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NEWSLETTER: "CAN BOB HOLNESS DIE AGAIN TODAY? WE LIKED THE NOSTALGIA LAST FRIDAY"

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This Week:
* STREET ART - best of 2011
* SLOTH - drip-dry baby
* SOCIOLOGISTS - review children's books

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're eating our   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    austerity biscuits
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      ...together"

B3ta email 511 - 13 Fri 2011

Read this issue on tech that'll be binned by 2013:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue511/

          Lucky:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Unlucky:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Blu-Ray player with iPlayer + DivX
  
  One of the kids broke our DVD player over Xmas,
  so we decided to get a new one with Blu-Ray.
  Can't say we've bothered buying any Blu-Ray
  movies yet but it's handy to have a player
  with built-in BBC iPlayer (works off your
  Wifi), streams movies off our home network and
  also plays DivX off USB thumbdrives.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004ZCHEQ2/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us. We won't bite,
  unless you pay us to bite. 
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making dirty protests

  >> Have you forgotten what happens? <<
  "Have you forgotten what happens when you eat
  Kellogg's Cornflakes?" queries ratbanjos. If
  you have, here's a flashback.
http://upthear.se/flakes


  >> Me and Reg <<
  Enjoyable shaggy dog tale from 'freelance
  locksmith' cidercomic. "Apologies for length,"
  he stutters.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_short_film_we_made_the_other_day


  >> Tumbleweeds <<
  Save this link for when your jokes go down
  badly. A montage of tumbleweeds from various
  films and tv shows. Via dunk3d.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tumbleweeds


  >> Harrison Ford watches 'Harrison Ford watches
  Indiana Jones for the first time' for the
  first time << "A lot of people have been
  getting angry at the vid I uploaded last week,
  that it was a hoax and faaake," explains
  dogfood. "Thought I'd put a nail in the coffin
  of those rumours."
http://upthear.se/fordy


  >> I've got a house that looks like me <<
  "This is a factual song about a factual
  situation," claims exploding stallion Joel
  Veitch. "At least, it will be fact when I am
  rich enough." Lovely bit of vid by Butters.
  NSFW: Cock.
http://b3ta.com/links/Ive_Got_A_House_That_Looks_Like_Me


  >> The Ballad Of Worrall Thompson <<
  Fans of disgraced, bearded TV chefs have been
  glued to the news outlets as Antony Worrall
  Thompson's shoplifting saga continues to
  unfold. Here's a Fat Boab song and b3ta folks'
  photoshops of a man we predict as a future
  Celeb Big Brother contestant.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Ballad_Of_Worral_Thompson


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Books 2012

  We always need something to read. There's only
  so much staring at naked people's bits we can
  take:
http://b3ta.com/questions/books2012/

  * OM NOM - "'In the light of the moon, a
  little egg lay on a leaf.' The humble origins
  of the 'little' egg and 'tiny' caterpillar and
  his quest for nourishment can be seen as a
  metaphor for sexual growth, where desire
  cannot be sated until, having sampled a
  smörgåsbord on the Saturday comprising 'one
  piece of chocolate cake, one ice cream cone,
  one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one
  slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of
  cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake and one
  slice of watermelon', he can take no more and
  becomes a 'big, fat caterpillar'. The Freudian
  depictions of the food - and of the
  caterpillar himself - reinforce the metaphor:
  size (and shape) is everything. Previous
  suggestions (Catface, 2010) that the story is
  a literal reading of
  eating-overeating-transformation can be
  dismissed as both reductionist and
  essentialist. The transformation, when it does
  occur, deals briefly with the liminal state as
  a necessary transition into full awareness and
  power - a phallocentric triumph. I have read
  this book to my child an estimated 485 times.
  That's about 484 times where I've had to
  pretend to sound enthusiastic about a bug.
  Don't even start me on 'We're going on a
  motherfucking bear hunt.'"
  (crackhouseceilidhband)
	 
