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NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT ALREADY, TYPE 'ENGLISH PERSON' IN TO GOOGLE"

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This Week:
* JON SNOW - animated news antics
* JINGLES - for Gordon Brown
* SEXY MODELS - falling over

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving all your    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  GIFS to hand over to
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  the police... together"

B3ta email 533  - 15 Jun 2012

Pretend to read this issue via Tor & VPN:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue533 

   Subscribe :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Snubscribe : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SOLAR PANELS DEAL
  (Sponsored link)
  
  Want 70% off solar panels to reduce your
  carbon footprint? What about £700 per year tax
  free money off the Government? Then get a
  quote for your area:
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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> It's Jon Snow! <<
  "I drew this and made it move," brags
  mushybees, to whom Channel 4 News anchorman Jon
  Snow is naught but a whimsical puppet.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Its_Jon_Snow


  >> Rejected children's books <<
  "Some kids' books I can't seem to get
  published," laments under-appreciated genius
  douggypledger. Shame.
http://www.douggy.com/category/artwork/stoopid-storeees/


  >> Olympignorance <<
  "My thoughts on this Olympic stuff," writes
  somegreybloke. He makes some good points, such
  as why athletes don't use their superhuman
  skills to fight crime, instead of hoarding
  shiny pieces of metal.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Olympignorance


  >> Cat vs. lawnmower <<
  "A close shave for stunt cat," sweats Black
  Moon. Don't worry, readers - eleven cats were
  harmed in the making of this video.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_v_Lawnmower


  >> Bowl Date <<
  "Technically, this isn't self-promotion,"
  claims Brett Domino, "As it's my cousin,
  Yorkshire-based dubstep producer C-Bomb." 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tntlesL_VC0


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Getting Old

  We wanted the things that had brought home to
  you that you were getting old and creaky. Read
  on and realise that you too are an old fucker:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gettingold2/

  * FLIRT - "In Subway, the cute teenager 
   assembling my lunch told me I had, "a really lovely
   voice." Thinks: "Wahey! You might be old enough
   to be her dad, but by Christ you've still got
   it." No. Her next remark? "You remind me of my
   granddad reading me bedtime stories when I was 
   little". (all my scars face forward)

  * MOSH - "Working security at Download this year
   I struck up a conversation with a gent who had
   just come away from the second stage looking
   rather unsteady on his feet. He told me that
   he was having a break from the crowd because
   he'd got caught by someone's elbow in a moshpit
   and it had winded him, but he'd be going back
   in, 'to get the little fucker.' He was 83 years
   old. I no longer feel that I'm too old for
   anything." (Munsta)  

  * FORGOT - "You know that lost feeling that 
   creeps over you when you walk into a room,
   stop and pause, and then can't remember what
   you went in for? That just happened to me.
   Only the room was called Asda and I had a
   trolley with me." (R. Jimlad)


  >> This Week - The Apocalypse <<
  Power cuts, internet outages, mild inconvenience
  to your daily life - how do you cope? Tell us
  your tales of pointless panic-buying and hiding
  under the stairs:
http://b3ta.com/questions/apocalypse/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Jingle Writer <<
  Leemondus writes, "I've got some jingle
  writing work coming up, so was doing a bit of
  research and stumbled across this site. I might
  as well give up now if the competition's this
  good." Hmm, possibly a little sarcasm here as
  the jingles on offer here are... let's say
  'unique'. The one to promo Gordon Brown at
  the last General Election is particularly strong.
http://www.jinglewriter.co.uk/



  >> Pointer pointer <<
  Cute technique that uses people pointing within
  photos to find your mouse cursor. The second
  link takes you to another variation, using
  camera flashes. Now have a go with erect
  willies or lady nipples and win the internet.
http://www.pointerpointer.com/
http://flitser.org/


  >> Crazy arcade flyers <<
  Travel back in time to when arcade cabinets
  were advertised with sexism, wrestling and
  Dolly Parton. 
http://crazyarcadeflyers.tumblr.com/


  >> New internet domains <<
  Icaan now allow anything to be registered
  instead of .com, assuming you've got the cash.
  If there was ever a gold-rush of lies then this
  is it. Check out the big list of stupid new
  domains.
http://bit.ly/L4MYed


  >> 9 Abandoned Islands Where Time Has Stopped <<
  If we ever had any real money we'd love our own
  abandoned island. We'd fill it full of snakes
  and tell everyone to fuck off. HGAHAHAAA.
http://bit.ly/ObTFuA


-------------------------------------------------

: EASY FOREX SPREAD BETTING
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  on shares going up or down. The difference
  between that an real share buying is that you
  don't actually buy the shares. The advantage of
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  fancy having a go then Easy Forex is the best
  place to start, as it offers experts to guide
  you through on what to buy. Or, of course, you
  can just buy what you like.
http://monetisetrk4.co.uk/?a=142&c=7139&s1=


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine if the internet could play TV!!!

