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This Week:
* ANIM - Naughty Heffalump
* INTERVIEW - Law of the Playground
* VID - Big Wet Doggy

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 150 - 10 Sep 2004

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  Heffalump, Dog, Gum, Numan
  >> Naughty Heffalump <<
  Doctor Ashen is a genius at spoof educational
  cartoons. "This one," he writes, "tries to teach
  respect for other people and their property, and
  has the word 'bastard' in it. What more could
  one ask?" What more indeed?

  >> Big Wet Doggy <<
  An absolutely inspired piece of work from Team
  Fishcake. Mike Fishcake writes, "I've been
  getting people to send me videos and photos of
  their dogs. Well, here's the end result. It's
  a trip into my brain." Your brain is a scary
  place, Mike. And full of dog hair.

  >> Phallic wine gum <<
  Doubler writes, "My mum was eating a bag of Wine
  Gums from Lidl when she found a rather oddly
  shaped one." All we can say is, ha-ha serves you
  right Lidl-shopper. Anyway, here's the pic:

  >> Whimsical electro-pop animation <<
  Beau Bo D'Or was moved to create this woodland-
  animals-sing-Gary-Numan Flash by board member
  Eclectech's superb animated characters. There's
  a visual flair here that makes this a considerably
  better piece of work than Mr. Numan has any right
  to expect.


  Embarrassing Injuries

  Last week we asked you about the stupid ways
  you've injured yourself.

  Here's three of our favourite stories:

  #1 "7-Up cock douche"
  "An ex-girlfriend of mine once decided that a
  pleasant surprise would be to fellate me with
  a mouthful of 7up - it went purple for 2 days
  due to shock. Now, the mere thought of a
  carbonated drink has me as flaccid as a
  baby. (pb4ugo2bed)

  #2 "Necro threesome"
  "I'm a paramedic. Got called to a male with back
  pain in a cemetery. On arrival, we found an
  obese man lying on top of his wife (penis still
  inserted) and his wife was lying on someone's
  grave. He told me it was her previous husband's
  grave and that 'She misses him'. (emadex)

  #3 "I'm not wanking, honest!"
  "I injured my right wrist through a keyboard/mouse
  repetitive motion abuse. So, I appeared at work
  that Monday morning wearing a very obvious brace
  on my right hand and wrist, and had to explain
  to everyone that asked that I just needed the
  brace to "give things a rest". It wasn't a
  wanking injury. Honest. It just looked like one."

  >> This Week's Question <<

  This week we've thrown caution to the wind and
  are asking for your sickest jokes. 


  Tiger and piglets

  This is just a sweet picture of a mummy tiger,
  relaxing with a litter of baby pigs in disguise.
  Presumably neither set of animals realises they
  are adopted.
  Sure they look cute now, but just imagine how
  ferocious pigs raised by tigers could be. Brr.

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Law of the Playground

  Ooh we're all excited in B3ta Towers - one
  of our mates has managed to get his website
  published as a book. Huzzah - there's hope
  for us all!

  Anyway, Log runs a site called Law of the
  Playground which collates half-remembered
  stories from the school-yard. We've been fans
  for years and the book is even better.

  >> Log interview <<

  B3TA: The best story in the book?

  LOG: I think I'm supposed to say they're all
  brilliant, aren't I? My favourites are the ones
  like "Freddy Fish Finger", where you paint a
  face on your hand and use it to look up girls'
  skirts. It's that sense of crooked innocence
  that makes me laugh. 

  B3TA: We stuck you in the newsletter ages ago
  - offering our readers a chance to date you.
  How did that work out? (Issue 53)

  LOG: Yes. That competition was to draw what
  your love looked like, wasn't it? I ended up
  making a little plasticene model based on the
  winner's drawing - which was an aggressive
  little insect creature - and I took it on our
  date, where we met for quality cheap pints.
  He was a lovely bloke, was Rick, and I've got
  loads of photos of the date - we're hugging
  police-ladies and attacking people as they
  leave Ben Elton musicals.

  B3TA: Any tips for our readers who want to
  turn their websites into publishing sensations?

  LOG: I'm not so organised or pre-meditated
  about stuff. It might sound lame and idealistic,
  but if you've seen the rest of disappointment.com,
  you'll see I'm not lying - I just wrote something
  that made me laugh. This thing, the Law of the
  Playground, just happened to be in an easily
  publishable format, so I didn't have to do too
  much explaining.

