NEWSLETTER: "B3TA TO MAKE 300 BOARDERS REDUNDANT"
This Week:
* SONG - Fred & Rose
* LOLS - Lolclits. Yes.
* CREDIT - The Crunch visualised
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the Woolwich"
B3ta email 368 - 6 Mar 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue368/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
1000 things you should know about horses!
You love horses, best of all the animals - but
did you know horse meat is usually very lean
and with a sweet taste reminiscent beef and
venison? Oh bugger it - truth be told our
sponsored linky peeps dropped out at the last
minute.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/184236851...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Satisfaction, Love and Sudoku
>> Manly Satisfaction <<
Awe-inspiring tribute to the classic Benny
Benassi vid, starring b3tard Forkit and one of
his mates shaking their derrieres, wielding
power-tools. Mercifully, it's in black and white
- full colour may have proven a little too much
for us.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Total_Satisfaction
>> "We're like Fred & Rose" <<
Kunt & the Gang's stab at a touching love song.
Immense respect is due simply for being willing
to cavort through town dressed as Fred and Rose
West. Great art demands great sacrifice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Automatic Sudoku solver <<
"I'm going to win the Metro Sudoku prize every
day from now on," brags Duvet of farts.
"Apparently, all those years doing a PhD
weren't a complete waste." To explain: Use your
iPhone to take a picture of a Sudoku puzzle.
This clever app then automatically recognises
and solves it all for you, in about 5 seconds.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Its_a_research_project_h...
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Housemates
After we last asked you about your maddest
housemates we thought you'd learn from the
experience. But no. Here's page after page of
loopy people sharing flats:
http://b3ta.com/questions/housemates/
* CAT BURGLAR - "Just this morning, having
spent a highly enjoyable snooze in the gf's bed
after she'd buggered of early for a job
interview, I reluctantly dragged myself out of
bed. Quick shower and a shave I am ready to
take on the world! The world, however, has
different ideas. One of the girlfriend's
flatmates has dead-bolted the door and I am
locked in. After a short time hunting for a
spare key (no luck) I consider my options. This
brings me to the kitchen. The flat is in an old
council estate with a walkway running past the
kitchen and front door. I find that one of the
windows opens fully and I can escape! I fashion
a loop of Macguyver-esque string so I can pull
the latch on the window closed after my escape.
I climb out and breathe the sweet, fresh air of
freedom, turn around and pull the window shut.
Success! The latch clicks into place and the
house is once again secure. Eager to get going
I turn around and walk to work with a spring in
my step... and spring straight into the warm,
welcoming arms of the wonderful, ever vigilant
Metropolitan police force. Arse. Took half an
hour of providing work, home and personal
details, contact number for girlfriend,
verifying my identity, emptying my bag to prove
that 'no, you probably wouldn't want to steal
cycling gear that smells THAT bad' and them
promising to return when girlfriend & flatmates
are in to ensure that I am who I am and that
nothing has been stolen." (Squash)
* DISH WASHER - "I've never had a dishwasher.
This isn't the greatest hardship endured by
man, but it'd be nice. The worst thing about
this yearning is that I had one once, for a
day. We'd moved into a new house that was a bit
of a shithole but had the all important
dishwasher. After a long day of unpacking,
building Ikea furniture and smoking weed, K who
had not been smoking proclaimed that she'd
stack the dishwasher. I was first up with a
raging thirst. Stumbled to the kitchen,
retrieved glass from dishwasher, filled glass
with cool, refreshing water and... Oh good god,
it was like ingesting the crushed bones of a
mummified Gandhi. I ran the tap, but that was
clear and fresh. I moved my attention to the
glass which had a strange, frosted appearance.
All of the crockery, cutlery and glassware
turned out to be covered with this thin film of
white powder. We quizzed K on her dishwasher
skills. She explained that she had taken the
dishwasher powder from under the sink and had
run it as the instructions indicated. All very
well, but none of us had brought any dishwasher
powder. "But I found some under the sink!" She
showed us. It was plaster of fucking Paris!
Everything had to be binned as we couldn’t get
it off. The dishwasher we tried to flush out,
but it coughed, burped, farted and died for
evermore. If we'd cut away the shell, I guess
we'd have had a perfect ceramic model of an
Indesit 4200."
