NEWSLETTER: "RIP HAROLD SHIPMAN, YOU LEGEND"
This Week:
* OVERDOSE - a day of Atari 2600
* JEDI CAT - with a lightsaber
* KARAOKE - Jewel sings Jewel
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Fuck knows what we're
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | doing but we're still
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| doing it... together"
B3ta email 437 - 15 July 2010
Retweet this issue to your friendster 'e-pals'
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue437/
Pikey Tax: [email protected]
Graduate tax: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Black Face Paint
Your boss man writes, "Regular readers will
know the score - our advertising is up and down
like a priest's knickers, last week we had
three ads and this week? Fuck all, so as
tradition goes I'm linking to the most
interesting item in my recently-bought items
list on Amazon and it's er... some black face
paint. The reason being I had this weird
fantasy about making my face black and my hair
stick out and calling myself Ginger Lazarus. I
did this and made our youngest child burst into
tears, so um, good idea there. Why don't you
try it?"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000LWCPV...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than playing soggy biscotti
>> The Daily Mail's as Underground Map <<
PokeHQ writes, "This took hours, and hours to
do. Hope it was worth it." Definitely worth it,
and we like it so much we've set it as our
official B3ta wallpaper.
http://snurl.com/dailyfailtubemap
>> Jedi cat <<
That cute little cat-in-a-box from last week.
Only now he has a lightsaber, courtesy of
Faceburger. Yay!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Now_he_has_a_lightsaber_...
>> Double Rainbow <<
"A double helping of Rainbow," brags Pig Face
Turnip over this, his own take on the double
rainbow meme.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Double_Rainbow
>> "My Guitar is a Mushroom" <<
"About a year ago I made a guitar in the shape
of a Power-Up Mushroom from the Super Mario
Universe," explains shovelboy. Here's his show
and tell demonstration.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_Guitar_is_a_Mushroom
>> Uncle Wormsley <<
A darkly nostalgic Yuletide tale from Joel &
co, who are putting it out now because
"hopefully we'll get to make it as a TV
Christmas special - got some interest along
those lines but nothing definite as yet."
Anybody wanting to fund this, Joel will be your
private dancer and any old music will do.
http://www.unclewormsley.com/
>> Atari 2600 overdose <<
"Here's a great retro gaming article," boasts
phonepimp. "Guy plays his Atari 2600 for an
entire day without stopping." We enjoyed his
description of the Atari as a reverse
Terminator - a terrifying machine sent from the
past to end his life.
http://snurl.com/atarioverdose
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Absolute Power
We wanted to know if power had turned you into
a rabid dictator or a humiliated arse. Go read
how Vagabond turned a lowly temp job into a
power lunch with the captains of industry:
http://b3ta.com/questions/power/
* Gullible - "When I was a young chap my mother
thought it would be a good idea to put me and
my brother in charge of the party games at my
little sister's birthday party. We proceeded to
con them into following a series of arrow
post-it notes around the garden, through the
house, out the bathroom window back into the
garden, into the shed and then starting all
over again claiming they'd missed something on
the way. Meanwhile we scoffed a shedload of
party food and watched telly whilst the fools
completed at least eight full circuits."
(shake'n'bake)
* Actionable - "It's scary to think that
parents give me, the babysitter, absolute power
over their kids for the evening. I've so far
managed to convince various children that:
toothpaste comes from caterpillars, moths are
the ghosts of butterflies, I am related to
dracula, gnomes are evil, butter grows in dark
places, adults get twice as much monopoly money
as kids, donkeys are aliens and the list goes
on. Absolute power over children may not seem
much to people in real positions of power, but
it can be funny as fuck at times. Also, every
child I've babysat could make a decent cuppa by
the age of 7..." (Smash Monkey)
* Certifiable - "For my birthday just gone, my
girlfriend gave me absolute power over her. I
was allowed to do anything I wanted to, and
she'd go along with it. So I went down the pub
and got hammered whilst she cooked the dinner."
