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The worst food I ever cooked

Back when I was a student with Joel I once attempted a Spaghetti Bolognese. I had mince, I had spaghetti but I had no sauce. I improvised. I used half a jar of Branston Pickle.

Joel described it as 'almost uneatable' but ate it anyway.

Can you beat this? (Best stories will be used for Fridays radio show.)

(

rob, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:27, archived)

aldi's ketchup +

i can't believe it's not butter = pasta sauce.

(

stouffer, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:29, archived)

when i die of brain poisoning

it'll be the aldi 'meat' pies that did it

(

new_matt, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:35, archived)

have

you ever had the lasagne pies? they are odd. one day i'm going to have one of those microwave donner kebabs.

(

stouffer, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:37, archived)

Don't

The're awful!

(Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez is seriously considering a shorter username, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:39, archived)

DONT!

Its not worth it. Go to Samsuns just down from your house.

(thediscokingpin, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:43, archived)

is that the

one near the godawful establishment (formally the ark)? me and me mate once got kebabs from there and sat down over the way to eat 'em. then another bloke came out, crossed the road and said 'is this where you eat the kebabs?'
'um, yes' we replied. what a shit anecdote. i swear it was funny at the time.

(

stouffer, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:47, archived)

A mate was looked at flat

in the student village in manchester, afterwards he was hungry and went to monsoons and got a kebab.
At the moment he was about to start eating it a pigeon flew in and shat in his kebab. True story, i swear.

(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 11:41, archived)

oh gods

i've had microwaved kebab. i shudder at the recollection

(

new_matt, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:52, archived)

Aldi produce

I once bought the Aldi brand caviar. It was one pound fifty so I thought I should try it just the once. The first mouthful, spread lightly on a cracker, made me vomit for a good ten minutes.
Later on I checked the jar to find that instead of sturgeon eggs, Aldi caviar is made from halibut eggs.

(

Zuowan, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 21:00, archived)

Of course I can't beat that...

...even as a child I wouldn't have been stupid enough to make spaghetti bolognese with branston pickle.

(

Mystery_Bob, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:29, archived)

I would have used baked beans

(

CranberryArmadillo, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:29, archived)

ERROR!!!

The Pasta and Baked Beans combo is a fuckin' wrong'un. Avoid at all costs!

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Fri 10 Oct 2003, 17:50, archived)

LIES

Mince + beans + pasta + (randon herbs and spices your housemates with Jamie Oliver aspirations keep in the cupboard) = Edible.

I should know, I LIVED OFF IT FOR THREE YEARS.

I have no shame.

(MrPSB, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 21:50, archived)

i made scones with

half an ounce of salt and a pinch of sugar. I was eight at the time.

(

butchbint, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:29, archived)

i made scones with half a pound of salt

i was a baker at the time. this is true

(

new_matt, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:32, archived)

You were never a master baker though, were you?

Half a pound? Crivens! Even the birds wouldn't eat my scones. They rotted on the birdtable. That's the only time that ever happened.

(

butchbint, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:35, archived)

i was an assistant to the master baker

and have an apron to prove it. i wanted to do "bakery and yeast management"* at university. it's a 4 year sandwich course

*this was really a course at UMIST

(

new_matt, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:36, archived)

Yay!

Yeast management? Ew...

(

butchbint, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:41, archived)

I will be working with yeast full time in my next job.

100% of dull FACT.

(

Baz Fuck off, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:44, archived)

Someone I know

works for someone who is an innovator in the whole brewing industry.Does stuff with yeast apparently.

(

butchbint, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:46, archived)

my feet

have a nice yeast infection

(LazyBastard, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:52, archived)

Are you going to be a

gynaecologist?

*ducks, runs*

(

azerty, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:59, archived)

I did that.

I swiftly grew to hate the little budding fuckers.

(

MissPrism, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:05, archived)

arf!

sandwich.. arf!

(

popt_art, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:44, archived)

i'm glad someone appreciated it

;)

(

new_matt, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:49, archived)

Sandwich Course !

Arf Arf !

(

The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:51, archived)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*breathes* SANDWICH!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(

Baz Fuck off, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:55, archived)

sandwich course....

Groan!

(No6, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 13:42, archived)

At primary school My Brother

Made a carrot cake with 1/4 cup of baking soda insetad of a tsp!
It exploded! his cooking teacher felt so sorry for him she baked one at home and gave it to him the next day.

(

Weevilgrl, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 1:34, archived)

gave it to him!

fnarrrr!

(

caldini Have you seen my polar bear?, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 3:21, archived)

no but my sister

cooked me a pizza once in the oven then turned it over to cook the crust...

...hmmm

(

raver, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:30, archived)

A friend of mine

put the teabag in the kettle and then boiled the water.

(

butchbint, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:31, archived)

really?

it sounds like a viz top tip.

(

rob, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:31, archived)

yup

it was for her Brownies Hostess Badge.

(

butchbint, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:32, archived)

Maybe I'm sick depraved individual,

but the idea of a Brownie's "hostess" badge sounds a bit pervy to me.

(

Baz Fuck off, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:33, archived)

We had to successfully manage

three prostitutes for a week.

(

butchbint, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:39, archived)

'maybe'?

(

MizEmma, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:40, archived)

the standards are really slipping

at the brownies.

(

rob, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:33, archived)

Shocking isn't it?

She also cooked burgers straught on the oven shelf, they dripped through the wire and formed a burnt brown puddle on the bottom of the oven. Brown Owl gave her a good thrashing for that.

(

butchbint, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:36, archived)

At Guides

we had a ready steady cook challenge, you know, to make something with a loada ingredients. We had mountains of sandwiches with food colouring, meat and squirty cream. Nice!

(Pocahontus the Mermaid with Wings, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 22:40, archived)

yep

i was bloody hungry and endured a tomato flavoured crust coz all the toppings had fallen off. unsurprisingly.

(

raver, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:33, archived)

common sense

saves washing up

(

raver, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:32, archived)

hahaha

my sister puts old people in homes for doing that sort of thing!

(

icezebra *insert large monkey*, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:37, archived)

why don't people do that?

(Ellis, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:37, archived)

because you need to put the tea

in boiling water or the flavour doesn't come out.
I've never drunk tea and even I know that!

(

butchbint, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:40, archived)

but

the water would be boiling no?

(Ellis, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:46, archived)

You need to put the tea in boiling water.

Not cold water.

(

butchbint, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:47, archived)

but

if it boiled, it would be boiling? what if you just dropped them in?

(Ellis, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:57, archived)

Tannin

Have you ever seen the inside of a teapot?

Yuk.

You can't stick your kettle in the wish dosher after you've used it like you can a teapot.

(NiceButDim it wasn't me, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:24, archived)

you'd have to clean the kettle

instead of a mug. Much trickier.

(

butchbint, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 13:01, archived)

Reminds me

of the time I burned my tea. I left the bag in the water and left it to boil whilst doing computer things. Forgot about it until a half hour later when the smoke alarm went off because the tea bag was smoldering (not quite on fire) and burned on to the kettle.

I'm now much more experienced at tea-making...

(WhatNow, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 2:48, archived)

You want

BS-6008 certification. No, really.

(

Fronds are waving gently on, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 11:55, archived)

Tuna

Tomato Ketchup
Pasta
Black Pepper

(Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez is seriously considering a shorter username, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:30, archived)

Don't have a story, but thought I might suggest

you contact Sarah Cox to see if she wants to co-present - she's recently taken a pay cut..

(

beaubodor blogless, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:31, archived)

well deserved too

she shouts too much

(

rob, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:33, archived)

COX?

Sucker.

(

mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:12, archived)

my brother made me drink his wee

he told me it was apple juice and i had a cold and hardly any taste buds in a healthy state

(

Sunshine Elephant, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:31, archived)

Eughhhhhhh

(Tabilda Been away a LONG time *grovels*, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:38, archived)

Siblings are shit aren't they....

I'm the youngest of six brothers so i bet you can guess how varied the torture was that i recieved.....

(No6, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 14:05, archived)

Chicken, mayo & bananna sandwich

Lovely!

(Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez is seriously considering a shorter username, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:32, archived)

when i was 12

i made a chicken vindaloo, but instead of using two cloves of garlic, i used two bushels (or whatever they're called). it was... unique.

(faster, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:32, archived)

bulbs

(

new_matt, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:34, archived)

why thankyou

learn something every day here.

(faster, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:34, archived)

My girlfriend enjoys

Borsin and Raw Onion sandwhiches. Usually just before bed!

(Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez is seriously considering a shorter username, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:36, archived)

Um.

I think she's trying to tell you something.

(

Baz Fuck off, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:38, archived)

Yep!

(Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez is seriously considering a shorter username, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:40, archived)

Either that or she's

pregnant.

(

sp3ccylad carries on breathing all the way up to, say, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:33, archived)

Is that the

Boursin with herbs? sounds rather nice, but possibly not before bed though!

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Fri 10 Oct 2003, 17:59, archived)

not so mutch cooking.

but a bit of preperation.

remember walls big feast, back in the day when it was a big lolly, not todays mockery of a lolly.

well the best part was eating the icecream bit and leaving the chocolate center bit.
whe we did most of that and then rolled part of it in a nice freshly laid dogshit.

then the victim appeared and we all faked that we wer full up and did he want it? knowing full well that he was a greedy git.

to which he grabbed it a nd stuck it in his mouth, with a then grave realisation that it was not ice cream on the lolly.

(

Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:32, archived)

did he get ecoli

and die?

(

Happyperson, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:40, archived)

(

Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:40, archived)

That's fuckin' gross.

(

Just Juan Cornetto will take you to the lo-rider show n' flaunt ya on, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:43, archived)

Heehee

I once _nearly_ mistook a ball of cat poo for a malted milk ball.
Eating stuff off the floor is a risky habit

(

Whiffert Support the Free Balogna Movement!, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:56, archived)

Cat Wee

I once mistook some cats wee for wine when I was a kid and get a straw to suck it up.

(Andrew Gilfrin, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 18:51, archived)

I thought a slug wash chocolate

when I was three, I spat that out quick.

(

jiva nearly always up for a game of scrabble, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 9:25, archived)

A friend and I once took a late night mission to capture a pigeon from Trafalgar square, cook it in the halls of residence' communal kitchen and eat it.

We did, it was gross. It was messy and didn't stretch very far between 2 people. I've got more meat on my little finger, they're nothing more than a flying bag of bones.

(

Just Juan Cornetto will take you to the lo-rider show n' flaunt ya on, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:33, archived)

that really needs photos

(

rob, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:35, archived)

No evidence I'm afraid.

It was also 13 years ago, back when there actually were pigeons there. If I had known then how disease and pollution riddled they were I would never had done it. Ah, to be a scrounging student again...

My wife has eaten 3 live super-wriggly Panamanian worms before, it was for a tv competition thing. Her competitors ate a live crab, a huge raw fish eye and a raw slice of bull's testicle. - Yum.

(

Just Juan Cornetto will take you to the lo-rider show n' flaunt ya on, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:37, archived)

A council Bylaw

in Stevenage prohibits the feeding of pigeons in the town centre with a fine of up to £2500!

(Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez is seriously considering a shorter username, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:41, archived)

Fucking Tree Rat Vermin !

Unfortunately, in areas where there's a high Asian population the (delete expletive for fear of offending ethnic minorities) feed them - because the pigeon is considered a bird of peace - much like the Dove.

More useless Trivia

(

The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:03, archived)

You called?

(

Vermin, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 9:08, archived)

I have a friend (honest) who lives in Bradford

and he lives off pigeons he's captured.
He's a refugee, so he's forced to subsist on about £35/week so has to catch pigeons.
The only problem is that since he's a muslim, he has to kill them inna halaal stylee. It's a good job they don't have much blood.

(

atomboy, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:41, archived)

Blimey

poor bloke, needs must I suppose.

(

Just Juan Cornetto will take you to the lo-rider show n' flaunt ya on, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:58, archived)

yep

it's either that or go home and be muddered by his country's government for not fighting the rebels or the rebels for not fighting the government or join one side or the other and get killed in battle.

(

atomboy, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:05, archived)

Pidgeons

What a nightmare. This is a genuine offer, he's welcome to come and have a big slap up sunday dinner with me if he likes. Any weekend just let me know.

(Andrew Gilfrin, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 18:56, archived)

that's very kind

but he lives in bradford. however, he may be being shifted to london soon, so I can help him out a bit

(

atomboy, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 14:59, archived)

MMmmm pigeon

Have to say I quite like pigeon, especially in a pie with a thick gravy (from the bones) and a good rich pastry. YUM.

(Graham_Gooner, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 13:36, archived)

is your username

born from the experience :) ?

(

chilledunit, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:42, archived)

:D not for the pigeon incident.

The first time I met my now wife I spent 6 hours throwing up in the bathroom after drinking a disgusting cocktail of everything that was left in the house, the name then stuck. She must have felt sorry for me.

(

Just Juan Cornetto will take you to the lo-rider show n' flaunt ya on, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:49, archived)

Don't remind me

I did a similar thing recently, I got 3 bottles of beer from the off license, 2 normal and one super strong 10% job. After the third I was like some demon possesed I then proceded to drink as much as possible finishing virtually every bottle of spirit in the kitchen. I then went to bed and couldnt be bothered to go to the toilet to throw up. I was sick in a big box which were my birthday presents. Needless to say I woke up in the morning alone with sick all over the bed with a very smelly box full of sick and presents

(Andrew Gilfrin, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 18:59, archived)

I nearly ruined fresh chicken breasts in a 'sauce' containing

Cointreau, soy sauce, sherry, wine and cornflour. It was described as

Terry's Chocolate Chicken.

edit: It's more fun to melt a Chocolate Orange in a pan to fry the chicken and drink the booze.

(Smudger, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:33, archived)

once

I made the most disgusting meal with whatever I had in the house.

Unfortunately, I thought it could do with improving, so added ketchup.

That didn't work so I added vinegar.

Nor did that, so on went mayonnaise.

I ended up with about 25 extra toppings, and it was made worse with each one.

But I couldn't throw it away because I didn't have an alternative.

So I threw it away and starved for the evening.

(

stup0t, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:33, archived)

i had pasta, but no mince or sauce

so i had just pasta on its own
crap food, crap story.
:D

(

the_fabulous_dancing_yak You like game? You come see 5punk.co.uk. You like!, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:33, archived)

okay, you limey bastard...what the f is

"mince"?

(meowmeowkittymeow, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 9:33, archived)

what do americans

make burgers out of?

(

WhoElse I'm what Willis was talking about, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 11:11, archived)

Ground Beef

= Minced Beef = Mince.

(

heyrudi has just found this setting, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 12:39, archived)

mince is

It's the same as ground beef, fecking yankee.

(Gypsum Fantastic, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 12:43, archived)

my old flatmate phil

would have a carbohydrate feast of chips, rice and pasta. On its own, sometimes with peas.

(

comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 12:15, archived)

My Mince Hell

Threw a sickie from school one day and attempted to make lunch. I fancied curry, but my only prior experience was of curry flavour Pot Noodle. So I put some frozen mince in a bowl with some cold water, adding a spoonful of curry powder and baking until the mince was (only just) cooked. Managed about a spoonful.

On another occasion, my sister and I were both "off sick" from school. She was genuinely ill so I volunteered to make her a tasty lunch, which comprised a spoonful of custard powder and some lukewarm water from the kettle, with some sliced carrot. Result: vomit everywhere.

Can I also mention my besht mate Mike, whose first budget-culinary experiment comprised a pie (the pastry made with just flour and water) filled with dry pasta (he didn't realise you had to cook it.) He said it was actually quite nice, but his girlfriend was less than impressed. On another occasion the two of them made me a cup of tea with added cola. The taste haunts me to this day.

(colourzoom, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 21:25, archived)

that is the stupidest thing ever i have heard

ROFL

(lucas_maximus, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 17:33, archived)

My Vietnamese housemate

who had never cooked before coming to this country put some pate into a frying pan, heated it up with some random vegetables and served it with some spaghetti. Inevitably, he didn't eat very much of it.

