NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 154: "BISCUITY BOOKY WOOAGE"
This Week:
* INTERVIEW - Nice Cup Of Tea book launched
* FLASH COMPETION - Make stuff for TV
* LEGALS - Kilroy threatens to sue b3tard
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 154 - 15 Oct 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue154/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: LOOK AROUND YOU COMPETITION
Get your Flash stuff on TV
Did you catch Look Around You a couple of years
back? It was a fantastic show parodying schools
programming of the 80s.
They're back in December and this time have
a half-hour show riffing on Tomorrow's World.
And they need your help. They want you to
mock up 10 second non-playable demos of really
crappy computer games.
Read the instructions here.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/crapcomputergames/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Sheep, Cars, Goths & Weebl sings
>> Baa Wars <<
"It's the cross-over everyone's been waiting
for," bleats web music maestro Koit. He's a
funny funny cunt, Koit. We guessed the joke
before it started and we still laughed
with glee.
http://www.koit.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/baabaa.html
>> Stunt video <<
Ben Wheatley has outdone himself here with a
big bag of video genius. You'll think "Oh yeah?
So what?" Then you'll go "Blimey." Then you'll
press play again. This is sweet.
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/cunningstunt.htm...
>> Sisters of Mercia <<
No longer the humble newsletter scribes - this
week we are AS GODS! Rob did the tune, Rob did
the dancing. Dave lurked in the background,
holding a keyboard. Witness and worship:
http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2004/10/sisters-of-m...
>> Weebl sings... <<
After the pants-arousing shock of seeing Rob and
Dave on camera, good old Jonti wants to help blow
your load with his singing, live, uncensored
and on camera. Despite dancing like the father
of the Star Wars kid, we managed to crack one
out.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/48/
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: NICE CUP OF TEA AND A SIT DOWN BOOK
Help us make a Christmas number one
Nicey and Wifey are the oldest of b3ta friends.
They've been posting on and helping moderate
our messageboard for about three years.
They also run a website about biscuits. We've
interviewed, bigged-up and generally tried
our best to tell the world of their genius.
We're proud to say that maybe we've helped.
Certainly proud now that they've got themselves
a proper publishing deal and everything. The
book's available to pre-order on Amazon, it's
shipping next week and we're all rather excited.
To celebrate, here's a mini interview to
catch up with the now-celebrity couple.
B3TA: The site is about biscuits and the name
is all about tea...
NICEY: Not a problem, 'cause tea leads to
biscuits. By the time your brain has scanned
to the end of 'nice cup of tea and a sit down'
most well-adjusted people should be thinking
'biscuits'. In the book we go into tea in some
detail, and a bit of cake, and sit downs, as
well as biscuits of course.
B3TA: Now that your site has made you famous
with numerous TV appearances - give us a
celeb anecdote.
NICEY: Well, when doing BBC Breakfast I once
sat next to Esther Rantzen in makeup without
realizing it. To be fair she was also unaware
that she was sitting next to me, so it was a
mutual sort of thing. When I got back in the
green room there she was up on the monitor.
I think its because in the flesh she's much
smaller than she should be, and because her
dress was very purple which distracted me.
By the way, their mugs of tea that sit on the
table in front of them are completely empty.
They also had Quentin Cooper the film review
guy in to cover the Christmas films, and I
said, "You can't whack the Muppets Christmas
Carol", I especially liked the part played by
Gonzo, but he was more interested in my iPod.
B3TA: Biscuits make you fat. Any thoughts on
healthy options?
NICEY: Well biscuits aren't really what
nutritionists call a wonder-food. Examples of
these are seaweed, millet and quinoa grains.
Mind you, I bet your average nutritionist likes
a digestive with their mid-morning cuppa. Of
all biscuits Fig rolls are probably the best
thing for you due to their fig content which
has fibre as well as complex carbohydrates.
In general, the best approach is to earn your
biscuits either through some healthy exercise
such as brisk walking, or strenuous work like
digging over the garden or perhaps composing
a long email.
B3TA: We've recently got a taste for herbal
teas - peppermint infusions being a favourite.
Can we still be in your club?
