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This Week:
* ANIM - Morrissey on Linda McCartney
* QUIZ - Coder or killer
* FRUIT - Secrets of the dollhouse

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web ... together"

B3ta email 99 - 1st Aug 2003

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  Morrissey, Quiz, Tips, Shopping, Kittens & Arse

  >> Morrissey is back <<
  "You might not have heard from me for
  a few years," honks Morrissey, "I've been
  in LA with Mexicans. I've also made a tribute
  to Linda McCartney. Better late than never,
  I suppose." BTW: He might have been helped
  by Richard Crawford. A lot.

  >> Coder or killer <<
  "I've made a quiz," barks Malevole, "It was
  inspired by half the pics on programming book
  covers looking like something from Crimewatch."
  Beautiful design. Ugly people.

  >> Top tips tested <<
  You might have noticed that at the end of every
  issue we feature a handy hint sent in by a
  reader. Usually we don't know if they work or
  not - only that they're good. So we were really
  pleased when b3ta regular Wifey tried out our
  suggestion to get dents out of carpet with an
  ice cube. "It works!" she reports. Woo!

  >> Shopping tribute <<
  We love shopping. It fills the aching void in our
  lives. So does Bovine. Likes shopping, that is.
  You'll be impressed by his enthusiastic vocal

  >> Kitten memory game <<
  "What about a nice Memory Game?" shrugs
  Gallic contributor Yomgaille, "featuring kittens?"
  But of course. Le woo. 

  >> Arse gallery <<
  "I recently became obsessed," leers Lancey, "with
  taking photos of statues' arses while I was
  backpacking - and now I want contributions
  from the rest of the world." Stone, marble, bronze
  - he doesn't care as long as it's hard and cold.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Is this real? <<
  Scott Wright and Helen Coppard are getting
  married and they want the whole world to know.
  Their site is a masterpiece of slick design.
  But is it too good to be true? Who has time
  to organise that when they're sorting out a
  wedding? We spent a good half hour debating
  whether it's a promotion for yet another reality
  show. Why not discuss it among yourselves?
  And we'll video you for our new reality show.

  >> Anal trippy fruit adventure <<
  We were amazed by this. It's a bit like
  Fantastic Voyage but in reverse: with shrunken
  things outside people's bodies. Well, not really.
  Keep clicking 'next' - it gets better.

  >> Man... or giant robot dog? <<
  This is a bloke who makes amazing sci-fi costumes.
  Here he talks us through how he constructed a big
  robot dog suit. Our favourite picture is the one
  of him standing proudly in his kitchen wearing
  enormous cyber-flares.

  >> Cat game compendium <<
  Fucking Japs, coming over here, taking our
  jobs, making beautifully detailed games
  involving kittens. Damn them all to hell.
  Let's drop another bomb.

  >> Fat bastard <<
  The ideal hobby for nerds stuck in front of a
  computer all day - see how big you can get your
  stomach. This bloke's way out in front. We,
  on the other hand, are like Greek gods. With
  snakes for hair. Mmm. Hiss.


  Results from the New Uses for Children Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted new uses for children:

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Bud Muhnquai' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Mr Muhnquai writes -

  #1 "Scarecrow - well executed and possibly the
     most sinister image I've ever seen. Imagine
     him out there all night.. (Zak McFlimby)

  #2 "Psychic Assassins - I love the idea of babies
      ending wars with one simple call. (Dan Jaw)

  #3 "Crash Test Kid - the look on his little face
     as it smashes into the window made me warm
     inside. Hmmm. Meat." (StrangeOne)

  And a special mention to SkaSlut for a pic that
  made me laugh like a drain.

  >> This Weeks Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor Freddy Woo gave us
  the suggestion, "Regrettable Special Offers"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WANK DATA JUST IN - last week we asked you
    about your masturbatory habits. The responses
    have been pouring in. Apparently 19% of you
    have masturbated over one of your family
    members. Whether that's physically or mentally
    is a matter for solitary speculation.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WHAT'S INSIDE MOLES? Our mum told us not to
    pull them off, but that doesn't stop us
    getting you to do it.

  * RADIO STUFF -  We're doing a radio show and
    we need stuff that wouldn't normally get
    airplay. We've already got 60s anti-abortion
    songs, Norwegian Teletubbies  and Abba in
    Hindi. What have you got? Send us your links. 
  * MORE STUFF - we can make you famous, as Jon
    Bon Jovi says in Young Guns. But without the

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with 
  Nick Cory-Wright & David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Stewart Birch, Artamnesia,
  Jonti Picking OB1 and Foster.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Top tippery from Ian Vince.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the lissom b4ta lovelies. (68875)


  Handy tip: To hide scratches on polished wood,
  crack open a walnut, discard the shell and
  gently rub the oily inside of the nut itself
  on the affected area. The oils in the walnut
  will help to conceal the scratch.

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