(mynci boy, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:34, archived)

(

stup0t, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:39, archived)

out of the selection of vegetables he randomly selected them

like out of the first ten numbers I randomly pick 4, 7, 9 and 3

see, not all uses of random are wrong.

also there's current slang changing the meaning of random, like 'shit' is not meant to mean 'rubbish', but it is used in such a way.

(1, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:41, archived)

I think

the problem is that 'random' is used by a small group of people aged 12 to 20 between the time they learn the word, and start getting 'cool' and the point where they grow up. Everything becomes 'random' and 'blatant' and it really fucks off the people who have grown out of it.

That is all.

(

stup0t, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:47, archived)

well yes

but that meaning of random was not wrong though

and when i use random it means that the maker of the image has just come up with an idea out of the blue, eg 'i think i shall make a flash of a squirrel singing about beans'

oh and it's 'pisses off'

(1, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:49, archived)

I think

we have to accept that meanings of words change over time. For example, in the 16th century the word "nice" used to mean "stupid".

that is all...

(mynci boy, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:53, archived)

Not quite

Nice means (sort of) accurate or correct.

100% NICE.

(

wonko the sane, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 17:24, archived)

so that's

"out of the blue" not "random"

(

stup0t, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:55, archived)

oh ho ho

(1, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:58, archived)

This is an excellent series.

(

Baz Fuck off, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:42, archived)

why, thankyou!

(

stup0t, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:46, archived)

me likey

Can you do an animation to illustrate the difference between decimate and destroy please? That's the one that pisses me off.

(

Staticgirl, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:45, archived)

what am I?

your decimate-destroy-difference-animated-education-creator?

actually... yes, I suppose I could make one...

(

stup0t, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:45, archived)

xxxxx

I believe you are a worthy guardian of our linguistic standards, sir.

(

Staticgirl, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:51, archived)

I was reading my little sister's copy of Sugar (really, it was hers)

and they don't know the difference between 'ravage' and 'ravish'.
Or 'radish', like as not.

(

MissPrism, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:08, archived)

Decimate

means to take every tenth person and behead them. It is how the romans punished the troops.
Destroy means to take every person and mush them up into tiny unrecognisable peices then burn them or something

(Baj does Minecraft - http://www.youtube.com/w92baj, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 13:45, archived)

Stupot, give up the crusade. That was a valid use of the word random.

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:45, archived)

Bad meal...

Worst meal I ever cooked was for my girlfriend.

Starter:
Avocado and rice, with spring onion garnish.

Main Course:
Red onion in a rosemary and thyme (lightly sauteed in butter) fajitas, with some lightly grilled turkey for me, seeing I'm not a veggie.

Dessert:
Individual fruit pieces dipped in melted plain Terry's orange.

What's wrong with that, I hear you ask?

Well, all through the cooking process, I had been drinking beer, so when it came to the after-dinner snuggling, things went a bit further than intended which led to a HUGE row about my sex-drive (rampant) and hers (non-existent) which led to the true love of my life walking out, never to be seen again.
Sigh.

(Darth Thump, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:05, archived)

Well...

... if your sex life was that incompatible you weren't exactly ideal partners were you?

Still sucks though.

(spiralx, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 23:52, archived)

which reminds me

Cold pasta and ketchup sandwiches
mmmmmmmmmm

(Scary, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 20:41, archived)

i once tried

to make a chocolate cake (when I was 6 or 7), and I put in a few tablespoons of baking soda ('cos i wanted it to be reeeeeeeally fluffy and light).
however it ended up as a chocolatey coloured slab about 3/4 of an inch high (maybe even a whole inch!) that tasted overwhelmingly of baking soda. I think I didn't put enough flour in it.
i still ate it though, but nobody else could help but spit it out and try not to gag.
since then it's been only delicious grub from me
Edit: also, my great aunt's favourite meal was sardines boiled with a tin of tomatoes, beans and a couple of spuds. Serves two, only uses one pan
When I was at university, two dozy bints i lived with used to have (as a treat) brown spaghetti, brown pitta bread, boiled broccli and kidney beans over the spaghetti.
they would put the spag/veg mix into the pitta breads. I think they thought it was continental.
My mum once cooked a prawn curry (bad enough), but she thought she'd be subtle and instead of garlic, she used hummus. Fucking hummus! I wasn't laughing, that's for sure.

(

atomboy, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:35, archived)

My gran used to make rice pudding a lot

Once she forgot the sugar (really nasty)
The next time she forgot the milk (messy)
The last time she forgot the rice - mmm,
boiled milk how different.....

She worked as a cook in a top 5* hotel too.
But it was during the war and things were a bit
tight apparently

(

groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:35, archived)

pilchards in tomato sauce

and pasta... thik about cooking it in a student house and adding items to try and make it nice.

some of my chip shop days favourites were baked beans and mayo on a roll or mushy peas and tommy K on a roll.

(

jiva nearly always up for a game of scrabble, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:35, archived)

OMG that was my worst meal

How uncanny.

Tin o' pilchards in tomato sauce, lovingly stirred around a bit in with some Lidl value pasta swirls. I'm reknowned for eating anything, but my stomach and taste buds stopped me from eating any more than half of it.

(clydefrog, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 9:55, archived)

A useless git I knew at uni couldn't cook.

He noticed I was eating sausage & mash one night and asked for instructions. I told him it is easy
a) put sausages under medium-hot grill
b) put peeled spuds in pan with boiling water and a little salt
c) after 12 or so minutes the spuds should be soft - mash 'em up with a bit of salt, pepper, butter and even a splash of milk.
d) by the time you have done that, your sausages will be done.
ta-daaaah!

He called me down to the kitchen 30 minutes later in a panic, and in hindsight, it was my fault really, but I didn't really think I had to include the steps turn sausages frequently and drain the fucking water from pan before mashing

That was the "worst food I ever cooked by proxy"

He died 1 year later after trying to catch a bus.

(

Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:37, archived)

badum-tish!

He didn't really die, right?

(

Baz Fuck off, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:40, archived)

No!

Of course not. I wouldn't be that sick.
Jeez.

he is just in a coma

(

Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:41, archived)

Yankee Sandwich ?

Belgian Biscuit ?
How bad do you want ?

(

The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:37, archived)

a girlfriend once made me

a poached egg by cracking it into cold water then bringing it to the boil.
result: egg soup

i also knew a guy called ronnie who came home from the pub and was discovered in the kitchen of our flat eating a raw onion and
handfuls of uncooked lentils while drinking a pint of water because he "couldn't be bothered making soup" at 2am.

(

magoo, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:39, archived)

I once tried

to eat "bolognese" made with 1 lb of chopped mince, 1 lb of chopped onions and half a bottle of HP sauce.

(

Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:42, archived)

a man after my own heart

Aged 14 - I also attempted to make "Chinese"

Ingredients:
1 bowl of rice
1 tube of tomato puree
3 sausages. Cubed and microwaved.

(

rob, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:45, archived)

Or.....

Friends of mine tried to make a Gammon lasagne. It had all the usual ingredients in but gammon for the meat and little or no tomato. It didn't so much cook as slowly boil in their home made (with milk) Bechemel sauce. It smelled like (and according to the only mouthful sampled) tasted like puke. The whole house reeked of sick for a few days...

(Mr Joe Bangles, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 12:01, archived)

when i was in infant school i used to sit on a bag of chocolate buttons

till they where completely melted and then leave it in my desk to cool. so i got a slab of warmed and then cooled chocolate.

does this count as cooking?

(psausage76, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:43, archived)

blimey

I remember a bloke my school doing that. Your name isn't Roger?

The classy touch was taking it out and cooling it in the fridge.

(

rob, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:45, archived)

not me

i would remember if i was.

(psausage76, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:52, archived)

Bumcake ?

Not dissimilar to Belgian Biscuit actually

(

The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:06, archived)

McCheesenWheel

what you do is this:

1.) Get drunk/stoned
2.) Break your kitchen light so it strobes
3.) Decide your going to try and speak german for the evening (without really knowing any german)
4.) Get munchies
5.) Make toasted cheese sandwiches (badly, so the cheese sticks to the inside of the sandwich toaster)
6.) Decide your still hungry
7.) Find a wagon wheel
8.) Make a Wagon wheel toasted sandwich with a cheesy exterior due to prior attempt at sandwich

Cheese + Wagon Wheel + Bread = McCheesenWheel

Caution: melted marshmellow is extremely hot and sticky, like napalm

(Bingo, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:45, archived)

das is ein gut recipe!

seig heil!

(great cthulhu, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 12:51, archived)

Thats

funny!

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Fri 10 Oct 2003, 18:27, archived)

that

IS funny.

(elmsyrup, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 14:41, archived)

Starving student food ...

Boiled rice mixed with half a jar of piccalilli. Served hot.

Gah - horrible.

(Puerile Digital Arts Community - Make sigs bold and link coloured! Now!, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:45, archived)

I tried frying bread in gin. But it just tasted like bread soaked in gin.

a friend of mine tried making cheese on toast in a toaster by wrapping it in silver foil "to stop the cheese falling off". The toaster blew up.

(

thorpe www.voodootrombonequartet.com, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:47, archived)

buckfast eggs:

no oil or butter?

buckfast is not a good substitute.

(

dipdapdop, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:30, archived)

I had

a pot noodle once.

(thediscokingpin, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:48, archived)

Thats nothing

I managed to burn a pot noodle once.

Put it in the microwave cause I didnt have a kettle. For an hour.

(TheGoodStuff, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:23, archived)

I once

wondered if food was a different colour would it tast the same?

So I got a lot of different food colorings and got to work, In my excitedness about the experiment I invited some people round and they came.

they were treated to a starter of luminous green mussels in some kind of yellow sauce. everyone hated it. Ahem ok next. Pink Spagetti with Blue Bolgnase. Yuck, no one finished it, it looked wrong and tasted wrong. I have had my dad take the piss out of me for ten years for that.

No i didn't dye the ice cream black.

(doktored, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:48, archived)

My mum used to make us semolina

which I quite liked at the time - I was 4 or 5 I think. To make it more exciting, she said she could make it in any colour I could think of.

I spent ages trying to think of obscure colours, and she beat me every time. I was amazed at her cooking skills and ate my new semolina all excited about how this one would taste.

A few years later (and wiser) I discovered her cache of food colours in the cupboard and felt like a right chump.

(

chthonic, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:04, archived)

my grandparents kept chickens in the war

My uncle fed them everyday. He was rather fond of them and thought of them as pets.

He was 40 before he realised the true meaning of the phrase "the chickens are going to live in the country."

(

rob, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:12, archived)

it could be worse

my grandmother made my dad take his 'pet' rabbit to the butchers himself. he's still traumatised by it 60 years later

(

Spoon, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:49, archived)

I like

Blue yorkshire pud. Well it goes sort of spearmint green cos of the egg yolks. Have it with baked beans for a lovely contrast. But anyway, what's wrong with colouring food? I often put tomato puree in macaroni cheese and it turns it pink, you know.

(elmsyrup, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 14:45, archived)

I made rice

and cabbage. Once.

I overcooked the rice.

I overcooked the cabbage.

(

jsut peopel, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:53, archived)

2 Home Economics recipes I made/tried to make

Spaghetti Bol - Woke up, took ingredients to school. Realised I had taken the bacon instead of the mince. Didn't know the difference at the time. Got confused. And laughed at.

Cheesecake. With real cheddar. Tasted cheesy. Still unsure whether it doesnt actually have cheese in or I just had the wrong type. Again, I was laughed at.

(

Fronkle99, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:11, archived)

i think you should be using cream cheese

but personally I'd quite like to try your version.

(

rob, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:15, archived)

i've had stilton cheescake

it was fucking gorgeous. i keep meaning to see if i can make it myself

(

Spoon, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:50, archived)

My missus......

....made white chocolate cheese cake once. It was gorgeous. Left it in the fridge with half an onion and it went rank. Tasted of a chocolate/onion hybrid so we gave it to the kids. :-)

(

Evil Bastardo, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 14:07, archived)

Wow

That cheese thing made me laugh. Alot. I don't know if cheesecake is supposed to have cheese in. Same thing with carrotcake.

(Twiglet, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 22:07, archived)

also as a student

when I was very skint (i.e. always) i used to make instant mash with gravy granules stirred into the mix so it tasted like both meat and potatoes. Not very good but you can see my thinking...

(Bezmina, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 16:58, archived)

mmmm

nice on a sandwich

(

beefandcheese, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 12:42, archived)

I shared a house with a bloke who worked

for the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food.

He came back from work one evening and, after 5 minutes in the kitchen, returned to watch TV with a salad, a pork pie and some new potatoes.

Listening to him crunching away, I asked him if he'd actually cooked the potatoes.

"Nah," he answered, "It said on the packet they were delicious hot or cold."

I have no idea what he did all day at MAFF...

(

chthonic, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:01, archived)

A friend of mine, cooking his first ever meal at the age of 21(!)

misunderstood 'Remove outer packaging' on the frozen lasagne box.
He carefully removed the lump of iced sauce from its tinfoil dish and placed it on the bars of the top oven shelf.
Of course, it all melted and baked solid on to the bottom of the oven. Ha ha ha.

(

MissPrism, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:03, archived)

oh dear

fool

(Ace McAce Where we're going, we don't need roads, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:21, archived)

Not really cooking but...

...we made Fruit Salad in the first lesson of home economics we had at school. I was kind of fudge-fingered with the knife whilst chopping apples, resulting in a nasty cut which bled like a bastard.

Anyhoo I was too scared of not completing the lesson to do anything about it, so carried on preparing the rest of the fruit, bleeding quite profusely all the while.

The result was what would now be called a Medley of Seasonal Fruits in a Hemoglobin Jus , which was proudly served up to my unknowing parents that evening. I didn't eat much of mine.

(

propellerhed, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:23, archived)

i think...

that every single school made you make fruit salad in the first home. ec class, except at my school, it wasnt home. ec or even just 'cooking' which is what everyone called it, it was 'food technology', probably cos the blenders were about as technologically advanced as the stuff in the wood/metalwork labs, hence i hacked my thumb to pieces with a tenon saw once

(

manolith hooray for me, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 18:07, archived)

sodastream....

remember gremlin flavour? (green menth)

remember how the syrup looks suspicously like fairy liquid?

well.... I was young and really liked the gremlin flavour but we'd run out.

also drank diesel once, but obiously wan't cooking anything at the time... that would have been stupid.

(

ExactlyHowLongDoIHaveToBeHere, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:27, archived)

again... photos

I'd love to see the mess created by a soda stream and some detergent.

Reminds me of the time i stuck bubble bath in a hotel jacuzzi.

(

rob, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:35, archived)

Ooh, I did that once too.

We are no longer welcome at that establishment.

(

HairyCanary as Ann B. Davis as Alice, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 8:54, archived)

taking photos....

...of yourself drinking diesel would be even more stupid than drinking diesel.

(

ExactlyHowLongDoIHaveToBeHere, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 16:59, archived)

yeah,

i shoved a bottle of bubble bath into the air intake of a jacuzzi then sat back and waited for the bubbles. it went silent.

my dad was over the moon :)

(thundercat, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 10:14, archived)

Friend of mine

Filled his swimming trunks with liquid soap and jumped into the jaccuzzi of a health spa. "A wall of bubbles 2 meters high", apparently.

Just the previous week he had been threatened with expulsion for pissing on the sauna coals. They had to strip the wood pannelling off, close the whole annex and disinfect the area.

My friend rocks.

(Tarka_the_Frotter, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 10:39, archived)

When I was young

I weed in an ice machine at a hotel.

(

Syncubus Yarr! Ye'll be walking Planck's Constant! [GMT-5], Fri 10 Oct 2003, 16:44, archived)

I accidently

drank Meths once.

Water in Green Water Bottle
Meths in Red Water Bottle
Me in Dark

Easy mistake

(Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez is seriously considering a shorter username, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:14, archived)

That dark is a killer

The night after we moved house I woke thirsty, and scared of waking everyone grabbed the first full-ish looking glass of liquid on the sink rather than brave the noisy pipes. I "discovered" that my mum had left some washing up liquid in a glass on the sink to get by on until she had unpacked the box the rest was hiding in...

(

Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:52, archived)

i drank some

green antifreeze from an applejuice bottle by accident... thanks a bunch Dad

(chunky_munky, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 20:18, archived)

don't drink the water!

