NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S WOOLLY AND BUILDING THREE BOMBS? BAA BAA MEINHOF"
This Week:
* AMAZING PROJECTS - Nick Griffin Puppet!
* STASI HUMOUR - East German jokes
* PICS - Ugly Renaissance Babies
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... for pudding"
B3ta email 506 - 24 Nov 2011
Read this issue to Siri, you silly billy:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue506/
Fresh breath: [email protected]
Semen breath: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
War on Terror boardgame app
It took over a year to develop, but the app
version of our mischief-making board game "War
on Terror" is available for iPhone and iPod
today. Get it while you can because we do have
a nasty habit of being banned.
http://goo.gl/JWRLC
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making their wills
>> People parking like cunts <<
"Me and a mate started this blog a month or so
ago," writes Fray Brentos. "Now we have it in a
suitable size and shape to begin sharing it
around. Spamcunts be damned - I've been here for
ages!" NSFW for swears.
http://youparklikeacunt.tumblr.com/
>> Orangutan stunt <<
Seeing a silly man on a Tube train thrashing
around to some late 80s pop music is kind of
funny and this is obviously for charity so we
shouldn't really be mean about it. But if we
found ourselves stuck in a crowded carriage
with this fuckwit first thing in the morning,
the obvious response would be to tar and
feather him, set fire to his fluffy costume
and throw him in the Thames for good measure.
Or just nervously look at the floor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Optic Trumps <<
"So I made a Top Trumps set based on eye-glasses
of the rich and famous," writes Wildyles. "I
finally stumped up the cash to get a print run
done, so if you would like a copy then let me
know." An unusual but nicely-executed idea and
a perfect gift for all your four-eyed family
members this Christmas.
http://www.optictrumps.co.uk/
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: SPONSORED LINK NUMBER TWO! HOORAY!
#1 Xmas Record
"The greatest Christmas single of all time,"
according to a website. This is the 4th annual
re-release of Language of Prairie Dogs' Xmas
song, 'Lone Giant'. It's already been
downloaded by over 30 people! There are some
7"s left over from last year too, if anyone
wants. Thanks for listening and, please, tell
your friends.
http://bit.ly/Number1XmasRecord
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Amazing projects
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for projects. Not the most
replies we've ever got but the quality was
very high indeed. Gosh you are a creative
bunch. We'd be proud to share a shed with you.
We suggest you read the lot, including people
who build scale models of the moon (with
pictures), an amazing scalextrix and someone
who made a life-size Spitting Image-style
puppet head of Nick Griffin. Respect.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/amazingprojects/
>> This Week: Put-Downs <<
What's the best heckle/putdown/riposte you've
ever seen, heard or been on the wrong end of?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/putdowns/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Women's Hour has gone downhill <<
We all sniggered at the plummy-voiced old dear
trilling: "I'm just amazed he TOSSED it
without making a mess." Let's hope she really
was referring to a salad and not Jeremy
Clarkson.
http://goo.gl/BlwR3
>> Ugly Renaissance Babies <<
Only a mother could love them. Or a 16th
century painter.
http://uglyrenaissancebabies.tumblr.com
>> My fucking name is: <<
This collection of rants will strike a chord
with anyone whose name's been misspelled by
people who should know better - such as
teachers writing your school report. Yes, we
mean you, Mrs. Denton. We haven't forgotten.
http://myfuckingnameis.tumblr.com/
>> Pedestrian rollercoaster <<
Loving this German roller coaster-style
walkway, which also works as a sculpture. It's
functional but fantastic and we want one now.
http://t.co/07SZX7jK
>> East German humour <<
Last year Paul Chambers got busted for making
a gag on Twitter about blowing up an airport.
We all thought that was terrible but, in East
Germany, getting nicked for making jokes was
common. This fact gives these seemingly-safe
bits of humour a bit of an edge.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_Germany_jokes
>> Amusing eBay thing <<
Yes, this really was on eBay. Keep reading -
the details are delicious.
http://www.bitbroken.com/2011/11/it-smells-of-deat...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a cracked laser disc that needs cleaning
>> Benson benson benson BENSOOON BENSOOOOON!!! <<
The panicked deer clip that's everywhere this
week - including useless reports on local news.