NICEY: No not really. You see none of the
herbal stuff is proper tea, just because it
comes in a bag and you pour boiling water on
it. Perhaps you'll progress on to the real
stuff via a convoluted route. This might seem
harsh, but really if you went into the sort of
establishment that sells bacon sandwiches and
all day breakfasts and exercised your new-found
'tea' drinking skills I think you would
quickly come unstuck.
B3TA: Which nationality makes the worst tea?
NICEY: The Americans of course. They have made
it a matter of notional pride to be ignorant of
the ways of tea since the Boston Tea Party.
This even extends to having a puny 120V
National Grid so that their kettles are all
underpowered, weak and useless. Of course I
cover this in the book.
B3TA: Have you been recognised in the street?
NICEY: I'm very happy to say no. However, just
the other week I was recognised in the dentist's,
if that counts. I was having a spot of
emergency dental treatment whilst over in
Ireland, after a slice of the mother-in-law's
homemade bread had dislodged a filling. The
dentist asked me what I did, and I replied,
"mostly talk about biscuits." He said, "I've
heard you on the radio, talking about extinct
biscuits." He seemed quite excited, however his
dental assistant remained professional and
disinterested.
B3TA: Have biscuit manufacturers tried to
bribe you for a good review?
NICEY: Yes, but only after I had already done
the review, so it was a bit pointless really.
The method they choose was to send us 48 packets
of them. This slightly backfired as that was
approximately 45 packs more than we really
needed. It took us about two months to offload
them on anybody who visited us. Everybody has
always been so keen for us to remain impartial
but we have made no secret that we are open to
the idea of parcels of money.
>> Pluggity plug <<
Nicey is a major talent. Biscuits are his
starting point, but his material is the warm
nostalgic glow of everybody's childhood treats.
Oh, and it's funny. Ha ha. Is shiny, you
like, you like.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/031672917...
BTW: They also sent us a review copy that
came in a funky box. Have a look. You will
be dead jealous.
http://b3ta.com/board/3825520
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: KILROY THREATENS TO SUE
Over silly web gag
A few months back we brought you Mystery Bob's
little bit of mischief. He'd taken a bit of
footage from a comedy DVD and stuck it online
with a domain name suspiciously similar to
the UK Independence Party.
They've got in touch. And they're not happy.
Tony Bennett, Research Assistant to Robert
Kilroy-Silk writes:
"I represent Mr Kilroy-Silk and the U.K.
Independence Party. You are advised that your
site will be reported to the Police and we are
currently taking the advice of a libel barrister
as to its contents. I am a Solicitor as well as
a research assistant.
"You may wish to consider removing the site
forthwith."
So the battle is on. Should Mystery Bob
capitulate to legal threats? Or should he
stand strong and proud - free to mock silly
old fools who spout racist crap against Arabs?
http://www.ukindependence.org/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK #1
Strange things you've been paid to do
The other week we asked for the strangest things
you've actually been paid to do.
http://b3ta.com/questions/strangejobs/
These are just some of our favourites that you
can read in full on the website:
#1 Monkey Fishing
"I had to deal with several large skips full
of assorted monkey body parts, scavenged from
various zoos over the years, preserved lovingly
like a fetid monkey soup with chunks. Enter me,
with shoulder-length rubber gloves, and, a
gasmask sorry "industrial respirator". We had
to go in pairs, in case someone fell in and
drowned. What's this in the bucket? Oh look.
It's a dismembered chimpanzee. That or we'd
found Jeff Dahmer's secret stash." (sags)
#2 Collecting Poo
"We were testing a drug's efficacy on worms
only readily obtained from cats. You can't put
a nappy on a cat (and I would love to see
someone try) and the need for fresh wormy shit
meant extracting a cat from its luxurious living
quarters, putting it in a plastic dustbin, then
turning a hose on it, to "persuade" it to dump.
