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NEWSLETTER: "B3TA UNACCOUNTABLY SILENT WHILE BEACH VOLLEYBALL IN PROGRESS"

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This Week:
* READ - Best editorial ever
* AMAZON TAT - Print of woman rejecting food
* VIDEO - Dancing walrus

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving biscuits    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   in a tax efficient 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ISA... together"

B3ta email 540  - 3 Aug 2012

Read this issue whilst doing a poo:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue540 

   Winners :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Whiners : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Cards so slick they should have been in Team GB 

  Run as fast as Jessica Ennis over to BrainBox
  Candy to check them out for yourself and
  receive a free bonus card with every order!
  Warning these cards are big and clever and are
  guaranteed to make you like well popular with
  your friends! 
http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Best editorial ever <<
  Chris Shaw (known in B3tan lore for his crank
  letters to his local paper) edits a B2B
  magazine. He recently asked, "writing an
  uninspiring Comment for the August issue. Help
  me spice it up by giving me some 'words'."
  Suggestions included, "Flibbertigibbet,
  skulduggery, shenanigans, erstwhile, solitude,
  protagonist, equine, duplicity, meretricious,
  louche, preposterous, haptic, schlep,
  splendiferous, mendacious, acquiescent, rotund,
  constant, henceforth and time machine." Chris
  replied, "Done it.  It reads like the ramblings
  of an egotistic maniac  but they're all in
  there!" Extraordinary laugh out loud stuff.
http://tinyurl.com/bmq5a43


  >> Cat Face : Sports Day <<
  "Nothing to do with some other sporting event
  or anything like that I swear," hastens a
  worried Weebl.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_Face_Sports_Day


  >> Lovely summer's tune <<
  "An old friend & I spent yesterday afternoon
  writing & recording this song," explains Tab
  Hunter. "We only used acoustic instruments,
  recorded in one take. And drank a lot of wine.
  I was so pissed by the time we finished I
  couldn't remember actually playing the bass."
http://bit.ly/MhBMrG


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: AMAZON TAT
  Photographic Print of Woman rejecting a plate
  of food from Science Photo Library

  Best review? "I bought two of these and set
  them facing each other. When I sit in between
  them my head spins as the two women
  simultaneously reject the food, each other and,
  ultimately, the concept of reality itself. "
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001NJE6L6/b3ta-21


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Tantrums
 
  We wanted your stories of proper toddler-style
  foot-stomping tantrums. Everyone got so upset
  we had to give you a week off to calm down:
http://b3ta.com/questions/tantrums/

  * STICK - "When I was younger I was a very
  angry kid. One day I was playing Skooldaze 2 on
  my spectrum, using an old Atari joystick (the
  square one with one red button on the side). I
  was further in the game than I had ever been,
  when the joystick started to fuck up. Eric was
  firing his catapult randomly and sitting down
  etc. so I was getting told off and ended up
  getting too many lines and losing the game. I
  was livid. Absolutely fuming. I ripped the
  joystick out and started smashing it on the
  floor. It was however, unyielding as it had a
  rather thick plastic case. So I took the fucker
  outside onto the patio and tried to release all
  my rage by swinging it over my head as hard as
  I could and hopefully smashing it to tiny
  pieces. It hit the patio and bounced straight
  back and hit me square in the forehead. I
  nearly passed out. So did my brothers who were
  watching, but that was with laughter."
  (DumbMonkey)

  * MIRROR - "Like most 2 year-olds, my daughter
  was learning the standard tantrum positions
  quite well. The foot stomp. The exaggerated
  frown. The tears, the hysteria and the snotty
  nose. Her best move was lying on her back and
  kicking both legs up and down. An oldie but a
  goody. For maximum effect, best done in Mum &
  Dad's room in front of the mirrored wardrobe
  doors. We lost all sympathy when we busted her
  pausing in mid strop, to check out her own
  tantrum technique in the reflection." (Simian
  Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd)
 
  * EYE - "While working in a school for children
  with severe learning disabilities, I saw one
  angry kid take out his glass eye and throw it
  at the kid who'd upset him. Apparently it was
  something he did regularly." (gypsy turnips)


