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NEWSLETTER: "DOUGH - YOUR COUNTRY KNEADS YOU"

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This Week:
* BELLS - On your clothes
* BREASTS - Do men stare at them?
* BALLOON - In space. With Rick Astley.

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're describing the     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  sex act as 'forming a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  coalition'... together"

B3ta super-fax 449 - 8th Oct 2010

Read this issue in a funny voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue449/

     Joiners:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Splitters:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Circumcision, Rickrolls and explosions

  >> Gatecrashing a circumcision party <<
  "I thought you might be sitting there
  wondering how to go about gatecrashing a
  circumcision party in The Maldives," gambles
  Muir. "Well, ponder no more!" Looks like a
  good bash, but you wouldn't want one held in
  your honour.
http://www.moremuir.com


 >> The FIRST RICKROLL IN SPACE <<
 "We sent a rickroll into space on a homemade
 weather balloon," claims John. "Rick Astley was
 blasted out all over the western hemisphere and
 got we pictures and video footage of the whole
 thing."
http://www.zug.com/live/85980/First-Rickroll-in-Space.html


  >> Climate Change re-edit <<
  Last week the environmental pressure group
  10:10 put out a badly-misjudged video, directed
  by Blackadder's Richard Curtis, that appeared
  to suggest people who didn't listen to their
  message should be killed. It was also horribly
  long. Our own Cyriak has put together a much
  better edit.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/how_to_solve_the_problem_of_climate_change


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Waste of Money

  Last week we asked for the stupidest things
  that you've wasted money on. Go look at
  MJPerry's crudely-drawn cheque:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wasteofmoney/

  * "I got set up on a blind date by a friend
  with one of his work colleagues. He assured me
  that she was about 5'3", cute, long brunette
  hair and great company. Had a very brief phone
  conversation with her beforehand and she tells
  me she'll be wearing a red coat. I arrive and
  I'm relieved to see her walking in the
  opposite direction towards the restaurant. I
  run up and say hi, give her a hug; she looks
  more nervous than I do. Excellent. Ask if
  she's hungry and ready to grab something to
  eat, she replies, 'Ummm... sure' - a lot more
  nervous, brilliant! Small talk for a bit, ask
  her what she does etc. If she does this sort
  of thing often, tell her she sounds a bit
  different on the phone; she has no clue what
  I'm on about. About 10 mins in, my phone
  buzzes, I'd usually not answer it on a date,
  but it's the blind date calling... she's
  sorry, but she's going to be about an hour
  late because she got held up at work. So who
  the hell am I on a date with? Just some random
  that I met on the street. I had to rush
  through the meal with her in record time
  before the actual blind date arrived. I then
  had to spin some bullshit to take her
  somewhere else because I'd already used up my
  reservation and the waiting staff would think
  I was nuts. So I paid for two meals that day,
  struggling through the second one while trying
  to act all normal. I got the first girl's
  number at the end but never heard from her
  again. Not only that, but the second one told
  my friend that I was acting weird. Top work
  Catherine in the red coat, wherever you may
  be, you played a blinder that night!" (Regger)
     
  * "My brothers-in-law Andrew and John worked
  together. Andrew decided he needed a van to
  run around in, chuck stuff in and not care too
  much about. He rang around and found a Bedford
  van that had just been brought in to the scrap
  yard. A bit bent and rusty, but still road
  legal with 8 months MOT and 4 months tax -
  yours for £80. Bargain. Oh, it doesn't start
  because the fanbelt snapped... John and Andrew
  set off in the works Transit to said scrapyard
  which is deep in the Sussex countryside. £80
  changes grubby hands and the Bedford is tied
  to to the rear of the Transit for the long tow
  home through the lanes. All is going well,
  until a long sweeping bend: Andrew realises
  his rookie mistake of not putting the keys in
  the ignition as the steering lock suddenly
  clicks on; furthermore the brakes won't
  respond as the engine isn't running. John was
  looking bemused out of the side window when
  Andrew came sailing past, snapping the tow
  rope and crashing spectacularly into a very
  solid, ancient stone wall surrounding a
  church. The dust & rust cloud settles. The
  impact was so bad that the van is now a
  write-off, and Andrew has to open the rear
  doors to retrieve his bobble hat. A call is
  made to the same scrapyard who come and pick
  up the van and give Andrew £30 scrap value,
  pissing themselves. Net result, £50 to rent a
  van for half an hour, a ride of terror and
  looking like a complete bell-end."
  (fizzybunghole)
     