This is horrible for the cat, and not fun for me,
as I got thoroughly scratched and bitten. But
the best bit was the resulting miasma of cat
intestinal bacteria measurable in the air several
corridors away which stank like only hot cat
shit can do." (godstar)
#3 Grunters
"I once got paid to serve pizzas in a pig-themed
restaurant called 'Grunters', dressed in a pig
costume. When people ordered we had to go,
'Oink oink'. They served the worst pizza ever
invented called the Sow Pie. It had snails on it
and an egg fried in Pernod. (Dannyo)
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Not shit George Bush animation <<
At b3ta towers we get about a million Bush
flash things a day. We hated them in 2001, we
hate them now. All except this one, which
takes a turn for the surreal and, frankly,
a turn for the better.
http://www.thetoiletonline.com/leaveit.htm
>> Spazzy Llama song <<
We like llamas. If we didn't have regular sex
with ladies, then llamas would be, ooh, maybe
our third choice. This mongstrosity makes
us grin like meat-sated kittens. BTW: Number
two? A quick J Arthur. Nothing wrong with a
shuffle. Try one under the desk. Aim for the bin.
http://www.angrymonkey.net/putfileshere/thellamaso...
>> Spam <<
Spam is the shittest thing ever. Ok, that's
old news. You know spam really fucks us off at
b3ta towers - that's why we don't accept email
anymore and ask you to use a form to talk to
us. We were getting 600 of the fuckers a day.
Our life was hell. The one thing that never
occurred to us was to actually read the spam.
It occurred to one time Webby winner Zefrank
though, who reads it to camera in a disarmingly
sincere way. Great stuff that surfs the line
between being utterly dull and oddly compelling.
http://www.zefrank.com/request/index_better.html
>> Infinite zoomy picture <<
Back in our youth we spent a huge amount of time
making our eyes go out of focus and trying to
fall into photographs. Thank fuck for tech.
Now we can do it without the eye strain.
Inspirational stuff - but we're waiting for
a remix that allows you to shoot stuff.
http://razghul.ice.org/misc/zoom/zoom.htm
>> Webtard keyboard idea <<
Is there someone in your life who's lost
the power of ordinary English? No, we're not
talking about the common or Northerners. We
mean tossers who insist on going :) lol
and rofl. They are scum who should be shot.
Here's a re-design for their keyboards.
http://www.hotlush.com/rofl3000/
>> Rolling eye weirdo <<
When we're watching kitten masturbation videos
and video cut-ups of the World Trade Disaster
set to disco classics like It's Raining Men
we like to roll our eyes. But we're not as
good as this chap. He's the fucking king.
http://www.killakid.com.nyud.net:8090/video/wiggle...
>> Shitty bum <<
This web vid looks unpromising but slowly
draws you in by upping the creativity from
shot to shot. Great stuff, but we're curious
about the title. Shitty bum? Hmm. We reckon
it's a the natural evolution of the mis-heard
lyric. Sod the middle-man.
http://www.c-monandkypski.nl/video/shittybum.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Scottish Fold Cat
It's not enough these days to simply say
"kittens are cute" - the cute hunters are
now into breeds.
To be down with the kids you need to know
the difference between a Rex (yuck) and
Scottish Fold (sweet, look at the ears.)
http://home.inreach.com/flcco/abba.html
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: BIT TORRENT TV
Stuff we've watched this week
We've given up watching terrestrial TV, we
download it instead. OK, that's mostly
to annoy a friend of ours who works in
advertising. But hey. It's a new age. TV is
better this way. And that's all we care about.
>> Dead like me <<
Touching, mawkish, downbeat and melancholy,
this is TV for goths. Telling the story of a
teenage girl killed by a toilet seat, her
re-birth as Confessions of a Teenage
Grim Reaper via an ensemble cast that
delivers laughs with the pathos. Series one
is better than two, probably due to the
involvement of Wonderfalls creator
Brian Fuller.
http://www.suprnova.org/
>> Heat Vision & Jack <<
Pilot directed by Ben Stiller, never even
shown on television. The story of a man and his
talking motorcycle. Jack Black plays 'Jack Austin',
an ex-astronaut who got too close to the sun and
became the smartest human being alive. Great
dialogue, "Slut monkeys must die" and a spot
on parody of 80s telly like Knight Rider. We
wouldn't be surprised to see this material
re-worked as a film in the next few years.
