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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 108: "THE WORST FOOD YOU'VE EVER COOKED"

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This Week:
* TOY - Booze calculator
* RATHERGOOD - Rude hedgehogs
* STUPID NAMES - Friends of Martin Wank

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web ... together"

B3ta email 108 - 10 Oct 2003

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue108/

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: B3TA HALLOWEEN PARTY
  31st October - if you couldn't guess

  Huzzah. For we are the bringers of not just
  links but fine parties filled with boozes
  and this time, t-shirts.
  
  Yep. We've made 100 t-shirts with cool little
  pixely bears printed on them. £10 to you squire.
  And don't email us about it - we're not selling
  them online.

  Anyway. Come. It's going to rock.
http://www2.b3ta.com/party/halloween2003.gif


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 

  >> Booze calculator <<
  Ever wondered where all your money goes? Could
  it be you're spending it on booze? Ugly has
  made a calculator so you can see just how much
  you've drunk over the years and how many
  Ferraris you could have bought instead. 
http://www.iondesign.net/drinkometer/


  >> Rude hedgehogs <<
  Penguin maestro Joel Veitch has switched his
  attentions to hedgehogs. He's knocked out this
  charming but profane reworking of Bobby
  Macferrin's 'Thinking About Your Body.' Woo. 
http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/


  >> 9/11 Spookiness <<
  Jboom claims to have found a Dilbert cartoon
  from September the 11th 2001. We can't tell if
  he's pulling our leg but it did send a chill
  down our spine. 
http://b3ta.com/board/2101816


  >> Gangrenous hand <<
  From the students who brought you shit on a
  plate comes ElectricHamster's "I've caught
  foot-and-mouth and now it looks like a world
  map." He's right, too. Scummy bastard.
http://electrichamster.net/treasuremap/


  >> Cactus dad <<
  "I gave myself a three day challenge," points
  out Mushybees, "and made a wee film about
  two slovenly cacti." Yay. The stupid
  dialogue made us giggle. A lot.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/dirty.sanchez/cactus01.htm


  >> Spooky eyes <<
  This is bloody disturbing. Limpfish has made a
  strange little animation about stolen eyes.
  Brrr.
http://www.limpfish.com/theystolemyeyes/


  >> Victorian smackhead <<
  Jonti has been taking heroin. He's recorded
  his experiences in the medium of flash.
  You should do the same.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/23/


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: THE WORST FOOD YOU'VE EVER COOKED
  Our question of the week

  This week we've been asking the boarders
  about the most disgusting food they've 
  ever attempted to cook.

  Jesus Christ you've turned our stomachs. From
  the scummy student recipes like margarine and
  ketchup, to the guy who lives on pigeons, you
  bring new meaning to the word omnivore.

  This is a long read but worth it.
http://b3ta.com/board/2114132


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: STUPID NAME CORNER  

  Last week we introduced you to Martin Wank
  and Gaye Males. This week say hello to:

  >> Wan Kin Too <<
  An alumnus of Wah Yan College Hong Kong,
  when we saw his photo we were Wan Kin Too.
http://home.att.net/~hschan/wsb/html/159967/view.cgi-.html


  >> Rodger Bumpass <<
  Celebrated Voiceover artist Rodger is best-known
  as the voice of TV's Squidward Tentacles. Also
  other cartoon squids.
http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0120309/


  >> Gay Search <<
  Radio Times Gardening Editor Gay Search has
  the best name. She is the author of the book The
  Impatient Gardener. Not The Uphill Gardener.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/gardening/tv_radio/celebrities/gay_search/


  And honorable mentions must go to Brighton
  Bears player Randy Duck, San Juan County
  Prosecuting Attorney Randy Gaylord and
  the general manager for the Microsoft
  Hardware Division Randy Ringer. No more
  Randy’s please.


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Fast show Jap Porn <<
  The Fast Show was brilliant, but some people
  like it too much. Otherwise, how do you explain
  this gallery of your favourite comic characters
  reworked into gay cartoon porn. Hooray.
http://japanimatedfastshow.homestead.com/xxx.html


  >> Keef Speaks <<
  We all love Keef Richards. He invented rock
  and roll. Or at least the good bits with smack
  and booze. His site is a bit of a treat. Best bit?
  The Ask Keith section where you can hear his
  responses to questions posed by fans. The answers
  are a nice mixture of cosmic and vague in Keef's
  own inimitable style: veering from slightly posh
  to awright guv'na, from animated high tone to a
  low slurring grumble, 80-a-day cackles, pauses,
  mumbling, occasionally sparking one up, bizarre
  observations, his own 'cat & chicks' vocabulary
  etc. He could teach Weebl and Bob a thing or
  two about mumbling.
http://www.keithrichards.com