My flatmate woke up very hungover and drunk the nearest glass of water...

...which was a vase of what had been flowers some weeks ago, but was now a rotting brown sludge.

Needless to say, much regurgitation ensued. :-)

(b, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 14:02, archived)

Once came home hungry from the pub...

...as a poor student. Only had 2 things in the cupboard but decided I'd eat them anyway...

Jacket Potato with cold rice pudding topping. Never had it again.

Cooked porridge but not enough oats, so to thicken it up I used beef suet. Wasn't hungry again for days.

Once tried to boil milk in a kettle.

Made my Gran a lovely cup of tea with my mums teabag squeezer, turns out it was actually a garlic crusher. Gran drank all the tea and never said a word.

(Scribble, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:28, archived)

Living in Lincolnshire,we used a Lo-tech stove-top kettle...

Which meant my little sister had never used an electric kettle when we went to stay with my sister. She offered, nonetheless, to make a cup of tea. She plugged it in and lit the gas underneath it. Very thorough.

(

sp3ccylad carries on breathing all the way up to, say, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:56, archived)

My friends father did that about 5 years ago

he is 50 something

(kohoutec, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 18:29, archived)

snort

oh god crying with laughter and not sure why...

(Munkey, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 15:04, archived)

Paul the pervert

probably tampered with your Branston

(Pig, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:29, archived)

Girlfriend had just had her wisdom teeth out

Wanted Omellette...
I tried to explain that it's really hurt to eat it, but she wouldn't listen.
Apparently omellette isn't very appetising when it's been through a blender.

(Bert Wimple, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:31, archived)

well once in food tech, one of my friends made muffins.

mixed up the salt and the sugar. there was a pinch of sugar and.. well.. you can guess the rest... [sigh]

(

Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:34, archived)

my dad

once made an egg custard with the salt and sugar mixed up

(Ace McAce Where we're going, we don't need roads, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:36, archived)

Student Days...

1 Tin Baked Beans
1/4 block cheddar (chopped into little sticks)
Lots of Garlic Pureé
Tabasco Sauce

Served with a few slices of toasted white pan

For 1. Unsurprisingly.:)

(Dopefish, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:38, archived)

I tried to make a big madeira cake once

I got all the right ingredients and followed the instructions in Marguerite Patten's cookery book to the letter, and the bastard thing came out of the oven the height of a slice of bread.

Never followed her recipe again.

(Lambkin, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:48, archived)

I don't find many things minging

only tinned asparagus that you get in cheap resteraunts in Spain. eugh.
I am however, a cooking genius, remember anything savoury that goes wrong be be easily corrected with an oxo cube.

(

Banana, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:50, archived)

Ugh yeah

That brings back a horrible memory.

(elmsyrup, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 22:17, archived)

I remember in my last year at uni

a friend had bought a little microwave for his room, and we plotted what we would cook in it.

I went out to the bookshop and memorised the recipe for microwave fudge, then bought the ingredients and we set to. He only had a little dish, and it did boil over quite a lot.

The fudge, we were told, was quite nice.

The mess left behind took hours to shift as it was too hot to handle while it was runny and when it cooled it was very tenacious.

We didn't eat much of it in the end. We were somewhat put off by the way it looked like an elephant had come copiously in the microwave.

(

weevilstepmother, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:50, archived)

I did something similar when I was 13 (edited as memory returns)

Made fudge. It all went OK until I asked my mum what I should tip the mixture into. She was too busy trying to impress some bloke from the Local History Society (hang your head in shame, mother) and when I said "cookie sheet? Is that like a biscuit tin?", she said "yes".

I spent the next week clawing it out. The poor dear's 70 now and still dissolves into hysterics at the slightest mention, the heartless cow.

(

sp3ccylad carries on breathing all the way up to, say, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 18:27, archived)

here's one from me

STUDENT CHILLI
(contains no student)

For this recipe you will need:
1 can of own-brand baked beans
1 can of own-brand corned beef
1 bottle of sweet chilli sauce (i use lingham's, but use what ya got)
1/4 pound of mild cheddar cheese

Method:
Throw the beans in a pan, and dice the corned beef into bite-size squares. Add the squares of corned beef and approx. 2 tablespoons of sweet chilli to the pan of beans, eating approximately 1/4 of the corned beef instead of putting it in the pan, then add heat to the beans. burn your hand on the cooker, and realise the flame is set a little too high. Reduce the heat a little while marvelling at the singed hair on the back of your hand while stirring the beans.

After a few minutes, experience mild panic as the cubes of corned beef lose all their structural integrity, rendering your painstaking dicing useless, and turning your meal into a panful of suspicious sludge. Add more chilli sauce.

Stir for a few more minutes on a lower heat until you work out what to do next. Add more chilli sauce.

When the required length of time has passed, (you will know when this happens when you think "screw it, i'm too hungry to cook anything else") fling the whole mess into a bowl. Marvel as you discover that there's slightly more than one bowlful, and get a cloth. after wiping up the spillage, dump all the cheese on top, and serve. Be mildly surprised as you discover it tastes pretty nice.

Serve with ice-cold Orange Juice, as you have seriously underestimated that chilli sauce.

Not even slightly suitable for Vegetarians.

(

Dano, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 17:56, archived)

Are you sure it hasn't got student in it?

Well maybe a bit.

How much?

Well, three. Rather a lot really.

(b, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 14:05, archived)

dead fish

so like, there I am 3 years old, and me dad's got a load of tropical fish - especially proud of his black japanese fightin fish that he's been breedin....

so I think I know I'll feed the fish, unfortunately I fed them with pepper instead of fishfood and they died...

he hit the fkin roof - not as much as next time when i fed them a banana sandwhich though!

oh yes - they all died

both times

(karl1969, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 18:13, archived)

salt vs sugar

so there I am making myself a nice cup of tea, when instead of 2 spoonfuls of sugar I put an ounce of crystal meth in...

(karl1969, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 18:18, archived)

and suck it up my ass with a straw

sorry, been a long, long, long day (sound of bottle falling off desk)

(karl1969, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 18:19, archived)

salt vs sugar II

so when we were kids i used to paint my brothers toe/fingernails while he was asleep and get in huge shit when he found out about it (incidentally it was usually right before when mom had to go to work).He would lose it then she would lose it then i would get the beats....BUT...what she never caught onto for quite some time was the fact that instead of putting sugar on my brothers cereal i would heap piles of salt on it instead - he seemed to like it. when she did find out she beat me with a mother's wrath.

(goorf, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 18:34, archived)

When terribly skint in a squat in Hackney,

my evening meal one night was fried spaghetti with vinegar.

(

pxyzyzygy, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 18:30, archived)

This story is from a flatmate

so it's probably made up. Funny though. Here we go.

When I was a first year student, I was in a hall of residence with one kitchen per floor. Ours had a nice formica tabletop with a large pan shaped burn mark on one part. I asked someone who had been there the previous year where the mark came from, and this is the story he told.

For some reason, a group of them had bought some fish fillets and planned to cook and eat them. They all hated fish on its own, and they didn't have any oil to fry it with, so they decided to breadcrumb it.

Now breadcrumbs might sound like a simple thing to make, but not for these guys. They tried chopping up slices of bread into tiny pieces, then sticking the bits onto the fish with butter. It just looked like a slab of greasy lard with fluff on it. They put a slice of bread in the food processor, but that just manufactured huge chunks. They tried trimming the crusts, then balling up the soft bit into a solid chunk, then putting that in the food processor. That just made small, extra dense, chunks. Some bright spark hit on the idea of the bread needing to be dry before cutting it up.

Out came the toaster. They put a couple of slices of bread in, but to make the toast really crunchy and brittle, they had to pretty much burn it. They smashed up a slice of diamond hard toast, scraped off the fluff bread from the fish fillets, reapplied some more butter, then sprinkled them on. The bits were still too big, so they were just about to scrape them off again when someone suggested they use the bits from the crumb tray of the toaster! What a genius!

The toaster crumb tray was just a trough that slid out freely whenever you wanted to empty it, but since this was a communal kitchen, nobody ever did. There were at least 8 months of toast crumbs in there, which should still be fresh "since food doesn't rot if there's no water in it", they reasoned. More than enough. They shook off the fillets, added some more butter, and sprinkled toast crumbs on to their hearts content.

Meanwhile, other people had been entering the kitchen to attend to their meals. The cooker was big (6 hobs), so there were already 2 saucepans from other residents. Our heroes put the fillets in the oven and went into the adjoining common room for a rest. After not long, they were hungry, so they took the fish out and stuck it on plates. One of them tried a mouthful to see if it was cooked. We'll probably never know if it was, or even what it tasted like, since at that moment, a guy standing at the stove said: "Er, did you clean out the toaster?"

"Mmm-mmmm" said the fish tester.

"Oh, that's good, 'cause I was using the ash tray bit last night."

The fish tester paused and held totally still. One of the three fish cookers said something like "You used the crumb tray as an ash tray? And put it back?"

Response: "Yeah, they don't put any ash trays in here. I was going to clean it out, but the bins were full and the sink was a mess. I just put it back in the toaster. I was going to clean it out myself. Sorry."

He picked up his saucepan of pasta and moved it off the flame. At that instant, the fish tester explosively spat out the fish and immediately vomited; half over the smoker's arm, half over the naked flame of the burner, and another half down the front of the (still open) cooker. The smoker dropped his saucepan on the table (this, btw, was the cause of the burn mark) and started screaming. Everybody in the common room peered in and burst out laughing at the sick-covered people and equipment, the guy panting on the floor, and the smell of cooking vomit.

The weekly cleaners had visited that very day, and nobody wanted to clean up the mess, so the kitchen stayed like that, rotting fish-ash-hurl everywhere, for at least 7 days. The hall was catered during the week, so people just ate out at the weekend. Everyone on the floor was made to pay £5 when the regular cleaners refused to touch it and they had to call in external people.

(jmst, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:01, archived)

Genius

(

Banana, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 17:57, archived)

Not really cooking...

...but some mates at Uni were too tight to buy sports drinks or anything - so they saved the water that pasta had been boiled in. Lovely.

And then there was the rice pudding I made with skimmed milk. About as tasty as the isotonic pasta water.

(

randompunter, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:03, archived)

Chocolate Covered Beef Pieces

Take some good rump steak. Cut into cubes, fry it till it's well done, dry and allow to cool.

Melt some good Bournville chocolate in a double boiler.

Put steak on toothpick, dip in chocolate, leave on baking foil to cool and harden.

Dust lightly with cocoa, then offer to unsuspecting party guests. First person to work out that it isn't Turkish Delight wins One English Dollar. :)

(My grandfather apparently once cooked a Beaujolais Omelette - eggs & red wine, roughly half and half. I think that's where I get it from)

(

The One and Only Sheriff Fatman, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:05, archived)

Things I have eated

As a child;
Paint off doors and chairs
Lightsaber off my Darth Vader figure
Sewing thread
Paper

As an adult;
Salt & Vinegar crisp sandwich with mars bar accompaniment

P.S. I remember an old show on Sky where a guy made a cake or pastry something with cola
And one woman claiming on a woman's show on ITV in the early 80's that you can make a cake with tomato soup
That may be due to all the paint I chewed as a kid though...

(Boss Mew Covfefe does not bargain...it only covfefes., Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:11, archived)

Is it Nigella Lawson...

...who has some recipe for ham that's basically boiled in 2 litres of Coca-Cola? I'm sure I saw that somewhere recently...

(

The One and Only Sheriff Fatman, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:15, archived)

Hmmm!

And bloody good it is too.

I tried the John Tovey recipe for Christmas turkey. Basically get turkey, stuff guts with loads of butter and surround in lots of hay, which gives the meat a wonderful sweetness. We were stood round the kitchen at about 11 on Xmas morning (bottle of wine opened but still in dressing gowns) when a huge ball of flame appeared in the oven, the door pushed open enough to let it rip up the front and burn the roof and extractor. I'd wrapped it carefully, but lightly, in foil but all it took was one bastard bit to drift down to the gas and boom up went half a fucking bale. I absolutely shit myself. Turkey skin was burnt to buggery but the rest of was OK.

I also still dip my celery in sugar and have my strawberries with black pepper.

(Willie Eckerslyke, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 23:36, archived)

Surely

it's strawberrys with balsamic vinegar and black pepper. Yowzers! That's a treat for the tongue and no mistak.

(Surgeon_General, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 10:43, archived)

Wow!

I'm going to try that immediately (slabbers).

(Willie Eckerslyke, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 15:45, archived)

I didn't like apples....

so i used to eat them with prawn cocktail crisps to hide the taste.

my uncle ate a set of wax crayons once....
and produced rainbow vomit.

(hingesII, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:44, archived)

my mom

used to keep a jar of things that had passed through me as a kid...marbles, pebbles and stuff.

(

Pee-Bob, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 7:16, archived)

Before I became a rather accomplished cook,

I was living in Nottingham and was anorexic at the time.
I invited my boyfriend round for Spaghetti Bolognase and cooked up this sumptous meal, it tasted absolutely wonderful (he said, remember, I wasn't eating nothing).
The next day, he was sick as a dog - puking and crapping all over the place.
Well I didn't know you were supposed to defrost the mince before cooking it! Jeez!

Of course, I was fine, I hadn't had any but he had nasty food poisoning!

(

Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:16, archived)

kinda the same as above

I was living in digs at college and over the holidays the rooms were rented out to foreign students doing the english courses at the college.

We had an oriental chap who, and I'm not trying to be racist (really), but he had obviously never seen a microwave oven nor how to use it.

After quick instruction from us (dear God how did we not see this coming!!) he began putting stuff in, in the wrapping.

For example, 12 small pork sausages, all of them, in the wrapping. On defrost. He then decided they were good enough to eat and chowed down with mates.

Pizza. Oh yes indeed. Wrapping and all.

Eggs. Yup, boy did that surprise him.

Etc etc. And no, I'm not kidding. We came back after a couple of days being away and helped the poor bloke clean it. Eeeeuuuuwwwww!!!

(mr splodge, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:40, archived)

I made cookies once...

...and the recipe called for "cloves." I didn't know they were supposed to be ground cloves, and assumed that these sharp little devils would dissolve or something. Anyway, I brought them to a bake sale, and had to throw them out because people were complaining that they had "pieces of wood" in them.

(i.am.jamie, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:41, archived)

more student experiments

I fancied cottage pie so i made one from stewing steak, port and marmite topped with mashed chips and cooked in the oven. the marmite was meant to thicken it up, oh.. god knows what i was thinking. i didn't get far with eating it though.

(steviewindows, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:43, archived)

mashed chips?

fantastic!

(

stup0t, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 23:57, archived)

My mother used to make...

...chocolate-covered peanut butter balls, with crispy rice inside. I tried to make the same dessert once when she was out, and tried to melt down six chocolate bars in a pan. I ended up roasting the chocolate into the pan, after which it became a burnt, solid mass that became as much a part of the pan as the cast iron itself.

After crumbling Rice Crispies to a fetid pulp in an attempt to mix them with the peanut butter, I made some roundish balls and dipped them into the chocolate that remained liquid for a time.

The finished result was a plate of oily, flattened blobs coated in chocolate-colored charcoal. I threw the pan out in an attempt to get rid of the evidence. I flushed the inedible food.

The things did not degrade in the plumbing, and plugged everything up. Fortunately, the mess did resemble something that should have been found in there, anyhow. Unfortunately, my mother kept the three of us little ones on liquid laxative for almost a week.

I suspect my brother still hates me for this.

(i.am.jamie, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:50, archived)

Me and my mate

had a girl round for a mexican barbecue.

We never cooked.

but we did fuck her brains out from both directions

(Pouched_species, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:52, archived)

Bastard!

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Fri 10 Oct 2003, 19:01, archived)

For a while I maintained

thtat if two things are tasty individually, then they will also be tasty together. My girlfriend had a fun time trying to prove me wrong. She made me eat a tuna melt with ketchup, mayonaise, mustard, french fries, fruit loops.. and I think some kind of fruit. I can't remember now.

(thellama73, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:58, archived)

another horrific student story

when I was at uni, I shared a flat with a 6ft6" French Canadian guy, who worked as a chef at a local restaurant.

