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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND MAKES INCREASINGLY ELDERLY PEOPLE DO MODERATE CHUCKLES?"

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This Week: 
* AN IMAGE CHALLENGE WITH 160 ENTRIES - Hooray!
* EGGPOD SUMMER EVENT - Tickets now on sale
* AGAIN A WEIRDLY BURSTING FOLLOW UPS THING - why?
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "Can someone else please 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  save the web, we're very
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  tired... together"

B3ta snoozeletter 903 - 12th April 2024 

Read this issue in large print & reading glasses:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue903

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making their partners despair 

  * B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE 'HIT' - Occasionally we 
  do an image challenge that gets lots of 
  submissions and we can pretend it's 2004 and 
  B3ta is still relevant. This is NOW coz our 'Big 
  Screen Comedy Cameos' challenge has 160 entries 
  and counting. Do join in if you can find your 
  old COMPAQ laptop that still has your log-ins on 
  it. 
  https://b3ta.com/challenge/bigscreencomedycameos/p... 

  * THE EGG/DRAGON SONG - celebrate the end of 
  Easter with Koit's "new fable of the Egg and the 
  Dragon". 
https://b3ta.com/links/Egg_Dragon

  * EGGPOD SHOW TICKETS AVAILABLE - the B3ta 
  affiliated (hey, Chris is our friend) Beatles 
  podcast is doing their annual show this summer 
  on Saturday 6th July in Holland Opera Park , and 
  they've got Mark Lewisohn as a speaker. Make 
  sure you get your ticket to ride etc etc etc. 
https://eventbrite.co.uk/e/eggpod-live-2024-ticket...

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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
  It's a sale! Get in now! 

  Our sponsors Hebtroco have got a sale on - so if 
  you want some quality British clothes at 
  temporarily reduced prices now is the time to 
  buy. Ideal presents for the men in your life, or 
  even yourself. 
https://hebtro.co/its-a-sale/

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: FESSHOLE
  Confessions fessed up as a digestible content 

  Each week we ask you to confess and then feel 
  quite alarmed at the size of the task we've been 
  given to read all this stuff and pick out a few 
  to tweet. Our favs include: 

  * BLACK MAIL - "Created graphics for a large 
  food & drink company. It was used in their ads 
  all over TV & the internet. But they never paid 
  me. After 6 months of waiting to be paid, I very 
  briefly redirected the QR code in the ads to a 
  gay porn site. They paid me 5 minutes later, 
  plus late fees." 

  * IT'S A TRAP - "My daughter is mute, but signs, 
  people assume she's deaf, so they talk about 
  personal things in front of her, we get all the 
  gossip from her later." 

  * "WALKEEEEES!" - "Rescued a dog from Dogs Trust 
  in Liverpool. He didn't seem to understand us 
  much & we thought it was because he wasn't used 
  to the commands/words. Turns out he understands 
  us better when we talk in a Scouse accent, so 
  we've had to teach ourselves to speak Scouse for 
  the dog." 

  Follow the account that has 1/4 of the followers 
  that Gary Barlow has got. The shit. 
https://twitter.com/fesshole

  COME TO THE GIGS - We're coming to Dublin next 
  on the 18th and after that it's Northampton 
  (only 7 tickets left) and then Durham and 
  Brighton. BUY NOW. 
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

  Of course we need to mention the second book, 
  it's the yellow one and it's actually slightly 
  better than the first red one as the font is 
  slightly bigger. 
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Remember when the internet wasn't just 
  platforms? 

  * AN EVEN BETTER AI MUSIC THING THAN LAST WEEK - 
  this AI music thing is incredible/awful. 
  Infinite pap that sounds exactly like competent 
  music that you're not very interested in and 
  it's extraordinarily fun to play with. 
https://www.udio.com/songs/rr2dCyfqYZYE6jQpZUE7Rr

  * SOLAR SO GOOD - experience the excitement of 
  this week's solar eclipse in glorious HTML5, 
  then ask Dr Google about your eyes hurting to 
  complete the experience. 
https://stevegardner.hatch.one/2024-eclipse-simula...

  * STEVE REICH IN THE AFTERNOON - nice idea for a 
  video where a bloke hits a xylophone at 
  different intervals and loops it so that music 
  is created by it going in and out of sync. 
https://b3ta.com/links/A_man_hits_a_musical_instru...

  * VIRTUAL PARK 2000 - Forget about impending 
  doom for sixty seconds by sitting in a random 
  park and staring at a tree or a duck with this 
  realistic midlife lonely day out simulator. 
https://sites.elliott.computer/one-minute-park/

  * OK, FINE, HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WORDY GAME LINK - 
  this one about word association.  Could do with 
  the Mallett's Mallet noise when you get an 
  answer wrong or hesitate too much. 
https://chaindle.com

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: FOLLOW UPS
  Your replies to stuff in previous newsletters 

  * "RE: THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO SHIT IN A 
  LIFT" - UK_cougar writes, "A friend of mine, 
  bored with all the Buzzword Bingo Bollocks in a 
  meeting one day, blurted out 'well, I really 
  think we should ringfence the unicorn on this 
  one.'  Two things happened: 1) No-one batted an 
  eyelid, like this was a totally normal phrase to 
  drop into conversation. 2) Gloriously, it stuck. 
   Other people started using it in meetings, 
  everyone nodding sagely along like it was some 
  insightful insight rather than abject bobbins." 

