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NEWSLETTER: "DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK. WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR YEARS. ROCKIN OUR PEERS AND PUTTIN SUCKAS IN FEAR."

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This Week:
* VIDEO - Arson Sam
* GAME - Milk the giraffe
* QUESTION - Has Google ruined your life?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 215 - Valentine's Day 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue215/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: WHY THE TUESDAY NEWSLETTER?
  
  Last Friday our email list - over 100,000 of
  you - disappeared from Yahoo. Frankly we got
  into a bit of a sulk that something that has
  taken so long to build could disappear over
  night. Thankfully - by late Monday - Yahoo
  restored our list and - despite our paranoia
  that we'd done something to really upset them
  - said, "Apologies for the problem. We would
  like to continue to host your list." So thank
  goodness for that. We were shitting bricks.
  
  Anyway. It's the knowing that there are readers
  that keeps us writing this newsletter. So, 
  the thought that we'd lost you made us sob
  into our pillows.

  Here's to you, dear readers, as without your
  subscriptions this newsletter and site simply
  wouldn't exist.

  B3ta loves you damnit. Each and every last 
  hairy one of you.

  BTW: If you're reading this via the website
  and have never signed-up, please do, seeing
  the numbers go up gives us internet-wood.
  There's an email box on the right-hand-side
  of our frontpage. Make us stiff.
http://www.b3ta.com/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Arson Sam, Lactating giraffes and Rathergood

  >> Arson Sam << 
  Genius idea here. John1024 has taken the
  children’s TV show Fireman Sam and played
  it backwards so that Sam starts fires. He
  writes - "it's the Welsh Mafia in action in
  Pontypandy with Sam turning in to a right
  little arsonist." It's the subtitles that
  make it - we were crying with laughter.
http://snipurl.com/arsonsam


  >> Milk the giraffe <<
  Meanwhile, in another part of the world,
  Matazone has been labouring mightily and the
  fruits of his crafting is truly, in his words,
  "the best giraffe-milking game that you've
  ever played." Uncannily realistic. For all
  we know.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/gm/giraffe-milking.php


  >> Rathergood knees song <<
  Joel has been writing songs again, this time
  claiming that cats have knees. When we all
  know they don't, they have elbows. Different
  execution than usual. Nice.
http://www.rathergood.com/knees/


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: 24 FEB IS WORK YOUR PROPER HOURS DAY
  Sponsored link

  It's about time. Join the resistance to the
  long-hours culture by taking a proper lunch break
  and leaving on time for a change on Friday 24th.
  To work out how much pay you're losing out on
  and for info, posters and puppies in peril visit:
http://b3ta.workyourproperhoursday.com


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: 'SICK JOKE' BOOK UPDATE
  
  Thanks to everyone who's contributed to the
  sick joke project so far. There's been some
  fantastic entries and we're ecstatic with joy.

  We're keeping our promise of talking to
  publishers and we hope to be able to bring
  you news on that front soon.

  BTW: We've also been contacted by a TV
  documentary maker who's recently been
  commissioned to make a show in a similar
  area and he's asked us to be interviewed as
  an 'expert in sick humour' which is very
  flattering, and made us giggle that we could
  be considered an expert in anything other
  than picking our own noses.

  >> Help out <<

  We're looking for your worst sick jokes and
  and illustrations. There's an overview of how
  to join in here:
http://www.b3ta.com/features/sickjokebook/


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: VALENTINE'S DAY
  
  * INCEST CARDS - "Hello B3ta", writes Andy,
    "I thought you might be interested to know
    that Clinton Cards are selling brother/sister
    Valentine's cards. Now I know that I live in
    the North but we aren't all like that."

  * POTATO OF LUUURVE - if you fancy something a
    bit less cliché than chocolates, you could
    do worse than this wondrous, potato-shaped
    like a love-heart. Admittedly, not much
    worse.
http://snipurl.com/potatoofluuurve

  * STILL NUMBER 1 - for a Google search of 
    'I love you' is our ancient cheesy kitten
    thing about "you're better than ice-cream".
    Kinda feel guilty about it as we were taking
    the piss and still get emails from people
    going, "I sing that to my cat" or better,
    "I got the DJ to play that at my wedding."
http://www2.b3ta.com/i-love-you/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Culty Cult Cults

  After a friend revealed that he'd been involved
  with the Moonies, we wondered how many of you
  lot had been culties?
  
