NEWSLETTER: "WHY DOES DOCTOR PEPPER COME IN A BOTTLE?"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - If the Romans built the internet
* PHOTOS - Roving B3ta reporter special
* VIDEOS - Video, fucking loads of it.
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 219 - 10 Mar 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
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: B3TA PEOPLE TAKE PHOTOS
Vandalism, Goatse (sorry) & L33t stuff
>> Dinosaur cocks <<
"I drove past a lovely piece of vandalism
this morning", snorts Apeman, "and nearly
crashed the car I was laughing so much. It's
near Swindon rail station, if anyone cares to
look." Huzzah - loving this new trend of b3ta
people spotting weird things to photo. BTW:
this reminds us of a recent conversation
we had with MJ 'Hey Hey 16k' Hibbett who
was petitioning us to run 'Sexy Dinosaurs'
as our next image challenge.
http://snipurl.com/neod
>> Pastry Goatse <<
Oh gawd. If you're reading this and work at
the Co-Op you might want to have words with
your HR department. Apparently you've been
employing a b3tard by the name of cr3ative
who's been giving your customers Goatse'd
food. He writes, "Well, if they will insist
on leaving me in charge of the royal Danishes..."
Shame he didn't go for a jam filling though.
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/danishse.jpg
>> L33t road signs <<
Less geeky readers need a few footnotes here:
Leet speak is what teenage hackers use to
chat online, similar to txtspeak but even
more incomprehensible. Leet means elite, hence
'the best'. Quite how that ended up as a
road marking in Huddersfield is anyone's
guess. Cheers to MC Quirkafleeg for the photo.
http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/5978/leettraffi...
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: HUMAN ZOO
Blue / Yellow Man
Flickr have recently changed their community
guidelines to "Don't Be creepy. Don't be that guy.
You know the guy." We wonder if they're talking
about this guy?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/paintmeblue/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Bum Sex, Arctic monkeys, Yeast & The BBC
>> Bum Sex <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer has been singing songs
about bumming and attempting to hump inanimate
objects. Why? Yours is not to question why. Oh
ok, it's something to do with buying a new
video camera last weekend and being left alone
in the house.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/2359
>> Down with Arctic Monkeys <<
UK readers are probably sick to their back
teeth with the group Arctic Monkeys and their
"Oooh, we became famous via the net. The
interwebs love us" shtick. Mike Fishcake is,
anyway and has written a lovely little song to
air his frustration. WARNING: Contains the word
'fuck' rather a lot. But no cunts. Huzzah!
http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php
>> Yeast! <<
Not really sure why we're linking to this.
When we first looked at it we thought, "This
is a bit rubbish." Then spent the next 20 minutes
shouting "yeast!" Maybe you'll do the same.
If you do, our friend Londingham is to blame.
WARNING: Not safe for ladies with Candida
Albicans infections.
http://www.sodall.co.uk/cannesten.html
>> New BBC Idents <<
Electrolaze has been busy making a song with
all the DIY attitude of punk rock and none of
the fury. We're amused by the idea of the BBC
taking it up as their new station indent. It's
all about context you see; something that's
a bit crappy on the web would be fantastic
as a five million quid bit of branding.
Imagine the viewers' letters!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/2465
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Jesus Christ - has the web gone video mad or
what? Every other link emailed to us these
days is Google Video or YouTube. Here's our
pick of the stuff sent in this week.
>> Muslim rave <<
Gah. We're not really down with Muslim bashing,
it's all so nasty really. But we couldn't help
but laugh at this odd little video. FYI: What
actually seems to be going on is that the
chubby little Shiite cleric is being overcome
with emotion during the festival of Ashurah.
http://snipurl.com/nemm
>> Holiday idea <<
We've never been that bothered about being rich
at B3ta Towers as we've got enough cash to
muck about on the web and drink beer which is
exactly what we want to do anyway, so what
would we use money for anyway? This video
shows what: shooting cars with machine
guns and making them explode. We want to do
this so much our pee-pees hurt.
http://snipurl.com/nemn
>> Elvis spotted in Morrisons <<
Morrisons is a downmarket UK supermarket,
frequented by students and chavs. And, apparently,
Elvis. Nice to know what he gets up to on his
trips back to Earth from the mothership. We
particularly like the 'just caught on a mobile
phone - I've got to tell my friends' feel to
this vid and the lovely - if brief - voiceover.
http://snipurl.com/nemo
>> Rolling Stones Rice Krispies advert <<
The Stones eh? Most famous for Keith Richards'
heroic drug consumption and Sir Mick Jagger's
er.. Sir-Mickness. Back in the early 60s they
were recording jingles for Rice Krispies.
