NEWSLETTER: "JADE'S LAST ISSUE"
This Week:
* QUESTION - Worst thing you've done with a penis?
* Mutated Monty - Back with the mentals
* Veitch - Wanky Shit Demon 2
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Sleepers awake
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| this is your signal"
B3ta email 369 - 13 Mar 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue369/
Misanthropy: [email protected]
Comic Relief: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Mobile Journo blogs
Follow 5 Tokyo-bound troubadours as they gawk at
pant-moistening technology so hot it'll melt
your face. You'd be a right doukeshi not to
click:
http://tinyurl.com/3snapshots
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Your link, our newsletter, credit-crunch prices.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff, nonsense and tomfoolery
>> Forrest Gump, one minute, one take <<
The Tom Hanks tear-jerker reduced by Cap'n to
its basic elements, which mostly appear to have
been made of cardboard. Watch this rather than
the original and save several hours of your
life for something worthwhile instead.
http://b3ta.com/links/Forrest_Gump_in_one_minute_i...
>> Wanky Shit Demon 2 - The Awankening <<
Joel emails effusively, "Hooray! A sequel to
the Wanky Shit Demon! It is a thing of great
beauty!" Good to see Joel's returned to his
early ethic - simply try to be as foul as
possible.
http://rathergood.com/demon2
>> Mutated Monty's Bits & Bobs <<
"Here's a compilation of left-over weirdness I
had lying around," chirps mutated monty. "I
recommend the high-quality version." This is,
as ever, the sight and the sounds of an
impending mental breakdown.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bits_and_Bobs
>> Use Twitter to make sentences <<
"Got bored this weekend and so threw this
together," shirks BlueHaze, "It uses the
Twitter API to finish off sentences that you
start, often with hilarious, unexpected or even
rubbish results."
http://www.meandr.net/
>> Weebl vs. Sunshine Movie <<
Newly-responsible Jonti Picking, in his quest
to pay for a shed to "keep babby in" is
continuing his Cadburys Creme Egg themed
advertising. Picking mumbles and slurs,
"Sunshine was one of the best and most
overlooked films of 2007, a taut psychological
thriller and great up till the bit it turns
into a monster flick. Anyway I've fixed the
monster problem in MY version."
http://www.goovies.co.uk/gooshine.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Puns
We asked you last week for your best puns.
Hopefully this means you won't clog up all the
other QOTW's with this shit in the future.
http://b3ta.com/questions/puns/
* "The people of Dubai do not find The
Flintstones funny, but the people of Abu Dhabi
do."
(Dr Skagra and kingnutter)
* "The Beach Boys walk into a bar:
"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round."
"I get a round?"
"Get a round."
etc."
(The Supreme Crow )
* "Ah, Harry," Remus Lupin folded his hands to
rest down on his desk, brown eyes weary with
the burden of what he had to tell him, "I'm
afraid that young Miss Granger is correct. I am
a werewolf." Harry recoiled in both fear and
disgust, anger flaring as his trust for his
professor crumbled away underneath his clenched
fists. "What?! Are you fucking serious?!"
Lupin's eyes closed just briefly in thought as
he nodded slightly. "Yes, that too." (Aruu)
>> This Week's Question <<
What's the worst thing you've done with a penis?
http://b3ta.com/questions/pythonshame/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates=
>> Webcam stop-motion <<
Fun site that lets you make mad little animated
movies, using your webcam. When you see people
messing around with their laptops on the train,
this is probably what they are up to.
http://www.piterwilson-toys.com/wcsmt2/
>> Take an anxiety shit <<
We find that to take a shit we need to feel
relaxed so that we can open our sphincter and
let the poopy-poos drop out. Others believe
that heightening stress is the way to go. We
reckon we couldn't shit in this bog - or that
one with the one-way glass.
http://www.coloribus.com/paedia/prints/2009/03/11/...
>> Bad Paintings of Barack Obama <<
Truly awful paintings of famous people are
funny. They work as harsh caricatures, making a
celeb look mentally ill, deranged, or simply
with his skin hanging weirdly after a stroke.
What's not to enjoy?
http://badpaintingsofbarackobama.com/
>> Web with added bacon <<
Adds a delicious-looking rasher of bacon to any
site of your choosing. Everything's better with
bacon, right?
http://snurl.com/takethatveggiebastards
>> De-yellow your retro consoles <<
An assortment of vintage computing enthusiasts
have solved the mystery of the ages and
developed a technique to restore mouldering
collectibles to their former (beige) glory.