  A lot of the stories are far too long to cut
  down for the newsletter, but follow the link and
  you'll find:
  
  * Soapy Norris showing how the most terrifying
    thing you can find at a cult meeting is an
    ex-member of Level 42
    
  * Hoogie using a loud hailer to get some Mormons
    off his doorstep 
    
  * Sir_spicious pretending to be voice of L. Ron
    Hubbard on an intercom at Scientology's UK HQ
    
  * Doofus listing his top ten best things about
    no longer being a Jehovah's Witness, although
    we reckon eating black pudding should be higher
    up the list than number six.
    
  * Mastic's Jedi obsessed mate, "Obi wan Del Monte"
  http://b3ta.com/questions/cults/


  >> This Week's Question <<

  Has Google's autocomplete ruined your life? Have
  you had a Gary Glitter moment in PC World?
  Talk to us here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/googleruinedmylife/


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: DADDY YOUR PENIS IS HURTING MY ANUS
  It's the single entendre 'funny names' corner

  Jeru writes - 

  "This letter was from Lloyds TSB, when receiving
  my new PIN. I think they could pick a better
  person's name to put on the letters. I almost
  feel sorry for the woman."
http://www.calabrese.f2s.com/unfortunate.jpg


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: GIVE IN TO YOUR VENGEFUL URGES
  Sponsored link
  
  Don't get mad, get Evil.
  Shock, Squirt, Sicken and Stink them out.
  Over 150 fiendish pranks to keep your victims
  wide eyed and nervous.
http://snipurl.com/kmzf


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Can the internet buy me a house?  <<
  The internet is magic. It can turn a good idea 
  into hard cash. Alex from the milliondollarhomepage
  did it, and also our friends like Joel and Jonti
  have earnt a few quid from spinning off their web
  creations into the advertising world. The latest
  player of the game is Kyle MacDonald who is 
  attempting to swap a paperclip for something of
  more value, and then swap that, until he gets
  his own house. He's already managed to get a van,
  and we suspect once the marketing types hear
  about this and see the promotional value of
  going in on his game, and inevitable book deal
  and TV documentary, he'll be well on his way.
  Good luck Kyle - although he could do with a
  snappier redesign of his site.
http://snipurl.com/papercliphouse


  >> Dave’s arty link corner << 
  Newsletter co-writer Dave is a trained graphic
  design with a keen eye for the arts. Starting
  this week we're running his art appreciation class,
  he writes, "Mona Lisa is an OK painting, but
  Da Vinci would have been better advised to add
  dogs. Lots of dogs."
http://www.mycraftshowroom.com/monatransfers.htm


  >> Fat people - naked  <<
  Leonard Nimoy - better known to you as the author
  of 'I am not Spock' and controversially 'I am
  Spock' knows what makes the world tick: voyeurism.
  He knows that you want to see nude fat ladies so
  you can point and laugh. The cynical chubby-chasing
  pointy-eared cunt.
http://www.leonardnimoyphotography.com/7bodybot.htm



  >> Cat internet eats itself <<
  Sing with us, "The cats watch the kittens while
  the kittens watch the cats who watch the kittens
  go by." 
http://www.flurl.com/uploaded/Cat_watchings_Cats_61689.html


  >> Traffic scratching <<
  "Nice bit of video here", writes Oodles, "If you
  could actually do this with traffic I might
  actually get a  license." Warning: this is
  something that marketing types like to call
  a 'viral' but we're linking it as we quite
  like it.
http://snipurl.com/m0u3


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: FILTHY MARKETING OF THE WEEK
  and not that Engrish shite

