NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 150: "SIR, THIS WINE GUM LOOKS LIKE A PENIS"
This Week:
* ANIM - Naughty Heffalump
* INTERVIEW - Law of the Playground
* VID - Big Wet Doggy
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 150 - 10 Sep 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue150/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Heffalump, Dog, Gum, Numan
>> Naughty Heffalump <<
Doctor Ashen is a genius at spoof educational
cartoons. "This one," he writes, "tries to teach
respect for other people and their property, and
has the word 'bastard' in it. What more could
one ask?" What more indeed?
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/ashen1/ashen/cartoon/...
>> Big Wet Doggy <<
An absolutely inspired piece of work from Team
Fishcake. Mike Fishcake writes, "I've been
getting people to send me videos and photos of
their dogs. Well, here's the end result. It's
a trip into my brain." Your brain is a scary
place, Mike. And full of dog hair.
http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php
>> Phallic wine gum <<
Doubler writes, "My mum was eating a bag of Wine
Gums from Lidl when she found a rather oddly
shaped one." All we can say is, ha-ha serves you
right Lidl-shopper. Anyway, here's the pic:
http://www.grahamgold.co.uk/_thb_IMG_0898.jpg
>> Whimsical electro-pop animation <<
Beau Bo D'Or was moved to create this woodland-
animals-sing-Gary-Numan Flash by board member
Eclectech's superb animated characters. There's
a visual flair here that makes this a considerably
better piece of work than Mr. Numan has any right
to expect.
http://www.ou1.com/rfe.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Embarrassing Injuries
Last week we asked you about the stupid ways
you've injured yourself.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/embarrassinginjuries...
Here's three of our favourite stories:
#1 "7-Up cock douche"
"An ex-girlfriend of mine once decided that a
pleasant surprise would be to fellate me with
a mouthful of 7up - it went purple for 2 days
due to shock. Now, the mere thought of a
carbonated drink has me as flaccid as a
baby. (pb4ugo2bed)
#2 "Necro threesome"
"I'm a paramedic. Got called to a male with back
pain in a cemetery. On arrival, we found an
obese man lying on top of his wife (penis still
inserted) and his wife was lying on someone's
grave. He told me it was her previous husband's
grave and that 'She misses him'. (emadex)
#3 "I'm not wanking, honest!"
"I injured my right wrist through a keyboard/mouse
repetitive motion abuse. So, I appeared at work
that Monday morning wearing a very obvious brace
on my right hand and wrist, and had to explain
to everyone that asked that I just needed the
brace to "give things a rest". It wasn't a
wanking injury. Honest. It just looked like one."
(froopyscot)
>> This Week's Question <<
This week we've thrown caution to the wind and
are asking for your sickest jokes.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/sickjokes/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Tiger and piglets
This is just a sweet picture of a mummy tiger,
relaxing with a litter of baby pigs in disguise.
Presumably neither set of animals realises they
are adopted.
Sure they look cute now, but just imagine how
ferocious pigs raised by tigers could be. Brr.
http://letsbefriends.blogspot.com/2004/09/tiger-an...
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA BOOK OF THE MONTH
Law of the Playground
Ooh we're all excited in B3ta Towers - one
of our mates has managed to get his website
published as a book. Huzzah - there's hope
for us all!
Anyway, Log runs a site called Law of the
Playground which collates half-remembered
stories from the school-yard. We've been fans
for years and the book is even better.
>> Log interview <<
B3TA: The best story in the book?
LOG: I think I'm supposed to say they're all
brilliant, aren't I? My favourites are the ones
like "Freddy Fish Finger", where you paint a
face on your hand and use it to look up girls'
skirts. It's that sense of crooked innocence
that makes me laugh.
B3TA: We stuck you in the newsletter ages ago
- offering our readers a chance to date you.
How did that work out? (Issue 53)
LOG: Yes. That competition was to draw what
your love looked like, wasn't it? I ended up
making a little plasticene model based on the
winner's drawing - which was an aggressive
little insect creature - and I took it on our
date, where we met for quality cheap pints.
He was a lovely bloke, was Rick, and I've got
loads of photos of the date - we're hugging
police-ladies and attacking people as they
leave Ben Elton musicals.
B3TA: Any tips for our readers who want to
turn their websites into publishing sensations?
LOG: I'm not so organised or pre-meditated
about stuff. It might sound lame and idealistic,
but if you've seen the rest of disappointment.com,
you'll see I'm not lying - I just wrote something
that made me laugh. This thing, the Law of the
Playground, just happened to be in an easily
publishable format, so I didn't have to do too
much explaining.