You'd think that that'd make him quite good at cooking...but no, every night, he'd come back, get a Farmfoods Economy Burger out of the freezer, put it in the microwave for a couple of minutes, and then put it - oozing horrible grease and stinking - between two slices of cheap white bread, and wander back to his room, where he'd play Gran Tourismo all fucking night.

I can only imagine he was eating them...

(trumpet, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 19:58, archived)

it's not that unusual actually...

it's not necessarily that he couldnt cook, it's probably more that he didnt want to.

(syllopsium, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 15:18, archived)

I have friend who did something similar

And, to be honest, he probably still does, 10-20 years later...
Only thing is, he was (still is?) a veggie, so he'd make Veggie-grill sandwiches

Note the name Veggie-GRILL...they're like burgers made of mashed up vegetables, that you're supposed to put under the grill to cook...
But did my friend? No, he did not.

He'd get them straight out of the freezer, put them between two slices of sliced white bread and microwave them until they melted into the bread, resulting in warm and gooey green bread.
Which he would then eat with ketchup and mustard...
This is the same guy who told me pot noodles were great when we were 17, and I was foolish enough to believe him...

(

GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 23:13, archived)

Abit crap

but my friend was making soup, one of these add water then boil in a pan soups.

She read the instructions....place pan on heat, add soup and water, let boil for x minutes.

Well she put the pan on the heat
added the poweder
then realised she needed water
5 mins later the whole room was black and there wasn't a bottom on the pan...

she couldn't understand what she did wrong!!!!

(

Generationgav, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:01, archived)

My cooking disaster.

In food technology we had to make a foreign dish. I chose to do sardine pizza thinking it to be Italian (is it?). Anyway, I put loads of cheese on and tomato and such, then I put these sardines straight on top and shoved them in the oven. Little did I know that I had to actually defrost the sardines (they weren't tinned)or do *something* to them. So, the oils in the sardines contaminated everything on the pizza and when it was removed from the oven the cheese and tomato and uh..everything was green practically (and slightly burnt, I left it in there too long). Not even my dog would it, fussy bugger.

(Fiz, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:24, archived)

Sugarless joy

I like to cook cheesecakes, and most of the time they turn out very nicely. Except the last one I made for a potluck, in which I forgot to put sugar... I didn't realize it till I had wee taste of the batter and thought it tasted strange...but I was running late and baked it anyhow, and wound up serving it, with the thought that if no one liked it, I'd blame it on my da, but by the end of the night it had been totally consumed...with rave reviews. I found it rather nasty myself...daft buggers...

(Supreme Mongoose, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:34, archived)

similar

a friend of mine was making micro noodles, he decided that reading the instructions was unneccesary as they were summed up in the caption on the pot, ie. 'simply microwave for 3 minutes and enjoy!' this he did. bunged the pot, with the foil lid on with no water obviously for three minutes. the resulting melted plastic stench never left our microwave, he did not even get to the enjoyment part, life is sad

(

manolith hooray for me, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 15:10, archived)

Ugh...

In year 7 I was cooking at school. Strawberry crumble. Yummy, you would think.... Yeah... It was all fine until I got to the straweberries and didn't know what to do with the half tinful of strawberry juice. Being me, I couldn't be arsed to ask and chucked the stuff in the bowl with the rest of it. Big mistake. By the end of that session I had a lovely pink pile of slude that reminded me rather of a pile of bloddy sick. Smelt like it too. Yum.

(MadGirlOfDoom, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:40, archived)

During my dole days I tried

Chips made from Swede (itself being purloined from an allotment at the dead of night). I have heard that this dish has something of a cult following nowadays amongst non-Doleys, which utterly amazes me.

I also made a concoction of a blancmange mixture and some handpicked blackberries, which came out as a sort of jam affair. Two days before my giro was due in and nothing in the bedsit.

"But we were happy then!" (were we fuck!)

(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:45, archived)

Klingon Pizza ?

OK. Several years ago when I had a kitchen bigger than a closet I made my own pizza from scratch, even the crust. I was having a couple of friends over for dinner and decided to make a homemade pizza. When I made the sauce, I used WAY too much dried red pepper. The pizza was a work of art, but when we tucked into it, we turned red and reached for our sodas.. glug glug!

I soldiered on, eating my firey slices, but my friends, with apologies, scraped off the topping and just ate the crust. Casual folks that we were, we left our plates on the floor. By and by, my cat came around to sniff at the scraped-off topping, and sampled it. He hissed and shook his head, backing away from the plates and ran off to drink out of the lavatory. He came back a while later, but gave the plates of nuclear pizza topping a VERY wide berth!

(

Whiffert Support the Free Balogna Movement!, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:46, archived)

i like my spicy food

i often make stuff really spicy if i'm hungry and i want to eat everyone elses as well as my own.

(

wingphil, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 17:59, archived)

cornish pasties toasted sandwich

(

Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:48, archived)

There was also the time I made taffy...

And while pulling the taffy rope, found that the skin on my fingers had started to pull off and bits of it got into the taffy.
UGH

(

Whiffert Support the Free Balogna Movement!, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 20:53, archived)

i made fudge once, but put about 10x too much sugar in,

and i swear i made Class A fudge, you really did get high on the stuff.

Needless to say, I make lots of it

(

stevierar, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:02, archived)

Isn't fudge...

just sugar and butter/cream?

(hingesII, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:52, archived)

Takes the Cake

For reasons too obscure to go into, I was asked to bake a cake in the shape of keilbasa sausage. The cake part worked out fine, although it took some clever trimming to get the looped shape of the polish sausage. When I started in on the frosting, I ran into trouble. I stood over the bowl of buttercream, adding cocoa powder and food colorings trying to get that reddish brown color characteristic of keilbasa. I failed magnificently. The resulting frosting was the exact color of bare human flesh. The oval-loop flesh colored cake was deemed 'obscene' by most of the folks who saw it, and it was largely avoided. (tasted fine to me though!)

(

Whiffert Support the Free Balogna Movement!, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:04, archived)

Worst food ever...

Hmmm,
I have a number of candidates
Goulash made with 2 tablespoons of Cayenne Pepper instead of paprika (well, they are both red!) .... it was just not edible.
Rock buns that shattered when dropped - dunno what went wrong there.
shortbread .... made with 12oz instead of 2oz of butter.... came out more like fried pastry in oily stuff.

But my brother topped all of my efforts, aged 12 he made our mother a milkshake, she took one mouthful & was sick...
ingredients
Milk
2 tablespoons of coffee
vinegar
& washing up liquid (to make it frothy!)

(Monskervator the Monsk, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:05, archived)

This isn't really a meal...

...but in food technology last year, I tried to buy some brown sugar from the school for something and the teacher gave me curry powder.
Needless to say, it was NOT nice.

(HanaBizzle, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:08, archived)

I didn't make it myself, but

when I was in Bulgaria for a Christmas, I stayed in a really cheap hotel. They took the leftovers from any meal before and mixed them with the food for that day. You could easily get some weird creamy thing that seemed like a dessert, bite into it, and realize it was the sausage from last night, with mustard as well. It was soon dubbed, very fairly, as 'Bulgarian Surprise'. I still shudder at the thought...

(tungazzio the occasionally present, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:10, archived)

my mate's dad

had bad knees, and he'd heard that onions were very good for joints. to get the maximum amount of onioney goodness, he decided to put a bag of onions through a juicer. after gulping down a huge swig of the resultant gloop, he managed to hit the opposite wall with his vomit

i once ate some extremely old and wrinkled potatoes i found at the back of a cupboard. i didn't have any money and hadn't eaten for a couple of days though

(

Spoon, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:22, archived)

absolutely beautiful

onion smoothy...getting sick just thinking about it

(

Pee-Bob, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 7:09, archived)

I'll plug this till my death

And it's not even particually good. The ultimate sandwhich I made.
I have actually made far weirder, but not been bored enough/was unable to take pics. I seem to remember I have better stories, but after trying to smash open a locker with my head at lunch, I've forgotten them.

Oh, my friend was gonna make hash cakes but realised her mum would get suspicious if she actually did cooking, so she made hash custard instead.

And once I wanted to toast marshmellows, so I did it over the toaster. I lost a couple of bits to the toaster, but it also got the job done. Next day I was making toast and one of the bits that fell in got too hot and caught on fire, which spread to the toast pretty quickly. My mum doesn't believe this though.

(

Whillow, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:24, archived)

yuick

Twas once a time where me and me pal had to choose between having our crumbled hash either with a spoonful of tom sauce or custard..... I went for Tom Sauce..... It mingled...

(

-:Coop:-, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 17:11, archived)

Caramel

My friends always take the piss out of my non-existent cooking skills, so i decided to show them, by cooking them a 'special meal'. I decided to cook pan-fried duck with a red wine sauce. Needless to say, i sliced a huge chunk out of my finger and ended up drinking most of the red wine (for medicinal purposes!)
Anyway, by this point i'm really quite drunk, and low on materials to make a red wine sauce, being the pikey that i am, i decided to make the sauce without the wine! i threw honey and onions in a pan, and guess what i made? yep charred caramel with onions! (nice). I also burnt the fuck out of the duck - my friends haven't stopped taking the piss out of me since. They reckon without cooking skills i'll never find a husband! but hey, i have fabulous toast-making skills!

(Ghost Batty Rider, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:31, archived)

fizzy milk

milk
+
lemonade

lovely summers day drink...

(I drunk this between the ages of 8 and 12)

(DrTchock reporting live from the White Chocolate Farm, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:44, archived)

Nice

We always used to take the piss out of a local club full of middle age grannies. We used to say they drank sherlems which is a shandy hybrid made of Sherry and lemonade. We tried it once, well say no more. Also decided cochandy would be good which is another Shandy hybrid made with Beer and Coke.

(Andrew Gilfrin, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 8:12, archived)

Ahhhh...

take half a lager in a pint glass, and a half of coke. Combine two said drinks into the pint glass.
Get a shot of Sambuca (I think!). Drop said shot in said beer/coke compound and neck the motherfucker.
Tastes just like Dr Pepper, hence it being called.......yes a Dr Pepper.
Fucks you up royaly!

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Fri 10 Oct 2003, 19:33, archived)

That ain't no doctor pepper

That there drink is called "Badger's Revenge" or could that be "Badger's return" I can't remember. All I remember is that it tasted ok, but was nicer, and turned a murky brown after we added a green aftershock. And yes it does fuck you up, my girlfriend wouldn't speak to me for two days cos I got drunk with her best mate on this stuff.

(

Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 16:01, archived)

"interesting" food

Tia Maria & orange juice tastes like Jaffa Cakes. Very moreish (keeps your vitamin c levels up too).
Used to love kit-kat rolls (white roll, butter & afore-mentioned chocolate). Have also tried using coffee on cereal when milk had run out (not good).
Some 'friends' once thought it would be funny to give me a sandwich filled with Tiger Balm. THAT was the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten.

(juicy_lucy, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 14:44, archived)

doesn't really qualify but

least succesful attempt at getting a take-away:
I just returned from trying to get a curry to find the area blocked off and a large police bust taking place. I think the flat above was being raided. My girlfriend thought it was the lamest excuse for returning empty-handed she'd ever heard.

(meepmeep is, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:45, archived)

I did an instant lasagne thing in the oven, but forgot to take the lid off.

AND I left it in too long.

(irregular, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:45, archived)

I dropped

a spinning Gyroscope into a pan of chilli by accident. what a fucking mess.

(

Analogue Warthog, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 21:52, archived)

haha

that's the funniest entry

(Ellis, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 18:18, archived)

I baked some bread in a home ec. lesson once

It was a lovely golden brown and when I sliced open the first of the mini rolls we had made, applied a little butter and took a bite it was, well it was alright.

I returned home at the end of school toting my little buns and presented them to my mum who graciously took them and served one on each plate. One for me, one for muhm, one for dahd and one for brohther. All going well.

However, Home ec was the first lesson of the day, so these litlle fellas had had an entire day to cool and slowly morphed into little bready bricks. You could say they were tough, in the same way that Phil Mitchell is.

Broken teeth all round.

Oh hang on... I was sure that story was interesting...

*wanders off singing incoherently*

(

Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 22:14, archived)

Fray Bentos

that is all

(

A good man, and thorough, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 22:18, archived)

The worst meal I ever made

While still at college, many moons ago, I prepared something beautifully inedible.
I think it contained stale bread, dried pasta and something and something else. Topped with old cheese, it must have remained in my stomach for at least a minute before deciding that its best chance of survival was an upwards escape bid.

Thought I'd include this as I actually caught the bugger on film (before and after).

(

mozza, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 22:22, archived)

Deep-fried pasta

Boiled till it was pre-al-dente, then attempted to deep-fry it in a foolish attempt to make it crispy...

Seemed like a good idea at the time :-)

(

swimmy, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 22:31, archived)

they would serve that

at our school!

(Saffy, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 11:30, archived)

Yummy!

Is your school in the west of scotland perchance? :-)

(

swimmy, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 15:37, archived)

I once gave myself food-poisoning

from undercooked sausages, and everyone was away for the weekend so I had to be all miserable and pukey on my own :(

other than that I once tried to mix lime cordial with milk... I now know why they don't make lime milk-shake

my parents once tried to barbeque a squirrel, it was so tough they couldn't eat it

(

NomDePlume fo shizzle my nizzle old bean, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 22:32, archived)

ahem...

They DO make Lime milkshake...They being crusha, btw
and it's luvverly...it's my favourite flavour...but do they sell it at Tescos or anywhere like that? Nooooo...you can only get it wholesale at cash and carry places or one glass at a time from cafe's if you're lucky...
Bastards, the lot of em...If you're reading this crusha, or anyone who works for them:
AHEM, Joel! cough cough, nudge nudge
SORT IT OUT!!!

(

GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 23:23, archived)

I tried to make the ultimate all-in-one bachelor food

By brewing my own beer with ramen noodles cooked into the mash. When it fermented it stank like all hell, it was nearly impossible to bottle, it was thick, sticky, hard to get down, and tasted like my feet after a long day at work. Simply terrible.

(Frezedriedelvis, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 22:51, archived)

how disappointing.

it could have been soooooo good if it had worked.

(

mrRush, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 15:02, archived)

peanut butter and jalapenos

the bruning stuck to your mouth

(

Joelf, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 23:06, archived)

Worst food ever...

me and a few friends we're hungry for pizza one night... we had a crust, so all we needed was sauce. Well, we didn't have any sauce, so i chose (what i assumed) would be close to sauce "tomato paste". I figured i'd spice it up, and without tasting once i added: Salt, Seasoning Salt, Garlic Powder, Mrs. Dash, "steak seasoning", "bacon and chive" seasoning, and then.. more salt.

It smelled amazing, so we topped off the pizza, threw some cheese on there and decided we needed something more.. but what?

everyone thought....

"chocolate?" someone suggested.

"yes, that sounds really good" (everything would make more sense if we did drugs, but we don't) So on goes chocolate (shredded with the cheese grater) and in goes the pizza.

30 minutes later, i think every single one of us we're throwing up in the backyard.

(ken, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 23:30, archived)

Evil Soup

Not sure if this counts since I was only about 3 at the time, but I tried to make breakfast in bed for my parents when I was little, which consisted of cold chicken soup made from a packet of soup powder, but rather than use water as is the traditional method I went for milk. Nothing as tasty as cold, milky chicken soup.

(Dr Wadd, Wed 8 Oct 2003, 23:36, archived)

That reminds me of when twin and I were 3 or 4,

it was Xmas time and we decided to make our own breakfast so as not to wake mum up.
Well, we found a bottle with "water" in it, but it tasted funny so we poured the full bottle down the sink.

ah, it was only a much hoarded bottle of vodka that mum (we were poor) had saved up for 4 months to buy!

(

Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 0:25, archived)

that story is sad

in so many ways

(

Pee-Bob, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 7:07, archived)

When I was 3

and my dad worked away from home, I knew how special the time my parents had a alone was, so decided to do them tea in bed... knowing that I shouldn't touch the kettle I poured warm tap water over a tea bag and added a dairylea as we were out of milk!!! Bless my dad he drank it.

