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This Week:
* INTERVIEW - Nice Cup Of Tea book launched
* FLASH COMPETION - Make stuff for TV
* LEGALS - Kilroy threatens to sue b3tard

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__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 154 - 15 Oct 2004

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  Get your Flash stuff on TV

  Did you catch Look Around You a couple of years
  back? It was a fantastic show parodying schools
  programming of the 80s.

  They're back in December and this time have 
  a half-hour show riffing on Tomorrow's World.

  And they need your help. They want you to 
  mock up 10 second non-playable demos of really
  crappy computer games.
  Read the instructions here.


  Sheep, Cars, Goths & Weebl sings

  >> Baa Wars <<
  "It's the cross-over everyone's been waiting
  for," bleats web music maestro Koit. He's a
  funny funny cunt, Koit. We guessed the joke
  before it started and we still laughed
  with glee.

  >> Stunt video <<
  Ben Wheatley has outdone himself here with a 
  big bag of video genius. You'll think "Oh yeah?
  So what?" Then you'll go "Blimey." Then you'll
  press play again. This is sweet.

  >> Sisters of Mercia <<
  No longer the humble newsletter scribes - this
  week we are AS GODS! Rob did the tune, Rob did
  the dancing. Dave lurked in the background,
  holding a keyboard. Witness and worship:

  >> Weebl sings...  <<
  After the pants-arousing shock of seeing Rob and
  Dave on camera, good old Jonti wants to help blow
  your load with his singing, live, uncensored
  and on camera. Despite dancing like the father
  of the Star Wars kid, we managed to crack one


  Help us make a Christmas number one

  Nicey and Wifey are the oldest of b3ta friends.
  They've been posting on and helping moderate
  our messageboard for about three years.

  They also run a website about biscuits. We've
  interviewed, bigged-up and generally tried
  our best to tell the world of their genius.

  We're proud to say that maybe we've helped.
  Certainly proud now that they've got themselves
  a proper publishing deal and everything. The
  book's available to pre-order on Amazon, it's
  shipping next week and we're all rather excited.
  To celebrate, here's a mini interview to
  catch up with the now-celebrity couple.

  B3TA: The site is about biscuits and the name
  is all about tea...

  NICEY: Not a problem, 'cause tea leads to
  biscuits. By the time your brain has scanned
  to the end of 'nice cup of tea and a sit down'
  most well-adjusted people should be thinking
  'biscuits'. In the book we go into tea in some
  detail, and a bit of cake, and sit downs, as
  well as biscuits of course.

  B3TA: Now that your site has made you famous
  with numerous TV appearances - give us a
  celeb anecdote.

  NICEY: Well, when doing BBC Breakfast I once
  sat next to Esther Rantzen in makeup without
  realizing it. To be fair she was also unaware
  that she was sitting next to me, so it was a
  mutual sort of thing. When I got back in the
  green room there she was up on the monitor.
  I think its because in the flesh she's much
  smaller than she should be, and because her
  dress was very purple which distracted me.
  By the way, their mugs of tea that sit on the
  table in front of them are completely empty.
  They also had Quentin Cooper the film review
  guy in to cover the Christmas films, and I
  said, "You can't whack the Muppets Christmas
  Carol", I especially liked the part played by
  Gonzo, but he was more interested in my iPod.

  B3TA: Biscuits make you fat. Any thoughts on
  healthy options?

  NICEY: Well biscuits aren't really what
  nutritionists call a wonder-food. Examples of
  these are seaweed, millet and quinoa grains.
  Mind you, I bet your average nutritionist likes
  a digestive with their mid-morning cuppa. Of
  all biscuits Fig rolls are probably the best
  thing for you due to their fig content which
  has fibre as well as complex carbohydrates.
  In general, the best approach is to earn your
  biscuits either through some healthy exercise
  such as brisk walking, or strenuous work like
  digging over the garden or perhaps composing
  a long email.

  B3TA: We've recently got a taste for herbal
  teas - peppermint infusions being a favourite.
  Can we still be in your club?