This is true btw; we had to check it wasn't
a wind-up.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/2227
>> Welcome to Sligo <<
Meet Aine Chambers and her boundless enthusiasm
to promote her home county of Sligo, Ireland.
Charmingly bonkers, the more clips you watch,
the funnier it gets. Always with the same
dialogue, the same tossing of hair, and the
increasingly skimpy outfits. This woman is a
legend. Can she really be real?
http://snipurl.com/nemr
>> AIDS! <<
So it's a cheap joke, so we've run it before.
It's still great that a 70s slimming drug shares
an unfortunate name with everyone's favourite
immunodeficiency syndrome. This clip is an
American Aydes ad and the gag is as funny as ever.
http://snipurl.com/nemt
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Funny menu <<
Keeping on the theme of Asian restaurants having
'Long Kok Now'-style names (possibly to keep
the punters grinning "oh these stupid foreigners"
whilst actually very successfully promoting an
eatery), here's a particularly odd menu. Best line?
"Salty egg king steams the vegetable sponge."
http://www.rahoi.com/2006/03/may-i-take-your-order...
>> Three tits <<
There's a phrase "happy as a dog with two
cocks" and yet no one says, "happy as a lady
with three tits." Here's why. NSFW etc.
http://www.redlightarea.com/gallery/three_boobies....
>> Stink-free shit <<
You might like to think that your shit don't
stink, but honey it does. But there's a solution:
Whiff is a dietary supplement that turns your
poo green, gives you stomach-ache and makes
you fart like a pig. Hoax? Well the fun is
in having a look and guessing for yourself.
http://www.takeawhiff.com/What%20Happens.htm
>> Odd-faced photos <<
Ever released air between vibrating lips
in imitation of a snorting horse? This
site is your friend. A fine collection
of photos of people looking rather strange.
http://www.blowersworld.com/index2.htm
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Airport Stories
We wanted to know all the horrible things that
had happened to you in airports:
http://b3ta.com/questions/airportstories/
Here's three that made us giggle:
>> Don't inhale <<
Last year in an act of desperation I took a
contract job in Saudi Arabia. After hearing
all sorts of rumours I was pretty worried
especially with the security situation.
The Marriott had concrete posts outside to
protect against bombers, there were machine
gun check points everywhere and a small square
outside the hotel where they would behead
people on a Friday. All in all I was pretty
glad to get back to the airport. The taxi
driver on the way back pointed out the power
pylons that Al-Qaeda had blown up the week
before. By now I was pretty nervous, and felt
the need to relieve my poor bowels big time.
After running to the toilet cubicle and giving
the bowl a good splattering I noticed one of
those bubbler pipe things that you see in
Arab markets. Wow. These Saudis sure know
how to relax and have just gone up in my
cultural estimation. Relax, take a dump and
a smoke. Heaven. I picked up the pipe, put
it to my lips and with a contented sigh
pressed the lever and took a good deep breath.
Fucksox. I nearly choked and drowned as my
lungs filled with the shitty water from some
Arab's crap box. These fucking things are for
washing your ass. I have never been back to
the middle east since. (mong the merciless)
>> Eight nights, man! <<
At JFK airport starting a week's honeymoon,
the immigration chappy was one of the biggest
guys I've ever seen. At least 6'8" and built
like a brick outhouse - not in stereotypically
American lardarse sense, but just 20 stone of
bulging muscle. "Purpose of Visit?" "Holiday,
well, honeymoon actually" "Congratulations Sir,
but why New York?" "I like shoe shops" "OK,
works for me. How long will you be staying?"
"Seven days, but eight nights" (I was worried
that I might be thrown out on the stroke of
midnight on the last day, I get very nervous
around authority) "AAAAAALLLLL RIIIIGHT!!!
EIGHT NIGHTS MAN!!!" The rest of the lounge
is then treated to the impressive sight of
this colossus standing up and miming shagging
someone bent over his desk, while also spanking
her ass and whooping and hollering as if his
life depended on it. I laughed so hard stuff
came out of my nose. It took at least half a
dozen attempts to take my picture with the
little digicam thingy because I couldn't
keep a straight face. (Throbbe)
>> Das Blob <<
Coming back from the land of bureaucracy (or
Germany as it says on the map), I had my bag
searched at the airport. The impassive German
security guard went through my stuff, finding
nothing of interest until he comes across that
potentially most dangerous of weapons, a tampon.
He held it up, quizzically saying 'Wass is das?'