Sadly, I can now feel myself thinking "ooh,
is there a book in that?" whenever I have a
new idea. I can't help but feel that an
important and likeable part of myself
has died, there.
B3TA: You've managed to get a hand-drawn cock
onto the cover. Respect. Will this cause problems
with bookshops displaying it?
LOG: I was wondering about that. But there comes
a time when you have to stand by your artistic
integrity and insist on the fundamentals. This
book needs a cock on the front of the cover,
and by God, it's got one. Thankfully, my publisher
was very supportive in this vital part of the
book's development, although we did compromise
by not having big spunky spurts coming out of the
bell-end.
B3TA: What do you plan to do with your new
wealth?
LOG: If all goes well, I'd like to go into
Marks and Spencer's Food Hall, take a pizza to
the checkout, say "I'll have this pizza, please.
It looks nice." And the woman'll reply "that's
£6.99 please sir" and I'll say "no problem, I've
got more than that". That's the dream.
>> The plug <<
Right kids - go buy Log's book. We want him to
get to number one on the Amazon charts so that
we can tell our mates, "You know that famous
author, Log? The one that's always on the
telly being witty and ginger? He owes it
all to us."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/009190030...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Enormous model aeroplane <<
This group of aviation enthusiasts built a
beautiful radio-controlled model of a B-52
bomber, powered with jet engines. They loved
it. They took it to air-shows for all to see.
Then they crashed it. Spectacularly. This
heart-rending series of photos made us feel
truly sorry for them, even as we chortled
with malicious glee.
http://www.stukastudios.se/b52.htm
>> The Cadillac of wanking <<
Masturbation machines are funny whatever the
weather, but in this instance we were
particularly amused by the slow, languid
way the demonstration model's penis hoves
into view from stage left. You could say he's
milking his part.
http://ijaculater.com/home1.htm
>> Preposterous child-powered well <<
This would be a genius idea if it worked: Harness the
energy of children playing to pump water from the
bottom of a well. Nice idea, but surely that would
mean the kids would be forced to play whenever
an adult wanted water. And, er, that makes it just
hard work. Next week we unveil a climbing frame
that makes it fun for your child to clean
industrial chimneys.
http://www.roundabout.co.za/main_the_playpump.htm
>> Extra-Special OS nerdery <<
When you spend a lot of time staring at your computer,
you can become strangely attached to it. Still,
we were startled to discover people so loved their
operating systems so much they made cute little girl
characters of them and wrote about their adventures.
We were even more surprised that Windows Me had so
many fans.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OS-tan
>> We hate Malta <<
A tiny, unspoiled Mediterranean island is a great
place for a holiday to get away from it all. Not so
much fun if you're a disaffected youth stuck living
there though. This entertaining image gallery
shows residents' reasons for hating Malta.
http://www.onlyinmalta.com/22827.html
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: FAT PIPE VIDEO CORNER
Fuck the bandwidth, we're on broadband
>> Inspiring crippled dog <<
Okay, we're laughing at the disabled, but this
time it's okay - it's a fluffy animal. Like a
thalidomide velociraptor, stump-pawed wonder
hound Faith is half the dog, but twice the man.
http://www.localnews8.com/home/941067.html
>> 50 Cent bottling vid <<
Britain has one response to poseurs: Throwing
plastic bottles of piss at them. Daphne & Celeste
had it, Kelly Osbourne had it and now 50 Cent.
Say what you like about the bloke, he wins our
grudging respect for attempting to keep rapping
when anyone with half a brain would be running
for cover.
http://snipurl.com/Fifty_Cent_Bottled
>> Clumsy ninja <<
We despise agility here at B3ta Towers. It's the
most over-rated of all the attributes. So this
super-cool martial arts expert is our new
hero. His attempt to be Bruce Lee is, frankly,
laughable. But awesome, too.
http://home.comcast.net/~clintus/castin.mov
>> Super Stunt Slug <<
It's a slug. Doing stunts. You do the math.
This is very well-filmed and we can't shake the
feeling it's some sort of advertising campaign.