  Sadly, I can now feel myself thinking "ooh,
  is there a book in that?" whenever I have a
  new idea. I can't help but feel that an
  important and likeable part of myself
  has died, there.

  B3TA: You've managed to get a hand-drawn cock
  onto the cover. Respect. Will this cause problems
  with bookshops displaying it?

  LOG: I was wondering about that. But there comes
  a time when you have to stand by your artistic
  integrity and insist on the fundamentals. This
  book needs a cock on the front of the cover,
  and by God, it's got one. Thankfully, my publisher
  was very supportive in this vital part of the
  book's development, although we did compromise
  by not having big spunky spurts coming out of the

  B3TA: What do you plan to do with your new

  LOG: If all goes well, I'd like to go into
  Marks and Spencer's Food Hall, take a pizza to
  the checkout, say "I'll have this pizza, please.
  It looks nice." And the woman'll reply "that's
  £6.99 please sir" and I'll say "no problem, I've
  got more than that". That's the dream.

  >> The plug <<
  Right kids - go buy Log's book. We want him to
  get to number one on the Amazon charts so that
  we can tell our mates, "You know that famous
  author, Log? The one that's always on the
  telly being witty and ginger? He owes it
  all to us."


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Enormous model aeroplane <<
  This group of aviation enthusiasts built a
  beautiful radio-controlled model of a B-52
  bomber, powered with jet engines. They loved
  it. They took it to air-shows for all to see.
  Then they crashed it. Spectacularly. This
  heart-rending series of photos made us feel
  truly sorry for them, even as we chortled
  with malicious glee.

  >> The Cadillac of wanking <<
  Masturbation machines are funny whatever the
  weather, but in this instance we were
  particularly amused by the slow, languid
  way the demonstration model's penis hoves
  into view from stage left. You could say he's
  milking his part.

  >> Preposterous child-powered well <<
  This would be a genius idea if it worked: Harness the
  energy of children playing to pump water from the
  bottom of a well. Nice idea, but surely that would
  mean the kids would be forced to play whenever
  an adult wanted water. And, er, that makes it just 
  hard work. Next week we unveil a climbing frame
  that makes it fun for your child to clean
  industrial chimneys.

  >> Extra-Special OS nerdery <<
  When you spend a lot of time staring at your computer,
  you can become strangely attached to it. Still,
  we were startled to discover people so loved their
  operating systems so much they made cute little girl
  characters of them and wrote about their adventures.
  We were even more surprised that Windows Me had so
  many fans.

  >> We hate Malta <<
  A tiny, unspoiled Mediterranean island is a great
  place for a holiday to get away from it all. Not so
  much fun if you're a disaffected youth stuck living
  there though. This entertaining image gallery
  shows residents' reasons for hating Malta.


  Fuck the bandwidth, we're on broadband

  >> Inspiring crippled dog <<
  Okay, we're laughing at the disabled, but this
  time it's okay - it's a fluffy animal. Like a
  thalidomide velociraptor, stump-pawed wonder
  hound Faith is half the dog, but twice the man.

  >> 50 Cent bottling vid <<
  Britain has one response to poseurs: Throwing
  plastic bottles of piss at them. Daphne & Celeste
  had it, Kelly Osbourne had it and now 50 Cent.
  Say what you like about the bloke, he wins our
  grudging respect for attempting to keep rapping
  when anyone with half a brain would be running
  for cover.

  >> Clumsy ninja <<
  We despise agility here at B3ta Towers. It's the
  most over-rated of all the attributes. So this
  super-cool martial arts expert is our new
  hero. His attempt to be Bruce Lee is, frankly,
  laughable. But awesome, too.

  >> Super Stunt Slug <<
  It's a slug. Doing stunts. You do the math.
  This is very well-filmed and we can't shake the
  feeling it's some sort of advertising campaign.
  But what do you advertise with slugs? A low
  sodium salt substitute?


  Simply because we love you

  >> Google quiz <<
  From the images, see if you can guess the
  google search that generated them. A great
  idea and a renewable resource for picture
  quizzes. Excellent - otherwise we would
  have had to rely on nuclear power.

  >> Name that arcade sound <<
  The hardest quiz in the world. See if you can
  guess the correct retro arcade game from a
  briefly-sampled computer bleep. If you get them
  all correct - yay! Hang your head in shame.


