NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 149: "WE'RE B3TA. IT'S FRIDAY. LET'S ROCK"
This Week:
* QUESTION - Your vomit stories
* CLOCKS - Time redefined
* CUTENESS - Things that make you go ahhh special
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 149 - 03 Sept 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue149/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Sex zoo, Hex clock, Sheeps & Squirrels
>> Petting zoo <<
Eclectech's silky animation skills are
turned to evil, enhancing and beautifying
this delightful song to the joys of
bestiality. Love the prancing cow and the
sinister wigs. Musicmeisters Doghorse and
MissPrism must also take a share of blame.
http://eclectech.co.uk/pettingzoo.php
>> Hex Clock <<
This week Rob has been redefining time. He
reckons that there should be 32 hours in
a day, and 64 minutes in an hour. He's
even prepared to sell you a clock to
prove his point. Convert to hex time now,
don't get caught in the rush.
http://www2.b3ta.com/hexclock/
>> Revenge of the sheep <<
Matazone has been mixing up Marxism and
fairy stories in his new web toon.
He's a Northerner - they do that up there.
Hang in there for the cinematic ending.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/brother_black_...
>> Baby squirrel <<
Okay, Hairy Midget didn't actually make this
tiny tree rat, but he did find it and is
looking after it like it was his own. Bless.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3625997
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Back by popular demand!
Last week we asked you to tell us your tales of
chunder-related mayhem. You answered with
hundreds of heavesome anecdotes.
We particularly liked the story of the girl who
wakes up after an extremely heavy night out,
hazily recalling throwing up into the nearest
receptacle, but is unable to find any trace
whatsoever. Moments later, the phone rings. It's
her sister. She has just opened her handbag. And
she is very, very angry.
Similarly entertaining is the unfortunate child
poisoned by the dodgy water supply on a boating
holiday. Unable to keep down his food, he
skillfully chunders through the window of a
passing barge, straight into the lap of an
unsuspecting holiday maker.
Or board-member Kayozz, who breaks down the door
of his girlfriend's parents' bathroom, and lets
loose an uncontrolled flood of beer-induced barf
all over the room. And all over his girlfriend's
father, who is sat on the toilet reading the
paper.
You can peruse the rest of the frankly
stomach-churning answers here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/vomit/
Thanks to everyone who contributed. Especially
the primary school kid who threw up through a
recorder. Impressive.
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about the times you've
injured yourself but were somewhat reluctant to
explain how you'd managed it. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/embarrassinginjuries/
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: CRAP JINGLES
Named and shamed
Clearly one of the salesmen at the Scarborough
Hyundai dealership harbours dreams of being a
gay disco producer. That has to be the most
plausible for this preposterously groovy jingle.
It's remarkably similar to Jennifer Paige's
1999 hit Crush. Maybe she's down on her luck
these days.
http://www.hyundai-approved.co.uk/scarborough/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Look at these photos carefully <<
"Last week I drove to a nearby town. The town
is surrounded by tall hills and mountains,
and you can have a very pleasant hike down
any of the numerous trails there. Anyway,
I was climbing one trail and enjoying the
good weather when I saw what looked like a
silver box. When I approached, I saw it was
a digital camera!" writes a mysterious
messageboard poster. Possibly a viral thingie
for a game but we greatly enjoyed examining
these photos.
http://www.gtaforums.com/index.php
>> Male Madonna tribute <<
It's a Madonna tribute band, but what makes
this good is the amazing Flash intro. For
some reason, though, it looks quite gay.
http://www.mandonna.com/
>> Plastic man bits <<
You wouldn't want doctors training on real
bottoms, but at the same time these plastic,
medical bums and willies look like a
Girl's World for Dennis Nielsen.
http://www.tecnoedu.com/ModelosCyQ/mptr.htm
>> Sexy Professor Snape <<
Readers of Harry Potter will be surprised by
the homoerotic undertones of setting clips
of Alan Rickman to Right Said Fred's I'm Too
Sexy. Made us giggle anyway.
http://www.potterpuppetpals.com/sexy.swf
>> Planet of the Twilight Zone <<
We used to think the best fan-art ever created
was when someone spliced the shonky rubber
dinosaurs from Doctor Who's Invasion Of The
Dinosaurs into Jurassic Park. We were wrong.