But what do you advertise with slugs? A low
sodium salt substitute?
http://www.superstuntslug.com/stunt1.html
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: BONUS QUIZ SUPPLEMENT
Simply because we love you
>> Google quiz <<
From the images, see if you can guess the
google search that generated them. A great
idea and a renewable resource for picture
quizzes. Excellent - otherwise we would
have had to rely on nuclear power.
http://blog.outer-court.com/quiz/
>> Name that arcade sound <<
The hardest quiz in the world. See if you can
guess the correct retro arcade game from a
briefly-sampled computer bleep. If you get them
all correct - yay! Hang your head in shame.
http://snipurl.com/name_that_game
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
Doing stuff because you can
This is actually a really good idea. Connect up
image recognition software to your cat-flap. The
computer will only allow your pets into the
house if they aren't carrying dead animal
'presents' for you in their mouths. We'd
certainly buy one. We're trying to watch
our weight.
http://www.quantumpicture.com/Flo_Control/flo_cont...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Celebrity Sex Change Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to give some Photoshop
hormone treatment to your favourite celebrities:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebritysexchange/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Pippy' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Pippy writes -
#1 "No bad dogs - I can't work out who has had
the hormone on this one. Well done. (Tyronne)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3679684
#2 "Rocketta - Sex hormone with added shininess.
(corington)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3673979
#3 "Queen Kong - a lovely drawing with handbag
swinging. Fantastic." (rogan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3685849
A special mention goes to Darryn.R's Queen Dad.
Aww... bless!
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3686749
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor Zak McFlimby gave us
the suggestion, "Meanwhile, in a parallel universe"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/paralleluniverse/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* JELLY TOWERS - "Remember how a few weeks ago
you challenged people to make giant models
of the Twin Towers out of jelly?" asks
Rakie and Special John, "Well, we gave it a
try. Unfortunately, it didn't work very
well, but we had a lot of fun attempting
it." Not bad - but the challenge remains
open. Can you - dear reader - do better?
http://www31.brinkster.com/applepastie/pictures/je...
* SQUIRREL UPDATE - last week we introduced
Charley, a small lost squirrel adopted by
Hairy Midget. They're both doing well, and
here are new photos. Sweet.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3688168
* ARE YOU KURDISH? - we recently suggested
someone should start a website matching
geeky guys with asylum seekers. One reader
agrees, "I'm in the States, I have a terminal
illness (age 55 , emphysema, on hospice care,
living alone.) I'd be happy to do a good turn
for a female having immigration problems,
maybe a college girl. I live in Memphis, it
would surprise/shock me profoundly, so probably
to need pure oxygen or nebuliser if anyone
replied. Would want a slender girl, speaks
okay English, Kurdish fine. No age requirements,
and if she has a disability that is quite okay."
Right - so if you're looking for a green-card
- get in touch and we'll pass on the details.
Er... can't quite believe we're sticking this
in actually.
* B3TA MUSIC VIDEO SUCCESS - "Not sure if this
counts as a newsletter follow-up," confides
Alistair, "as my animation wasn't actually in
the newsletter.... but anyway. Thanks to my
posting of my animation on the board the band
now have a deal to release a single. We're
going to pimp the video round to MTV and
the likes, and hopefully we'll see the final
bitter twists in the lives of lemmings pasted
all over music telly." Huzzah. Yep, we didn't
link it, but we're always happy for a bit
of reflected glory - so well done.
http://www.chasingparkedcars.com/suicidal.html
* BLUE CHEWIT SHIT EXPERIMENT - "I have no idea
what Blue Chewit is," confesses heather5900,
"but an ice cream called Pop-rocks does the
trick in one serving. A couple years back
I got a call from my cousin, and the first
thing she said was, 'Have you pooped yet!?'
Which seemed like an odd question, but she
continued, 'IT'S BLUE!' Sure enough it was."
Hmm, close but no cigar. We want someone to
tackle this properly. Complete with photos.
C'mon - we'll make you famous.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Cow wrangler
It's all in German, which makes things a little
trickier, but the objective is to get the grey
cow to the gold thing so it can dance. After a
little while, we realised it was probably
aimed at quite young children. But we kept
playing anyway. Simple puzzles make us feel
like we're super clever.
http://scott.blazing.de/fun/game.swf
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* RUDE STAMPS - make small photoshops of
the Queen sucking cock and seeing if you
can get the post office to send them.
* ICE-CREAM TRICK - play ice-cream van
jingles loudly in your car whilst driving
through an estate, filming the resultant
confused children who flock to the
roadside.
* PHONING COSMETIC SURGURY LIVE - and telling
them you're prepared to have horns, fur
and a tail added to your body. We reckon
the producers will have a car at your door
before you can put the phone down.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Rtee Fufkin, The Gatz,
Geordie, tsluts, ravey davey, gatz66mm,
Woo Elephant Yeah, LazloWoodbine,
Rtee Fufkin, simon.forsyth, & Mitzi The Dog.
Top Tippery by Google.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by b4ta. Now with wings. (78380)
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TOP TIP:
When you're using a ladder against painted
masonry, put old socks over the ends of the
ladder to prevent it damaging the stonework.
Also, it looks cute.