http://waxy.org/bt/
>> Sex Pistols documentary <<
Changes are happening at BBC4. Last year their
programming was a load of toff nonsense about
classic arts and music. And now? Suddenly
they've discovered (retro) pop music, and
are churning out docs on the Stone Roses
and Kirsty MacColl. Best of the bunch is
Blood on the Turntables' look at the Sex Pistols,
which pulls off quite a coup. Previous films have
only told one side of the story: Great Rock
'n' Roll Swindle being a Malcolm Maclaren
re-write of history. Its answer-piece, The
Filth and the Fury being John Lydon pulling
the same trick. The new documentary solves this
by getting them both on the same show, which was
presumably a difficult bit of booking. Wunderbar.
http://www.uknova.com
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK #2
Money's too tight to mention
Last week we wanted to know how you coped when
the money ran out.
http://b3ta.com/questions/skint/
Seems like most of you didn't:
* "How many times can I fall off a roundabout
without being sick after consuming a whole
watermelon? Six. And three stitches.
Gained sixty quid." (iheartyourmum)
* "In my student days, I foolishly spent my cash
for that term on a 300W bass amp and spent the
next 10 weeks eating nothing but spaghetti,
beans and rice. Since then I have spent a good
few years suffering from Irritable Bowel
Syndrome. I blame the bass amp." (Bacon)
* "At university, I went to the doctor claiming
depression, got prescribed Prozac (free) then
sold them on. At school I used to steal CDs
from the younger years, take them into shops
as returns, get record tokens and then sell
them on... I'm now a lawyer!." (Mong-the-merciful)
* "Never try begging for night-bus money when
you've lost your wallet, reek of spirits and
have somehow managed to piss all over your
trousers: Londoners can be so judgemental."
(oRb)
>> This Week's Question <<
Have you ever been totally out of your depth?
Don't worry, B3ta is listening.
http://b3ta.com/questions/outofmydepth/
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: STUPID FUCKING NAME CORNER
The feature that won't die
We've been trying to kill the silly names stuff
for a while - but the links still keep pouring
in and we keep grinning. God help us.
>> Mustafa Kunt <<
Words fail us. What are we meant to say? There's
a bloke called Mustafa Kunt and here's his picture.
Jesus cocking Christ. The world is a strange
old place, kids.
http://snipurl.com/mustafakunt
>> Ginger Minge <<
Look five down, five across. Here's our lady.
http://www.electraisd.net/alumni/1993_seniors.htm
>> Mr Cunty <<
"I'm doing a year's volunteer work in Papua New
Guinea," complains jazzyjay, "but still find time
to look through the phone book looking for funny
sounding names."
http://img86.exs.cx/img86/7278/MrTYCun.jpg
>> Spazz Wheelchair <<
What kind of marketing genius calls their range
of wheelchairs Spazz chairs? Maybe we've been
secretly advising them. Maybe not.
http://www.planetmobility.com/store/wheelchairs/ma...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Krankies, Squirrels, Cows & Lost photos
>> Krankies sing Bowie <<
"I caught this on TV a while back," boasts Rob
Manuel. "It took ages to track down a tape of
it, but I knew you needed to see it too."
This is archive footage of disturbing UK
variety act the Krankies, performing Space
Oddity. Watch, dear reader, and boggle.
http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2004/10/krankies-sin...
>> Squirrel Band <<
There's been a secret history of squirrels
on b3ta - always bubbling under kittens
as a potential usurper. Will Eclectech's
animation knock them off the top spot?
Hmm. Americans aren't so keen on tree rats
you know, and the web is a world market.
But hey - it's pretty.
http://www.maycontainnutz.com/squirrelpower.php
>> Square cows <<
Funny things, cows. They can stir strange
notions in a young man's fancy. Just for
instance, Kamikaze Stoat has been musing "What
if you could get square ones?"
http://www.kamikazestoat.co.uk/squow.php
>> That's me in your photo <<
Who are they, those strange people who pop up in
your photo album? The bloke you've drunkenly
got your arm around, the girl who walked into
shot just as the flash went off. Ally_Baby is
all about matching people up with their random
photo buddies. Not much to see now, but it could
get big.
http://www.thatwasme.net/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Misheard Lyrics' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Two weeks ago we wanted you to deliberately
mishear song lyrics for comedy effect:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misheardlyrics/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Flowerpot' to judge the
entries - here are her 3 faves.
