NEWSLETTER: "IT'S CHRISSSSTTMASSSSS!!!"
"IT'S CHRISSSSTTMASSSSS!!!"
This Week:
* PRINTER - made of Lego!
* BORIS - Mayor of London bouncy dance track
* PICS - In the creationist museum
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're writing the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | headline headghgh
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 431 - 4 Jun 2010
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue431/
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: SPONSORED LINK
Sonic the Hedgehog - Tails soft toy
Oh shitting fuck we really should sell some
advertising but instead, as tradition dictates,
our most recent purchase on Amazon is a foot
tall Tails character - he's Sonic's friend and
is so-named because he's got two tails. We're
not going to make any jokes about what else he
might have two of because we bought this for
our 5 year-old son as a birthday present and
don't want to weird him out.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001CFRJ7...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than showing on the doll where the nasty
man touched them
>> Lego printer <<
"Here's a Lego printer with added horses that I
made," says squirrelfantasy. This is so clever
it's scary, and the vid has circulated the
interglobe twice in the few days since he made
it. We reckon Lego should bung him a few quid
and bring this product to market - it's awesome.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lego_printer
>> Corn starch + mr scruff <<
"Here are the wonders of non-Newtonian fluids
on a bored Sunday!" brags an excited Fygget.
Freaky, contorting gloop on a speaker. Good
music though.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cornstarch_subwoofer_mr_...
>> Unnatural worms <<
"Hi dudes," greets chief dude Joel Veitch. "Got
a game this week in case it's any interest for
the newsletter - the aim is to find all 16
creatures." Recreate the experience of being a
child too poor for toys, by dragging worms all
over the back yard to see what they do.
http://www.rathergood.com/unnatural
>> They are Watermelons <<
"This is the story of 2 Watermelons hanging
out, and doing stuff," says Appox. "One of them
is called Charles, the other is called Dan."
Odd, wistful, talking watermelon-based
animation.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/They_are_Watermelons_Dre...
>> Boris Johnson vs 2 Anonymous DJs <<
"It was a funny idea down the pub. Could we get
Boris J to appear on a track? Strangely it came
true," explains spike_tones. "Aardman loved it
so made a video. Our mate involved in this
unfortunately died of cancer, so we're giving
profits to Macmillan."
http://snurl.com/torybeats
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QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Professions you hate
Last week we asked you to say which professions
you found the most irritating - personally we
loath bank staff and, hmm, best keep our mouths
shut here *mpmmphf*
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/professions/
* AGENTS - "If the second part of your job
title's "Agent" and the first part isn't
"Secret", you're a cunt." (grandmasterfluffles)
* "PROSTITUTES - and now police men. How the
hell am I going to finish my PhD now? Bastards."
(Zak McFlimby)
* AND A SPECIAL MENTION to the Supreme Crow who
writes, "Best advice I ever had? 'Don't answer
the QotW a week late.'"
>> This Week's Question: Getting caught <<
MJPerry asks: Masturbating, stealing, making
the cat dance... when did someone catch you
doing something you wanted to remain secret?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/caught/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> People I see on the 'street' <<
Charming photoblog of eccentrics sighted on the
London street. Scroll back a few pages to see
that it used to be people on the Tube, until
Transport for London kicked up a stink and made
them change the name.
http://peopleiseeonthestreet.com
>> Beardy beanie <<
Does your face get cold, but you don't want to
look like a terrorist in a balaclava? Instantly
enjoy both facial warmth and the many other
perks that come with fine, luxuriant beard
growth.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/47868043/
>> Husband’s frozen sperm <<
A lady rather exuberantly celebrates winning
the right to use her husband's frozen sperm.
http://www.unionversity.com/husbands-frozen-sperm
>> In the Creationist Museum <<
"The Genesis Creation Museum, where is that -
the southern USA?" you inquire. Surprisingly,
it's in the UK. Perhaps less surprisingly, it's
in Portsmouth. And filled with all sorts of
exhibits explaining how the tyrannosaur and the
man once lived together harmoniously, and dined
only on vegetables. Imagine if the T-rex ate
the apple first.
http://picasaweb.google.com/aorellana/CreationMuse...
>> Lost 'retro-game' <<
Entertaining series of screenshots - what a
Lost spin-off game would look like, if it was
brought out circa. 1985.
http://www.penneydesign.com/folio_IM_lostgame.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like Youtube but with our HTML round it
>> Rock Out With Your Cock Out! <<
Most drummers are pretty dull to watch, whilst
others, such as Keith Moon steal the show. Here
is one such performance - all the better for
being with a poor, gold-suited covers band.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rock_Out_With_Your_Cock_...
>> Re-uploading vids to youTube 1000 times <<
When we were young and had our heads filled
with silly, arty ideas we once faxed a document
backwards and forwards about 40 times to see
what it looked like. Then covered our bedroom
wall with the prints and the pretentious title,
"The Darkness Encroaches". And on a similar
theme:
http://snurl.com/pixelmanofdeath
>> Mark Kermode reviews and impersonates Danny Dyer <<
For forrens - Mark Kermode is a movie critic
and Danny Dyer is an actor, best-known for
suggesting in a teen agony aunt column that the
best way to get over a broken heart is to cut
the girl's face so nobody else would want her.
