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This Week:
* CHALLENGE - If the Romans built the internet
* PHOTOS - Roving B3ta reporter special
* VIDEOS - Video, fucking loads of it.

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 219 - 10 Mar 2006

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  Vandalism, Goatse (sorry) & L33t stuff

  >> Dinosaur cocks <<
  "I drove past a lovely piece of vandalism
  this morning", snorts Apeman, "and nearly
  crashed the car I was laughing so much. It's
  near Swindon rail station, if anyone cares to
  look." Huzzah - loving this new trend of b3ta
  people spotting weird things to photo. BTW:
  this reminds us of a recent conversation
  we had with MJ 'Hey Hey 16k' Hibbett who
  was petitioning us to run 'Sexy Dinosaurs'
  as our next image challenge.

  >> Pastry Goatse <<
  Oh gawd. If you're reading this and work at
  the Co-Op you might want to have words with
  your HR department. Apparently you've been
  employing a b3tard by the name of cr3ative
  who's been giving your customers Goatse'd
  food. He writes, "Well, if they will insist
  on leaving me in charge of the royal Danishes..."
  Shame he didn't go for a jam filling though.

  >> L33t road signs <<
  Less geeky readers need a few footnotes here:
  Leet speak is what teenage hackers use to
  chat online, similar to txtspeak but even
  more incomprehensible. Leet means elite, hence
  'the best'. Quite how that ended up as a
  road marking in Huddersfield is anyone's
  guess. Cheers to MC Quirkafleeg for the photo.


  Blue / Yellow Man

  Flickr have recently changed their community
  guidelines to "Don't Be creepy. Don't be that guy.
  You know the guy." We wonder if they're talking
  about this guy?


  Bum Sex, Arctic monkeys, Yeast & The BBC

  >> Bum Sex <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer has been singing songs
  about bumming and attempting to hump inanimate
  objects. Why? Yours is not to question why. Oh
  ok, it's something to do with buying a new
  video camera last weekend and being left alone
  in the house.

  >> Down with Arctic Monkeys <<
  UK readers are probably sick to their back
  teeth with the group Arctic Monkeys and their
  "Oooh, we became famous via the net. The
  interwebs love us" shtick. Mike Fishcake is,
  anyway and has written a lovely little song to
  air his frustration. WARNING: Contains the word
  'fuck' rather a lot. But no cunts. Huzzah!

  >> Yeast! <<
  Not really sure why we're linking to this.
  When we first looked at it we thought, "This
  is a bit rubbish." Then spent the next 20 minutes
  shouting "yeast!" Maybe you'll do the same.
  If you do, our friend Londingham is to blame.
  WARNING: Not safe for ladies with Candida
  Albicans infections.

  >> New BBC Idents <<
  Electrolaze has been busy making a song with
  all the DIY attitude of punk rock and none of
  the fury. We're amused by the idea of the BBC
  taking it up as their new station indent. It's
  all about context you see; something that's
  a bit crappy on the web would be fantastic
  as a five million quid bit of branding.
  Imagine the viewers' letters!



  Jesus Christ - has the web gone video mad or
  what? Every other link emailed to us these
  days is Google Video or YouTube. Here's our
  pick of the stuff sent in this week.

  >> Muslim rave <<
  Gah. We're not really down with Muslim bashing,
  it's all so nasty really. But we couldn't help
  but laugh at this odd little video. FYI: What
  actually seems to be going on is that the
  chubby little Shiite cleric is being overcome
  with emotion during the festival of Ashurah.

  >> Holiday idea <<
  We've never been that bothered about being rich
  at B3ta Towers as we've got enough cash to
  muck about on the web and drink beer which is
  exactly what we want to do anyway, so what
  would we use money for anyway? This video
  shows what: shooting cars with machine
  guns and making them explode. We want to do
  this so much our pee-pees hurt.

  >> Elvis spotted in Morrisons <<
  Morrisons is a downmarket UK supermarket,
  frequented by students and chavs. And, apparently,
  Elvis. Nice to know what he gets up to on his
  trips back to Earth from the mothership. We
  particularly like the 'just caught on a mobile
  phone - I've got to tell my friends' feel to
  this vid and the lovely - if brief - voiceover.

  >> Rolling Stones Rice Krispies advert  <<
  The Stones eh? Most famous for Keith Richards'
  heroic drug consumption and Sir Mick Jagger's
  er.. Sir-Mickness. Back in the early 60s they
  were recording jingles for Rice Krispies.
  This is true btw; we had to check it wasn't
  a wind-up.