  NICEY: No not really. You see none of the
  herbal stuff is proper tea, just because it
  comes in a bag and you pour boiling water on
  it. Perhaps you'll progress on to the real
  stuff via a convoluted route. This might seem
  harsh, but really if you went into the sort of
  establishment that sells bacon sandwiches and
  all day breakfasts and exercised your new-found
  'tea' drinking skills I think you would
  quickly come unstuck.

  B3TA: Which nationality makes the worst tea?

  NICEY: The Americans of course. They have made
  it a matter of notional pride to be ignorant of
  the ways of tea since the Boston Tea Party.
  This even extends to having a puny 120V
  National Grid so that their kettles are all
  underpowered, weak and useless. Of course I
  cover this in the book.

  B3TA: Have you been recognised in the street?

  NICEY: I'm very happy to say no. However, just
  the other week I was recognised in the dentist's,
  if that counts. I was having a spot of
  emergency dental treatment whilst over in
  Ireland, after a slice of the mother-in-law's
  homemade bread had dislodged a filling. The
  dentist asked me what I did, and I replied,
  "mostly talk about biscuits." He said, "I've
  heard you on the radio, talking about extinct
  biscuits." He seemed quite excited, however his
  dental assistant remained professional and

  B3TA: Have biscuit manufacturers tried to
  bribe you for a good review?

  NICEY: Yes, but only after I had already done
  the review, so it was a bit pointless really.
  The method they choose was to send us 48 packets
  of them. This slightly backfired as that was
  approximately 45 packs more than we really
  needed. It took us about two months to offload
  them on anybody who visited us. Everybody has
  always been so keen for us to remain impartial
  but we have made no secret that we are open to
  the idea of parcels of money.

  >> Pluggity plug  <<
  Nicey is a major talent. Biscuits are his
  starting point, but his material is the warm
  nostalgic glow of everybody's childhood treats.
  Oh, and it's funny. Ha ha. Is shiny, you
  like, you like.

  BTW: They also sent us a review copy that
  came in a funky box. Have a look. You will
  be dead jealous.


  Over silly web gag

  A few months back we brought you Mystery Bob's
  little bit of mischief. He'd taken a bit of
  footage from a comedy DVD and stuck it online
  with a domain name suspiciously similar to
  the UK Independence Party.
  They've got in touch. And they're not happy.

  Tony Bennett, Research Assistant to Robert
  Kilroy-Silk writes:

  "I represent Mr Kilroy-Silk and the U.K.
  Independence Party. You are advised that your
  site will be reported to the Police and we are
  currently taking the advice of a libel barrister
  as to its contents. I am a Solicitor as well as
  a research assistant.
  "You may wish to consider removing the site
  So the battle is on. Should Mystery Bob
  capitulate to legal threats? Or should he
  stand strong and proud - free to mock silly
  old fools who spout racist crap against Arabs?


  Strange things you've been paid to do

  The other week we asked for the strangest things
  you've actually been paid to do.

  These are just some of our favourites that you
  can read in full on the website:

  #1 Monkey Fishing
  "I had to deal with several large skips full
  of assorted monkey body parts, scavenged from
  various zoos over the years, preserved lovingly
  like a fetid monkey soup with chunks. Enter me,
  with shoulder-length rubber gloves, and, a
  gasmask sorry "industrial respirator". We had
  to go in pairs, in case someone fell in and
  drowned. What's this in the bucket? Oh look.
  It's a dismembered chimpanzee. That or we'd
  found Jeff Dahmer's secret stash." (sags)

  #2 Collecting Poo
  "We were testing a drug's efficacy on worms
  only readily obtained from cats. You can't put
  a nappy on a cat (and I would love to see
  someone try) and the need for fresh wormy shit
  meant extracting a cat from its luxurious living
  quarters, putting it in a plastic dustbin, then
  turning a hose on it, to "persuade" it to dump.
  This is horrible for the cat, and not fun for me,
  as I got thoroughly scratched and bitten. But
  the best bit was the resulting miasma of cat
  intestinal bacteria measurable in the air several
  corridors away which stank like only hot cat
  shit can do." (godstar)