  >> Spunky pizza <<
  Tony Blews writes -
  "Sirs, regarding your FILTHY MARKETING OF THE
  WEEK. Our local Perfect Pizza is still using
  these boxes, about four years after everywhere
  else spotted the flaw."
http://www.coobeastie.co.uk/bucket/spunky_pizza.jpg


  >> Rear-entry kittens <<
  "Check out what I found in a kid's store in Hong
  Kong", exclaims Russ, "It's a shower cap, with a
  picture of some very sexy kittens!"
http://b3ta.com/board/5615264


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE

  No results this week, as we're still running
  the  Sick Jokes challenge, but we do have a
  new contest to test your photo-meddling skills

  >> New challenge: Switching Movie Directors <<
  Imagine a world where Quentin Tarantino directs Bambi,
  where Mel Brookes applies his magic touch to Apocalypse 
  Now; a land in which movie directors are in charge of 
  films entirely unsuited to their style.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moviedirectors/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and
  vote on the ideas suggested by others.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Anal sex song & Bouncy game

  >> Do you take it up the arse? <<
  Every so often we get emails from a chap called
  Kirby from Canada asking us to look at his latest
  videos. We have no idea who he is, but he's
  very persistent. Yay for weird Canadians.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/do_you_take_it.htm


  >> Minimalist bounce game <<
  "Bounce is to Web-based games what potted meat
  is to cardigan sweaters," brags turdhead of his
  creation. Perhaps that's a rash claim, but it
  didn't stop us enjoying a good few minutes of 
  colour-clicking action, once we'd figured it out.
http://www.turdhead.com/cosmic-bounce


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GEEK SONGS VID - A couple of weeks ago, we asked
    if any brave souls could make a video of Albert
    the Mildly Deranged's rewrite of the BeeGees'
    'Tragedy' - so a slap on the back to Curis and 
    his chums for this nerdy treat.
http://www.youtube.com/w/?v=cm4VMsyWrtE


  * GEEK SONGS AGAIN - More of the stupid songs
    you sing to yourself in your everyday routine.
    Emvee tells us that "when peering down the
    tunnel at Kentish Town station waiting for
    the train to arrive, I've been known to sing
    the ditty: 'Tubey dooby doo, where are you?'
    much to the embarrassment of my friends."


  * THE TESCO VALUE DIET - ShadowmanX took up our
    challenge of recent weeks to see if someone
    could survive consuming only food from the 
    intimidating pikey Tesco Value range. He's
    a braver man than us, but deserves a stern
    ticking-off: Nice write-up, but it's missing
    photos of his horrible meals and the man
    himself looking sicker and sicker.
http://tesco-value-me.livejournal.com/

    
  * BRIAN PEPPERS: THE TRUTH - We've all been
    having a bit of a laugh about freaky-looking
    sex offender Brian Peppers. However, someone's
    taken the trouble to do a bit of research and
    here, it seems, is the real story. We hang our
    heads in shame.
 http://pepperstruth.ytmnd.com/
 

  * JIMMY SAVILLE LOVES B3TA - Thanks PhilDup, who
    was watching a TV show with Jimmy Saville on
    last night. Apparently, the 70s superstar has
    a big printout of the 'Apocalypse Now Then'
    pic by b3ta's very own lovely Chobb. He really
    likes it:
http://www.fatdrunkandstupid.com/chobb/b3ta_chobb_now_then.jpg


  * WINNER OR SINNER: WORLDWIDE - We've been 
    getting reports that the 'Be A Winner Not
    A Sinner' preacher, memorably interviewed by
    Kirk Rutter in newsletter 157, has abandoned
    his usual Oxford Street roost and been spotted
    doing his thing on the streets of Sydney, 
    Australia. Cheers to cocoloco for the pic.
http://snipurl.com/mjlw


  * ROADKILL CUISINE - No sooner do we ask for it than
    it appears. Some bloke from Cornwall is writing a
    book of recipes using dead animals from the side
    of the motorway.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2017102,00.html


  * BOOK ABUSE - A couple of weeks ago we were winding
    one of readers up with tales of our childhood
    book-eating predilections. Well blow us, if it didn't
    start a positive flood of similar booky confessions.
    
