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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 185: "IT'S A LEMON PARTY IN YOUR MOUTH"

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This Week:
* PHOTOS - What does a rabbit vag look like?
* OBJECT  - How do dwarves wipe their arse?
* DOCTOR WHO - The theme tune they SHOULD have

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__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 185 - 10 Jun 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue185/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  The IT Files - Episode 2 "Snoop-a-doop"

  A couple of weeks into his new job as Head
  of IT, Mike is starting to get to grips with
  things. Things like how well the sprinkler
  system works.
http://www.intel.co.uk/itfiles


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want your link in this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  New Doctor Who Credits

  For the first time in absolutely-bloody-ages,
  we at B3ta Towers sit as a family, eyes-agog
  each Saturday at 7pm to watch Doctor Who. No
  torrent schmorrents for us, we actually view
  it on the telly. Why? Because it's flipping
  brilliant and Christopher Eccleston & Russell
  T Davies deserve a knighthood each. (BTW: Fans
  should also check out their thought-provoking
  2003 production The Second Coming.)

  Anyway. Lo, the greebo warrior has emailed
  us to say, "I had a moment of blinding
  inspiration in the pub on Friday night, when I
  realised that DogHorse's tune 'observations
  on time travel' is actually the same length
  as the new doctor who theme."

  This is the result. We laughed a bit too
  much really.
http://snipurl.com/fhv8


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  When animals attack

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
 
  Last week we asked "when were you last beaten
  up by an animal?":
http://b3ta.com/questions/animalsattack/

  Lots of good stories this week, so here are
  three that made us laugh at their authors:
 
  * Feeding the Elephants
    "When I was about 12 years old my dad and I
    went to the zoo, where you could feed the
    elephants bits of carrot and so on. I chose
    a piece of banana. Nice harmless banana. Bah.
    The offending elephant happily accepted his
    treat, smooshed it up REAL good... and sneezed.
    Now, if you've ever been sneezed on by a person,
    you know how much comes out of a little nose.
    Now think huge trunk. My word. And just to make
    matters worse after I comprehended what was
    going on, he sneezed again. Elephants are
    rubbish." (dirty gypsy)
     
  * Beaten up by the cat
    "My cat was sleeping on the side of my bed.
    The sheets were slipping off, and so was puss.
    Suddenly he went over the side completely. I
    moved over to grab him, and at the same time
    he shot out both of his paws as fast and as
    hard as he could in order to grab on to
    something... The next day I had to go to work
    with a black eye and sheepishly explain that
    I had been punched out by the cat." (Jim the Bad)
     
  * Why I cannot tolerate bumblebees...
    "Once, when I was a nipper, a bumblebee flew
    into my nappy. My parents and assembled company
    thought I was dancing. I was not dancing.
    The thought of it still distresses me now."
    (HelloSailor)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us the things you've
  bought whilst drunk. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/drunkenpurchases/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Ultimate geek keyboard <<
  Obviously, where nerdery is concerned, the
  more obscure it is, the better. That's why
  this keyboard is such a winner - it doesn't
  even have markings on the keys. The only
  thing better, surely, would be if it was in
  l33t-speak.
http://www.daskeyboard.com/


  >> Sex your rabbit up <<
  Ah, the eternal mystery of which sex your
  rabbit is. Avoid embarrassing scenes in Thai
  saunas by using this simple guide to establish
  the gender of your rodentine companion.
http://www.rabbitnetwork.org/articles/sexing.shtml


  >> How do dwarves wipe their arse? <<
  They use this rather elaborate device is the
  answer. Frankly, this is just another example
  of people with disabilities getting all the
  good stuff. First the little scooters and
  now this. Bah.
http://www.selfwipe.com/


  >> Don't Mess With French Police Dogs <<
  The French love their dogs, but do their dogs
  love them? Their police Alsatians seem worryingly
  overzealous: the rest of the squad is only there
  to drag the dog off after its smashed through
  a lorry to get at the juicy criminal inside.
http://www.b3tards.com/m/policedog.wmv


  >> S & M toilet <<
  Not so much surprised it exists as to find it
  squatting on the German eBay. In short - if you
  find yourself incapable of making your toilet
  business without imagining you're in the lap of
  a giant fetish leather woman then this could be
  your lucky week.
http://snipurl.com/fhzo


  >> Pathetic flowers for the Queen <<
  Blokes discover the Queen is visiting their Uni,
  scrape up a sickly, weedy little bunch of flowers
  and present it to her. She doesn't want to seem
  rude so she has to take it and walk around all
  day with it. It's the pictures that really make
  this one...
http://fazed.org/forum/?p=slorum&id=19479&page=1


  >> Grange Hill London <<
  Chriddy writes, "A mate of mine is obsessed with
  Grange Hill, and is researching every single
  location used throughout all 15 series - he finds
  them and photographs them as they are now." It's
  genuinely rather interesting to see how these
  streets have changed over the last 20-odd years,
  but the level of fidelity to original shots from
  the show can be a little frightening at times.
http://snipurl.com/fhzm