  * PLANTS - "Once when Terry Pratchett was
  doing a Q&A thing at a signing for 'The Last
  Continent' there were about 50-100 people
  present. There was time for one more question;
  I raised my hand. 'You, with the glasses at
  the back,' said Sir Terry. 'Fuck', thinks I,
  'I didn't expect to have a question answered
  and all the good ones pertinent to the book
  and his previous writings have been asked...
  Ah, I know, he keeps carnivorous plants, I'll
  ask him how they're doing.' Silence greeted
  the question. Followed by, '...They're doing
  well, thanks.' And that's why I asked him to
  sign my copy 'To the idiot with the question
  about plants.' As a constant reminder that I
  shouldn't talk, ever." (Funkenschlag)
	 
  * SPOILERS - "We read Of Mice and Men at
  school. A great book, somewhat tempered by the
  fact that come chapter 3 or thereabouts,
  someone had scrawled 'I don't want to spoil
  all the fun but Lennie gets shot on page
  113.'" (The Silent Channel)


  >> This Week's Question - Messing with People <<
  What have you done to fuck with people? Was it
  a long, carefully-planned piece of
  psychological warfare, or do you favour quick,
  off-the-cuff comments that confuse the
  terminally gullible? Have you been dicked
  with, and only realised many years later? Are
  you being dicked right now? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/messingwithheads/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Useless stock photos <<
  Not out-of-focus pics of Oxo and Knorr cubes
  but library photos so specific and odd you
  can't imagine placing them with any story. You
  might laugh. If the internet hadn't deadened
  your capacity for joy at anything that isn't
  misfortune.
http://bit.ly/hPlKhV

  
  >> Restart nostalgia <<
  If you're addicted to watching old PCs reboot
  then have we got a website for you. Fill your
  boots, reboot obsessives. 
http://www.therestartpage.com/


  >> Bestest comic strip ever <<
  A fantasy about how adverts could be improved,
  ending with the immortal line, "All
  commercials are now just a flaming baby skull
  barking ethnic slurs." A parable for our
  entire culture of poshlost. (Google the word
  poshlost. It's a very good word that we all
  should learn.)
http://bit.ly/AF3Dar 

  
  >> Street Art - Best of 2011 <<
  The transformative quality of art can make you
  see the world anew. Walk your streets and
  imagine how a bit of tinkering could make
  people smile with joy.
http://www.streetartutopia.com/?p=5982


  >> "Tiny things I hate" <<
  Great blog listing in extreme detail the
  author's pet hates. Here's a quick list of our
  own.
  1. People who press the pedestrian crossing
  button even though we've already pressed it.
  It's like they're saying we're rubbish at
  button pushing. Rude.
  2. People who talk to us from another room
  without raising their voice expecting us to be
  able to hear. Or walk in so we can hear. Rude.
  3. People who email B3ta with "I've got an
  idea for a website, if we built it, would you
  cover it?" Er.. no idea. Build it and then
  we'll know if it's any good. Rude!
http://tinythingsihate.blogspot.com


  >> Total Perspective Vortex <<
  Or as Carl Sagan put it, "Our posturings, our
  imagined self-importance, the delusion that we
  have some privileged position in the Universe,
  are challenged by this point of pale light.
  Our planet is a lonely speck in the great
  enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in
  all this vastness, there is no hint that help
  will come from elsewhere to save us from
  ourselves." Happy new year.  
http://www.scaleofuniverse.com


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: PODCASTY BOLLOCKS
  Stick this in your CD Discman & walk in traffic:

  You've probably heard it by now but the
  American Life podcast on Foxconn - the Chinese
  company that manufactures much of our
  electronic gizmos - shines light into dark
  heart of globalism. Highlights include:
  
  * Unions illegal except for the official state
  union who, if you go to them with a complaint,
  puts you on a blacklist and you don't work
  again

  * Employee smashes hands in equipment -
  resulting in disability, before being fired
  for slowness.
  
  * Staff exposed to chemicals that means their
  hands are permanently shaking - screwed by the
  time they are 26.
  
  It's hard to think of a positive angle on
  this. Large parts of the West's manufacturing
  base have been shut down, destroying
  communities and their jobs given to slaves.
  Way to go power elite - loving your work.
  (Sent from an iPhone).
http://upthear.se/miserypodcast


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: SOME JOKES TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD AFTER LECTURE
  (We wrote these ourselves, can you tell?)

  * Knock knock. Who's there? Lucy? Lucy who?
  Loo seat is broken, can I borrow your bog?