  >> This Week - Screwed over by the man <<
  Your own Ginger Fuhrer once made a flash
  animation for a record company that was taken
  down by the same company for copyright
  infringement. How have you been screwed over by
  the man?
http://b3ta.com/questions/screwedover/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Short but accurate Salvia comic <<
  Dr Strange writes, "Did b3ta readers buy that
  Salvia I pointed out was available on Amazon?
  I've got some 40x strength and it was almost
  exactly like this. Except without the eye."
http://www.treecomics.com/salvia/


  >> Occupy Disneyland <<
  &#8207;@qwghlm writes, "This hypothetical military
  invasion of the castle in Disneyland was
  fascinating."  Also maybe not so theoretical
  considering the week of police / public
  disorder a few blocks away in Anaheim.
http://b.qr.ae/LA2qAd 


  >> Mental animation <<
  Made us a bit nostalgic for the early 2000s
  when the formular for a web hit was 1. make it
  mucky 2. Make it baffling (possibly foreign)
  and 3. fit it to the beat. Extremely NFSW.
http://ss.hakd.org/10r.swf


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: SPONSORED LINK
  New fighting fantasy book! Really!

  Ben Broomfield writes, "If you haven't got a
  sponsored link this week can I suggest the NEW
  fighting fantasy book that's just come out,
  'Blood Of The Zombies'. Just like being 15
  again."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1848314051/b3ta-21


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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
  _WashingMachine
  
  Example tweets include:
  
  "FUCKING HATE BEDLINEN DAY. 90° WASH? PISS
  RIGHT OFF. MIGHT SNEAK A RED TOWEL INTO THE
  WHITES WASH TO FUCK ABOUT FOR A BIT."

  "THEY LEFT THE BLOODY KITCHEN LIGHT ON AGAIN
  AND THE CAT IS LICKING ITS BOLLOCKS WHILST
  SITTING ON MY HEAD. FUCKING BRILLIANT."

  "SHIT ME, 1,000 FOLLOWERS?! WAIT 'TIL THE
  DICKHEAD TOASTER HEARS ABOUT THAT. THANK YOU
  HUMANS."
https://twitter.com/_WashingMachine
  

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV and Ceefax combined in one magic combo

  >> Creepy story about a guy attracted to his sister <<
  Bloke shares a reddit-style confession about
  lusting after his smoking-hot sister. 
http://bit.ly/PKcraL


  >> Man talking to Turkeys <<
  Things are always funnier when there's someone
  in the video, killing themselves with laughter.
  We may head to a turkey farm and try this
  ourselves; may be the closest you can get to
  being a Hitler at a Nuremberg Rally.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_talking_to_Turkeys


  >> Fake your own terror alert <<
  Snickering nerds set up a Technicolour bomb
  hoax. Before you get alarmed, yes, it's very
  much a fake vid. The bomb squad tends to check
  before just detonating things willy-nilly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ux5nUGSuGw


  >> Dancing walrus <<
  If you wonder whether reincarnation is real
  and, simultaneously, are worried about Michael
  Jackson's karmic fate... Both questions
  answered here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__PWLU97w_c


  >> Local business viral vid <<
  Is this deliberately bad, to make us click it
  more? Poor old Trev just wants to look
  trustworthy and sell some carpets, but the
  director clearly has other ambitions.
http://youtu.be/ljApTKJfYqg 


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: FRIDAY GAME
  ASCIIvania

  Meepmeep writes, "Use letters to make words.
  Open areas to collect new letters. Try and
  complete the alphabet. Cracking little Friday
  game."
http://www.kongregate.com/games/gharding3/asciivania


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A SOLUTION TO THE WORLD'S CLIMATE PROBLEMS
  THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE KILLING ABOUT 6.9 BILLION
  PEOPLE

  * A REPLACEMENT FOR CAPITALISM THAT DOESN'T
  DEMAND MOST OF THE PEOPLE LIVE IN POVERTY
  
  * BUTTERY TOAST THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FAT

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Loyalists: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Traitors:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Stashie, &#8207;@zappdos,
  @tjpocock, &#8207;@JonMorter Image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Enzyme.
  
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  TIP #1

  Clean the crap off your windscreen wiper blades
  with paper towels and vinegar. Makes them clear
  the windscreen much better. And makes your car
  smell like chips. (&#8207;@PaulHartshorne)

  TIP #2
  Dried-on food stuck inside microwave
  following an exploding stew? Put a half-filled
  bowl of water in. Full power 4 mins. It
  steam-cleans it and you can then wipe off any
  gunk with ease. (JudgeDewie)

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