NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 151: "SICK JOKE SPECIAL"
This Week:
* ANIM - Chicken or egg?
* FLASH CHALLENGE - Just for the fuck of it
* ADOPT - Britain's saddest pet
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 151 - 17 Sep 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue151/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Chickens, Case-mods and Weebl
>> Which came first? Chicken or the egg? <<
We're pretty impressed with Koit in B3ta
Towers. We used to think his songs were
frankly a bit dodgy. But since his, "cunt cunt
cunt fucking cunt cunt cunt" track, Koit is a
changed man. His latest work rocks and has a
lovely pay off.
http://www.koit.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/chickegg.html
>> Reverse case-mods <<
"I'm sick and tired", groans whizzbang,
"of case-modders taking perfectly
good toasters and deck chairs and turning
them into computers. So I've turned a
database server into a bookshelf." Genius,
and looks great too. We reckon a site like
Thinkgeek could shift a few of these.
http://www.iol.ie/~thedeans/reversemod/index.html
>> New Weebl, Jazz singer <<
Jonti has turned his hand to song again,
producing a freeform jazz episode of his
famous toon. BTW: News on the DVDs is that
like the MTV version, it'll be named Wobbl
and Bob.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/niiiiiccce.htm
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* How do you get a gay man to shag your
girlfriend?
Shit in her cunt.
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: BIT TORRENT TV
Now with bonus trend analysis
Some marketing bloke recently emailed us and
said, "B3ta. What are the growing trends on
the web?"
Hmm. Good question. We replied:
#1 LEGAL KIDDY PORN. Photos of teenage girls
with their clothes on.
#2 CONSOLIDATION OF POWER. If your business
plan doesn't involve doing the cash with
the triumphant trio of Amazon,
eBay or Google, well frankly, you're a
cornershop instead of in the mall.
#3 DOWNLOADING TELLY. Fuck the tyranny of
scheduling, we're time-poor and tech
rich. We want to watch the TV we want to
watch, when we want to watch it.
They didn't email us back so here's some
TV we've downloaded this week.
>> Entourage <<
Execed by Mark Wahlberg, this HBO show takes
us behind the scenes of a the hangers-on
to a up-and-coming fictional Hollywood star.
Witty, knowing and brilliantly cast
(Matt Damon's brother plays the bitter,
has-been sibling of the main star), this
is telly to tell your mates about.
>> Worst Jobs in History <<
One-time Blackadder star Tony Robinson
has got the popular-history market tied
up. Taking us from Tudor times to the
present day, Robinson joyously romps
through the dreadful professions people
have endured. Watch out for Tony in drag
being dunked in a lake, and having to
spend 8 hours in stale human urine. We
like our celebs humiliated.
>> Steptoe and son <<
A sit-com loved by millions the world over,
but who knew Steptoe was a 60 year old gay
man from Ireland who drank 2 litres of
gin a day and made regular trips to
Hong Kong to seek the pleasures of boy
flesh? A dirty old man and a true B3ta
hero.
All this stuff and more can be found via
http://www.uknova.com/
http://www.suprnova.org/
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* What's blue and fucks grannies?
Hypothermia
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: CRAP JINGLES
Ten minute Flash challenge
Regular readers will know our love of crappy
jingles, and imagine our delight when reader
Alex sent in an MP3 with the comment, "I work
for a commercial radio station, and here's
a cheesy classic."
It's a lovely little number celebrating the
joys of The Inn on the Green. Complete with
show-time disco bridge.
>> The Challenge <<
So we decided to stick it on our board and ask
you lot to make visuals for it. In under
ten minutes.
Here's the three best:
#1 TV AD - Fnord takes some classic telly
ads and jumbles them up to amusing effect.
http://snipurl.com/fnord
#2 PROSSIE - Beau Bo d'Or sticks to what
he knows about: whores.
http://www.heady.co.uk/b3ta/inn.html
#3 SWINGING - trust Matazone to bring an
element of darkness to the competition.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/innonthegreen....
So well done to the winners and yay to
everyone who took part.
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* What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
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: BRITAIN'S SADDEST PET
Pirate the one-eyed cat
It's International Pirate Day this Sunday, and
what better way to celebrate than visiting
Battersea Dogs Home and getting your own
monovision moggy. He's about 7 and he's looking
for a home.