  * What goes ha ha ha ha bonk? A laughing
  prostitute.

  * What do you get if you pour boiling water
  down a rabbit warren? Six months to a year.

  * Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of
  curtains. Then pull yourself together. That'll
  be £5,000 please. Privatisation innit.

  * Waiter waiter there's a shit in my soup.
  Well yes, this is a coprophagiac restaurant
  and you ordered shit soup.

  There you go. B3ta newsletter is all cheerful
  again. Yay kittens.


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Baby sloths!

  @Tannice_ writes, "this, without doubt, is the
  best drip-drying baby sloth video you'll ever see." 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1mAGQAw3Oc


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  A tiny cinema, where the usherette is Mr Clippy  

  >> Culinary Propaganda <<
  Totalitarian Chef Bartek tells you how you
  will eat. With inexplicable guest appearances
  from what appears to be Odin. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJZd-Oge5_E


  >> Pizza boomerang <<
  A lot of ads emphasise the positive qualities
  of the product. Junk food makers tend to go
  with "the world is an absurd collection of
  unconnected events, so eating our food might
  not kill you. Also, isn't Bill Lumbergh hot?"
http://youtu.be/GrKSWocbbdw


  >> A Cappella Prodigy <<
  Full-on choir performs a medley of electronic
  dance hits, using only their voiceboxes.
  Wisely, they avoid doing 'Charlie Says', which
  really fucks up your throat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuYutmFPPK4


  >> "The Page Turner" <<
  If Heath Robinson had invented the Kindle -
  maximum effort for absolutely minimum, but
  delightful, result.
http://upthear.se/pagey


  >> An HONEST James Bond theme <<
  The lyrics to the 007 theme turn out to be
  Bond boasting about banging bitches and being
  suave.
http://upthear.se/bondytwat


  >> Fotoshop by Adobé <<
  The beauty industry's best-kept secret
  revealed, or at least ridiculed for sniggering
  geeks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fotoshop_by_Adob


  >> The Lambshank Redemption <<
  Successful chef Antony Worrall Thompson's
  world changes forever, when he's sentenced to
  life imprisonment at Lambshank Penitentiary.
  NSFW: Poignant. Er, we mean NSFW: norks.
http://upthear.se/cheftwat


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: AMAZON REVIEWS THAT MAKE YOU GO HA!
  Sociologist reviews Mr Men books

  Let's just quote his entire review of Mr Messy
  - it's 100% brilliant:

    If '1984' or 'The Trial' had been a children's
    book, Mr Messy would be it. No literary
    character has ever been so fully and
    categorically obliterated by the forces of
    social control. Hargreaves may well pay homage
    to Kafka and Orwell in this work, but he also
    goes beyond them.

    We meet Mr Messy - a man whose entire
    day-to-day existence is the undiluted
    expression of his individuality. His very
    untidiness is a metaphor for his blissful and
    unselfconscious disregard for the Social
    Order. Yes, there are times when he himself is
    a victim of this individuality - as when he
    trips over a brush he has left on his garden
    path - but he goes through life with a smile
    on his face.

    That is, until a chance meeting with Mr Neat
    and Mr Tidy - the archetypal men in suits.
    They set about a merciless programme of social
    engineering and indoctrination that we are
    left in no doubt is in flagrant violation of
    his free will. 'But I like being messy,' he
    protests as they anonymize both his home and
    his person with their relentless cleaning
    activity, a symbolism thinly-veiled.

    This process is so thorough that by the end of
    it he is unrecognizable - a homogenized pink
    blob, no longer truly himself (that vibrant
    Pollock-like scribble of before). He smiles
    the smile of a brainwashed automaton, blandly
    accepting what he has been given no agency to
    question or refuse. It is in this very smile
    that the sheer horror of what we have seen to
    occur is at its most acute.

    Somewhere behind this blank expression though
    is a latent anger - a trace of self-knowledge
    as to what he once was - in the barbed
    observation he makes to Neat and Tidy that
    they have even deprived him of his name.

    The book ends with a dry reminder from
    Hargreaves that just as with the secret police
    in some totalitarian regime, our own small
    expressions of uniqueness and volition may
    also result in a visit from these sinister
    suited agents."

