode to the joys of
  the TV dinner tray - a handy household product
  if ever there was one. However, we do feel a
  little unsettled by the life depicted in the
  video. This poor bloke needs a good woman.
  There's so much love in his heart and it's a
  shame to waste it on a lump of plastic.
http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/articles/TV_Tray_Love_Song

  
  >> Album cover mimes <<
  We once told an irritating Parisian mime to
  "bog off" so we always get a frisson of
  pleasure when we see chaps of this type. Quite
  frankly the game is a bit beyond us but we love
  the peculiar impulse that spurred Kill5 to
  produce it. And those shiny black leotards are
  to die for.
http://snurl.com/retards-in-leotards


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: BOOK OF THE MONTH
  Popbitch annual
  
  Readers from the very early days of B3ta will
  know our long association with Popbitch.
  Basically, not to pretend otherwise, we used to
  work at a magazine company with the bloke who
  started it. Best memory? Staying up all night
  helping them write a special edition that
  didn't bother with any gossip and was filled
  with crap monkey jokes instead. Anyway. They've
  now done a book; the theory being it'll be a
  good gift for someone in your life who likes
  pop gossip. Or knitting patterns for otters. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/184605382X/b3ta-21


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Family Rituals

  Last week we asked for the little things your
  family does that make no sense to anyone else.
  It's a wonder these people can breed outside
  their close-knit circles of madness:
http://b3ta.com/questions/familycodes/

  * HO JOKE - "Every stripper scene in a movie;
    Every time a woman kicked ass and took names
    on TV, posing afterward covered in blood with
    bosom heaving; Every cheap and tawdry sex scene
    in some back alley, motel room or prostitute
    laden opium house... My father would say,
    "And that boys, was how I met your mother."
    (Allisade)
     
  * CEREAL KILLER - "I used to lay down in the CHAIR
    OF TERROR (tm) where our friendly Dr. De'Ath
    would say "Aaaaaah, Weetabix/Frosties/Alpen
    this morning young Prescott". I was regularly
    amazed that he knew what brand of cereal I had
    even though I had brushed hard and it was 4pm.
    Fast forward. Same dentist, my kids. He asks
    me what they had. And I tell him."
    (prescottsflu)
     
  * PRINCESS TOADSTOOL - "Whenever my girlfriend
    is cooking something with mushrooms, and we
    take out a mushroom from the 'work in progress'
    to taste it, you must make the Mario power-up
    mushroom noise. If it tastes really good, run
    around the kitchen singing the "bonus level"
    music."
    (gordonjcp)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your most cringe-worthy moments.
  GordonJCP's is above, tell us yours here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cringe/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Google racism! <<
  It's easy to feign surprise that Google
  autocompletes reveal a lot of racist questions.
  Er, but hang on, it's us (us meaning you) that
  make them. We also suggest trying searches on
  the French, the Japanese and the Germans - the
  main question that emerges about our sausage
  loving neighbours is "why do Germans love David
  Hasslehoff?"
http://snurl.com/google-hates-you


  >> Gay-tabases <<
  Whatever your thoughts on the pros and cons of
  gay marriage, spare a thought for the poor
  database engineer who has to re-jig a load of
  standard forms to recognise that two men (or
  two ladies) can live together in wedded bliss.
  This is a bit geeky, but we liked it.
http://qntm.org/?gay


  >> Second-hand cheese <<
  "I work for an Oxfam bookshop," squeaks Doctor
  Butcher, "and recently one of our volunteers
  bought in a piece of cheese that appears to
  have the face of Greek god Zeus in the mould.
  We decided to do the only thing such a miracle
  deserves, and eBay the sucker. I was wondering
  if you could possibly feature the auction in
  your newsletter? All proceeds of the auction go
  to Oxfam." Oh, ok then. Although why not cut
  out the middleman and send the cheese to the
  starving children of Africa?
http://tinyurl.com/5wd7r7


  >> Cooking with spunk <<
  We're big fans of spunk at B3ta Towers and were
  therefore delighted to see a cookbook extolling
  its many nutritious qualities. A truly seminal
  work.
http://www.lulu.com/content/4956212


  >> Bacon ice cream <<
  Fatties the world over will be licking their
  chubby chops when they clock this recipe for
  bacon ice cream. We think it sounds pretty rank
  but then we have strange food issues and could
  have a whole series of Freaky Eaters to
  ourselves. Next week: sausage cupcakes.
http://snurl.com/beercanbacon