  #3 Grunters
  "I once got paid to serve pizzas in a pig-themed
  restaurant called 'Grunters', dressed in a pig
  costume. When people ordered we had to go,
  'Oink oink'. They served the worst pizza ever
  invented called the Sow Pie. It had snails on it
  and an egg fried in Pernod. (Dannyo)


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Not shit George Bush animation  <<
  At b3ta towers we get about a million Bush
  flash things a day. We hated them in 2001, we
  hate them now. All except this one, which
  takes a turn for the surreal and, frankly,
  a turn for the better.

  >> Spazzy Llama song <<
  We like llamas. If we didn't have regular sex
  with ladies, then llamas would be, ooh, maybe
  our third choice. This mongstrosity makes
  us grin like meat-sated kittens. BTW: Number
  two? A quick J Arthur. Nothing wrong with a
  shuffle. Try one under the desk. Aim for the bin.

  >> Spam <<
  Spam is the shittest thing ever. Ok, that's
  old news. You know spam really fucks us off at
  b3ta towers - that's why we don't accept email
  anymore and ask you to use a form to talk to
  us. We were getting 600 of the fuckers a day.
  Our life was hell. The one thing that never
  occurred to us was to actually read the spam.
  It occurred to one time Webby winner Zefrank
  though, who reads it to camera in a disarmingly
  sincere way. Great stuff that surfs the line
  between being utterly dull and oddly compelling.

  >> Infinite zoomy picture <<
  Back in our youth we spent a huge amount of time
  making our eyes go out of focus and trying to
  fall into photographs. Thank fuck for tech.
  Now we can do it without the eye strain.
  Inspirational stuff - but we're waiting for
  a remix that allows you to shoot stuff.  

  >> Webtard keyboard idea <<
  Is there someone in your life who's lost
  the power of ordinary English? No, we're not
  talking about the common or Northerners. We
  mean tossers who insist on going :) lol
  and rofl. They are scum who should be shot.
  Here's a re-design for their keyboards.

  >> Rolling eye weirdo <<
  When we're watching kitten masturbation videos
  and video cut-ups of the World Trade Disaster
  set to disco classics like It's Raining Men
  we like to roll our eyes. But we're not as
  good as this chap. He's the fucking king.

  >> Shitty bum <<
  This web vid looks unpromising but slowly
  draws you in by upping the creativity from 
  shot to shot. Great stuff, but we're curious
  about the title. Shitty bum? Hmm. We reckon
  it's a the natural evolution of the mis-heard
  lyric. Sod the middle-man.


  Scottish Fold Cat

  It's not enough these days to simply say 
  "kittens are cute" - the cute hunters are
  now into breeds.

  To be down with the kids you need to know
  the difference between a Rex (yuck) and
  Scottish Fold (sweet, look at the ears.)

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Stuff we've watched this week

  We've given up watching terrestrial TV, we
  download it instead. OK, that's mostly
  to annoy a friend of ours who works in
  advertising. But hey. It's a new age. TV is
  better this way. And that's all we care about.

  >> Dead like me << 
  Touching, mawkish, downbeat and melancholy,
  this is TV for goths. Telling the story of a
  teenage girl killed by a toilet seat, her
  re-birth as Confessions of a Teenage
  Grim Reaper via an ensemble cast that
  delivers laughs with the pathos. Series one
  is better than two, probably due to the
  involvement of Wonderfalls creator
  Brian Fuller. 

  >> Heat Vision & Jack <<
  Pilot directed by Ben Stiller, never even
  shown on television. The story of a man and his
  talking motorcycle. Jack Black plays 'Jack Austin',
  an ex-astronaut who got too close to the sun and
  became the smartest human being alive. Great
  dialogue, "Slut monkeys must die" and a spot
  on parody of 80s telly like Knight Rider. We
  wouldn't be surprised to see this material
  re-worked as a film in the next few years.