  >> The reality of being a pro-skateboarder <<
  Skateboarding is one of those things that
  people would love to be awesome at, without, of
  course, any intention of having to practice.
  Here's what's involved in getting good -
  hypnotic.
http://bit.ly/Mbq3to


  >> Doped-up wisdom teeth guy <<
  There's a reason they don't let you leave on
  your own, after having your wisdom teeth taken
  out. And that reason is the truly excellent
  drugs that this guy is enjoying:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rNeKS22Wsg


  >> Mario goes berserk <<
  Moustachioed Italian plumber power-ups into
  8-bit killing machine.
&#8207;http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkZSzlvWzyQ


  >> Aliens: The Musical <<
  The triumphant return of Jon and Al Kaplan -
  the disembodied, floating brains behind Conan:
  The Musical and the extraordinary Silence of
  the Lambs: The Musical.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Noe95IxpsiQ


  >> Amazing Moiré patterns <<
  Moiré patterns are those weird interference
  effects you get when two grids are overlaid at
  different angles. It's usually really annoying,
  if you're printing stuff out, but this book
  makes them beautiful.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Poemotion


  >> Art Will Save The World <<
  "I've just bought tickets to the premier of the
  Luke Haines film 'Art Will Change The World'",
  brags Ginger Fuhrer Rob Manuel. "You can too."
  Trailer here: 
http://bit.ly/NWOrCA


  >> Fun with Portals <<
  Cute FX trickery, as some friends fool around
  the teleportation gun from Portal.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/nicely_done_Portal_fun


  >> Catwalk falls <<
  If they were horses we'd shoot them, but they
  are stylish ladies and so we pretend not to
  have seen anything happen.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Catwalk_model_fails


  >> Brian Blessed sweary outtakes <<
  Classic clip of Sir Brian, wrestling with a
  Palm Pilot.
http://bit.ly/NDvMOM


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Still about as funny as spiders
 
  If you read this URL as three words (with the
  middle one being 'in') then this is an
  excellent name for a website:
http://www.combinass.nl 


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIGHTENING EMAIL OF THE WEEK
  Homoerotic anxiety texting game

  James.K writes, "A fun game to play with our
  mobile telephony devices. When speaking to a
  fellow heterosexual male, I will always end
  with an 'x'. Generally from him there will be
  no 'x' in the reply, but I continue undeterred
  - always with the 'x' remember. Sometime later
  - possibly out of awkwardness, he stumbles...
  he ends with an 'x'. "I've got you!" I silently
  declare. The next text I also end with an x. He
  predictably does the same, we are of course on
  equal footing. And that's when I yank the
  carpet from underneath! My x's stop abruptly.
  my text partner is suddenly caught off-guard
  "why?" he asks "why did the x's stop?" but that
  doesn't matter to me, all that matters is the
  next text. If it ends with no x to be seen, I
  know I have won. I have all the power, and have
  made him subservient to my superior willpower.
  Afterwards, I might have a wank."


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Springwatch Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show us birds
  nesting in unusual places. You ignored 
  this, but that's fine.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SNATCH: cute chick trio devastated by
    sneak attack (E Dubya) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10783520 

  * BOG: rare photos of the lesser-spotted
    toilet duck's nesting arrangements
    (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10786544
  
  * SHARK: classic shark/chopper 
    interaction reappears in a new 
    challenge (mediocre) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10783935
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/springwatch/


  >> New challenge: DPRK UK <<
  It's time for a new government. This 
  week's challenge is to show us what the 
  UK would look like if North Korea's Kim 
  dynasty were in charge, with all its 
  propaganda, mass games and general 
  strangeness
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/northkorea-uk/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TANS WRITE SILLY REVIEWS ON NAZI UNIFORM -
  we linked this last week and we're pleased you
  all did a good job adding reviews. "what
  self-respecting over-12 would want to attend a
  party without the stain of the Holocaust
  resting on them" & "This uniform is brilliant.
  It's so realistic, I have been banned from
  visiting both the old-aged care home and our
  local synagogue."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004871HB2/b3ta-21


  * DARKLORD ONE YEAR ON - many of us still miss
  b3ta boarder Darklord and we're pleased to see
  musicians Luke Soloman & Jon Marsh of The
  Beloved making a tribute song for him.
http://bit.ly/LLbSOR

  
  * REPAIRING TRAINERS - anthony.attwood writes,
  "Re: holes in shoes. When I was a teen
  skateboarder I would wear through shoes in
  weeks. Rather than buying new £50 trainers
  every month, I used Shoe Goo to repair them."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0030ZULM4/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COMMUNAL SINGING - every Sunday morning
  communities should get together and sing as
  one. Not dusty, old hymns but songs by Queen,
  Madness & Depeche Mode.

  * WHAT TO DO WITH OLD MEDIA - nilbert asks, "I
  have hundreds of video cassette tapes and their
  boxes. Can you ask your readers what I can do
  with them? Any good ideas will be considered."

  * B3TA ROUGH GUIDE - TimChuma asks, "Is there
  some kind of B3TA-related English travel guide
  for visitors from out of the country? I would
  like to be able to see Kunt and the Gang, Dan
  Bull, MJ Hibbett and the Validators, a Brian
  Blessed public appearance and other
  B3TA-related things while visiting."

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Sexy bumholes:   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Smelly bumholes: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by  rjvanvulpen,
  littlefeet, @dancall1, &#8207;@jamesmarshall42,
  @Simon_Pegg, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver,
  @matt_round, @benjymous, BrokenCoccyx,
  HappyToast, robneymcplum, tootla, mr.dogshit,
  sinisterduck, @GigerPunk.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Top tips via A Vagabond.
  Subjlols via @IamHappyToast

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  TOP TIP:
  Avoid that "swimming against the tide" feeling
  by swimming with the tide.

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