This is so smart: They've mixed up The Twilight
Zone and Planet of the Apes to great effect.
Could video mashup be the new bootleg scene
of 2005?
http://theforbidden-zone.com/media/tzone.shtml
>> Stupid Olympic pictures <<
It's annoying when someone takes a photo of you
at the wrong moment and makes you look like
a spacker. This is a collection of those shots
from sporting events. Looks like they've
photographed the special Olympics.
http://leenks.com/pics/
>> Nerd tattoos <<
If people can't guess you're a geek from your
bad teeth, glasses and beard, why not make
it really obvious? Permanently mark your skin
with the version number of your favourite
operating system.
http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20040720.html
>> Beckham's wrist brain <<
Lots of celebrities get lucrative advertising
deals in Japan, where they think their UK fans
won't see. Here's nut-obsessed David Beckham
trying to endorse some sweets. We like the
fact that the thoughts seem to be emanating
from his wrist, while his face gazes on,
blissfully oblivious.
http://open.meiji.co.jp/sweets/chocolate/almond/p/
>> 'Kick my balls' <<
Our hands instinctively reached for our cocks
as we read this tutorial on how to inflict
pain on your own testicles. The author is
well-informed, as he loves hurting himself this
way. Personally, we're more into hurting other
people this way.
http://www.callnetuk.com/home/busted/men4.htm
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Teddy bears, Weebl, AIDS and Kittens
>> Teddy bears in a hot air balloon <<
A senses-shattering team-up because YOU demanded
it. Well, perhaps you didn't demand, but you
wanted it: Rob and Joel team up to bring you
the rage-filled story of a balloon full of
teddy bears.
http://www.youthofbritain.com/balloony/
>> New Weebl <<
Fans of Jonti's anarchist jams characters are
in for a treat this week, with a story telling
the stirring tale of their ambitious rock
and roll career. It's even odder than usual.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/band.htm
>> They died of Aids - Amazon list <<
Rob has been amusing himself by sticking
up inappropriate lists on Amazon. This one
celebrates artists who've died from the Aids,
from Timothy Claypole of Rent-a-ghost to
Issac Asimov. Will Amazon remove it? Find
out next week...
http://snipurl.com/amazon_aids
>> Clicky kittens <<
Pippy excitedly writes, "I made this
silly flash movie based on Mystery
Bob's rendition of the Steptoe and Son
theme." Not a lot going on here, but it's
sweet and melted our cold, stony hearts
for just a few precious moments.
http://pip.rubberfeet.org/stuff/toe.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Three-way cuteness action
>> Baby skunk<<
You don't think skunks are cute. Think again,
skunk-haters. This sweet skunk-child will show
you the way to fluffy nirvana.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/crushedglass/1141...
>> Bewildered beechmarten <<
We don't know what a beechmarten is, and from
the look on his face neither does he. But we
don't care - he's beautiful.
http://www.pbase.com/image/16760454
>> Animal friends <<
Friendships between creatures that should
be trying to eat each other are a lovely metaphor
for racial harmony. Like Ebony and Ivory where
Stevie Wonder is a leopard.
http://letsbefriends.blogspot.com/
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: HUMAN ZOO
Stormtrooper wedding
What every girl dreams of: A white wedding, with
a massive entourage of Star Wars stormtroopers.
From the looks of things she's resigned to being
the bride of Vader.
http://www.goldengategarrison.com/gallery/calkinsw...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Illustrated Spam Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Two weeks ago, we wanted you to make pictures
based on the subject lines from your spam:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/illustratedspam/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Gracielou' to judge the
entries - here are her 3 faves.