  >> Sex Pistols documentary <<
  Changes are happening at BBC4. Last year their
  programming was a load of toff nonsense about
  classic arts and music. And now? Suddenly
  they've discovered (retro) pop music, and
  are churning out docs on the Stone Roses
  and Kirsty MacColl. Best of the bunch is
  Blood on the Turntables' look at the Sex Pistols,
  which pulls off quite a coup. Previous films have
  only told one side of the story: Great Rock
  'n' Roll Swindle being a Malcolm Maclaren
  re-write of history. Its answer-piece, The
  Filth and the Fury being John Lydon pulling
  the same trick. The new documentary solves this
  by getting them both on the same show, which was
  presumably a difficult bit of booking. Wunderbar.


  Money's too tight to mention

  Last week we wanted to know how you coped when
  the money ran out.

  Seems like most of you didn't:

  * "How many times can I fall off a roundabout
    without being sick after consuming a whole
    watermelon? Six. And three stitches.
    Gained sixty quid." (iheartyourmum)

  * "In my student days, I foolishly spent my cash
    for that term on a 300W bass amp and spent the
    next 10 weeks eating nothing but spaghetti,
    beans and rice. Since then I have spent a good
    few years suffering from Irritable Bowel
    Syndrome. I blame the bass amp." (Bacon)

  * "At university, I went to the doctor claiming
    depression, got prescribed Prozac (free) then
    sold them on. At school I used to steal CDs
    from the younger years, take them into shops
    as returns, get record tokens and then sell
    them on... I'm now a lawyer!." (Mong-the-merciful)

  * "Never try begging for night-bus money when
    you've lost your wallet, reek of spirits and
    have somehow managed to piss all over your
    trousers: Londoners can be so judgemental."

  >> This Week's Question <<

   Have you ever been totally out of your depth?
   Don't worry, B3ta is listening.


  The feature that won't die

  We've been trying to kill the silly names stuff
  for a while - but the links still keep pouring
  in and we keep grinning. God help us.

  >> Mustafa Kunt <<
  Words fail us. What are we meant to say? There's
  a bloke called Mustafa Kunt and here's his picture.
  Jesus cocking Christ. The world is a strange
  old place, kids.

  >> Ginger Minge <<
  Look five down, five across. Here's our lady.

  >> Mr Cunty <<
  "I'm doing a year's volunteer work in Papua New
  Guinea," complains jazzyjay, "but still find time
  to look through the phone book looking for funny
  sounding names."

  >> Spazz Wheelchair <<
  What kind of marketing genius calls their range
  of wheelchairs Spazz chairs? Maybe we've been
  secretly advising them. Maybe not.


  Krankies, Squirrels, Cows & Lost photos

  >> Krankies sing Bowie <<
  "I caught this on TV a while back," boasts Rob
  Manuel. "It took ages to track down a tape of
  it, but I knew you needed to see it too."
  This is archive footage of disturbing UK
  variety act the Krankies, performing Space
  Oddity. Watch, dear reader, and boggle.

  >> Squirrel Band <<
  There's been a secret history of squirrels
  on b3ta - always bubbling under kittens
  as a potential usurper. Will Eclectech's
  animation knock them off the top spot?
  Hmm. Americans aren't so keen on tree rats
  you know, and the web is a world market.
  But hey - it's pretty.

  >> Square cows <<
  Funny things, cows. They can stir strange
  notions in a young man's fancy. Just for
  instance, Kamikaze Stoat has been musing "What
  if you could get square ones?"

  >> That's me in your photo <<
  Who are they, those strange people who pop up in
  your photo album? The bloke you've drunkenly
  got your arm around, the girl who walked into
  shot just as the flash went off. Ally_Baby is
  all about matching people up with their random
  photo buddies. Not much to see now, but it could
  get big.