(MrsSpoon, Mon 13 Oct 2003, 15:31, archived)

I'm not really

that much of an interesting person, but I've had my share of horrid food items. I once ate a roast beef sandwich with peanut butter, bananas, ketchup and scrambled eggs. I've had a bunch of random things, like a lollipop with a cricket inside it, a worm, a crayon, etc. And most recently, my earth science class made model volcanoes(I'm only fourteen, y'know.) and I decided to taste what some people used for lava - which included spaghetti sauce with baby powder, and instant pudding mix with flour and some sort of red substance..
Poor me, I never get to hear the radio show because I'm always in school when it's on. I hate time zones.

(

trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 0:44, archived)

Little children count?

When I was a little kid I wanted to make a pizza. Knowing that pizza is made with Tomatoe sauce, cheese and bread I took:

1 slice of white bread
1 slice of american cheese
Ketchup

I put the ketchup on the bread and put the slice of cheese on top and put it in the microwave for a few seconds. Tasted like crap.

(Spram, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 1:19, archived)

Huh?

What's wrong with that?

If you had toasted the bread first it would have been perfect. - trust me, I lived on them for 3 years.

(

Geej, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 16:21, archived)

Bad food

I once fried my own spunk, but never ate it. I could do it again, if any of you fancied some?

(cuntymints Cuntymints, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 1:22, archived)

nice.

i hope you washed up afterwards.

(

mrRush, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 15:10, archived)

hm, maybe you'd know this one then

if you fry spunk, does it turn white like an egg?

wanted to try this but never found any of my male friends willing, strangely enough...

(so1ace, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 22:59, archived)

You are fucking sick

but fucking funny at the same time. Have a star.

(

Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 16:06, archived)

worst food

Back in college my roommate and I were faced with either starvation until student loans came though for the quarter or eating Spam (that had been given to her as a gag gift 2 or 3 years earlier). We attempted to fry the rancid congealed blob of Spam and then cut it up and mixed it in with some ramen noodles (oriental flavor, I think) and various fast-food condiment packets that we could find to cover up the Spam taste. It was most foul and we ended up vomiting the rest of the evening. Delightful!

(celticity, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 1:27, archived)

eh?

it must have been the condiments or something because normal spam is the bomb! plus, it is inorganic so bacteria can't live in it

(

Pee-Bob, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 7:04, archived)

Oh god...

You've reminded me of my first week at uni...
Nice new non-stick teflon frying pan, nice new non-stick spatula and a tin of spam...
Problem being, non-stick doesn't equate to non-melt-and-coat-the-food-in-plastic-if-you-get-distracted...
and distracted I was, and when I came back, the spam was black.
"Ah. Burnt" thinks I, and tuck in anyway.
"Hmmm...bit crunchy as well. Hey ho."
So, in case anyone wondered, teflon coated spam is not a good meal...
And yes, I was a little bit ill afterwards.Only a little bit tho

(

GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 23:46, archived)

The worst meal I ever cooked also had Branston Pickle in it.

Me and a bunch of mates were staying at ( = trashing ) my parent's holiday cottage in Cornwall for the summer. We'd been continuously drunk for four or five weeks when we decided to cook a meal with everything we could find in the kitchen. Stuff that I can remember putting in the Really Big Pan included:

Pasta
Rice
Ketchup
Tea
Coffee
Brown sugar
Eggs
Flour
Cheese
Soy sauce
Branston Pickle (told you)
Strawberry jam
Cornflakes
Leftover pizza
A lemon
Beer
Tinned meatballs
Margarine

It made us puke, which momentarily sobered us up. Luckily we were able to remedy the situation by going straight back to the pub.

(

Purple Martin is board sigless, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 1:35, archived)

Messy Yard

I too am a student. I recently returned to my lovely student house with my Father who had driven me up. He was looking out of the window into our back yard where he saw the cremated onion rings my pal had chucked out there a few weeks before.

Later, in the pub, he asked if our nighbours were OK and did I want some advice on how to scare off cats.

Took me ages to figure out what he was on about.

(castro, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 2:06, archived)

reminds me of a party i had as a kid

somebody decided to heat up some baked beans directly on the hob (without a pan) and eat them with the spoon we fed the cat with

(

Spoon, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 13:46, archived)

the worst food i ever cooked

i had some hamburger helper one time and the meat was bad and i was throwing up all night.

(jzep, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 2:46, archived)

Not really food, but still amusing,

My boyfriend is American (and as we all know I'm English). I'd just moved in with him, and one night said I was gagging for a cup of tea. He offered to make it for me saying he had some teabags somewhere and he asked how I liked it.
I said "milk and two sugars, please".
He brings it over to me, and it looked rather weak and milky, but being polite I decided to take a sip and spat it straight out on the cat*.
He'd made it with rosehip herbal tea. But it was sweet of him. Needless to say, I legged it to the shop and bought some Tetleys.

*the cat ran out of the way.

(

Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 3:54, archived)

in kindergarten

i made a sandwich using dill pickles and graham crackers. it was understandably horrible: i spit it out in the big kindergarten trough/sink

(

Pee-Bob, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 7:02, archived)

I forgot this one!

When I was 12, mum was making Sunday dinner - Roast beef, veggies, yorkshire puddings, roast spuds - the full works.
She had to pop out to the corner shop for some fags or something, so she asked me to watch the gravy.
So I pulled up a stool, and watched the gravy......for a half hour as it burnt it's way to the bottom of the pan.
Dearest mumsie STILL tells new boyfriends that, and gets a kick out of telling people who've heard the story a zillion times.
Bitch.

(

Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 7:54, archived)

reminds me of when i was 6

nothing to do with cooking, but i felt ill one day at school - my teacher (obviously knowing in the ways of 6 year olds) told me go to go to the toilet. So i went there, and waited just stood there by the sinks. A few minutes later she come along, shouts in "are you alright?" i shout "no i still feel ill".
My mum came and took me home, where i ran in and did the biggest shit ever. I spent the rest of the day watching cartoons on tv.

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dipdapdop, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 15:49, archived)

Reminds me of when I was 6

Spookily. I was being lairy in class and told to pull my socks up. Which I duly did.
The teacher went ballistic, and I was like 'What? What the hell? I just did what you told me'

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Gribbley, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 0:57, archived)

Oh god, this one's even more embarrassing.

Mum and evil cunt stepfather always did Sunday dinner, and one day I'd been out to my friends (I was 13 or so) house.
I always used to ask mum why they put a cut in the bottom of the sprouts, and they always told me it was because of the alligators. Of course I always laughed them off (while secretly thinking of ways to kill my stepfather), but the insisted.
So anyway, this one day after getting back from my friends house, I got home and Sunday dinner was on the go....
"mum, why do you put cuts in the bottom of the sprouts"
"for the alligators to get out, darling"
"fuck you"
and on it went.
Meanwhile, the cunt, er I mean stepfather comes in with a plaster on his finger and blood all over it. So of course I asked what was wrong and he said an alligator bit him
Ha ha I said, you're full of shit....but they persisted.
And persisted about the alligators.
So then at dinnertime, I turned a sprout over to get it on my fork, and there was blood all over it.
I screamed, my dinner went all over the floor and my mum, the cunt and my twin are rolling around laughing their asses off.

Of course, I never believed it was the alligators at all. I KNEW it was fake. I KNEW I KNEW I KNEW.

Dammit.

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Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 7:58, archived)

Have you ever heard of a Monte Cristo sandwich?

It's a popular dish at Disneyland, apparently. It starts life as a fairly nice sounding turkey, ham and cheese sandwich, but then gets dipped in batter, deep fried and served with sugar sprinkled on top. Fruit compote and watered down jammy sauce on the side.

Recipe about halfway down here.

Then again, maybe that sounds nice to you.

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HairyCanary as Ann B. Davis as Alice, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 9:19, archived)

Monte Cristo ...

You can get that most places here.
US food still fascinates me. I remember first couple of
days here staying in a hotel. At breakfast buffet watching people calmly walk round putting savoury items on a plate; sausages;eggs; potatos etc then covering everything in syrup.

(stumsc, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 15:53, archived)

Monte Cristo

Ive been to Disneyland many times, and have never heard of such a thing. and whats wrong with putting syrup on your breakfast? It tastes better that way

(Kooki, Mon 13 Oct 2003, 4:54, archived)

I ate pasta and gravy once....

because I had nothing else being the poor student that I was then. Now I eat a spit roast hog with larks tongues and a pound of caviar every day. followed by the customary waffer thin mint of course.

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darth munki is flipping livid, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 9:22, archived)

Another one -

My girlfriedn and I cooked a birthday cake for myself once. We went a bought a non-stick cake tin specially for the occasion.

Whilst leaving the oven to warm up, I was assigned egg beating duty - however it was a really stormy day and the eggs took forever to get all fluffy. It took about 40 minutes to get the egg mixture ready.

Anyway, poured it into the cake tin, stuck it in the oven and started to walk away.

Almost immediately smoke started pouring from the oven. She opened the door and removed a cremated cake and then tried to turn off the oven. The knobs crumbled into dust.

The thermostat in the oven had gone and it had been getting hotter, and hotter and hotter all the time it took to get the mixture ready. By the time we put the cake in it was hot enough to melt the non-stick coating off the tin - there were little globules of metal on top of the carbonised cake.

We had to pull the fuse to the oven to get it to turn off as it was plugged into the wall behind the oven housing, and there was no way I was reaching back there.

Must search the net for the melting point of teflon to see how hot it actually got...

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chthonic, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 9:32, archived)

About 300 Celcius

Apparantly

/Edit: All you ever wanted to know about Teflon but didn't care about at all...

(Dopefish, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 10:08, archived)

blimey

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teflon, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 0:36, archived)

The difference between tbsp and tsp...

On a couple of occasions when following recipes, I've managed to misread teaspoon as tablespoon... This happend when I made burritos one time, and added a tablespoon, rather than a teaspoon of cloves.

They tasted like chili toothpaste and actually made my tongue go numb.

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biggus_richus, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 9:39, archived)

I can't remember how old i was

but i basically came up to the worktop in the kitchen, so probably about 5 or 6.

My mum used to make lovely Scramptions every so often. For those of you not from the north of England they are like REALLY chunky bacon rashers but instead of strips they have depth: crackly skin on the outside, layer of fat, lovely meat, layer of fat and then another layer of fat of a different colour.
Mum would roast them in the oven and they were my favourite meal.
She also bought them frozen and so would thaw them out the night before.
Being a small and annoying child i was always up and making noise before anyone else. This particular morning, on the kitchen sink drainer, i had found fresh, newly defrosted raw scramptions, still in their Clingfilm and styrofoam packet.
Now i wasn't a total idiot and realised that eating raw meat wasn't a good idea. However, at this point i did discover why i must like them so much, they appeared to be sitting in a watery sauce of strawberry juice.
mmmm yum

I can see you're all way ahead of me so i'll skip to the point where my mum comes down the stairs to see me drinking raw pigs blood.

I'm a vegetarian now...

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KittyWaste lives at Sleepingplanet.com, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 10:13, archived)

Hot summers weekend

I used to work in a shop and we had a butcher. One weekend he left a bag full of meat parts by the back door but forgot to put it in the skip. When we came back in on a monday morning after a hot weekend there was a bag full of smell dead animals. I was given the job of putting it in the skip as I lifted it up to put it in the skip the bag split and about 4 pints of pigs blood poured over my head.

(Andrew Gilfrin, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 8:26, archived)

My two main kitchen comedy moments

The most impressive mistake in the kitchen was when I tried to make a meal involving fried rice. I hadn't (and still havevn't) got the faintest clue how it should be done, so I reasoned:

Big suacepan
Bit of oil
Make them really, really hot.
Add the rice (raw, of course), and shuffle it about a bit.

The resulting clouds of smoke (which were for some reason a rather pretty blue colour)meant my flat (12 of us in student halls) had to be evacuated.

The first kitchen disaster I can remember is entirely the fault of warner brothers, Gods though they are. I was a tiny child, and had just seen a cartoon with pirates in carrying big, curvey swords. To test how sharp they were they ran their fingers along the blades before leaping into battle. Cartoon finished, I went into the kitchen where my mum had just finished sharpening the carving knife. The resulting scene, my mum's back turned for a moment, can be best described as

"Yaaarr...aaaAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!".

(Not very much gravitas at all, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 10:29, archived)

Worst Food

I didn't discover "garlic" or raw chillies until I was at college. It was a revelation.
Bored of Baked Beans On Toast, with cheese on top, I decided I'd try and spruce it up - by frying a couple of gloves of chopped up garlic & raw green chillies, and chucking them on top too. The next day, the beans had there obvious affect on my bowels - trouble was, this not only stank, but gave me a new problem - "afterglow".

I since calmed down with my Garlic usage, and can recommend a festive special - Garlic Sprouts. Marvellous. Par boil the sprouts, then gentle fry the bastards in garlic. Mmm. Its a weird taste, and only advisable for those with an outside toilet.

(Lemon Fresh Gusset, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 10:38, archived)

Are we related ?

If not, should we be ?

I LOVE Chillis, my Jalepeno plant is coming to the end of it's useful life, but I can't complain, I've had over 200 stinking hot chillis off the fucker in the last 3months, and my homegrown garlic kills at 40 paces !

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The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 17:52, archived)

when

I was a kid, I was hungry one morning but there wasn't anything much to put in a sandwich, so I improvised. I thought I like sweets, so a hundreds and thousands sandwich it was with thick marge, it was so rancid.

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aubergene, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 10:38, archived)

That's normal

In Holland (where I live), eating hundreds and thousands on bread is perfectly normal. Not just in a some people do it kind of way but in an actually promoted food dtuff kind of way.
If you go to the bit of the supermarket where you buy Jam and other stuff to put on your bread you get these things calles sprinkles, they come in all varieties from multi coloured candy stuff, akin to hundreds and thousands, to chocolate sprinkels (which aren't really chocolate more like kind of hard vaguely chocolate tasting stuff). You butter single pieces of bread and put candy sprinkles on them, not a practice I join the Dutchies in I hasten to add.
My disaster was when I was about 11 and I decided to make a cake, I think I left out the flour but it didn't rise and instead solidified into this black 2 inch thick block. I'd made it in one of my mum's fancy cake tins that had a bottom that popped out for easy cake access. It didn't help me much....to get it out I had to turn it over on the kitchen floor and jump up and down on the bottom of the tin until it finally unattached itself from the sides. My dad then used it to kill a cat in our back garden, my Dad hates cats

(My dad didn't really, that bit was artsitic license, the rest was true though. My Dad does hate cats, and it was hard enough and heavy enought to kill a cat but he didn't actually use it to do so :)

(Peachykeen, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 12:34, archived)

A drunk evening at Cheeky Chap's seaside resort:

Mustard + Coca-Cola + Vodka + Various spices.

The smell was, uh, something.

(loff, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 10:51, archived)

Kerboom....!

My step mum once cooked a FreyBentos meat pie -you know the ones in the can - without taking the can lid off first. The resulting explosion blew the glass out of the oven door.

She also didnt realise that you had to cook corn on the cob, or when to stop peeling sprouts (they ended up the size of peas). Yummy!

(I'm not giving my name to a freaking machine, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 11:03, archived)

i cooked rice in

the kettle

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Obz Click, ting, stamps, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 11:04, archived)

The Amazing Spaghetti BologConcrete

I have absoloutely no cooking skills and even the toaster poses a challenge 2 me, so this cooking experience comes from doing cooking in high school, we had to make spaghetti bolognese, it all started well put the spaghetti in the pan of boiling water till it softens, good stuff, it all went wrong when it was time to apply the ragu as a pose to adding the ragu correctly i just slopped it on and sat stirring unawares that the ragu was turning to burnt concrete at the bottom of the pan, by the end i had to chisel the meal out of the pan and then hid the burnt pan b4 my teacher saw it and decided to beat me hehe :p.

my bro also once made lard butties very nice

(Count Spazula, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 11:19, archived)

Hmmm...

reminds me of a great cooking trick I used to use...

Fill kettle with water.
Place egg (or 2) in kettle
Boil kettle.
While kettle is boiling, make toast.
Once kettle is boiled, you should have a nice soft-boiled egg(or 2) and toast and boiled water for a cup of tea.

Unfortunately, should the egg bounce around too much in the boiling water and hit the kettles element and crack the shell...
Then you end up wit a rather eggy kettle.