Gracielou writes -
"This week we are handing out the Special
Olympic medals. Winners, please refrain from
dribbling on yourselves in spacky joy...
#1 "Amateur Housewife - Idid's "Amateur
Housewife" is beautifully done and made me
giggle. Very nice stuff, have a gold medal.
(Idid)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3632782
#2 "Why go to the doctor? - For the silver,
doctorwhen asks "Why go to the doctor when
you can get it online?" Why? Because the
internet is for pornography, not surgery.
(doctorwhen)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3631817
#3 "Teen Girls Moan 4 U! - The Rev. A-MOL gets
the bronze for this very simple but well
done entry." (Rev. A-MOL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3621650
An honourable mention goes to Hankster's entry,
"Your Penis Will Be Thicker And Fuller." It
made me laugh, but I'm all out of medals so
have a gay leaf hat instead.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3627918
Results from the Real Magic Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show us what it
would be like if magic was real:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ifmagicwasreal/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Steve-Dave' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Steve-Dave writes -
#1 "Getting changed - What more could you ask
for? A fantastic trick, a man in a neat suit and
a slapstick payoff. This one is really
something special.(Sheep!)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3654920
#2 "Now that's what I call magic! - In a sea of
Paul Daniels themed entries, this one stood
out and simply made me snigger. A lot.
(Haku)
http://b3ta.com/board/3650318
#3 "Behold! - An obvious case of the perfect
source image, I could stare, mesmerised, at
munkt0n's cheesy balls for hours!" (munkt0n)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3649584
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, our blessed Challenge Dictator
ordered us to do, "Celebrity Sex Change"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebritysexchange/
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: STUFF WE'VE LEARNED FROM WIKIPEDIA
The symbols that denoted classes of prisoners
in Nazi concentration camps were all based
around triangles.
Lesbians wore little black triangles. Like a
stylised representation of minge.
And they say Germans have no sense of humour.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HUMAN ZOO IN THE NEWS - Our sensational expose
of resplendently bespectacled Harrow
councillor Eileen Kinnear has sent shockwaves
ricocheting through the media. Watch out
http://www2.b3ta.com/clippings/humanzoo.jpg
* INVISIBLE MOUSE GAME CHEAT - Applejuice writes
in with a way of beating the hidden mouse pointer
game. "You simply have to go to the Windows
mouse properties thing, and make it show the
location of the pointer by pressing control.
That is, if you suck."
* BIKES AGAINST BUSH ARREST - We said he was
great and now he's in prison. That's the
famous b3ta effect.
http://nyc.indymedia.org/newswire/display/105740/i...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Bathroom tile angle madness
It doesn't sound promising, but this 'link
the squares' game will keep you puzz-niks out
there happy for hours. It's chicken soup for
the brain.
http://web6.midworld.luxadmin.org/game.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* KURDS FOR NERDS - a matchmaking site that
pairs desperate asylum seekers with socially
inadequate computer experts in wedded bliss.
* DRUG OLYMPICS - There should be two events,
one for those who do it clean and one for
those who want to prove how far the body
can push itself with chemical help.
* INTERSEX TRIBUTE BANDS - After Mandonna, we'd
like to see b3ta people forming groups like
Boyah Wilcox, Him Wilde and Maniah Carey.
* BLUE CHEWIT SHIT EXPERIMENT - Would eating
nothing but blue Chewits for a week produce
blue shit? Please try it and let us know with
a tip-top photojournalism.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by projectevil and others
who we lost. Sorry.
Top Tippery by garfi3ld
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the b4ta. With love. (78594)
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TOP TIP:
If you have to change a light bulb where the
glass is broken, press a potato into the metal
base to unscrew the remains of the bulb from
the fixture. For extra fun, don't turn the
power off. Remember kids: Potatoes don't
conduct electricity.