If you do adopt him, please remember to write
and send us a few photos. Nothing would make
us happier than matching b3ta people with
mangled cats.
http://www.dogshome.org/rehome/our_cats/pirate.htm...
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* What did the blind, deaf, mute boy get for
Christmas?
Cancer.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Sick Jokes
Last week we asked you to tell us your sickest
jokes. As you might have already noticed we're
peppering this newsletter with a handful of
our favourites.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/sickjokes/
>> This Week's Question <<
This week we're asking you to tell us about
the nutters that live near you.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/localnutters/
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* What's got one ball and fucks women?
Peter Sutcliffe's hammer.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Crazy, crazy pigeons <<
There's a lot more to pigeons than the manky
one-legged flying rats that dive bomb you when
you're out shopping. Some of these look more
like specialist cleaning implements than birds.
http://home.iprimus.com.au/spud1/pigeon_pictures.h...
>> Sex fags <<
Last week we featured the bizarre Japanese
anthropomorphic Operating System girls called
OS-Tan. This week, it's crazed manga-style
cigarette personifications. Click the links
on the left-hand column for erotically-charged
renderings of Japanese cancer-stick brands.
http://www.ctb.ne.jp/~silver-s/
>> Buy my tree cunt <<
Latest bizarre eBay auction: it's an astonishingly
rude bit of a tree. Sadly, the auction is now
closed, so it looks like we've missed the
chance to own this particular freak of nature.
http://snipurl.com/94un
>> Movieoke <<
We had a real 'Why didn't we think of that?'
moment when we heard about Movieoke: Karaoke for
Movie Lovers. Best of all, you can try it
in the privacy of your own home with nothing
but a DVD player and the handy built-in subtitles.
We can't wait to have a go at Back To The
Future when we get home.
http://www.movieoke.net/faq.htm
>> Vile spider bite experience <<
The Brown Recluse spider is a nasty little
customer. Unlike some of its more famous cousins,
its bite probably won't kill you straight off.
It will, however, make your very flesh rot on
your bones. Don't click if you're eating,
you have been warned.
http://www.rochedalss.eq.edu.au/reclusebiteleg.htm
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* What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?
Corduroy.
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: SEX TIPS FOR B3TARDS
Stick spice up your arse.
"Figging is a sexual practice involving the
insertion of a prepared 'finger' of ginger
root or even pepper into the anus. The
burning sensation is said to induce intense
pleasure."
Forget Nullos, wanking machines and tossing
off to photographs of dead horses, we know
what the keen b3ta readers will be doing
this weekend. And us too.
Warning. This site contains porn.
http://figging.com/
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* How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Suck it off.
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
Building stuff because they can
If you're anything like us, you probably get
a little tired of staring out of the window at
the gasometer and railway sidings. Well fear
not, for yet again the geeks have come to the
rescue. These enterprising boffins use
flat-screen monitors to change the view from
their flat to anything they desire. And they
get to freak their mates out with
disaster film footage as well.
http://www.hoagy.org/virtualwindow/
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* What's pink and smells of olives?
Popeye's fingers.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Three fluffy bunnies in a pink toy car
Anthropomorphism for beginners, lesson one.
* Fluffy mammal.
* Scaled-down real world object.
* Ooh cute.
http://badgas.co.uk/animals/others/others_013.jpg
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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* What do you do after raping a blind, deaf
and dumb girl?
Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
B3ta dreams and a wheelchair doggy
>> B3ta Nirvana <<
"I made a thing", yelps davidbond, "It's the
story of a b3tan's path to creative Nirvana."
Blimey. This is a tribute to some of the more
famous work on B3ta - which then wigs out to
a strange bit. One for the fans rather than
the casual reader.
http://www.davidbond.net/ynl/
>> Wheelchair dog <<
"Wotcha", hollers the fantastically named
pippyisatruck, "Here's a little something
I've made - hope you like it." We do.
Especially the bit at the end where you
can click the signs.
http://pip.rubberfeet.org/stuff/hobo.html
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* What do you say to a woman with two black
eyes?