Flowerpot writes -
#1 "Carmina Burana - I thought this would be
easy. In the end I had to choose the entries
which made me laugh the most. Selecting 1st
place was easy though. This had me shrieking
like a girlie then left me speechless. It's
funny, clever and original and I'm dead
chuffed that now I can sing along to this
song because before this entry I had no clue
what they were singing about... (meak)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3774156
#2 "Bohemian Rhapsody - There were tons of B.R.
entries and then THIS came along. 'Oh another
one', I thought. Then it carried on and on...
This is an epic, the entire song and it's
fantastic. (Afrikawan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3795588
#3 "Rock the Cat Spa - Silly lyrics for a great
song AND it features no-hands plus other
feline guests, one of whom is wrapped in a
fluffy pink towel, aaahh. (Raymonkey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3773685
Tradition has it that there should be a special
mention. There were quite a few for this position
due to the large number of quality entries so
I'd rather just send a hearty Hip-Hip-WOO to
Beau Bo d'or, Dave the Hat, Duphrates, Hankster,
Mushybees, Prodigy69 and Wibblywobbly."
Last week we wanted you to show us what a big
difference a tiny spelling maistake can make:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spellingmistake/
We asked B3ta boarder 'FoldsFive' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
FoldsFive writes -
#1 "100% FACT! - Another fantastic week of
postings for Duphrates, of which this Jimi
Hendrix one was absolutely top-drawer, and
genuinely made me laugh out loud. The cartoons
of this individual are absolutely top-class.
(Duphrates)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3799840
#2 "Nerd - Of a number of Jaws-related
competition entries this week, Wintermute's
shone the brightest. Lovely shopping and
beautifully done... and I must admit to being
a real sucker for a Star Wars reference of any
kind, sad geek that I am. (Wintermute)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3811738
#3 "Special Q - Feral Chicken's been a busy 'un
this week but this one was the best of the lot,
in my own humble opinion. Subtle yet effective
eye movements and a lovely caricature to boot,
although it was a close call between this and
his Corn Frakes entry! (Feral Chicken)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3806217
And if I may be so bold to give a special mention
to Skeet for Europe for plain and unashamed use
of the word 'fwap' and some most excellent
shoppage skills."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3805389
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, The Challenge Dictator wants to know
"Why I can't sleep at night"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cantsleep/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* INAPPROPRIATE METAPHOR GUY RETURNS - "I can't
believe you hadn't heard of Ian Holloway
earlier", giggles flokemon, "I'm disappointed
every time he is not featured on BBC Sport's
Quotes of the Week." More quotes here. The
guy is an utter star.
http://queensparkrangers.rivals.net/default.asp
* UNEXPECTED B3TA BBC INFILTRATION - In BBC
SPORT, under the Fun and Games section, they
have a weekly competition called The Crayon
Game. Look carefully at the back.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/funny_old_game/cra...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* I'M FEELING SPENDY BUTTON - use the Amazon
API to automatically order random goods
based upon what you want to spend. £5?
£100. It's all a web lottery.
* ENTRIES TO THE LOOK AROUND YOU COMP -
do us proud, people of b3ta, do us proud.
* NICECUPOFTEA BOOK NUMBER 1 - in the Amazon
sales charts. Nicey will be happy. Wifey
will be happy. B3ta co-founder Pep (who
designed their logo) will be happy. And
you'll be happy, because you've got a great
read at a bargin price. Woo hoo.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/031672917...
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by crassbastard, Valium has a
Seat Leon and can go anywhere, Zog, supermoore,
tess_ara, amazongirl_uk, chris_swan, Speccy,
Munsta, marktighe, auxeye, crayon_game & kjc5.
Top Tippery by Nicey.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the bookish b4ta boffins. (79318)
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TOP BISCUITY TIP:
Unable to break into that pack of Gingernuts?
Then simply straighten out a thin paperclip
and push the end into the pack between two
biscuits, then move it round in a lateral
fashion. Depending on the cellophane, this
will often produce an attractive frilly cut
in the pack, which is an added bonus. A note
of caution, always take care with straightened
out paper clips or you'll have somebody's
eye out. (Tip from Nicey.)