  Doing stuff because you can

  This is actually a really good idea. Connect up
  image recognition software to your cat-flap. The
  computer will only allow your pets into the
  house if they aren't carrying dead animal
  'presents' for you in their mouths. We'd
  certainly buy one. We're trying to watch
  our weight.


  Results from the Celebrity Sex Change Challenge
  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
  Last week we wanted you to give some Photoshop
  hormone treatment to your favourite celebrities:
  We asked B3ta boarder 'Pippy' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.
  Pippy writes -

  #1 "No bad dogs - I can't work out who has had
    the hormone on this one. Well done. (Tyronne)
  #2 "Rocketta - Sex hormone with added shininess.
  #3 "Queen Kong - a lovely drawing with handbag
    swinging. Fantastic." (rogan)
  A special mention goes to Darryn.R's Queen Dad.
  Aww... bless!

  >> This Week's Challenge <<
  This week, B3ta contributor Zak McFlimby gave us
  the suggestion, "Meanwhile, in a parallel universe"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * JELLY TOWERS - "Remember how a few weeks ago
    you challenged people to make giant models
    of the Twin Towers out of jelly?" asks
    Rakie and Special John, "Well, we gave it a
    try. Unfortunately, it didn't work very
    well, but we had a lot of fun attempting
    it." Not bad - but the challenge remains
    open. Can you - dear reader - do better?

  * SQUIRREL UPDATE - last week we introduced
    Charley, a small lost squirrel adopted by
    Hairy Midget. They're both doing well, and
    here are new photos. Sweet.

  * ARE YOU KURDISH? - we recently suggested
    someone should start a website matching
    geeky guys with asylum seekers. One reader
    agrees, "I'm in the States, I have a terminal
    illness (age 55 , emphysema, on hospice care,
    living alone.) I'd be happy to do a good turn
    for a female having immigration problems, 
    maybe a college girl. I live in Memphis, it
    would surprise/shock me profoundly, so probably
    to need pure oxygen or nebuliser if anyone
    replied. Would want a slender girl, speaks
    okay English, Kurdish fine. No age requirements,
    and if she has a disability that is quite okay."
    Right - so if you're looking for a green-card
    - get in touch and we'll pass on the details.
    Er... can't quite believe we're sticking this
    in actually.

  * B3TA MUSIC VIDEO SUCCESS - "Not sure if this
    counts as a newsletter follow-up," confides
    Alistair, "as my animation wasn't actually in
    the newsletter.... but anyway. Thanks to my
    posting of my animation on the board the band
    now have a deal to release a single. We're
    going to pimp the video round to MTV and
    the likes, and hopefully we'll see the final
    bitter twists in the lives of lemmings pasted
    all over music telly." Huzzah. Yep, we didn't
    link it, but we're always happy for a bit
    of reflected glory - so well done.

    what Blue Chewit is," confesses heather5900,   
    "but an ice cream called Pop-rocks does the
    trick in one serving. A couple years back
    I got a call from my cousin, and the first
    thing she said was, 'Have you pooped yet!?'
    Which seemed like an odd question, but she
    continued, 'IT'S BLUE!' Sure enough it was."
    Hmm, close but no cigar. We want someone to
    tackle this properly. Complete with photos.
    C'mon - we'll make you famous.


  Cow wrangler
  It's all in German, which makes things a little
  trickier, but the objective is to get the grey
  cow to the gold thing so it can dance. After a
  little while, we realised it was probably
  aimed at quite young children. But we kept
  playing anyway. Simple puzzles make us feel
  like we're super clever.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * RUDE STAMPS - make small photoshops of 
    the Queen sucking cock and seeing if you
    can get the post office to send them.

  * ICE-CREAM TRICK - play ice-cream van
    jingles loudly in your car whilst driving
    through an estate, filming the resultant
    confused children who flock to the

    them you're prepared to have horns, fur
    and a tail added to your body. We reckon
    the producers will have a car at your door
    before you can put the phone down.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Rtee Fufkin, The Gatz,
  Geordie, tsluts, ravey davey, gatz66mm,
  Woo Elephant Yeah, LazloWoodbine,
  Rtee Fufkin, simon.forsyth, & Mitzi The Dog.
  Top Tippery by Google.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by b4ta. Now with wings. (78380)


  When you're using a ladder against painted
  masonry, put old socks over the ends of the
  ladder to prevent it damaging the stonework.
  Also, it looks cute.

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