  * "In hindsight, buying a twelve-pack of Durex
  at the age of 14 seems a little presumptuous
  and not particularly good value. If I recall
  they were mostly very pricey water bombs."
  (number5)


  >> This Week's Question: vandals <<
  Tell us tales of vandalism and destruction, of
  getting caught or getting away with it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/vandals/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Office pranks - hanging bells off people's clothes <<
  Good tumblr name for it, too. Hopefully this
  will take off and expand to other types of
  office prank, our favourite being advertising
  your boss's job in the industry press.
http://bellends.tumblr.com/


  >> Huge online community map <<
  Took us ages to find B3ta, but we're very
  pleased we're there. To find us - we're left
  of YouTube and next to Deviantart.
http://xkcd.com/802_large/


  >> One Website. One Picture. Anyone can change it. <<
  Vaguely amusing idea which kept us interested
  for... Oh, at least 20 seconds. Doh. NSFW in
  case 99% of users do what 99% of internet
  users do. Yep, upload cocks. Reminds us of
  Metababy from back in the day.
http://www.lastpicstanding.com/


  >> Lol Jesus <<
  Sometimes our lord and saviour Christ is a
  complete cunt.
http://strangebeaver.com/2010/05/meme-of-the-week-5-6/


  >> Stuxnet: Cyber-war <<
  Spent a good part of this week reading about
  the Stuxnet virus, apparently designed to
  attack Iran's nuclear program. The really
  scary part is that script kiddies now have a
  blueprint for making viruses that attack all
  sorts of technology. If you're someone who's
  likely to write a techno-thriller then read
  this FAQ and get pitching:
http://www.f-secure.com/weblog/archives/00002040.html


  >> Incredibly depressing lottery simulator <<
  Simulate playing a megamillions lottery to see
  how much you lose. We played it through a
  handful of times and scored back about 10% of
  our 'investment'. As Lemmy says, gambling is
  for fools.
http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/poker/megamillions.php


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  A tiny cinema without popcorn or chavs

  * NORTON PROJECT - A story about how two
  brothers stole their father's 1969 Norton
  Commando motorbike, had it restored and then
  gave it back to him for Christmas. If you have
  a spare 15 minutes, it's a great video. And
  absolutely nothing about cleaning their Dad's
  PC from viruses.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Norton_Project


  * BREAST-STARING CONTEST - Cure idea for a
  hidden camera stunt - which men are going to
  leer at the women in the short dress? Spoiler
  - all of them. Actually this reminds us of
  something we saw yesterday, a young woman
  wearing black tights and and short, cut-off
  jeans jiggling her way down the high street.
  We don't know what was more enjoyable,
  watching her arse or watching men turn round
  to clock her again.
http://goo.gl/oYWn


  * RIP NORMAM WISDOM - in a small tribute to
  fallen comedy idols, let's remember Norman via
  his wonderful cameo in an old Lee & Herring
  clip.
http://goo.gl/ndn0


  * JEREMY PAXMAN INTERVIEWS RUSSELL BRAND -
  Fascinating interview, Brand is both
  intelligent and maniacally intense. Slightly
  worried that he's now professing to believe in
  God, wonder if he's heading for a massive
  breakdown?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/newsnight/9053238.stm


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Ed Miliband Challenge

  Last week you welcomed Ed Miliband to serious
  politics.