(NakedApe)
* 2 GIRLS 1 CUP - "I share with two
good-looking women who have a bit of a problem
tidying up or doing the dishes, particularly
after they've been in the house alone for any
length of time. I'm not particularly vindictive
but enough is enough and so today I have hidden
most of the crockery and furniture. We'll see
just how much of a mess they can make with one
cup." (horace wimp)
Special mention goes to brackishboy's box room
ball-pool:
http://b3ta.com/questions/housemates/post378705
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your puns. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/puns/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> LOLClits <<
Lolcats meets the Vagina Monologues. It's...
uh... we... Oh just go look at it, it's funny.
Unless you're at work. And are not a
gynaecologist.
http://www.lolclits.com/
>> Faith No More return to blog <<
Vintage rockers Faith No More have recently won
the prize for the longest gap between blog
posts. "We've broken up"... eleven years later
"We're back!" It's amazing anyone even knew the
password.
http://www.fnm.com/news/
>> "Pronounced 'Gemmell'" <<
Such is the power of Twitter that a software
developer can feel justified in posting an
audio guide to pronouncing his name... and
within minutes someone else will have made a
dance track taking the piss. BTW: they are all
friends in real life - software development is
like pro wrestling.
http://twitter.com/mattgemmell/status/1227154380
http://twitter.com/macdevnet/status/1227447853
>> Cerrie Burnell <<
This new, one-armed kids' TV presenter has been
in the news a bit lately, for being too 'scary'
for children. Anyway, this is her profile on
the CBeebies website - check out her favourite
game.
http://tinyurl.com/bm8469
>> Frankie Boyle's website is fucking mental <<
Panel show favourite Frankie Boyle has a
website. And much like you'd expect, it has
publicity pics, reviews and tour information.
It's just that, for some reason, these are
scattered through a rambling web comic which is
mostly about suicide and the perverted sexual
exploits of superheroes. We urge you to read it.
http://www.frankieboyle.com/
>> Jurassic Park Erotic Fan Fiction <<
Does not disappoint. The best website ever?
Quite possibly.
http://ijpeffwa.friendsofsmash.co.uk/
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
For those too busy to google their own lols
>> Puppet Coldplay <<
Lovely vid from Coldplay that reduces them all
to marionettes performing at a village fete.
Some nice touches and we particularly liked the
horrid roadie.
http://www.coldplay.com/videolitii.php
>> Literal Penny Lane <<
The Beatles get the merciless literal video
treatment. Horse montage! 'Nuff said.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Literal_Penny_Lane
>> Rockers say: Do drugs <<
Music video explaining how to manufacture
illegal drugs using commonly-available
pharmaceuticals from your local supermarket.
The elaborate procedures you have to go through
look, frankly, terrifying. Stick to the heroin,
kids.
http://keithschofield.com/wintergreen/
>> YouTube musical mash-up <<
YouTube vids of people playing instruments all
run together to create new tracks. Impressive
stuff.
http://thru-you.com/
>> The credit crisis visualised <<
This has really been doing the rounds lately.
And it's no surprise - a clearly-expressed
explanation of why everything started to go to
Hell in a hand-basket. TLDR: Greed.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Credit_Crisis_explained
>> Rat staring contest <<
The international rat stare-off season has
begun once again. We go into the first round of
playoff with a couple of very strong
contenders.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Fat birds lols & a name change
* DON'T GOOGLE IT, REALLY DON'T - Jannie
splutters, "A company not a million miles from
here has changed its name from Haden Building
Management to Balfour Beatty Workplace. The
directors were allegedly gob-smacked when it was
pointed out to them what you'd get by Googling
BBW. I've just done it and BB Workplace doesn't
even make it on to the first page of results."
* YEAH YEAH YOU KNOW ABOUT THOMAS WANKER - he
did the music on Buffy, but apparently he's so
sick of Brits taking the piss on the internet,
he's now changed his name to Thomas Wander.
Poor old sod, he's waving the white flag of
cowardice. Wankers should all stand proud.
(thnx Timothy Pryde)
http://www.thomaswander.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Evolution Challenge
Last week we wanted you to demonstrate
how animals will evolve in the future.