    Among them:
    
    Sundae writes, "Thank flip this wasn't just me!
    I used to get into soooo much trouble for this.
    I can still recall the taste of a good Enid Blyton
    (aged, dusty and slightly smoked). Perhaps other
    readers have a favourite book flavour?"

    Julian confesses, "When I was 16 or so my friend
    and I got it in to our heads that we would smoke
    the whole Bible. We started off by using the
    Nativity for roaches, and would no doubt have done
    something similar with the fluffier bits of the
    New Testament, but stopped short when we realised
    that we had no way of offending the people we
    wanted to offend, since to do so we'd have to admit
    to being teenage pot addicts. We were vile idiot
    children. Plus the flimsy pages of the average
    Bible made shitty roaches. They always went wet
    and fell out..."
    
 
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * LONLEY VALENTINE SWAPSIES - disappointed
    that you didn't received a card this year?
    Sign up for a community based website where
    the more cards you agree to send, the more
    you get from random strangers.

  * HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - syringe a pint of blood
    from your arm and cook with oatmeal and
    onions. Actually there's a whole website here:
    'The Self Cannibal', fry up your tonsils with
    some garlic butter, or turn your liposuction
    fat into suet. You'll win the Turner Prize,
    or get your own TV documentary, mark our words.

  * LIGHT SABRE SWALLOWING - geeky update on 
    the old circus sideshow attraction. Should
    get the nerds excited anyway. Especially if
    you can turn out the lights and film an
    ethereal stomach glow.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Jamie Crick
  Top Tippery by Rob 'my fingers hurt' Manuel.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Wooyaying by the b4tas. (107460 - 32740)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Prevent your hands from chapping in this cold
  weather by keeping a small pot of moisturiser
  in your coat pocket. 

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: BONUS 'MILLION DOLLAR HOMGEPAGE' INTEVIEW
  Alex credits B3ta newsletter for his success!

  We went to some web industry evening last week
  and some guy came up to us and said, "The Million
  Dollar Homepage bloke is looking for you lot.
  It's funny right, 'cause all the press are here
  and want to talk to him, but he wants to talk to
  B3ta."

  Obviously flattered we speak to him.

  Him: You're from b3ta?

  Us: Yeah.

  Him: It's like pretty big yeah?

  Us: Yeah. The biggest thing in the universe

  Him: Cheers for linking my site - it was a huge
  boost of traffic in the early days.

  Us: So we made you a millionaire?

  Him: Yeah. Maybe. Cheers for calling me a 'cunt
  for thinking up the idea'.

  Us: Not a problem.

  Him: So you make money from B3ta?

  Us: Well we sell a few ads on the newsletter.

  Him: Yeah. Worried that will alienate the
  readers?

  Us: Well we figure give people 90% what they
  want and you can shove in 10% of what YOU want
  and they won't mind. Although we obviously should
  just make it 100% ads. Like your site. That's
  where we're going wrong.

  Him: Ha. Absolutely.

  Us: So there's lots of people asking you what
  are you going to do next?

  Him: Yeah. I'm trying to think stuff up. Less
  novelty, more long term.

  Us: Novelty is good though.

  Him: I don't want to be a flash in the pan. I
  think there's a million ideas on the internet
  that'll make money. I'm just deciding which one
  to work on next.

  Us: So you've deferred university?

  Him: Yeah. I might go back.

  Us: So how did that go. Did you drive on campus
  in a Porsche and flick Vs at the Vice Chancellor?

  Him: Yeah. Tossed the deferment papers out the
  window.

  Us: Anyway. Which sites do you rate? Flickr?

  Him: It's ok. Not sure about the all the Web
  2.0 sexiness stuff.

  Us: It's window dressing to get the geeks
  excited, Flickr works because it's simply the
  best way to share photos. Ok. Delicious?

  Him: Nah. Don't get it. Bit geeky. I like Digg
  though.

  Us: God yeah. Fantastic site. All the democratic
  voting instead of editors picks. Makes life
  so much easier.

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