  * B3TA LOTTERY PROPAGANDA ACCUSATION - 
  jeremyhurst3 complains, "As an experiment I 
  wanted to see how poor an investment the 
  Powerball is so I flashed up the Lottery 
  simulator as mentioned in a previous newsletter, 
  loaded it up with a million dollars, hit go and 
  went down the pub for a pint. Imagine my 
  surprise when I came back to find I'd won $3.6M. 
  It must be a fluke thought I so I did it again, 
  and this time I won $1.67M. The point is that 
  I'm still up on my million bucks so it's not 
  exactly telling me that gambling is stupid is 
  it? Either the programming of this is shit, or 
  it's a secret plot to try to get me buying 
  Powerball tickets for real. Either way you can 
  keep it. Gambling is for losers." SORRY! 

  * GAME FEEDBACK - Po.Studio writes, "Thanks for 
  posting my word game, Riddler. I hadn't heard of 
  Jotto or Acrophobia. Both are interesting. 
  Riddler is essentially a word ladder. Let me 
  know if you have any suggestions. Glad I 
  discovered b3ta!" 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Word_ladder

  * POSTSECRET - Andrewandrew24766 suggests a 
  "Longread about your American Fesshole 
  doppleganger. I don't suppose you can match his 
  story's pathos, narrative arc or profundity, but 
  you've got 1m followers on Twitter and he's only 
  got 391,000, so I guess you win." We think the 
  big difference is that we publish many more 
  things that are meant to amuse - ours is a 
  comedy project which edges into occasional 
  tragedy - his is more arty and less jokes - this 
  probably reflects our differing tastes. Maybe 
  everyone should run their own take on this 
  project and see how they come out different - 
  and they would come out different because 
  editorial choices matter. 
https://hazlitt.net/longreads/dark-matter

  * AGES AGO WE LAUNCHED GEOCITIES GIF BOT - 
  amused that it's spat out a random gif that's 
  done hashtag numbers. Not safe for work, if you 
  work in a graveyard. 
https://twitter.com/geocitiesgifbot/status/1776929...

  That's the second weirdly bursting follow-ups 
  section in a row - and frankly we quite like it 
  - do send us more feedback and messages please. 
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some ideas to kick you off 

  * RESEARCH CRAP OLD QR CODE TATTOOS - Purchase 
  and redirect all expired domains to a  "We've 
  Got Your Tattoo! We like donkeys, lalalalala!" 
  site. 

  * THIS FESSHOLE POST COULD BE AN USVSTH3M STYLE 
  INTERACTIVE - "As a gay man approaching 50, I 
  wondered what distance would be covered if I 
  could lay all the dick I've sucked in my 
  lifetime, end to end. Assuming an average of 6" 
  per cock I was disappointed to find out it only 
  adds up to 208 metres." Build it and they will 
  cum. 

  * HOW OUT OF TOUCH ARE YOU WITH MODERN POP - 
  write a quiz that picks 10 random songs from the 
  current top 100 and asks you to identify them 
  and then says you know nothing daddio, you ain't 
  hip to the kids. 

  Go on, make stuff and tell us about it. We are 
  the spider that sits in the middle of a 
  sprawling creative universe. 
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically. 

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK 
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON 
  JAMES* *STOOBERT* 

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN 
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS 
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE 
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY, 
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW, 
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH 

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright, 
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam 
  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian 
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy 
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna, 
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster, 
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister, 
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien 
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss, 
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David 
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law, 
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith 
  H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor 
  Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus 
  Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain 
  Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James 
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason 
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim 
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe 
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John 
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude 
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad 
  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway, 
  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt 
  Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman, 
  Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler, 
  mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, 
  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul 
  Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter 
  Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington, 
  pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, 
  Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, 
  RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, 
  sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon 
  McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, 
  Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim 
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom 
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil 
  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood, 
  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough, 
  Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote, 
  Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey 
  Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John 
  Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne, 
  Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston, 
  James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, 
  Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, 
  Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig 
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will 
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green, 
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey, 
  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner 
  Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff, 
  Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam 
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David 
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre 
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor 
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan 
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph 
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul 
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient 
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark 
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, 
  Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy 
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben 
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of 
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John 
  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David 
  Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, 
  FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh 
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer 
  Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee 
  Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark 
  madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, 
  Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, 
  Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel 
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, 
  Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, 
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, 
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane, 
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase, 
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam 
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris 
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths, 
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria 
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt. 

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round 
  additional links; Monkeon for image challenge 
  help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing 
  by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (There's always room for 
  more plants - Kat) 

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim 
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek 
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger, 
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN 
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua 
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri 
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris 
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil 
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben 
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, 
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, 
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special 
  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST 
  - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel 
  Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant, 
  Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD, 
  and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil 
  McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And 
  Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and 
  PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich 
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to 
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you 
  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much 
  appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair 
  Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg 
  Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker, 
  Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE 
  YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian 
  Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank 
  you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson, 
  Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS 
  THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub. 
  BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt & 
  JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell 
  and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka 
  Mikec, 
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.

  And do please donate as you get occasional 
  "bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a 
  couple of bits recently, do sign up. 
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

  Like Liz Truss, we too are victims of the Deep 
  State, who've conspired to prevent the B3ta 
  newsletter having more subscribers. Take a blow 
  against the unelected blob by telling your 
  friends to sign up. 
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/

-------------------------------------------------

: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'SECRET MILK' FESSHOLE

  "Sat with my wife and we were watching a 
  programme where the husband drank milk direct 
  from the container in the fridge. She commented 
  how she would divorce me if I ever did that. 
  I've managed 26yrs so far without being caught." 

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