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» Pet Stories

My friend used to have a cat
When she'd tell people this they'd say 'oh, did it die then?' and she'd say 'no, it blew away'.

It was out in the garden during the hurricane of '87, and they saw it sail away over the garden wall, never to be seen again.

She doesn't understand why other people find this hilarious.
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 11:16, More)

» Crappy Prizes

Lego
My friend Chris entered a Lego competition when he was a kid. The idea was to build something cool out of Lego and I s'ppose the winning design actually got made into a proper set or something.

Anyway, Chris got through the regional heat with his amazing creation, and went onto the national level competition. Each kid got an hour or so to build their Lego thing out of the bricks supplied, and you were allowed to take all the bricks you used home with you.

However, there was a snag. Chris had built his thing out of the rarer Lego bricks (space stuff or something) and only standard bricks were available at this event. He couldn't build his regional-award-winning creation out of these, and he knew he didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of beating the other kids without his special Lego.

So what did he do? He built a huge box out of Lego and filled it with bricks. And took them home.
(Thu 4th Aug 2005, 14:42, More)

» Toilets

Signs
When I was travelling I look a few pics of toilet signs that amused me.

Cambodia: showing you how to sit on the loo.



New Zealand: where to put your loo paper



Cambodia again, a sign to the toilet.



This last one perplexed me somewhat, until I went to the toilet and did indeed encounter a number of live crocodiles on the way.
(Sun 4th Sep 2005, 15:47, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Christian pervert
I was told this story by a very well-known Christian preacher at a religious festival thing.

He'd got in a lift with his assistant and stood at the back, facing forward as one normally does. His assistant whispered to him that he'd noticed his flies were undone so now would be a good time to do them up.

However, the lift was fairly full and there was a woman wearing a long floaty scarf standing directly in front of the preacher. As he tried to do his flies up, the scarf got caught. The lift then stopped, and the woman started to walk out.

So he grabbed her and said 'wait a minute, I've got to do this'. Whereupon she turned round and was greeted with the site of an internationally renowned Christian preacher struggling to get his zip undone. Class.
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 11:33, More)

» Missing body parts

Missing boob
I used to work with someone who only had one boob (breast cancer had resulted in the loss of the other one). Being quite a well-endowed woman, she wore a large fake one to balance herself out.

One morning, she came dashing into my office, looking awfully lopsided, and shouting 'I've forgotten my boob!' It was too far to go home to fetch it, so she wrapped some bubble wrap in a duster and stuffed that in instead. It crackled when she moved.

Epilogue: she since had reconstructive surgery, meaning I could employ that rarely-used phrase 'Your new boob looks great!'
(Mon 5th Jun 2006, 23:59, More)