  More here, comrades:
http://upthear.se/funnyreviews


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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
  Your guide to Twitter "lols"

  @StealthMountain alerts Twitter users who've
  typed "sneak peak" when they meant "sneak peek"
  then favourites the replies. Very gentle
  trolling, basically.
http://upthear.se/twittertwats


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Stamp Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make stamp designs
  for the Royal Jubilee. Apparently it's 1977
  again and the Queen wants us all to have a
  street party or something. Anyway, good excuse
  to thumb our noses at the old Nazis.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * KATE MIDDLETON GETS MAIL - BTW it was her
  birthday this week so happy birthday Kate
  Middleton! We'd buy you a gift but we're a bit
  skint after helping pay for your wedding.
  Which you didn't invite us to.
http://b3ta.com/board/10650658

  * CHARLES HAS BIG EARS - you know why he has
  big ears? Because Noddy wouldn't pay the
  ransom. (ha ha ha circa 1977 again)
http://b3ta.com/board/10655021

  * QUEEN AND CORGI - if you see a Queen doing
  this it's a sure sign of worms. Crush some
  Bob Martin worming tablets into her delicious
  meaty Queen-chow.
http://b3ta.com/board/10656094


  All these images and the highest voted by
  you can be found here - because we have real
  democratic elements in B3ta. Yay.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/jubileestamp/


  >> New challenge: Right to Parody <<
  This week we're supporting the Open Rights
  Group and their "Right to Parody" campaign.
  It's about getting UK law changed so we don't
  get sent to prison for making shit photoshops. 
http://b3ta.com/challenge/righttoparody/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CASHPOINT EASTER EGGS REFUTED - Mat, who
  assures us he does this stuff for a living,
  writes, "The comment in the newsletter about
  'typing an amount not divisible by 5 at an ATM
  will reveal how much in the machine' is indeed
  complete, unadulterated bollocks!

  "Replenishment figures and cash levels are
  never displayed except in 'supervisor' mode --
  which can only be entered by opening the
  cabinet or safe.

  "Typing an amount not divisible by the lowest
  denomination in the machine will simply result
  in the ATM's workflow branching to a screen to
  inform you that you need to try again.

  "Some ATMs show a 'current screen ID' which is
  a four-digit code (sometimes in hex) in the
  top right corner - for exception/error
  screens. I bet the bloke who told you this saw
  that and thought he'd seen something secret.


  * CASHPOINT EASTER EGGS CONFIRMED - Nirmeth &
  HarleyQuinn1234 write, "Me and the missus were
  at the ATM tonight and thought to check the
  cashpoint easter egg mentioned in the
  newsletter. And it works!"
http://neilmasters.co.uk/images/cash_machine_value.jpg

  BTW: We suspect this figure doesn't represent
  the total amount in the machine but something
  else. Maybe something to do with lizards.


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Slowest pee ever
  
  When you pee it normally turns into a torrent
  pretty damn quickly - can you train your urine
  muscles only to dribble it out? We don't mean
  stop/start, that would be rubbish, but control
  the volume per second. How long can you make a
  piss last? Great game for all the family.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * RACE ON SOCIAL NETWORKS - Do white people
  disproportionately follow white people? Has
  anyone studied following patterns? Are our
  communities mixed but our social networks
  following some unconscious apartheid?
  
  * APP IDEA - 'Cassette Deck': Record up to 
  90 mins of audio in two 45 mins chunks.
  Additional C90s available as in-app purchase.

  * THE ONLY WAY IS CHINA - a documentary about
  the pampered lives of the children of Chinese
  industrialists. Are they having tit jobs? No
  idea, but we like the title anyway.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Happiness:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Death:      b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob "I've got tits"
  Manuel with David "I've got a minge"
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @qwghlm ,
  @ImVincentMurphy, Fluffster, judderman,
  Stashie, h7dd3rs, maryepworth, @jongomm,
  @qwghlm,  @tadd31, @HurricaneMedia,
  quadraspazzed on a lifeglug, @ricardopresto
  Top Tippery by SonoraAeroClub. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is a good bloke.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Make your other half think the cat's got a
  tapeworm by sticking a grain of rice to its
  arsehole.

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