Nothing. You've told her twice already.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Parallel Universe' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us what is
happening in alternative dimensions:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/paralleluniverse/
We asked B3ta boarder 'tico24' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
tico24 writes -
#1 "Mr. Blessed as we have never seen him
before - Isn't it just great to imagine that
somewhere out there, in a parallel universe
far away, there is an alternative Brian Blessed,
who just sits in a corner being silent all
day? 'Mazing! (Chobb)
http://b3ta.com/board/3700170
#2 "Nohands, Withhands - I just think this
captured the whole essence of the compo.
Sorry it didn't win, but in a fight between
Brian and Nohands, Brian would win hands down,
pun intended. (Evil Pundit)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3701732
#3 "Batman - There were many entries after the
Batman incident at the palace, but I thought
that this was the best. Funny and original,
what more can I say?!
(All The Worlds Squirrels)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3723328
"If I may be so bold as to suggest a special
mention. There were a couple of entries like
this but a) this was the first and b) it's
the best. Simple yet funny."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3709128
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, The Challenge Dictator told us to
"Photoshop Bob Ross"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bobross/
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* What's yellow and lives off dead beetles?
Yoko Ono.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BADGER WORLD DOMINATION CONTINUES - nerd
publisher O'Reilly hosts nerd conference.
Names all the rooms after animals.
Pranksters replace all signs with 'Badger
Room'.
http://overstated.net/photos/foohack/
* GOATSE TIME MAGAZINE COVER - looks like
the art guys were having a laugh here. We
guess the publishers don't look at the
internet much.
http://snipurl.com/90vt
* GAY TEST SUCCESS - "Since you put my site
in issue 141 of your lovely newsletter",
crows Balphaus, "it has been linked to by
literally hundreds of other sites and
published in Loaded, Nuts and Boyz
magazines. Woo." Yay you.
http://www.snackfoam.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/gaytest1...
* LAW OF THE PLAYGROUND SALES RANK -
last week we asked you to buy Log's book.
You raised the sales rank from 380 to 70.
Quite impressive really. We know you'll
enjoy the book.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/009190030...
Although a overseas reader points out
that there's no badly-drawn cock on the
German version. Strange really. We hear
that the Hun love cock.
http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/0091900301.03...
* SAYING SORRY TO MALTA - "Thanx for the
mention in the newspaper about my Maltese site",
writes The Gatz, "but we don't really hate Malta.
Heck I have become used to it and now I quite
like it."
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* What's got 4 legs and goes 'Woof'?
A cat doused in petrol
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: FRIDAY GAME
Reverse mouse maze
Simple, addictive and very frustrating. Guide
your mouse around a maze without touching any
objects.
The catch? your mouse is reversed.
We're kicking ourselves for not thinking of
this ourselves. It's brilliant.
http://www.scenta.co.uk/reverse/
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* What's black and sits at the top of the
stairs?
Christopher Reeves, after the fire.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* SOCIAL EXPERIMENTS - don't buy your round
for a month and chart your relationships.
* EXTREME ZEBRA CROSSING - paint pedestrian
crossings on the M5. Video the carnage.
* STEALTH RUDE KNITTING - make you gran knit
something rude - maybe a goatse inspired
ornament and laugh with glee and innocent
delight when she does it.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
Tomsk and David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Kamikaze Stoat, account88888,
Sosumi, Arthur, emessis, beemoh, Harry,
Carrie3372 & archie bubba.
Special thanks to Chobb & WhoElse who moaned
that they weren't credited the other week.
Top Tippery by typing "tips shoes" into
google. Send us more tips please.
Sick jokes from supermoore, too_many_shoes,
moomin-papa, forkboy, sven_hassel, Maddave,
pacificprincess1, b0rderlineschiz0, carpediem,
and Dizzy Bob loves nuts.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the sexploding b4ta sinevitable.
(78296)
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* HITLER WALKS INTO THE MEETING ROOM
and turns to his trusted staff...
"I want you to organise the execution of
10,000 Jews and 10,000 hedgehogs."
Everyone looks around the table and after a
long silence, Goering pipes up, "Mein fuhrer
why do you want to kill 10,000 hedgehogs?"
Hitler smiles and turns to the rest or the
table, "You see, no one cares about the Jews."
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TOP TIP:
When choosing shoes to go with your formal
frock, forget basic black and make a statement
with coloured heels. We love pink, aqua and
anything metallic.