When it works it's great tho. prolly best with someone elses kettle to be honest

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GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 0:11, archived)

My grandmother is not known as a top chef.

One of her most memorable meals was "spaghetti bolognaise". This consisted of spaghetti that had been boiled for a day or two, until it was as thick as a man's wrist, a deathly white colour, and dissolved when it was touched by moderately strong air currents.
The sauce really had two components. Part one was the mince. This was basically the filling of a shepherd's pie. Mince and gravy. Not even nice gravy. I suspect it had been boiled. Now obviously, your spaghetti bolognaise needs a tomato based sauce. Why go to the bother of making your own, when the good people at Heinz will make it for you. They call it "Tomato Ketchup", but it's basically a tomato sauce, right? So, layer the ghost of spaghetti, mince and gravy, and top off with ketchup (I lied about Heinz to impress you. This was almost certainly Wilko's or Kwik Save's own make). Well, that may be nice enough, but what's missing? The vegetables! So, serve your "spaghetti walkeraise" with a nice hearty side order of winter cabbage, boiled for a week, to remove all trace of vitamins, colour, taste and texture. Mmmmm-mmmm!

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Geordie Al, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 11:24, archived)

Yum

At Uni I was placed with a spanish room mate for a year (no idea why).

In spain they have sausages.
In britain we have sausages.
There are however, fundamental differences, which he discoved after I came downstairs to the kitchen to find him sitting with a pack of raw Walls breakfast bangers, peeling each like a banana and popping them in his gob.
Didn't happen again...

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Weetobix, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 11:30, archived)

I was at someones house..

...and couldn't find the margarine. All I could find was butter, which I didn't fancy, but tried it anyway. After smoothing some out onto several sandwiches I noticed the new taste. It seemed ... unusual, but I managed to eat the whole lot.

It wasn't until after the house-owner got back that they asked why the lard was still out....

(G-Funk, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 17:12, archived)

I have a sweet tooth and a savoury cock

Once (for a dare) I ate hot Jam roly-poly + custard with a jar of seaside cockles (plus accompanying vinegar) poured over the top. It was surprisingly foul.

Also I once, famously, ate chips out of a bin because I was pissed. And fat.

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chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 11:40, archived)

Seaside fare

What you want is that classic seaside disk of cocklefloss, a stick of candy floss with a sprinkle of cockles.

(Andrew Gilfrin, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 8:31, archived)

ATTENTION : THE MAGIC INGREDIENT IS------->

Cider, scrumpy Jack is good but strongbow is the best. This cunnig and cheap ingredient changes any minging meal in to a masterchef candidate. Cus Cus...pah, nuthing with out strongbow..yeah!

Also try the infamous GORDBOW..this evil but tasty number is a pint of strongbow with a shot of gordons gin....believe, its gooood

(g()()()se, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 11:50, archived)

My landlord

once was very ill - I asked him what had happened. He said "I came back from the pub and looked in the fridge for something to eat. There were some smoked mackerel fillets in the back, so I scraped most of the fur off them and had them with some pickle."

He was ill for three days.

Don't do it kids.

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chthonic, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 11:52, archived)

Mate of mine

training to be a nurse, had a really nice recipe for fruit salad with a bit of sherry over it. Being a poor student, he hadn't the cash for sherry, but being a nursing student, he did have access to large amounts of surgical spirit. Which, it turns out, doesn't work very well as a substitute for sherry in anything you're planning to put in your mouth. Especially if you're hoping not to be very, very ill later that evening.

(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Thu 9 Oct 2003, 12:01, archived)

The most revolting meal

I was involved in was an attempt to create that gastronomic delight "stuffed heart". Unfortunately, we omitted to cut out the various vascular tubes before stuffing and cooking the organ. Really very nasty to eat.

Another memorable meal was the result of a raid on a communal kitchen when trashed and suffering from serious munchies. We garnered a packet of bacon and some curry powder. The resulting bacon curry was almost inedible but we ate it anyway.

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Mod Edit, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 12:23, archived)

Chocolate Cheesecake

My sister-in-law is a bad cook - 100% for effort, 0% for results, kind of thing.

She was making a chocolate cheesecake, and the recipe called for something like 200g of "soft cheese" (meaning mascarpone).

Not really knowing what this meant, she went out and bought the equivalent weight of Dairylea.

It actually tasted like feet smell.

(MrMessiah, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 12:25, archived)

well everyone has got better/more stories than me but that's not gonna stop me

The best meal i ever made was Fish Fingers Tikka Masala with Spaghetti. It was fab.
But the worst ever was this cake that my friend & I made, age 12. It was fine until we took it out of the oven to see if it was done, when we turned it out onto the cooling rack. Unfortunately the cake was still liquid inside so we scraped it all back into the tin and stuck it back in the oven.
Anyway when it was really done we put blue and green icing on it, and it all seeped in and looked disgusting. Come to think of it it was disgusting.
Fin

(noahlovesnesquick, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 12:38, archived)

Not cooking exactly

Dr John and I came back from the pub craving more booze. We had no mixers for the vodka until Dr John spotted the Lemsip.

*dr john is a medical doctor, this experiment was conducted in a controlled environment by experts. do not try it at home.

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PeterSeychelles, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 12:56, archived)

my near death experience

one time when i was a student i got really mashed and had the munchies really bad, so i decided to cook some rice but couldn't be bothered to wait for it to cook properly. after wolfing it down,the next thing i knew my stomach had swelled so much and i was rolling about on the bathroom floor trying to puke it all up (quite difficult to do that actually), in absolute agony and praying to god that i wouldn't die.
let this be a warning to all!

(etvald, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 13:03, archived)

grim fact of the day

that was in fact a form of torture in some countries

facinating eh?

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Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 18:40, archived)

At primary school I knew

a particularly psychotic brother and sister, who were upset one day when their dad refused to let them have fish and chips for tea, so upset, infact, that they put the (live) goldfish in the oven....
(to the best of my knowledge they didn't eat them though - although I do happen to know that she worked and may still work in a bakery)

My brother and the next door neighbours once told me some pig shaped soaps were pink chocolate, and I ate one of those too.
..
...
....

Oh alright, it was only last week

*sobs*

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100% kitten better than ever, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 13:03, archived)

At a festival last year..

...we had melted wagonwheel sandwiches.

Sounds fantastic, but I dare you to eat a whole one before your teeth drop out.

(Scribble, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 13:06, archived)

Welsh cakes of mingggg

Me and my girlfriend got horribly, horribly pissed one night and decided to make the well-known welsh delicacy called welsh cakes (original name, eh?)
Anyway, *apparently* they are meant to be made with eggs and currents and flour and stuff but we had nowt.
Beer told us that: Mayonnaise=eggs (well, 8%)
and: crumbled up jaffa-cakes=currants (mmm, jaffa cakes)

Never cook when pissed...

(El Doug, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 13:25, archived)

Sheep attack

In a friends student flat they where so poor they snuck along to the local abattoir in the dead of night and lumped a sheep over the head with a brick (after chasing it around the field for 1/2 an hour). They then pushed it 2 miles back to the flat in a shopping trolley and butchered it in the shower with a pen knife. Lamb chops for all.
It's not the worst food but it's a strange way to get some mutton stew.

(cort16, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 13:12, archived)

I'm disturbed by that.

Yet equally impressed.

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Fronkle99, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 13:30, archived)

Tuna Salad Terror

I was making tuna salad for a sandwich and was down to my last can of tuna. I had unloaded the tuna into the bowl and dropped a blob of mayonaise on top, and started to shake on some paprika for extra piquancy, but the shaker top was loose and half the jar of paprika pours out. YAAARGH! Thinking quick, I got my shop vac out and attented to suck up the excess paprika. I underestimated the suction power of the vac and FOOP! up went the paprika... and the Mayonaise! Then entire length of the vacuum's hose was coated with slime and it took me a month to clean it out.

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Whiffert Support the Free Balogna Movement!, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:04, archived)

Yoghurt

At school we were dissecting sheep's eyes. Two of them went missing and ended up mysteriously in the strawberry yoghurt at lunch. Best strawberries Guy guisborne ever had I think

(moodydealer, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:15, archived)

Not really a 'cooking' tale but...

Years ago I had a girlfriend who had been ill for a while and had gone to stay with her parents.

She came home and one Sunday a month or so later she suggested that we visit these parents.

So off we pop to mum and dads house where I foolishly offer to cook dinner (as G/F pointed out that I am a rather good cook).

It was a hot July day and I was happily in the kitchen cooking chinese food (Spicy beef and noodles with fried rice) but I was getting a little warm what with the heat of the cooking and the sun streaming in through the windows..

The mum enters the kitchen and I asked her if she had anything cold to drink. "Yes" she replied "There's some fresh orange juice in the fridge"..

As I opened the fridge I had one of those TV advert moments where you look into the cool fridge and see a carton of orange juice with drips of water running down the sides, a beautiful site to behold indeed.

G/F enters kitchen and says hello as I reach into the fridge for the juice.

Being so hot and thirsty I decided not to get a glass but to drink direct from the carton, I titled my head and poured into my mouth swallowing madly to comabat the thrist..

The I felt it - Lumps, not nice pulp lumps but thick green rancid mould and bitter foul off orange juice. I pulled the carton away and coughed green spores into the air..

It turned out that the juice had been bough when sick G/F was staying there and as nobody else drank it it had been left to fester and grow a skin all of its own..

I threw, I spewed, I was sick over G/F, sick over dinner, the side, the cooker, the floor I was sick everywhere for about an hour - I still retch now at the thought..

Suffice it to say that it was all my fault according to G/F and parents so G/F and I broke up very soon after (In car on way home in fact)..

That's a pretty bad cooking story for ya, tho' I'm a very good cook myself and the Chinese had it not been coated in green mouldy sick would have been well tasty.

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Darryn.R, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:16, archived)

woops, that's a bit of a fucker

reminds me of the time i cracked a rotten egg in to a frying pan, i retched so hard i pulled a muscle in my stomach and it hurt for a week

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Spoon, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:22, archived)

On the subject of ex partners...

My ex-boyfriends parents were terrible cooks, they used to make roast beef, chips, baked beans and gravy, and they used to dish it all out for me before I could get to it, as I was a guest.

Did I forget to mention that the baked beans were cold? Now, cold baked beans are ok with nice hot chips, but cold baked beans and hot gravy?

Since it was the first visit to meet his parents, I couldn't very well say anything, so I tried to eat it. I think that it's perhaps one of the most revolting combinations of tastes and textures that food could possibly have.

We split up. Partly because I didn't like visiting his parents...

(Kittykat, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:24, archived)

You never said whether the

stir fry was any good tho'

(Plum Pidgeon, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 18:26, archived)

"Vegetable" Jalfrezi

Only had 5 quid left at the end of the month, and that was for me lunch on the friday. No meat of any sort, just curry sauce, potatoes and rice. Oh well.

Cooked it, looking like a pile of crap on a plate, and started eating it. The curry sauce was so hot I thought I was going to faint - but i fared better than my wife, it gave her an athsma attack on the first forkful.

The cheeseburgers we bought from Mucky D's were better, now thats saying something!

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LuftWaffle, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:30, archived)

Waldorf salad

but with cabbage and pears instead of lettuce and apple. Rather soggy. But I was only six.

(

xx, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 14:42, archived)

Tuna pasta surprise

My wife persuaded me to cook for her one night. It's not that unusual an occurrence, I do a pretty good lasagne. Actually, that's about the only thing I cook, but I am good at it.

Anyway, she suggested tuna pasta bake, and I complied. I was merrily getting the pasta cooked, and heating up the oven, when she pops in to suggest having some vegetable with it, meaning the frozen veg from the cupboard.

Not really paying attention, I got the frozen vegetables and threw then into the dish, along with the pasta, and the sauce. I stirred it all up, feeling only vague disquiet at the fact that the frozen broccoli was sticking up through the top of the mixture.

When it came out of the oven, the wife was rather surprised indeed. The vegetables were a long way from being cooked, apart from the ends of the broccoli which were lovely and juicy.

And the surprise? In my efforts to get the frozen vegetables into the dish, there was no room for the tuna.

Quickie: When about 17, my parents went away for a few days, taking my siblings with them, and leaving me home alone.

not knowing much about cooking, I got out the frozen chicken nuggets and heated up the deep fat frier. This was on the hob, not one of these fancy ones with thermostats and girly things like that.

It said on the packet that it would take 20 minutes to cook... just the ticket, that was about enough time to build and smoke one of my special cigarettes, which would assuredly make the chicken nuggets taste better anyway. Being clever, I even set an alarm clock, as you know how time flies at times like that.

Anyway, twenty minutes later I went out to find the kitchen filled with smoke, which was emanating at a scary rate from the deep fat frier. Probably a *very* narrow escape, my slightly dazed brain just grabbed the pan and ran for the back door.

Captain Birds-Eye nearly burnt my house down! Beardy-wierdy!

I dined on crisps and chocolate that night. yum!

(weedom, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 15:22, archived)

Again

not one I actually cooked, but did have to eat:

Mate of mine at uni had a really, really, really horrible little bastard of a brother, a crusty called Paul who was so foul he'd once worn a baseball cap 24 hours a day for six months to see what happened (what happened was his hair sort of matted into a lump not unlike a flat rhino horn which slowly migrated down his back as his hair continued to grow). Anyway, he was laying low for a bit over the matter of some unpaid fines and came to stay with his brother in the wilds of the north coast of Northern Ireland. Given that every person who met him hated him on sight, we used to wonder what it would take for his bruv to tell him to fuck off or be killed. What it took was for him to start cooking. I only ever sampled his work once, when what was on the menu was:
* Smash mash made with half water and half tomato ketchup
* Some crispy brown stuff, which may have involved onions at some stage
* Raw carrots
and by way of piece de resistance
* Some pink stuff that he refused to tell us what it was

When we tried the pink stuff, it quickly became clear that the reason he didn't want to tell us what it was, was that it was strawberry Cremola Foam mixed with milk to make a searing yet creamy paste that tasted like nothing I've ever had before or since.

(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Thu 9 Oct 2003, 15:18, archived)

My first attempt at bombay potato

As a student:

The recipe said to add a handfull of chopped fresh red peppers.
didn't have any.
Used a handfull of small dried peppers I bought from an asian supermarket in an unmarked bag.

The result was like eating concentrated evil.

(

Weetobix, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 15:25, archived)

I tried to pull a bird with a butternut pumpkin

I was single and suffering at the hands of one of my mates who fancied herself as a matchmaker. She took me out to a club to meet one of her single friends. We didn't hit it off, but matchee #2 had a mate who did push my buttons. We got to talking and I boasted about how, being a single bloke, I was a dab hand in the kitchen. Invited her around for dinner the following night as "proof".

She was a veggie, and I'm not, and didn't know any suitable recipies so decided to decide to make up something as I went along. Butternut pumpkin was in season, so I bought one with the idea of stuffing it with something or other and serve with roast veges.

With the oven full of roasting veges I decided to cook the pumpkin in the microwave. So, I lopped off the top, scooped out the gooey bit, filled it full of rice, chopped zucchini, carrots and stuff like that. Popped the lid back on stuck it in the microwave for thirty minutes.

Sometime during this cooking period she turned up and oohed and aaahed at my prowess in the kitchen. Thirty minutes of nuking and the pumpkin was still hard, so it went in for another ten minutes, then a further ten in a vain attempt to heat up the "stuffing". By that time the roast veges were, umm, overdone a tad, and not even a liberal dosing with instant gravy (chicken - but I didn't tell her) could revive them.

I think she took pity on me coz she threw me a sympathy shag anyway.

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Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 15:48, archived)

what the fuck is a butternut pumpkin?

did you put that because you thought you'd look a twat when you tried and failed to spell 'squatch'

shit

anyway I made me and my then girlfriend (soon to become ex i might add) some fish fingers and some mashed potatoes but she was in the shower. so whilst she did her girly stuff I thought i'd make the mash ultra-mashed and spent the time mashing and mashing and mashing. then i put them in the food processor. by this time (she took fucking ages in the shower) the mash was so mashed it was almost water - 30 minutes of mashing had made it almost textureless btu I still thought it would taste alright. Funnily enough it tasted like alien spunk. can't really explain it in words that don;t actually contained potatoes but try it for yourself and you'll see what i mean you lazy bastards

(dazron, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 12:04, archived)

Thank you for asking

A butternut pumpkin is what we call this vegetable here in Australia.