It would be remiss not to link to it and/or get
the dog's name wrong.
http://goo.gl/Nu6LT
Not forgetting the million parody remixes:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jurassic_Benton
>> Trololol stretched 800% <<
Eduard Khil's slowly smiling face makes us
think of the notorious installation where
artist Douglas Gordon extended Hitchcock movie
Psycho for 24hrs. Do this with porn and make
your own Sting sex tape.
http://goo.gl/7Y6B5
>> Arnie fucking loves Total Recall <<
The actual commentary track off of Total
Recall with all of director Paul
Verhoeven's contributions edited out,
leaving only Arnie, pointlessly describing
everything we can see. It's like a movie from
a parallel universe where the visuals are
great but the scripts are piss-poor. Like
every Michael Bay film ever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Arnie_Fucking_Loves_Tota...
>> The man who makes things fly <<
"My friend Rupert," writes skeltonator, "is a
bit of an insane genius. As a result he has
this compunction to invent mad stuff - for
example, a flying barbecue and a flying
washing machine." Magical.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_man_who_makes_things...
>> Toilet sketch <<
We loved this clip from the Irish TV show "Your
Bad Self" that reveals what can happen if
you're caught short on a car journey. Ew.
http://t.co/fzxZ8WoQ
>> Carlsberg stunt <<
Sitting next to the scary person in the cinema
is never fun and we felt for the couples
forced to share their night at the flicks with
a crowd of menacing, leather-clad bikers.
Fortunately, it turns out to be worth it in the
end.
http://t.co/9kVCitxZ
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Two for the price of zero
* SPANISH LOLS - valentin.lagunilla writes,
"Only in Spain!!!"
http://www.scat.es
* THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE - the Xmas card all the
idiots will be sending this year:
http://twitpic.com/3ipmek
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Misplaced Props Challenge
Last week we wanted you to take a prop from one
film and insert it into another
Your favourites included:
* ARNIE - "Ell-i-ott? I'll be back." (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10605161
* BEAN - continuity error as British Leyland
Mini 1000 appears in the Italian Job
Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10605503
* EWOK - Ice Cold on Endor (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10605310
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/props/
>> New challenge: Spoons <<
This week's challenge is an elegant, simple,
one-word affair: Spoons. Your job is to
celebrate their magnificence. Challenge
inspired by Smash Monkey.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spoons/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FAN MAIL - DOMINICK LAGRECA writes, "THIS
EMAILS I GET FROM YOU ARE AWESOME. ILOVE TO
OPEN THEM AND LAUGH AT SOME OF THEM. WERE AND
HOW DO THEY KET THE IDEAS TO MAKE SUCH A
WEBSITE?AND WERE IS EVERYONE FROM? THANK YOU."
* SANTACON - 5ifty0 writes, "Hi B3ta, the last
time I sent you a message was nearly a year
ago asking you to mention SantaCon in the
weekly newsletter and thanks for doing so!
With this in mind, on behalf of the entire
SantaCon(gregation?) I officially invite you
to take part in this year's activities - which
are going to be fucking awesome. I'll buzz you
with another request to put it into the
newsletter on the 9th, because SantaCon is on
the 10th this year. If you see a giant red
Halo-esque Spartan (a.k.a Santa 117) that'll
be me - would be great to get some more b3tans
in on the action this year! Cheers!"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* AN OFF SWITCH FOR TWITTER - we recently did
two weeks off and felt much more cheerful for it.
* THE CONCENTRATION SPAN TO READ BOOKS AGAIN -
the bloke who wrote "The Shallows" is right,
or we think he's right but our phone started
bleeping after chapter two and we didn't
finish it.
* A USE FOR WET CAT FOOD - we've got about 200
packets of the stuff and the smell of it makes
the official B3ta wife vomit so we can't feed
the cat with it. Any ideas?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by some awful cunt &
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
@thesaharadesert, timoncheese, Tim Whitwell,
@DFLamont krang, PointlessCamel, Ysol, WiL,
@brokenscience, @martin_gleeson &
@PGJMatthews. Top Tippery by SonoraAeroClub.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Pretend you are a Premier League footballer by
drawing all over one of your arms in Biro.