  Your favourites included:

  * KILLERS - Ed & Dave reinvented (rather
  beautifully, it must be said) as Ian and Myra
  (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10204831

  * ADAMS - ditto, but as Douglas Adams'
  two-headed, three armed inventor of the Pan
  Galactic Gargle Blaster, Zaphod Beeblebrox
  (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10202300

  * SPORTSWEAR - say it fast: it's the Red Ed
  Miliband millipede headband (Happy Toast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10203418

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/miliband/


  >> New challenge: B Movie Monsters <<
  Make a B movie monster: mash it, 'shop it,
  photograph it, animate it, cut out of paper
  and scan it, or make a B movie monster costume
  and wear it. Then enter it in the challenge.
  Raarrgh! Challenge suggested by maiden.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monsters/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Flabby Physics

  Nicky Hewgill writes, "this should be a phone
  app - top one-button game."
http://krakez.com/game.php?id=237

  BTW: Mr_Chopper has also written in to
  complain about our comment last week that we
  weren't playing many flash games these days as
  our casual gaming stuff had been taken over by
  the iPhone. He's very, very angry about this:

  "Well this is all very well and good, however
  for the 6 of us who don't yet own Apple's
  A-MAZE-ING "Lifestyle Choices are for Specky
  Cocks Anyway" Fucking Machine why not take
  things one step further?

  "Why not just randomly click around on
  YouTube, Vimeo or Dailymotion until you find
  something funny? No doubt every man and his
  cunt has already seen it, as it's already been
  Tweeted half way to Shitzbekistan and back,
  complete with fifteen thousand mash-ups and
  meta-combinations of memes that don't even
  exist yet. When you're done, have a go at
  converting it to Cocoa Shunters iOS and make
  sure we get hit up with 25% royalty fees -
  it's our idea, after all."


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
  Our bits and bobs follow-ups section

  * CONCISE RECORD REVIEWS - Jamie Willcocks
  writes, "After seeing last week's 'judge a
  book by its cover' link, it reminded me to
  pimp my website, which takes a similarly lazy
  approach to music. My speciality is reviewing
  the latest singles in exactly four words each
  - no more, no less."
http://poppsychology.co.uk

  * BLOKEY MAKES POP VIDEO - martin_keeler:
  "Hello you. I have a bit of a 'what happened
  next' thing. A couple of years ago you kindly
  included in your newsletter a video I made for
  The Divine Comedy of my mate dancing in his
  pants. Well, we got a bit of attention after
  that but, frankly, nothing that could persuade
  me to get off my arse and do something about
  it - until I was asked to make a video for a
  fab American duo called "hyperbubble" - So we
  decided to make a very cheesy vid to their
  song "chop shop cop" (and I even managed to
  crowbar more of my mate in his pants again).
  It cost all of £70 (and that was mainly on
  wigs) - and now I appear to be being talked
  about in America to the point where we had to
  do a very wooden video intro. It's proving to
  be much fun! Thanking you for the help in
  getting to do this."
http://blogs.sacurrent.com/?p=898


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include
 
  * A BUTTON THAT FINDS PEOPLE NOT ON FACEBOOK -
  despite everyone being on it there's still
  loads of people from our past we can't find.
  We reckon they've either got very fat or are
  hiding from the tax man.

  * A MAGIC NEW iPHONE / iPAD HYBRID - which was
  the size of an iPhone when in your pocket, but
  magicked up to iPad size for sofa web bollocks.

  * A VIRUS THAT HUNTS FOR TAX RECORDS - and
  breaks the entire inland revenue system. Come
  one hackers - how cool would that be for
  bragging rights?

  * FACEBOOK RELATIVES - Dan Bull writes,
  "Facebook should have a function where you can
  upload your family tree and find your
  relatives, I'm sure we'd find out everyone is
  related."


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by waz4444,
  BOO! Star, sPUNKer, sinisterduck, Qazxswe,
  redazril, nospoon, Smale. Top Tippery by
  sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols Bela
  Lugosi's Dad.

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  TOP TIP:
  Jews! Fancy a kosher alternative to pork
  scratchings? Simply stick some unwanted
  foreskins into a Breville sandwich maker.

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