You feel free to call it whatever you like in your locale though.

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Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Sun 12 Oct 2003, 13:09, archived)

crap soup

not made by me, but rather suffered:
I was living with a family of lardy carnivores, and the daughter had decided to go veggie. Unfortunately she wasn't a very good cook to begin with, and was rather clueless when it came to vegetables too. So when it was her turn to cook one night she produced vegetable soup. Between 6 of us, the total ingredients for this splendid evening meal were:
a large pan of water, a little salt, one carrot.

everyone looked at each other and headed for the chippy.

for all I know, it may well have been tasty. If you like your food in homeopathic doses.

(meepmeep is, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 16:00, archived)

I've often listed this as one of the lowest points of my life

I once had a new years' party for some friends in an empty house in a small village that someone had just moved out of. I woke up the next morning with an evil hangover and an overpowering need for food. Everyone was asleep and all the local shops were shut so I hunted around and found a pizza base and a tin of barbecue beans. There were vitually no utensils in the house, but we had a can opener for the bottle-opening end. So I opened the cold beans, spread them on the cold pizza base and ate the result, cold, off the kitchen worksurface with my bare hands.

It was every bit as horrible as you might imagine. And the worst of it is I was so hungry I just kept eating, even though every bite just made me feel more and more lowly and pathetic. It probably served me right since at about 6am that morning I'd decided to phone up everyone in my address book and wish them a happy new year.

(MattDP (Squiggle), Thu 9 Oct 2003, 16:12, archived)

This is my first post, please don't slaughter me

But, I recently moved out of my parent's home, first time on my own. One night I decided I wanted coffee, however I had no coffee maker. Being the genius I am, I figured an expresso machine and coffee machine are the same thing, how wrong I was. The result became a nice cup of java that was the consistency of mud, smell of charcoal and hazelnut. I couldn't get it past my nose to taste it.

It left a nice stain in the cup, though. I still can't remove it. Dammit.

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Lisette von Falcon, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 16:30, archived)

After a rather interesting night downing 2 litre bottles of White Lightening,

me and my mate decided to rustle up some home made chips. So after chopping up a bag of spuds that we found at the bottom of her veg rack, we tossed them into the boiling hot oil. About an hour later we decided that the tasty morsels must be done and served up a huge plateful. Munching our way through them we decreed that they were delicious and passed out in a drunken stupor. 10am the next morning we awoke to the sight of a half empty plate of delicious looking trolls bogeys sprinkled with what looked like dandruff and swimming in piss. Further investigation found that the dandruff was actually baking soda and the piss was flat White Lightening.

Oh how we laughed.....

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Scary Mary The D'oh Fairy, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 16:36, archived)

Try this...?

As a student, with a crap job, crap pay, still living at home, and who enjoys the occasional.....well ok then, most of the time who enjoys a few pints or 12. I decided to come home one night with a couple of good buddies, after getting smashed on most of the stuff available (Birthday i believe) and on the way, we pooled our money together to pick up 4, yes 4 frozen chicken fillets in breadcrumbs. got it home, and wondered what to do with it.

....."Deep Fat Fryer?"
we praised this fine fellow for his genius and promptly whacked it in the deep fryer until crusty golden brown. whacked them all on plates with...yup tomato sauce.

We all decided that wrapping these fillets in kitchen towel stuff would be easier than looking for the cutlery or actually washing some from the evening meal.

We all took large bites out of these supposed delicious morsals with a large topping of ketchup...only to find out the bastards were frozen in the middle still! Still ate them and polished it off with a couple of vodka's each and a smoke in the garden.

Oh how the vomit hurled its way into next door's flower bed :D

(Beef_Sprog, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 17:19, archived)

Do you like pizza?

Do you like pasta? Well i do, and so does my housemate dave. We thought that because we loved pizza, and we loved pasta, pasta on a pizza would be just heavenly.

Never ever do that.

Also I would surjest not attempting to cook pasta in the kettle.
Or beef-burgers in a toaster.
It works in princable, but anyone who comes to use either applince in the future will hate you.

(DoomedMatt, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 17:27, archived)

Last year I was dating a guy who invited

me up to his place in LA for the weekend. The first night he cooked a great meal, and asked if I like tongue (ahem, beef tongue).
Oh yeah, it's lovely - seriously, had it plenty of times.

I popped out to visit a friend who lived just down the street from him, and when I came back he proudly showed me the tongue we were having for dinner....it was still raw, looked like a tongue including the little dotty bits on it.
Needless to say I didn't eat it after he cooked it and gorged on zucchini and beer instead.

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Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 17:55, archived)

Fairly obvious, I thought

Tesco's budget chicken kiev takes 1 hour at 150 from frozen, so it must only take half an hour at 300.

Me was ill... Ver' ill. For three days.

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TV's Nosemonkey, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 18:38, archived)

My dad

(never the world's most competent cook) was cooking pasta one night and - as an engineer - interpreted the measurements very strictly.

Therefore the instruction "boil in 5/7 pints of water" was deduced to mean cook pasta in five sevenths of a pint of water!

Result: nasty, burnt mess.

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splorp ®, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 18:44, archived)

About 6 years ago

I used to eat potato waffles a lot as a quick snack.
Until one day when the toaster went up in flames. Not sure what to do with it, I carried it downstairs and out into the garden. Luckily it was raining that day and the raindrops put the fire out.
Because I was still hungry and they were the last two waffles left, I still eat them. Although remembering afterwards that the green tinge to the flame was probably due to the workings of the toaster made me feel a bit ill.

I also used to microwave kit-kats to 'enhance the flavour'

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Mr Peet, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 18:49, archived)

Mustard and blue cheese sandwiches

first one was ok, second one inedible

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whelkboy is old now, you see, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 19:13, archived)

Gallery Of Regrettable Food

Seemed relevant
www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/

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JimM, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 19:27, archived)

Evil Pancakes

So its pancake day and I want to impress my live - in girlfriend. So off measuring I go. This much water this much mix etc etc. Except I was drinking White lightening at the time. I added the whithe lightening instead of the water (both equal amounts in pint glasses). Then she comes in...and she would flip if she knew I was on the cider again. So she ate the pancakes to be polite. Wow they were f'in terrible

(funk hole, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 20:14, archived)

A couple of quickies:

+ My parents once went away for a week leaving me alone with lots of money to feed myself with..which I promptly spent on vodka. After 5 days on slim rations I decided to concoct something out of many ingredients. The result:

A potato waffle, 2 fish fingers, 4 mini frozen yorkshire puddings and tinned spaghetti and sausages..in a bowl. Was quite lovely actually.

+ When I was in my early teens I went through a brief spate of microwaving ham sandwiches. I retch at the mere thought of it now.

+ Once many years ago at school we were reading Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory (or whatever the title is) and as a result were set homework to make our own sweets. On my way home that night I picked up a vast selection of chocolate products including a chocolate orange, chocolate mousse and lots of Cadbury's generic stuff..Caramel and the like. On arriving home I put everything into a bowl and microwaved it. When it was in its sludge form I decided to add taste and texture..in the form of fresh orange juice and rich tea biscuits.

The resulting..thing..smelt ungodly and according to the teacher who had to taste it was 'interesting'. The poor woman looked intensely ill after one spoonful.

(Cock Badger of Conkersausage, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 20:43, archived)

The worst food I ever cooked

chips made from smash.
it was late. we were pissed.
it took 30 minutes for us to constitute one 'whole' chip.
it promptly disitegrated when entering the chip pan.
dont do it kids......

(qwertyfan, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 21:06, archived)

milk and vodka

Sounds good, tastes like evil.

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cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 21:45, archived)

Boiled Rice Sandwiches...

...are particularly disappointing.

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chaotic_illuminator proud spacehopperist, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 22:05, archived)

I've got a packet of....

...spicy squid strips from Thailand. They actually taste quite nice, but Jesus the smell..... You can have the rest of them if you want - I only opened them today.

(Baa Lamb, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 22:11, archived)

Lidl

Well...it's not really cooking but I once heated some frankfurters from Lidl that proclaimed to be "Extra Crunchy!". Of all the properties I look for in a frankfurter, crunchiness is way down the list. Plus there was a picture of a chicken on the jar...so God knows what the Extra Crunchiness was..."Now with extra beak!"

(Billy Idol, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 22:55, archived)

Re: Cooking with cola & tomato soup cake

I'm not insane!

www.nancyskitchen.com/coca_cola_recipes.htm

www.theallineed.com/kitchen/tomato_soup_cake.htm

(Boss Mew Covfefe does not bargain...it only covfefes., Thu 9 Oct 2003, 23:03, archived)

my ex sister in law

didn't know the difference between a clove of garlic and a whole bulb.
Don't remember what it was she cooked with it, I couldn't taste anything else.
Do pregnant food stories count, my ex wife used to love fried cabbage with sweetened condensed mik.

(gamera, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 23:04, archived)

worst food ever

my mother once gave me pancakes with salt on them instead of sugar (the jars look alike, or so she SAYS)...yum

(GiantSquid, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 23:56, archived)

i once

mixed coffee whitener
with snow
do not attempt while sober.

(applecore, Thu 9 Oct 2003, 23:57, archived)

The WORST food I ever cooked

the first time I ever tried to make Fried rice.

I cracked the egg for the rice directly into the pan, without cooking it... then I didn't stir up the egg good enough so there were bits of raw egg in it.

I ended up becoming very ill all evening, along with my ex.

Other than that, I'm actually a pretty good cook.

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Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 0:09, archived)

I didn't "cook" this as such, but...

When I was still a lad, I had to make dinner for myself and my brother. Mum left some microwave chips and told me to read the packet for how to 'cook' them. I had four identical packets that each said "place in microwave for a minute and a half and eat". So, as I'm used to using an oven rather than a microwave, I put all four packets in the microwave together for a minute and a half without realising I had to multiply that minute and a half by the number of packets I was trying to cook. We both ate the quarter-cooked microwave chips, assuming that they tasted horrible because they were microwave chips. The result? He was up all night vomiting and I was sent home from school by the nurse the next day. I wouldn't have minded the day off school, but I really did feel bad. Lesson learned.

(Ash Oops, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 0:31, archived)

a mate of mine enjoys

toast with pate and brown sauce on it.

It mings.

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teflon, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 0:51, archived)

my landlady's cooking

i am actually a rather splendid cook, but have been unfortunate enough to have suffered other's ideas of what constitutes fine fare.

The very worst was staying as a boarder in Leicester, along with a photography student. A truly appalling Mrs Bucket kind of landlady and her meek and silent husband.

This is 1979, and pizza was NEW!!! to Britain.
Our dinner one night was a small supermarket pizza which our landlady had cooked in the oven without removing the disk of polystyrene that was part of its packaging.
It was baked and melted into the pizza crust.
The other lodger and myself made our excuses without eating much, and left the table, later heading for the chip shop.

Apparently the landlady's husband ate all of his pizza that night, roasted polystyrene too.

(Man in Japan, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 4:49, archived)

it's a ditto

The polystyrene still on the pizza happened once with my parents. It was a few years ago and I can't remember who was responsible. I do remember lots of smoke and I'm pretty sure I ate some of the pizza (including the 'enhanced' base) before someone twigged.

(codebunny, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 10:36, archived)

watery cakes

i misread the instructions for a cake mix once, and instead of putting 1/4 (quarter) of a cup of water in, i put 1 to 4 cups of water (at my discretion!), i went for 2!
Very strange watery cake emerged.

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Beardo, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 9:58, archived)

Our motto was

'If you can't fry it, don't buy it'

Worst ever leftovers meal: Pasta twists and Safeway Fat-free Mayo.

Even the addition of chilli sauce could not render more that one twist edible.

(Mr_Douve, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 10:52, archived)

Almost certainly the Nantwich.

A creation of douglas adams in 'the meaning of liff'.

Take two slices of the driest foodstuff in your fridge and spread some of the most spread-like foodstuff in your fridge between them. Eat.

If you keep bread in your fridge then it doesn't count and you can't use it. And you're weird.

I do not recommend dairy on dairy; cheddar slices with mayo filling was... unpleasant.

(Frogstar, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 11:32, archived)

When I was living in Aberystwyth

as a student, I was sharing a house with a mate of mine. One night after the pub we came home to find that the cupboards were bare. Except for Weetabix and cream of tomato soup.
Hey Presto!, a meal for 2 drunkards.

Actually it tasted quite good, just like tomato soup with large croutons.

He didn't like his though; Miserable twunt.

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Monkboy, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 11:39, archived)

Was doing a spag bol.....

Didn't have any red wine for the sauce, so chucked in half a can of Copperhead cider instead.....

(Mr Joe Bangles, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 11:43, archived)

cheese sauce :s

I once wanted to make some cheese sauce to put ove rmy spaghetti when me and my bro were home alone, but somehow I was too lazy to read the recipee, so I think I just started heating milk and threw some cheese in it. anyway, what came out was like some white fluid (you know the sort) with like molten cheese bits, not tasting like cheese anymore on the bottom.
And me and my brother actually ate it all with the spaghetti.

(NoToRiouS, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 11:51, archived)

worst thing ever consumed

was when i was a lot younger, drinking underage in a mate's free gaff.
After the various beers led to raiding the drinks cabinet, I ended up with half a tumbler of whiskey. Needing a mixer, i poured in pure Ribena concentrate. In an attempt to rescue it, I then drunkenly poured in a handful of mixed spices.

Their white carpet was much improved by the purple circle.

Oh, and by the by, a friend of mine once (when we were all moving into a house together in the states, unfurnished at time) ate a squashed white thing on the floor for a bet.
He swore blind it was old popcorn, one of the lads said styrofoam, I said a veruca.

Ten dollars saw that one nearly eaten. He bit a piece off, chewed thoughtfully...

Then spat it across the room - "It's NOT POPCORN!".
Best $10 I ever made.

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WhoElse I'm what Willis was talking about, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 11:55, archived)

my best mate

has a 'marvellous' recipe for her version of a full english breakfast.

It contains...

-Avocado filled with baked beans and chocolate scrambled eggs.

Strangely I'm never hungry on a morning at hers...

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kitty_cat, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 11:58, archived)

About 4 years ago...

in my student house, we developed a great love for "eggy bread". Fried bread and eggs together so the egg kind of "envelopes" the bread.

Anyway, my housemates brother came to stay with us for the weekend and brought a couple of bottles of wine with him. Drinking and general excesses ensued... and we became hungry.

We had eggs and bread... and wine! So we decided to make "Eggy Bread Flambé"!

It was fantastic. We almost burned down half of the kitchen. The burn-marks on the overhead cupboards still remain to this day!

The soggy, red-wine drenched eggy bread tasted shite though.

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dogbomb, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 12:07, archived)

Once I made an interesting cake.

I hope this isn't too late.

Once I made a banana and celery cake. It was, somehow, both moist and crunchy, and both salty and sweet. It was an interesting cake, it has to be said.

Obviously I took the stringy bits out of the celery first. I'm not completely stupid.

(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 12:42, archived)

I did once try making a curry with those hot bonnet chillis

I had no idea what they were like, I used about three. When I was frying them up with garlic I gassed the entire household. I could hardly breathe from the noxious fumes.

Needless to say the curry was uneatable, but I ate it anyway. Hottest damn thing I ever cooked, even a phall seems weak in comparison.

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dr_fonz, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 12:47, archived)

when

i was at uni i opened my cupboard and saw only two things. a bag of rice and a jar of marmalade. Due to the fact that my stomach was eating itself from the inside I made a LARGE steaming bowl of marmalade rice thinking, it can't be that bad...
but it was. it really really was.

However, I do not recommend a steaming bowl of rice with two large spoons of thick-cut marma-jam plopped into it.

it tasted rank.
bleugh.

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biscuits_alive taste my rainbow, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 13:41, archived)

I once..

...attempted to Enter the Sandwich with my good friend Liam. It was surprisingly tasty.