  >> Playmobil Porn <<
  We asked for weird porn. We're not sure this
  is porn or just some strange gynecological
  exercise. Playmobil figures Vs Vagina. Vagina
  wins. But with pics like these we're all
  winners. Warning: close-up vaginal photography.
http://users.skynet.be/treet.ta-tra/playmobiel.html


  >> "I eat soap" <<
  Why is it that the names of soap and shampoos
  sound more like dinner than detergent? This man
  makes the logical leap and tests the taste of
  soap. Rather than wash his hair in mince,
  as we would have done.
http://www.zug.com/pranks/natural/


  >> Grapes of fiery madness <<
  What happens when you put a grape in the
  microwave? You wouldn't think it would combust
  in a ball of blazing plasma. But it does, as
  demonstrated by this genius child. Blame
  the teachers.
http://www.scienceyear.com/sciteach/activities/c4_movies/grape.html


  >> Disorientating yet pacey Flash <<
  This is the closest thing to a mental breakdown
  we've experienced in Flash. We think it's
  something to do with U.S history. But frankly,
  it was so peculiar that we totally lost the plot
  and sat hypnotised by the flashing lights and
  squeaky voices. Fantastic stuff.
http://uwizone.com/theboards/showthread.php?s=&threadid=3933


  >> Tetris Vs Pipe Mania <<
  Popcap rule when it comes to online games that
  you can pick up in minutes - and have to be
  prized from your cold dead hand to stop you
  playing. Yay for companies that understand
  that gameplay is all that matters.
http://www.popcap.com/gamepopup.php?theGame=rocketmania


  >> Shit web design of the week <<
  "we thought we'd show you," opines Nicole Forster,
  "what top notch web design companies we have in
  Australia." Indeed we are in your debt. The intro
  screen with voiceover is only the beginning of a
  multimedia treat.
http://www.spank.com.au/


  >> Wired Spacker Gaff <<
  "Call them spackers", writes Wired, "they're the
  new breed of computer crackers who earn a living
  in cahoots with spammers." Blimey. That's a bit harsh.
http://www.wired.com/news/business/0,1367,60747,00.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Ninja Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to play with ninjas:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ninjas/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Reverend Dan' to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  The Rev. Dan writes -


  #1 "Ninja Pilots - It was a really tough
     challenge this week with lots of fantastic
     entries, but this just made me laugh more
     than anything else. Marvellous! (schminkypinky)
http://b3ta.com/board/2091115

  #2 "Ninjaholics Anonymous - A simple idea,
     beautifully accomplished. Sent a shiver
     down my spine. (Haku)
http://b3ta.com/board/2093272

  #3 "The Best Thing Since... - I love this, and it
     promotes the non-flipping-out-and-killing-people
     side of ninjas which can only be a good thing."
     (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://b3ta.com/board/2108034


  "Oh, and the Reverend Dan Award for Decapitation
  this week goes to Zak McFlimby - this was the
  first entry in this challenge but is still the
  most, ahem, 'perfectly executed'."
http://b3ta.com/board/2087507


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor 'Indole Ring' gave us
  the suggestion, "Budget cuts - how things would
  look if they had to be much cheaper?"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/budgetcuts/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.


  * TRAFFIC LIGHT WARS - has said goodbye with
    its 75th and final episode. 
http://www.trafficlightwars.co.uk/


  * LAST WEEK'S TIP WRONG - Thousands of people
    pointed out that we mistakenly said flu was
    caused by a bacterium. We would like to
    apologise to bacteria. Flu is caused by a
    virus.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DANGEROUS SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS - preferably
    with plasma.

  * B3TA FREAKS - are you a bearded lady? Or
    just very off-looking? We'd like to make you
    famous.

  * FAKE HARDWARE PROJECTS - what can you get
    Slashdot to believe? A Beowulf cluster
    of C64s? GPRS pants? A guide to installing
    Linux on a kitten?
    

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Kim Plowright, johnny
  (cheers for the nice Keef phrasing), munkehwill,
  rob horsefield, (_!_)_This_is_your_ass,
  Zyk0tiK, and Haddock.
  Stupid names from miketynan, jeffcapeshop,
  vulga, martin_bailey, and the person who sent
  in Rodger Bumpass & Randy Ringer whose email
  we lost.
  Top tippery from workboresme.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the special b4ta scopers. (70475)

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  TOP TIP:
  When having guests over but can't be arsed to
  clean, just spray furniture polish into the air.
  It smells like you spent all day cleaning   
  just for them.

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