There appears to be some animosity between the
two.
http://snurl.com/fightfightfight
>> Brodyquest <<
Acclaimed actor Adrien Brody walks the wide
world on the best day of his life. This is
absolutely the most awesome thing ever,
improving as it goes along.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/BRODYQUEST
>> Star Wars iPad briefing <<
Steve Jobs briefs the Rebel Alliance on the
latest Apple product. Nice bit of redubbing
from a Mr Adam Buxton.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_wars_Ipad_briefing
>> Just like the original? <<
Girl does a Lady Gaga for video production
class. It's so awful that we can't quite tell
if it's deliberately bad. Surely... but then,
she just won't give the game away.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Just_like_the_original
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
We tried to kill it but it's still here
Andy writes, "I know you like people with funny
names, and 'Sheila Dikshit' had me snorting out
my coffee. She's chief minister of Delhi, and
also has a PhD. I don't know if Dr Dikshit has
a better ring to it than Sheila, but you can
read more about her here. Pip pip!"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheila_Dikshit
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Animated Albums Challenge
Last week we wanted you to animate the sleeves
of classic albums
Your favourites included:
* ZEBRA - the world's most iconic walk,
repeated ad nauseam (elvisweathercock)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10068074
* WOBBLE - sometimes, our instructions are
taken way too literally (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10068661
* FROG - and the camera pulls back to reveal...
(drboon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10067657
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animatedalbums/
>> New challenge: Medical Posters <<
2 Can Chunder writes: "I am a GP
registrar. Please design educational
posters for me to display in the waiting
room." Consider it your public duty to do
so, and to educate a nation about its
health.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/doctors/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* UGLY PERSON CONFESSION BLOG - Last week we
brought you news that Stan Cattermole was
giving up pretending to be ugly and fessing up
- if you missed the actual confession then
read it here. Stan aka Karl writes, "Hey Rob, I
think it's gone OK on the whole. There's a
small minority of haters, although some of them
really mean it. I'm going to write something
today to put up tomorrow morning, sifting
through the reactions and whatnot and then
that's it. Fresh start on Monday."
http://karlwebster.com/2010/06/the-ugly-truth-out-...
* BRIAN BLESSED SAT NAV PROTOTYPE - We brought
you news of this Facebook campaign a while back
and now they've produced a demo video. The
'Brian Blessed is good at shouting' meme never
dies.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brian_Blessed_Sat_Nav_pr...
* DAN BULL VS ISRAEL - fearless Mr Bull uses
his powers of melodic rap to tackle the issues
of the day - and this time writes a chorus
about how much he really likes Jewish people really,
and ties himself up in knots and reminds us of
why it's best to have no opinion on Israel ever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Who_likes_Jews
* DANGEROUS TOP TIPS? - Noel writes, "Re:
foot-sanding top tip: using a belt or
rotating-disc sander will burn your feet and
make you walk like a mutant. A good orbital
sander and some 120 grit paper will do wonders
for your feet. Use progressively higher grit
paper and buff with wax to give them a nice
shiny finish /ex-joiner blog."
* A NEW FACT - Barticus points out, "The proper
name of 'draw and fold over' is exquisite
corpse." We did know this, but reckoned it
sounded too rotten.com for anybody to want to
click it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exquisite_corpse
* TIME WASTED ON TYPING WWW. - Chad replies,
"www.internetworldstats.com lists a total of
1,802,330,457 distinct web users in its latest
figures. Allowing an average typing speed of
31.5 Words Per Minute (based on wikipedia
listing it at between 23 and 40WPM), and an
average of 10 sites per day requiring URLs to
be typed, leads us to:
((1/31.5)*10)*1,802,330,457 = 572168399.05s.
Or, 6622.32 days."
* CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE - "Hi! I'm
@tomfarrington and I wrote that 'Breakfast
Viennetta' tip...not fussed about the credit,
just wanted you to know, because you're my
heroes. Hope all is good, Tom."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* KEEPMELOGGEDOUTOF.COM/facebook/5weeks - we
were feeling a bit annoyed with Facebook the
other day and would like to put a lid on it for
a few days without doing a big huffy attention
seeking disable profile thing and figured a
great site idea would be a service that changes
your password for time period to something
unguessable and then resets it back. This
should also work with twitter, b3ta, the daily
mail and other sites that suck our time and
make us annoyed.
* KIDS TV STYLE THEME SONGS FOR NORMAL TELLY -
Mike Trinder asks,"it is the law that all
children's shows must have a theme song that
introduces all the characters and explains the
plot. We'd like to see this principle applied
to adult TV like The Wire." Christ! You'd need
a 2 week long opera to describe the plot of The
Wire.
* A GUIDE TO FOOTBALL-FREE PUBS - Rob Leese
Jones pleads, "My once-lovely local has now
installed a massive screen and is showing
football in 3D. With the World Cup almost upon
us can you ask in the newsletter if someone
could build a site or google maps thingy
listing the pubs that *aren't* showing matches?
I'd like to avoid the entire tournament if
possible."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Darklord, Tedium,
freeallbadgers, Lightguy, AFish, Lesbian Ham,
Philip_newzealand, applehead and The Great
Architect. Top Tippery by blaireau69.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Sicki 'lols' via Buttnugget.
Subjline via benito vasselini.
*mpmmphf* = lawyers
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TOP TIP:
Whenever baking bread (or whatever) NEVER
measure the volume of water in a jug. Measuring
jugs, even those pricey Pyrex ones are wildly
inaccurate. For much-improved accuracy (and,
thusly, better bread) weigh it instead. 350ml of
water weighs 350g. (A controversial tip that's
already generating debate on our site)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post742981
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Stephen Hawking seems to have a chip on his
shoulder. Whoops! Typo. I meant chin.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