(The Secret 7000 ...join us. www.secret7000.co.uk, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 14:00, archived)

imagination : most dangerous of all the robots

three of us living in the same ($100) apartment took two hot dogs, cut them up, added a can of white potatoes, can of pork 'n beans, fresh sliced up onion and garlic, ketchup and hot sauce.

we called it "blister stew" because of the internal side effects. and then proceeded to make and eat it like three more times in a month.

holy mice, i had to edit this, because i forgot the main ingredient : a boatload of spanish beer. which is like 30% formaldehyde.

(clumsyassassin, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 14:21, archived)

sardines

I once curried sardines. They minged.

(james, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 14:46, archived)

I put microwave korma in

for 30 mins as i read the oven instructions rather than the microwave ones

(el_meerkat, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 14:59, archived)

Doner Kebab Pizza

...From a minging takeaway somewhere in Manchester. It was a frozen base with cheddar on top and slices of kebab meat which had the taste and texture of rancid tuna.

(Ponky, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 16:04, archived)

I don't care if I'm too late

I recommend coffee sandwiches. Just spread your white tasteless soft bread with marg, then sprinkle to taste (in my case, liberally) with instant coffee granules. Avoid the powdered types, you need granules for mouth-feel.

With any luck the marg melts slightly, picks up the coffee and you get a crunchy coffee sludge sandwich.

Yes, I discovered this when I was a student with an exam coming up on a subject I'd done very little to learn about.

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Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 16:04, archived)

Manc

My housemate at college used to live on pasta and bovril. I mean every meal: breakfast, dinner, tea. He ended up catching scurvy.

(Loafer, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 16:07, archived)

In the eighties when starbucks wasn't invented ...

... there was a drinks machine at college. The coffee was appalling, but almost drinkable if you added a couple of spoonfuls of instant hot chocolate. Didn't work quite so well if you pressed the tomato soup button by mistake though ...

Less accidentally, one birthday (think it was my eighth or ninth 21st) I got to blending cocktails with my whizzy new blender. Early next morning and the usual cocktail ingredients were running a bit low so ... vodka, vanilla ice cream and HP sauce anybody? Very much more than the sum of its parts.

On the way down and back up again.

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Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 16:25, archived)

another experience

I've had:
I wanted some Weetabix once. I was in a hurry for school, so I somehow mistook garlic salt for sugar. Mmm.

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trintrin has jam for blood, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 16:34, archived)

I once burnt a cup of tea in a microwave

Honest, i was hungover, my tea was cold so i popped it in the micro whilst i had a quick p, fell asleep on the bog, woke up to get me tea. found half a cup of "something that should not be". it must of been in there for 15mins, tasted it anyway.
I threw.

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piss j bungle Board sick, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 17:17, archived)

I enjoy...

...feeling wanted

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Weetobix, Sun 12 Oct 2003, 1:11, archived)

Word of advice

Never fry baked beans with tinned peas. I still wretch at the memory

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Ulic hissing slightly, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 16:44, archived)

Chocolate Pudding?

As a hungry child (probably about four or so) I was out of bed early one morning and hunting through the fridge for food. Upon spying a lovely big bowl of chocolate pudding I took a spoon and sat in the doorway of the fridge to chow down.
It was not long until my mum entered the kitchen to see her first born, under a spotlight, eating a bowl of cold, slightly congealed, gravy.

(castro, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 17:04, archived)

Chicken & Cheese

When I first moved into my current digs, I had no money for rent or fags or anything in fact. All I could afford was a block of cheap cheddar and a vacuum pack of Somerfield reprocessed wafer thin chicken slices. I survived for over a week by chipping corners off the cheese and wrapping them in slices of chicken - like poverty spring rolls.

(sentinel, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 17:26, archived)

Thunderburger - Instant Death

I had a cookout with an old buddy at his new house where he was showing off his brand new crappy grill. Well, he don't know how to use briquettes worth a damn, and had decided to make me a special burger, using some Thunderbird wine. It was really for the novelty, we had picked up the Thunderbird, sort of so we could say we tasted it!
So instead of marinating the meat, he poured the thunderbird, on the meat, whiel it was cooking on the grill! Then he thought he had put out the bricks, so he dumped more ligter fluid on them, while my burger was on the grill, and lit the blasting fire, all unbeknownst to me! I came ou and he presented me with a slightly done burger. The bread was so thick I couldn;t taste quite what was wrong until the very end. I crapped black for an entire week, and to this day, I cannot remember how I got home that night.
AA

(tokenmormon, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 17:36, archived)

Well

when I was about 18, I stayed at my then girlfriends house in the middle of the countryside. We were there for about 2 weeks coz her parents had gone on holiday. We didn't have any money, but there was loads of food in the house. Great, you may think, but we didn't count on the fact that basically all of my friends came to stay too. Needless to say the food didn't last very long. By the end of the second week, we were so hungry we decided to remdy the situation and went out with the air rifles. A few pellets later we'd bagged ourselves a woodpigeon. My girlfriend, a bit of a country type, did the business hacking of the legs and head and stuff. Popped it in the oven, and hey presto, a pathetic meal of a paltry, rather meat free pigeon. Tasted quite good though, like chicken, but with a strange tangy flavour. Not really something I would recommend. The irony is that we raised enough money to buy some air rifle pellets, but never thought to use the money for food.

Kids eh?

:)

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D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Fri 10 Oct 2003, 18:09, archived)

well, i'm an expert at bad food

hmmm, apparently most people don't like the idea of fish finger sweet and sour, nor do they like mackeral curry.

Also not popular was the alleged sausage casserole that a friend tried to steal a sausage from, only to find it was just burnt bits

-i've also
-burnt rice,
-been a member of the worst girl guide cook out team ever (we made undercooked sausage and raw onion thing on one occasion and spag bog that was in reality only mince meat on another),
-failed to hydrate vegi mince only for it to swell in mine and my friend's stomaches (don't try it),
-tried to make a swish dessert that contained the rind instead of the zest of an lemon

and convinced my boyfriend to cook on many occasions just to save his constitution and sanity

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 18:22, archived)

Stoned + munchies + limited food in the house =

Ham + Frosties + Sugar in a dry bread sandwich

(

Goosegog, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 18:15, archived)

When I was a kid

I used to make ash soup. Mmmmmmm

(chunky_munky, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 20:22, archived)

Irish cooking

Many years ago I worked on a building site with a bunch of paddies and they were gastronomic giants of men. Their idea of a meal was to use an inverted dustbin lid as a frying pan with a pack of lard thrown in along with 3-4lb of bacon and a dozen eggs. The resulting mess would just be divided evenly amongst them. Tea was made in a steel bucket with a pound of tea 2lb of sugar and a couple of quarts of milk all boiled up over a brazier. Strangely enough the tea and the fryup actually tasted great!

(Stunt slug If God existed I'd want to fight him, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 20:43, archived)

Terrible food from Asda.

I once lived in a student house with a man who ate asda smartprice sausages cooked in the microwave with uncooked smartprice mushy peas on the side. He also liked to buy two packets of smartprice instant noodles and a family pack of smartprice mince and fry them in a pan for about half an hour with no seasonings until they were a grey mush. Smartprice smartprice smartprice.
My reccomendation, though, is something you can get in asda called 'lorne sausage.' You get ten slices for a quid (or you did.) It was grade X burger meat in a loose square patty, frozen. And once I attempted to make a curry using squares of it, 2 tablespoons of curry paste and two tablespoons of butter. You have to try this yourself to see how bad an idea it is. Lorne sausage disintigrates when cubed. I probably burned the rice too.

(

Zuowan, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 20:53, archived)

Not really cooking...

but I once poured lots of vanilla essence (concentrated) into a bread roll.

Not edible, quite painful really.

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Duncan Disorderly, Fri 10 Oct 2003, 23:34, archived)

not what i've cooked but...

when my bro was little, his fave sandwich was heinz sandwich spread and lemon curd, and his fave drink was milkshake, made with orange squash as the flavouring. mmm..orange flavour curdled milk.

my home economics teacher wasn't the most hygienic person. we used to hate making pastry because she would always come along and *help* with mixing the fat and flour. she'd say, "no, you do it like this" and then proceed to wipe her nose along the back of her hand (she always seemed to have a cold)before plunging her hands into our pastry mix. suffice to say, those pastries ended up in the bin before they got home.

i guess the worst thing i've made for dinner is baked beans on cream crackers. we were skint and they were the only food in the cupboard. we thought, well, you have beans on toast, and crackers are kind of like bread....

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GigerVamp, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 0:21, archived)

Toastie fun

Picture a student house late at night.
Picture my friend who has a love of cheese and chutney toasties made in his own Breville sandwich iron.
Imagine this friend coming home drunk and hungry. No bread for his beloved toastie. What's starchy, thinks he?
Rice! So, into Breville goes some wet raw rice cheese and chutney. End of toastie maker, start of years of piss-takes.

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crgn, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 11:17, archived)

we murdered (we/I) a toastie thingy with ham and peas. Something to do with pea expansionand crap toasty hinges.

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Steerable_forehead Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration,don't fail me now, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 14:43, archived)

(1, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 9:52, archived)

hello

(nic0le, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 11:12, archived)

Worst thing ever

having had a heavy night of partying one saterday night, i slept most of sunday, only to wake at 5, and hungry. to late to get to tesco and to skint to get takeaway i was left only with tesco value dented tins, and some gone off steak chunks. theory being curry sauce is nice, chili beans are nice, as are baked beans and steak i'd cook it all together in a pan, i felt quite happy as it was a large portion which would do me for breakfast as well, and it cost less than a quid.
problem being it smelt like vomit, looked like shit and tasted like a mix of the both. i did eat it.
i did learn a great lesson, unless it is a peanut butter and cheese sarnie, mixing nice foods to make realy nice food doesn't work.

(evil pete, Sat 11 Oct 2003, 12:39, archived)

Bit late for the show

and probably lost in the spazz but a few of us once made a sandwich featuring:
fig rolls
potato waffles
raw egg
curry powder
cabbage
cup-o-soup powder
strawberry jam
mayonnaise
...and toasted it for a toasted friend. When we asked him what it tasted like he wailed "I don't know - it keeps changing!"

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helmetcream, Sun 12 Oct 2003, 18:09, archived)

Killer Chicken

Don't ever try to defrost frozen chicken in boiling water!

(spaceman, Sun 12 Oct 2003, 20:59, archived)

This is the most revolting, and funniest, list of posts ive ever read. I am alternatley gagging and wetting myself laughing.

(Kooki, Mon 13 Oct 2003, 5:00, archived)

worse food i ever had...

has to be fishfinger madras.

either that or the time i found a tumour in a leg of pork - i fried it and told my flatmate it was kidney. the look on his face when i told him he ate cancer was priceless.

(dickybt, Mon 13 Oct 2003, 9:23, archived)

My dad worked in the meat market

He used to bring home the best cuts of meat for family and friends, trim them up, make them look nice, give them away just to be nice. One Sunday morning he was trimming up a pork joint for a neighbour called Sid. The meat had an abcess in it. Pus ran out of the meat over the chopping board, down the cupboard and onto the floor. There must have been a gallon of the stuff. Dad spewed into the sink. The stench stayed in the kitchen for days inspite of constant cleaning and air fresheners. Not cooking, but not nice.

(george_w_anker, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 1:17, archived)

too late, but who's counting

for HE at school our witch like teacher made us make tuna crumble. imagine tuna floating in milk (why the fuck milk?) under sodden crumble. the sound of kids retching as they made it was audible several rooms away.

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monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Mon 13 Oct 2003, 16:08, archived)

baklava

My first year at college I thought it'd be a good idea to make baklava. I had eaten it before and liked it.

I found a recipe on the Internet (yup, of course I thought everything on the Internet was the truth) that called for 2 cups of butter, melted. I was to use brush butter onto each layer of (whatever that thin flaky bread is called), and then the recipe said to pour the remaining butter on top when done with all of the layers. Well, I had about 1.5 cups of butter remaining .... but that's what the recipe said to do, so I had better do it! The whole mass of flaky bread, nuts, and honey started floating in the pan with all of the butter. Someone with any common sense would have drained out some of the butter ... but no, that's what the recipe said to do!

So I then baked the baklava ... and I thought it might be helpful if I use a slightly higher temperature and longer time to evaporate the butter away (ummm how dumb am I?). Result: Burnt baklava, but still moist as hell with butter. Ended up draining off about a cup of butter, then having to use a spoon to eat it, and man, that was not good. It slid right down my throat ... and probably through my whole system.

Never again.

(Mortise, Mon 13 Oct 2003, 17:43, archived)

Stir fry for cattarh

Hi guys - first post so be gentle! ;)

My mother in law a few years back cooked a stir fry, and instead of adding soy sauce, added cough mixture! And not just any old cough medicine, no! It was that fuckin' awful liquorice and menthol shite!

EWWWWWWWWWW!

Nightmares all round in our house :)

Simon

(simax, Mon 13 Oct 2003, 22:01, archived)

if only

it'd been extra-strong codeine linctus... happy dreams all round

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isthisyou?, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 11:08, archived)

My mate got a recipie

out of a lad's mag which said to put an open can of fosters up a (dead, plucked etc...) Chicken's arse and stick it on the BBQ for 1.5 hrs(ish), 40mins or so later 1 x loud bang - 1 x £300 trendy gas BBQ in bits.

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Mon 13 Oct 2003, 22:18, archived)

Microwave + egg =

Friend of mine put an egg in the microwave for 3 mins, popped it into an egg cup, re-located to his mother's prized dining room, tapped the egg & it exploded coating much of the furniture in a sulpherous/eggy smelling liquid.

Not particularly gross, but you should have heard the words coming from his mum's mouth. They were gross.

(Millie!, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 0:19, archived)

how about a mayonnaise and hair sandwich

(retro, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 4:33, archived)

full English breakfast

Breakfast: (a) scraped kebab remains from the bedroom floor (b) cornflakes but no milk: used the lager in a can which had somehow not been polished off in the previous night's debauch. NB: if you're trying this at home, don't pour from the can with the fag-butts in.
I can't believe I did these things but there are reliable witnesses. What a scuzzmaster !

(baldisbeautiful, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 10:17, archived)

oh yeah

and my mum once put a mince pie in the microwave for 17mins on full power, result one small house fire!

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 10:24, archived)

Once, when I was a knee whipper

I decided to melt a KitKat on the hob. In a plastic bowl. It melted alright, let me tell you.

Still ate it though

(MeeshkKapeeshk, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 23:23, archived)

Festival Food

I tried to eat a tin of cold macarroni cheeses, but it was too minging. All I got to eat that night was a tin of tuna and a carton of ambrosia custard, mixed in a can. This is worse than Birds custard, as it is too thick.

Note: this wasn't totally me being shit at the foods, I was kinda trying to sicken someone at the same time. Success.

(Daveh, Tue 14 Oct 2003, 23:41, archived)

melted marsbar and pork pie sandwich

deep fried pizza

raw bacon sandwiches (gas was cut off)

chipsticks dipped in (flora) margerine

coffee with 2/3 coffee 1/3 water

half a bottle of vodka, a packet of cookie crunch cerial, a pack of marsbars, lots of beer, 3 penguin cake bars, margerine and a veeeeeeeeeryyyyy big pan = fun

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lemony, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 0:16, archived)

gherkin bol

When I was a student & skint, I found my cupboard contained half a pack of spaghetti, one jar Dol Mio...and a 5KG jar of gherkins no-one had eaten over Christmas. For a week I lived on Gherkin Bolognaise, the gherkins making a barely adequate substitute for mince. It was shite.

(cliffrichardsladyboysexslave, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:50, archived)

xmas turkey

oh....Xmas 2001. Anthomy Worral-Thompson did a thing on telly were he took a shitload of spices, rubbed them into the turkey under the skin and then crammed 'em inside, and lightly spiced the otherwise bland meat.

Right thought I, I can do that. So I did. I got the ingerients in, I followed his instructions. I was Spot On The Mark.

The turkey went red and tasted like an explosion in a Schwartz spice packaging plant. It was too spicy to eat (and I can handle a Vindaloo no probs) and Xmas dinner was minus a 14lb turkey, which ended up in the bin because the two cats took one look and fucked right off.

Arsebiscuits.

Cheers

S.

(cliffrichardsladyboysexslave, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:54, archived)