  >> Charlie Says <<
  We love bitter and twisted TV genius Charlie
  Brooker (probably because we're mildly envious
  of him) and think his word is law. So we liked
  this, even though there is more than a whiff of
  scary fan art about it.
http://charlian.dracos.co.uk/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  We're backing betamax

  >> Ross Kemp on Gangs<<
  This says everything we've ever wanted to about
  Ross's slightly silly Sky One series. The high
  pitched, Welsh voiceover is pure genius. 
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=e2_P5Aq8aB0


  >> Freestlye rap battle translated <<
  A treat for both rap fans and rap hatas, this
  pretty much does what it says on the tin. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Freestlye_Rap_Battle_Translated


  >> Chicken head thingie <<
  Who'd have thought you could have so much fun
  with a chicken? This has a slight redneck
  quality to it, but because the science is
  solid, we can't totally mock it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chicken_head_tracking_DD


  >> Sweaty Shatner <<
  Anything with Shatner in it always raises a
  cheap laugh with us and this is no exception.
  He brings new layers (or should that be slices)
  of meaning to the word "hammy".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shatner_Reaction_to_new_Star_Trek_Trailer


  >> Choose your own adventure YOUTUBE stylee <<
  Following in the illustrious footsteps of the
  "Warlock of Firetop Mountain", this video asks
  the viewer to choose their own ending. If you
  enjoyed this game, please turn to issue 357
  next week. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8rJ1WML60Y


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Kill us now. No more please

  * GOATSE MACHINE - "A truck used as a snow
  cannon at the Budapest airport" informs
  goldenAXE. 
http://m.blog.hu/be/belsoseg/image/unimogtali08/uncsi19.JPG


  * MMM... GOATSE  - "Saw this at my local
  Portuguese restaurant", drools Johan, "Don't
  think I'll be ordering that in a hurry."
http://snurl.com/in-a-stew


  * BET HE WAS BULLIED AT SCHOOL - Arnon Shimoni
  points out this unfortunate name.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandeep_Dikshit


  * TAKE A RIDE ON MY PENIS - "I love roller
  coasters", trills Nick Tropy, "and here's a
  nice little phallic logo for you that I found
  at the Roller Coaster DataBase."
http://rcdb.com/


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: COOKING WITH TOASTERS 
  Only the finest features for the b3ta table

  Last week we casually mentioned cooking other
  things than bread with your toaster. Little did
  we know that you're all at it, you cooker-less
  studenty scummers.

  YOUR TIPS:

  * "Generally veggie burgers give best results."
  (Vipros)

  * "Don't try cooking burgers in a toaster. My
  friend did this in the halls of residence at
  Coventry University about 12/13 years ago after
  coming home drunk. The alarms went off and the
  fire brigade came and evacuated the building.
  All 15 floors or so at 3 in the morning."
  (crazyjude)

  * "If you line the inside of the toaster with
  tinfoil, you can in fact bake individual slices
  of bread in a toaster. Works better if you
  break the little thing that makes the toast pop
  back up so you can time it yourself. Really you
  can make just about anything that is prepared
  in an oven, just flat and very tiny. I
  recommend cookies and baked potatoes." (mprtech)

  * "Turn toaster 90deg so it's on its side, so
  the bread lays flat" (minimart)

  * "Potato waffles in a toaster, fresh or
  frozen, it is marvellous"(Greg)

  * "Findus Crispy Pancake tip - the key is to
  let them defrost fully first, either in the
  microwave or at ambient temperature (unless you
  like your FCP's with a 'surprise' nugget of
  frozen brown goo inside - not actually that
  bad, kind of like a gravy-based reverse baked
  alaska. Num)." (Muffrat)

  * "A general rule of thumb - if its covered in
  crispy crumbs and is thinner than ten
  beermats, defrost slightly and toast away."
  (Muffrat)


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: SPACE HIJACKERS PLEA 
  Invade TopShop

  Robin from Spacehijackers asks -

  "I know it's not particularly web geeky so may
  not qualify for the newsletter, however I
  thought I'd drop you a line about our latest
  project anyway.  I know lots of B3ta types have
  been coming along to our events for years so it
  may appeal."

  "The Space Hijackers are organising a special
  TopShop SwapShop in the Oxford Street flagship
  store this weekend."

  "Simply turn up at TOPSHOP on Oxford Street
  wearing an outfit you wish to upgrade, then on
  the stroke of 2, marvel as hundreds of fashion
  moguls offer to trade your clothes with you."