(Monkey the Chicken)
>> This Week's Question: Doing it wrong <<
Tell us about the facepalm moment when you
realised you've been doing it wrong these
years. Talk to us here, you mug:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wrongness/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Meme theme: 3 googles <<
We once worked with a magazine journalist who
liked to say "three is a trend", meaning that
if you can find three of something you can
bullshit out a feature about a rising trend. If
that guy still worked in journalism we'd send
him this:
http://therevolvinginternet.com/
http://unevengoogle.com/
http://www.googlingwithkittens.com/
>> Friends of irony <<
Imagine, if you will dear reader, a site that
collected together photos of signs that
directly contradict what you can see. Wow,
internet, you spoil us. But you really don't
understand irony.
http://www.friendsofirony.com/
>> Fake Tube station in London <<
Tube stations are weirdly fascinating places -
a lady friend of ours claims she can get
through her local ticket barrier without paying
by slowly rotating her foot at the station guy
- a notorious shoe pervert. This is where such
types get their training:
http://snurl.com/secretunderground
>> Awkward Stock Photos <<
If you've ever produced crap for the internet
you might have spent an afternoon clicking
through stock photo libraries going, "Crikey,
what a load of shit" but it never occurred to us
that it was a potential comedy gold-mine.
http://awkwardstockphotos.com/
>> MS Paint Masterpieces <<
If Lovejoy was still being made - he'd be
getting Tinker to bash out forgeries of Old
Masters in MS Paint and selling them on
Twitter. Fact.
http://mspaintmasterpieceproject.blogspot.com/
>> Those clever Old Spice ads <<
Internet advertising has just been rewritten -
forget spending all your budget on bashing out
a clever viral that looks like it was a made in
a shed with a felt-tip, from now on in it's
going to be this highly reactive 'making vids
to Twitter comments' shit. Somebody should
think of a name for it because every agency in
town will be pitching variations on this for
the next year.
http://snurl.com/oldspicewin
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like laserdisks but less shiny
>> Maori's Morning. <<
Most stop-motion is crap yeah? Once you've got
over the OMG THAT MUST HAVE TAKEN AGES, who
really gives a shit? This is different because
they've remembered to put gags in it. Remember
that, internet - you can keep people's
attention with jokes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Maoris_Morning
>> The man behind Real Dolls <<
Who would have guessed he looks like a bonus
member of Nine Inch Nails and has creepy eyes?
Apparently, it's important not to judge these
sadsacks who want to fuck rubber dolls.
http://vimeo.com/13080908
* Also worth reading - a Real Doll factory
photo essay:
http://caneparidoesitbetter.com/2010/07/08/love-ma...
>> Jewel sings Jewel Karaoke <<
We can't really remember who Jewel was, other
than some blonde-haired girl who sang some pop
songs a few years back. Looks like she's on
hard times but at least up for a few internet
lols in this cute trick. She visits a karaoke
bar in disguise and sings her own songs.
Weirdly emotional and almost made us cry, but
then we're probably just having a breakdown, or
starting our periods or something.
http://snurl.com/undercoverkaraoke
>> You, your kids, and your what now? <<
According to Urban Dictionary (which by 2050
will replace the C.O.D as the most-cited
reference work in academic papers) a Johnson is
a penis. That's all you need to know to enjoy
this video, although we might be stepping on
the punchline there.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/You_your_kids_and_your_w...
>> Nazi cock <<
From the ministry of silly walks comes John
Cleese, reincarnated as a chicken. Sub-Beadle
lols but fuck it, he's dead anyway.
http://www.poetv.com/video.php
>> Black metal band with views on downloading <<
Norwegian liberal party "Venstre" suggests
legalising downloading mp3s. Black metal band
Enslaved tracks down party leader's farm and
"downloads" one of his sheep.
http://snurl.com/blackmetalsheep
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
It takes two to mango
* POOR OLD BRUCIE - via the Scottish Daily Fail
http://snurl.com/mailfail
* MORE UPHILL FUN - Colonel Dracula writes,
"Re: Uphill Badminton. I live near Uphill, and
should you find yourself in the area I can
recommend the "Uphill Garden Centre"; perfect
for all your uphill gardening needs."
http://www.city-visitor.com/uphill/gardening.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from two challenges
A few weeks ago we asked you to Photoshop the
World Cup. Now it's over. Phew.