  Results from the 'Misheard Lyrics' Challenge
  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
  Two weeks ago we wanted you to deliberately
  mishear song lyrics for comedy effect:
  We asked B3ta boarder 'Flowerpot' to judge the
  entries - here are her 3 faves.
  Flowerpot writes -
  #1 "Carmina Burana - I thought this would be
    easy. In the end I had to choose the entries
    which made me laugh the most. Selecting 1st
    place was easy though. This had me shrieking
    like a girlie then left me speechless. It's
    funny, clever and original and I'm dead
    chuffed that now I can sing along to this
    song because before this entry I had no clue
    what they were singing about... (meak)
  #2 "Bohemian Rhapsody - There were tons of B.R.
    entries and then THIS came along. 'Oh another
    one', I thought. Then it carried on and on...
    This is an epic, the entire song and it's
    fantastic. (Afrikawan)
  #3 "Rock the Cat Spa - Silly lyrics for a great
    song AND it features no-hands plus other
    feline guests, one of whom is wrapped in a
    fluffy pink towel, aaahh. (Raymonkey)
  Tradition has it that there should be a special
  mention. There were quite a few for this position
  due to the large number of quality entries so
  I'd rather just send a hearty Hip-Hip-WOO to
  Beau Bo d'or, Dave the Hat, Duphrates, Hankster,
  Mushybees, Prodigy69 and Wibblywobbly."

  Last week we wanted you to show us what a big
  difference a tiny spelling maistake can make:
  We asked B3ta boarder 'FoldsFive' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.
  FoldsFive writes -

  #1 "100% FACT! - Another fantastic week of
    postings for Duphrates, of which this Jimi
    Hendrix one was absolutely top-drawer, and
    genuinely made me laugh out loud. The cartoons
    of this individual are absolutely top-class.
  #2 "Nerd - Of a number of Jaws-related
    competition entries this week, Wintermute's
    shone the brightest.  Lovely shopping and
    beautifully done... and I must admit to being
    a real sucker for a Star Wars reference of any
    kind, sad geek that I am. (Wintermute)
  #3 "Special Q - Feral Chicken's been a busy 'un
    this week but this one was the best of the lot,
    in my own humble opinion.  Subtle yet effective
    eye movements and a lovely caricature to boot,
    although it was a close call between this and
    his Corn Frakes entry! (Feral Chicken)
  And if I may be so bold to give a special mention
  to Skeet for Europe for plain and unashamed use
  of the word 'fwap' and some most excellent
  shoppage skills."

  >> This Week's Challenge <<
  This week, The Challenge Dictator wants to know
  "Why I can't sleep at night"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

    believe you hadn't heard of Ian Holloway
    earlier", giggles flokemon, "I'm disappointed
    every time he is not featured on BBC Sport's
    Quotes of the Week." More quotes here. The
    guy is an utter star.

    SPORT, under the Fun and Games section, they
    have a weekly competition called The Crayon
    Game. Look carefully at the back.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * I'M FEELING SPENDY BUTTON - use the Amazon
    API to automatically order random goods
    based upon what you want to spend. £5? 
    £100. It's all a web lottery.

    do us proud, people of b3ta, do us proud.

  * NICECUPOFTEA BOOK NUMBER 1 - in the Amazon
    sales charts. Nicey will be happy. Wifey
    will be happy. B3ta co-founder Pep (who
    designed their logo) will be happy. And
    you'll be happy, because you've got a great
    read at a bargin price. Woo hoo.
  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by crassbastard, Valium has a
  Seat Leon and can go anywhere, Zog, supermoore,
  tess_ara, amazongirl_uk, chris_swan, Speccy,
  Munsta, marktighe, auxeye, crayon_game & kjc5.
  Top Tippery by Nicey.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the bookish b4ta boffins. (79318)


  Unable to break into that pack of Gingernuts?
  Then simply straighten out a thin paperclip
  and push the end into the pack between two
  biscuits, then move it round in a lateral
  fashion. Depending on the cellophane, this
  will often produce an attractive frilly cut
  in the pack, which is an added bonus. A note
  of caution, always take care with straightened
  out paper clips or you'll have somebody's
  eye out. (Tip from Nicey.)

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