  >> Brazilian Star Wars <<
  You don't need the defence budget of a small
  country to make a shit Star Wars film. Nope,
  you can do it on a shoestring, as this cheapo,
  nasty Brazilian rip-off attests. Another one to
  go on our big "so shit they're good, but still
  not as enjoyable as an actually good film so not
  going to watch it after all" list.
http://snipurl.com/fhzl


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Penguin breakout, gay dog, baby giraffe

  We've been accused (wrongfully) of a kitten bias
  here in cute corner. Perhaps the sight of these
  lovely penguins daringly escaping their zoo
  enclosure will rectify the imbalance. Cheers
  Eclectech.
http://eclectech.co.uk/penguinescape.php


  Could this dog be any gayer? Our survey said
  "Uh-uh."
http://snipurl.com/fhzh


  Is it a giraffe, or is it a puppet? One from the
  'ugly spud' school of cuteness to finish up.
http://snipurl.com/fhzj


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

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: KILL ME NOW
  It's funny names corner
 
  What makes Sandy Balls so special? Is it the
  ideal location - nestled in 120 acres of glorious
  woods ? Is it the warm welcome? Nope.
  It's the fucking stupid name.
http://www.sandy-balls.co.uk/special.asp


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Adolf & CD swapping service
 
  >> Hitler with your rhythm stick <<
  In Victorian times heroin was marketed as a
  non-addictive morphine substitute and cough
  medicine for children. And in other news,
  here's Matazone's short but pleasing loop of
  Hitler having a dance.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/dancing-hitler.html


  >> Swapshop for iGeeks <<
  Fancy listening to some new music this summer?
  Join in Taz's plan and send a random web person
  a CD of your favourite tunes, as hopefully
  they'll do the same.
http://www.funjunkie.co.uk/the_summer_burn.cfm


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Breakfast Cereal Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted to see new toys in boxes of
  breakfast cereal.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/breakfast/

  We asked b3ta boarder Spacehog to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Spacehog writes -

  #1 "Breakfast Surreal - Most entries based around
      puns didn't turn me on. This one was
      different. It hit all the right buttons,
      leaving me limp and quite helpless with
      pleasure. (giant_squid)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4745900

  #2 "A whole lot of pain - Breakfast is too safe.
      People have been too complacent for too long.
      This entry combined lurking danger with a
      wholesome hearty breakfast, which worked
      for me. (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4752274

  #3 "Escher Flakes - I've always had a soft spot
      for Dutch mathematical artists, and luckily
      for The Neville his picture fitted the bill
      perfectly.  Plus he drew more pictures of
      cornflake boxes in a week than is healthy,
      so he deserves a result. (The Neville)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4727362

  "Special mention to Mutated Monty for his
  brilliant 'black hole' animation, which was
  just too popular for its own good and ended up
  borked."

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor Zak McFlimby gave
  us the suggestion, "Inside factories. How do
  they really make X?"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/factories/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MISSING LINK - on the email version of last
    weeks newsletter we forgot to stick this
    quizzy URL in. If you didn't catch it,
    then have a go. It's fun.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/ashen1/ashen/cartoon/morph.html

  * JAPANESE COCKS UPDATE - jmvp writes, "Your
    'generic Japanese website' phallic logo is
    better than you realise. 'Nagoya hone mamoru kai'
    means 'Nagoya Bone Protection Society'. Boom.
    Boom.

  * CILLIT BANG DOESN'T WHITEN TEETH - Farcicle
    Pseudonym writes, "one of my friends put some on
    his toothbrush and had a go. Apparently it
    tasted awful and made his gums and lips hurt."
    Quelle surprise there.

  * SITE CRITICISM - Aris89 has emailed us to say,
    "Please stop dringing, start smoking pot. Then
    your site will be far more better." Well maybe
    that's true Mr Aris89, but the cannabis isn't
    doing much for your spelling now, is it?


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SEARCH ENGINE COOKBOOK - let the internet
    decide your menu by typing in your available
    ingredients (whatever isn't too mouldy) and
    cook the result.

  * WIKIPEDIA MUSICAL TRIBUTE - "Oh wiki you're
    so fine, You're so fine you blow my mind.
    Hey wiki! Hey wiki! It's sites like you
    wiki..." We also want to see Andy Williams'
    Can't Take My Eyes Off You re-written as,
    "I love you Google, your search results are
    rather frugal, my middle name is almost
    Dougal" Er.. Or is it just us that sing
   improvisational songs when we open our
    favourite websites?

  * WORLD'S FUNNIEST WORDS - according to a boy
    we were at infant school with, they were
    "sword" "salamander" and "pumpkin". Can
    someone do some proper journalistic research
    on this? Maybe including phoning up lots
    of famous people for their opinions? Cheers.


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Barnaclese, Wizzard419,
  alexbuirds, Chrid, jms, stupid_american_chick,
  serenissima, SiX & next week, it could be you...
  Top Tippery by hotlcp
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the savage b4ta weasels.
  (102973 - 26320)
 
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  TOP TIP:
  "After seeing your Top Tippery about frozen
  toast, I felt the urge to tell you about
  the convenience of frozen lemons. Buy them
  in bulk, cut into slices, then layer them on
  a baking tray (put some cling film between
  each layer). Freeze. Hey presto, ices n'
  slices in one."

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