BTW: The Dave Stevenson mentioned here is no
relation our Dave - who only wishes his
nickname was 'Merlin'.
http://retr0bright.wikispaces.com/
>> Blowguard <<
Novelty sex toy that avoids teeth meeting
johnson while performing a blow-job. Enjoyed
that one of the selling points is "Designed by
a Dentist". NSFW, probably.
http://blowguard.com/home.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Your guide to the best laser disk releases
>> SSD awesomeness <<
Our very own CR3, coder for B3ta and Sickipedia
is now the star of an internet viral to promote
Samsung SDD drives. We're very proud of him as
A. We helped him the get the job at the agency
and B. It's already had over a million views on
YouTube because it's actually a really good bit
of work. Give the lad a raise.
http://snurl.com/paulcurryforinternetpresident
>> Sleepwalking dog! <<
This is why you shouldn't wake up sleepwalkers.
Twitchy sleeping dog. Tip top comedy ending.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sleepwalking_dog
>> Brad Neely - Fuck the Humans <<
"If this doesn't make next week's newsletter,"
blackmails Lord_Munkee, "then it'll be a shit
newsletter..." Well, we're sticking it in -
mainly as we like the idea of poo being
jewellery. But we can still promise you that
it's a shit newsletter.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brad_Neely_Fuck_the_Huma...
>> Radiohead on Mario Paint Composer <<
Paranoid Android is one of the most epically
miserable rock tunes of the 90s. Somehow its
pathos remains, even rendered in Mario Paint.
http://snurl.com/okconsoleputer
>> Ben Goldacre vs. MMR reporting <<
You may have seen the hoo-hah a few weeks ago
with Goldacre getting peeved at a LBC radio
show spreading the usual crap about MMR, and
then the lawyers naively trying to close the
debate by playing the copyright card. The
internet responded with the "Streisand Effect",
i.e. lots of blogs re-hosted the audio. Anyway,
it's all summed up rather nicely on ITV1's
London Tonight. BTW: Also worth checking out is
the blog by reporter Nick Wallis who describes
the process of putting the report together with
a pleasing can-do clarity.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Yay_Ben_Goldacre
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Sex dwarf
Thyrf dribbles - "A bunch of us started a new
job last year. It only took the existing staff
a whole day before they mentioned his name.
Scoffing in doubt, we didn't acknowledge it
until one slow afternoon resulted in looking
through the corporate address book." Hmm,
amused as we are, isn't there some serious data
protection / getting yourself sacked issue
going on here?
http://www.b3tards.com/u/afae739d69c88855a28f/rand...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Credit Crunch TV Challenge
Last week we wanted you to predict how the
financial crisis will affect TV programming.
Your favourites included:
* TREK - even the most popular TV franchises
will see their budgets slashed (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9237684
* SKY - while the people losing their jobs are
always the last to know (Greedo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9238215
* COCKNEY - and Eastenders brings back an old
favourite to save money (Frogbeat)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9237573
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creditcrunchtv/
>> New challenge: Font Jokes <<
This week we you to you to use your photo-magic
skills provide us with fontLOLs - yes, jokes
about fonts. C'mon. Jokes. About. Fonts.
Challenge inspired by Ninj.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fontjokes/popular/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SPIDER CASH - pastapappie whispers, "In issue
367 iowaseven asked for a credit card with a
picture of a $233.95 spider on the front. Since
my card was nearly expired and my bank lets me
choose a custom picture I figured, why the hell
not? The result is a little blurry thanks to
the lack of a decent camera, but it can be seen
here."
http://tweakers.net/ext/f/He3nrZSJT1XZwottf6LkGWtR...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* JAFFA CAKE DONUTS: Like a donut but with a
smashing orangey filling and chocolate on top.
eViLegion and HappyToast challenge you to make
this happen. They've already written a long
rambling email to McVities...
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9264105
* MOBILE PHONE HIP FLASKS - on considering the
problems of an alcoholic - you need to carry
booze on you at all times and yet you need to
keep it secret. So why not hip flasks disguised
as handy objects that you ALREADY carry about
with you all day? "Fantastic, a phone call
from Mr Booze. I'll need to take this in the
other room." *glug* *glug* *glug*
* SPEED CHALLENGE PENCIL SHARPENING - How long
does it take you to grind a new pencil entirely
into shavings? No cheating using electric
sharpeners mind you.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via raerth_.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Captn Hood-Butter.
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SICKIPEDIA:
What do you call a tall guy who can masturbate
10 times in a single day? No, it's not a joke -
I need to know what to put on my CV.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