'It's a tampon', I replied (in English as my
German goes as far as 'Bier, bitte'.) He
obviously was unfamiliar with the word, so he
asked again, more loudly and going slightly
redder in the face. I did the traditional
British thing of 'if they can't understand you,
speak more slowly and loudly'. Nope, he just
shouted a bit louder back. So I realised there
was nothing for it but to mime. I took it off
him, unwrapped it, showed him the little
cardboard tube thingy, pointed out the
absorbent inner core, then pointed at my
downstairs lady bits. He looked, if possible,
even more confused and angry. Thank god at
that point a female guard came over, clocked
what was happening, shrieked "KLAUS, NEIN!"
and thrust my bag back at me, while dragging
him off to presumably explain the fine points
of women's hygiene products. I swear I thought
I was going to have to actually shove the damn
thing in to make my point that it wasn't loaded.
(Rakky)
>> This Week's Question <<
Tell us about the big school fight. We know you
had one:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fightfightfight/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Fluffy World Challenge
Last week we wanted pictures of a world gone
fluffy, where where even the most evil act
would result in lovely, charming, innocent
results.
Our favourites included:
* CARTOONS ARE FUN - proof that if we were all
a little more tolerant, the World would be
a much lovelier place. (MonkeySpoon)
* THE SHINING - A remake of Kubrick's horror
classic, with added ice-cream and a very nice
snowman. (Sunshine Elephant)
* SEAL CLUBBING - In which the annual cull is
thwarted by an absence of sharp axes.
(prodigy69)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fluffy/
>> New challenge: The Roman Internet <<
The Romans invented loads of stuff: the
alphabet, concrete, even satire and pizza. But
what if the web had been around? What would
they have used it for? Show us the Roman
Internet...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/romans/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* NEWS OF THE WORLD - continues to rob b3ta
pics. Every time we mention this in the
newsletter we get emails going "sue them!",
er.. we're too small, they're not our images,
and we can't be arsed anyway.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5727143
* SHITTY TOMATOES #1 - robbyinnes writes - "whilst
working as an asbestos surveyor I had the
pleasure of visiting water treatment plants.
I came across rather a lot of shit blessed
with abundant tomato plant growth & juicy
fruit. I had to taste, of course, and
they were the sweetest fruits I've ever eaten
born of human excrement." Ewwww!
* SHITTY TOMS #2 - Scary Duck writes - "Thanks
for the linky in this week's newsletter.
Traffic through the roof, as you might
imagine, and this week will be mostly
spent crouching over holes in the garden
with a camera. What have I done?" Ewwww x 2!
* STRANGE LIBEL CORNER - Mrs Liveinbin smirks,
"Just thought you might like to know that I
was in the Jury when the 'I was raped by my Dad'
(front cover of Love It magazine you linked)
story went to trial. What the dirty little tart
doesn't tell you is that she used to trade her
dad sex and blow jobs to get extra pocket money
or a lift into town!" Err... Don't send us
hate mail - we just pass the messages on.
* QUESTIONSWAP UPDATE - "Site is doing really
well. At one point the questions were firing
in at the rate of one a second. So, getting
close to 200,000 pageviews a day, which is
something I've always dreamed of. Currently
conducting am interview via email with a
journalist. That's never happened before.
Quite flattering to answer questions about
yourself!"
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: FRIDAY GAME
Nice Tank Game
So many web games spack out on the graphics
so much that they run like a pig and there
is no gameplay. Nice to see someone kicking
it old school with some original vector
flavours. The AI is a bit poxy on the early
levels but it soon picks up into a fantastic
game of Tank vs Tank action. Woos all round.
http://www.turbotanks.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* YOUTUBE - to get some fucking investment and
buy faster servers. Your service is creaking
dudes. A word to the wise: if Google Video
just sped up their upload approval process
they'll win all your users.
* WEARESHEEP.COM - can you get your mates to
hold up a sign saying "we are sheep", take
a few photos and get 1000s of people online
joining in? We reckon you could, but then
we would, wouldn't we?
* RAPE SAUSAGE - dunno what that means and
frankly it's very late and we haven't
slept and maybe if we write it in the
correct format then no-one will notice.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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: THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by jeremy monkey, functionkey,
bold rabbit and ivegotafatvaginayeahyeahyeah.
Top Tippery by SKK.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Props to b4ta. (108023 - 33837)
*** Answer to joke: Because his wife is dead. ***
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: TOP TIP:
To stop potatoes from budding keep an apple in
the bag with them. Conversely, if you would like
to make apples go bad really quickly, store them
in a bag with a potato.