Your favourites included:
* FABIO - England's manager, lovingly rendered
by Pixar (Q4nobody.co.uk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10085890
* GREEN - the camera angle that explains
everything (herman:D)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10089460
* HORN - the vuvuzela makes a terrifying,
unexpected appearance (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10091486
While last week, we asked you to celebrate the
humble tarsier.
Your favourites included:
* SUMMER - Compo gets compoed in the compo
(AceFox)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10115509
* UNBELIEVABLE - Victor Meldrew attempts to
make a phone call (benito vasselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10117936
* HORSE - rare zoological find as tarsier mates
with nag (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10116511
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you in both challenges, can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/worldcup/
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tarsier/
>> New challenge: Mel Gibson <<
Mel Gibson: action hero. Whether it's as
Mad Max, or the bloke out of Lethal
Weapon, he's never far from our screens
or out of the news. So fire up your image
manipulation tool and manipulate him. Go
mental.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/melgibson/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TANS MAKE KIDS TV SHOW - "Morning BETA!"
shouts loego. "Just saw someone had finally
uploaded some clips of our little kiddie show
Big Babies to YouTube. So I hope you don't mind
me spreading the word, as we really wanna get
the show out there to older big kids too. Shame
out of all the people on YouTube the person
that uploads our FAMILY kids show has the
username SODOMIZINGDEVIANTS. Blimey."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Only_fools_and_Horses_fa...
* AT-AT VIDEO: HOW IT WAS MADE - we featured
the vid a few weeks back and now a revealing
and inspirational guide to using chromakey and
stop-motion technology. You'll want to make
stuff after watching this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_making_of_At_At_Day_...
* MORE B3TAN BABIES - A couple of weeks back we
claimed to be obsessed with spunk and want
cummy projects. CHCB writes, "So this is kind
of a cummy project: Me 'n' fellow b3tan Captain
V meet at a very drunken bash last year, he
knocked me up and fortunately we quite liked
that and we had catfaceceilidhbaby on Monday.
We said if she was ginger we'd call her Rob.
She's not, so we didn't. In true QOTW style she
likes breasts. We are waiting to see about the
undiagnosed crippling Internet Asperger's."
* COOLING DRINKS - MrMoose writes, "Regarding
the cold water/drink tip in issue 436: I use a
battery-powered coffee-foamer whisk to stir an
ice cube-laden drink at speed to get a very
cold drink fast. Add about 6-9 ice cubes to a
pint of juice and don't stop until the glass
starts to mist over. Don't drink it too fast or
you'll get brain-freeze!" We prefer the
low-tech approach of sticking your drink and a
couple of ice cubes into a thermos flask and
shaking hard for 30 seconds. It really does
work and we finally understand why James Bond
would have a preference for shaken over stirred
- shaking basically means colder.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Twitter golf
Guide your ball across the range by guessing
what words are popular on Twitter. Tip:
'iPhone' will get you a longer putt than
'flopsy'.
http://twirdie.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HOW MUCH HEROIN WOULD IT TAKE TO KILL YOU? We
want a little calculator based upon body
weight, purity of the smack, how many other
depressants you've already consumed.
* YOUTUBE AUTOTUNE - hearing elephants and
kittens via autotune is always amusing, but
wouldn't it be fantastic to have a button that
works for all youtube vids?
* A WHAT'S TRENDING ON FACEBOOK GROUP -
complete with a letter signed by David Cameron
to print out a demand that it gets taken down.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Cliff Richard's
porn stash, WiL, Herb Alpert's Taxi driver,
thememoryhole, Hey Baberuba, DavyBoyInGravyJoy,
sinisterduck, mediocre, dorocic, WiL. Top
Tippery by bugboy. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via benito vasselini.
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Predict the future:
When watching the World Cup (or Wimbledon if
you're posh,) live on TV, have your DAB radio
secretly plugged into your ear. The broadcast
time on digital radio is about 8 seconds ahead
of the TV broadcast. Thus you will have a good
5 seconds to predict the result.