Your favourites included:
* CAT - the self-stroking mechanism will
be a feline feature by the year 2274
(2 Can Chunder)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9220407
* STANNAH - it's the evolution of Nan
(The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9217775
* NECK - as buildings get taller, the
giraffe effortlessly adapts
(HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9217972
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/evolution/
>> New challenge: Credit Crunch TV <<
To mark the news that ITV is shedding 600
jobs, open up Photoshop and suggest
cheaper versions of well known TV and
Radio shows, showing how today's credit
crunch will affect tomorrow's television.
Challenge suggested by The Great
Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creditcrunchtv/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* LINUX VOLUME MIXER - with words that will
make men with beards go "Wooooo!", P-Nuts tells
us, "Back in the dim and distant past of B3ta
email 357 you asked for an INTERNET VOLUME
MIXER. Well, I've made a program to enable
that sort of thing, but only for super-geeky
Linux types." As we're media arty gays who
dream about Steve Jobs's penis, we're on Macs
and have no idea about such dark arts, but
still if you're that way inclined:
http://paclientmonitor.sourceforge.net/
* TESCO VALUE BEN GOLDACRE - Le Brian belms,
"Ask and ye shall receive - as requested in
last week's newsletter, I present:"
http://www.thiscausescancer.com/
* PEEP SHOW MARKETING PEOPLE HAVE HEARD OF B3TA
- "The Peep Show characters are interacting
live on Twitter in an experiment in interactive
fiction and comedy", writes someone who works
for a PR company. We wouldn't normally bother
alerting you about such stuff, but we're mildly
flattered that they've included a small shout
out to the B3tans from DobbyElf.
http://twitter.com/peep_show/friends
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Ultimate Crab Battle
Jimkopelli shouts, "You lot have been slacking
off and not putting games in your newsletters
for a while - here, have one that skips all the
tedious levelling up and collecting items and
goes straight to the boss battle. It's as
absurd as Burn The Rope while also being on a
laser shark that poops torpedoes." This is win.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/wiesi/ultimate-cra...
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DYSON GOOGLE BOMB - Robneymcplum says, "Maybe
too late for this week's newsletter but that
new advert on TV for the Dyson Ball hoover has
ridiculously smug twat James Dyson on it, and
at the end it smugly states 'just search the
internet for Dyson Ball' Now, assuming people
will and assuming they would use Google I would
like as many people as possible to upload as
many pictures as they can onto the web called
Dyson Ball, therefore ruining his smug
advertising plan. And hopefully some filth, for
no other reason than to amuse me."
* MAN LITTER EXPERIMENT - Sarah demands, "I
want to know if it is possible for a man (or
filthy woman) to use a cat litter tray for a
week? What brand of cat litter is better at
keeping the human smell at bay? Do you have to
sieve the lumps out daily? Does it actually
save you money in the long run? Pictures would
be good."
* MYLEENE KLASS WANK CHALLENGE - Sarah also
demands, "On another note my boyfriend would
like someone to knock one out whilst watching
10 Years Younger." The challenge being
presumably that although Myleene is a perfectly
attractive woman, the cross cutting with old
hags having their faces cut open might wither
the old chap. Or maybe you like that sort of
thing.
Send contributions and suggestions for things
YOU'D like to see via the magic that is the
mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: We read everything. Even the "stop sending
this bilge, you weren't funny in 2002, you're
not funny now" ones. That doesn't mean we
reply, as entering into dialogue about why
we're shit makes us grouchy.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mictoboy,
leningrad, Tyronne, krang, Lee Robertson, Tim
Helliwell, SiX, ben someaddress, Si o doom,
beaverwastemanagement, heartfineart,
the_log_knows, El Guirri, mr.dogshit, godawful
Top Tippery by stopmeandslapme. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via Prof
UnderCover. Care cups to b4ta.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Email clients Outlook Express, Gmail, etc,
won't allow you to send the message "You are a
cunt". Try to send an email with that title to
your boss, it won't let you.
-------------------------------------------------
SICKIPEDIA:
The BBC has revealed its schedule for 9/11, it
will be showing a double bill of Fawlty Towers.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