  "2pm Sat 29th November  Topshop Oxford Street"
http://www.spacehijackers.org/html/welcome.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Recreating Album Covers Challenge

  Last week we asked you to spurn photoshop and
  re-make album covers using the power of art.
  You did us fucking proud. You basically rocked
  this challenge like a fucking horse.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * Beck's Odelay, recreated with a kitchen mop.
  (Dog Horse)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8954506

  * Primal Scream's Screamadelica as a tasty cheese
  and tomato dish. (i_yam_bucket)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8960252

  * Bob Marley's Legend from a biscuit. (q4nobody)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8959851


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/recreatedalbums/popular/


  >> New challenge: B3ta Christmas cards <<
  Hoping that you'll make some stuff we can send
  to everyone we dislike (and that's a lot of
  people) we're asking you to make our Xmas cards
  this year. Get to it kids.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/xmascards/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories

  * LEGO GARDEN SHED FAIL - "You asked for a
  garden shed made of Lego", bleats Numma
  Supplies, "We tried and failed, mainly due to
  lack of funds. Lego, as a construction
  material, is surprisingly more expensive than
  concrete or bricks per square metre."
http://shacklemore.blogspot.com/2008/11/build-house-out-of-l.html


  * DATE RAPE WIKI LOLS - "I wish I could take
  responsibility for having done this", moans
  mrmajorisin85, "The Wikipedia article on date
  rape comes under 2 categories: rape and dating.
  I knew I wasn't the only one who saw it that
  way."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_rape


  * STEPHEN FRY SAYS HELLO - Last week we
  featured Wordbombs video starring the Fry, who
  got in touch to say, "You!! Why I oughter... V
  funny. Only objection the number of people
  who've tweeted me the URL. Damned smart tho:
  compliment -( I think?) x. Stephen Fry." Mr
  Wordbomb was dreadfully pleased about this and
  has been skipping about all week.


  * MORE PISS JUG STUFF - mrdirtylegs trickles,
  "In newsletter 355 you passed on Ruddles'
  kitchen jug tip for measuring piss. Well,
  that's just not good enough. I piss my best
  when out drinking, and almost never have a
  kitchen jug with me. The logical method for
  quantifying piss would be to pick up all the
  empty pint glasses on the table, and take them
  with you to the loo. Line them up, either in a
  long urinal or perhaps against a wall, then
  pass your water into the glasses. This method
  would make for easy calculation of a
  beer-in:wee-out ratio."
		

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: FRIDAY GAME
  Energy bouncing

  Our abilities to describe flash games decrease
  as the years go by. Um, there's this whitish
  stuff that's a bit like water, and you position
  some thingies to make it bounce to the end bit.
  You'll like it.
http://www.playauditorium.com/#index

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DAILYMAIL COMMENT DRINKING GAME
    ... 1 drink for "I demand we boycott them"
    anytime a corporation makes a simple error
    ...1 drink for "This country has gone to the
    dogs. Get out now before it's too late" from
    an ex-pat
    ...1 drink for "More evidence of what Nu
    Labour has done to this country"

  * WHICH KIND OF  MOTHER/SON RELATIONSHIP DO YOU
    HAVE QUIZ
    ...Dot Cotton and Nasty Nick (Just another
    cup of bleach tea ma)
    ...Norman Bates and Norma Bates (Murderous
    tranny obsessed with dead mum)
    ...Peg and Noel & Liam Gallagher (Council mum
    who'd give her kids a clip round the ear but
    do anything for them)

  * DURAN DURAN SONG PARODIES
   "My tummy is growly and I'm seeing red.
    Like wolves getting angry when they're not
    being fed
    do do do do DO DO
    My insides are hollow I'm in a malaise
    But I've got a spoon and a jar of mayonnaise
    do do do do DO DO etc"

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by DrPoppers, geekcat,
  mvilrokx, lesbilicious, Boxy8su Top Tippery by
  bugger it kev.  Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Well not this week
  as he was in Iceland eating a puffin. The
  economic issues means tourism is dirt cheap and
  puffin is just as tasty as it ever was. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke.  

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  TOP TIP:

  If you are doing fuck all at work, but surf the
  internet make sure you print off a page of
  something resembling work every now and again.
  Leave this on the printer so when a colleague
  prints something they'll see your stuff and ask
  who's it is and you can claim it and pretend
  you were so busy you forgot to collect it.

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  "Is the cup half full, or half empty?"
  For fuck's sake just buy the bra, Kylie.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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