  >> Welcome to Sligo <<
  Meet Aine Chambers and her boundless enthusiasm
  to promote her home county of Sligo, Ireland.
  Charmingly bonkers, the more clips you watch,
  the funnier it gets. Always with the same
  dialogue, the same tossing of hair, and the
  increasingly skimpy outfits. This woman is a
  legend. Can she really be real?

  >> AIDS! <<
  So it's a cheap joke, so we've run it before.
  It's still great that a 70s slimming drug shares
  an unfortunate name with everyone's favourite
  immunodeficiency syndrome. This clip is an
  American Aydes ad and the gag is as funny as ever.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Funny menu <<
  Keeping on the theme of Asian restaurants having
  'Long Kok Now'-style names (possibly to keep
  the punters grinning "oh these stupid foreigners"
  whilst actually very successfully promoting an
  eatery), here's a particularly odd menu. Best line?
  "Salty egg king steams the vegetable sponge."

  >> Three tits <<
  There's a phrase "happy as a dog with two
  cocks" and yet no one says, "happy as a lady
  with three tits." Here's why. NSFW etc.

  >> Stink-free shit <<
  You might like to think that your shit don't
  stink, but honey it does. But there's a solution:
  Whiff is a dietary supplement that turns your
  poo green, gives you stomach-ache and makes
  you fart like a pig. Hoax? Well the fun is
  in having a look and guessing for yourself.

  >> Odd-faced photos <<
  Ever released air between vibrating lips
  in imitation of a snorting horse? This
  site is your friend. A fine collection
  of photos of people looking rather strange.


  Airport Stories
  We wanted to know all the horrible things that
  had happened to you in airports:

  Here's three that made us giggle:
  >> Don't inhale <<
  Last year in an act of desperation I took a
  contract job in Saudi Arabia. After hearing
  all sorts of rumours I was pretty worried
  especially with the security situation.
  The Marriott had concrete posts outside to
  protect against bombers, there were machine
  gun check points everywhere and a small square
  outside the hotel where they would behead
  people on a Friday. All in all I was pretty
  glad to get back to the airport. The taxi
  driver on the way back pointed out the power
  pylons that Al-Qaeda had blown up the week
  before. By now I was pretty nervous, and felt
  the need to relieve my poor bowels big time.
  After running to the toilet cubicle and giving
  the bowl a good splattering I noticed one of
  those bubbler pipe things that you see in
  Arab markets. Wow. These Saudis sure know
  how to relax and have just gone up in my
  cultural estimation. Relax, take a dump and
  a smoke. Heaven. I picked up the pipe, put
  it to my lips and with a contented sigh
  pressed the lever and took a good deep breath.
  Fucksox. I nearly choked and drowned as my
  lungs filled with the shitty water from some
  Arab's crap box. These fucking things are for
  washing your ass. I have never been back to
  the middle east since. (mong the merciless)

  >> Eight nights, man! <<
  At JFK airport starting a week's honeymoon,
  the immigration chappy was one of the biggest
  guys I've ever seen. At least 6'8" and built
  like a brick outhouse - not in stereotypically
  American lardarse sense, but just 20 stone of
  bulging muscle. "Purpose of Visit?" "Holiday,
  well, honeymoon actually" "Congratulations Sir,
  but why New York?" "I like shoe shops" "OK,
  works for me. How long will you be staying?"
  "Seven days, but eight nights" (I was worried
  that I might be thrown out on the stroke of
  midnight on the last day, I get very nervous
  around authority) "AAAAAALLLLL RIIIIGHT!!!
  EIGHT NIGHTS MAN!!!" The rest of the lounge
  is then treated to the impressive sight of
  this colossus standing up and miming shagging
  someone bent over his desk, while also spanking
  her ass and whooping and hollering as if his
  life depended on it. I laughed so hard stuff
  came out of my nose. It took at least half a
  dozen attempts to take my picture with the
  little digicam thingy because I couldn't
  keep a straight face. (Throbbe)

  >> Das Blob <<
  Coming back from the land of bureaucracy (or
  Germany as it says on the map), I had my bag
  searched at the airport. The impassive German
  security guard went through my stuff, finding
  nothing of interest until he comes across that
  potentially most dangerous of weapons, a tampon.
  He held it up, quizzically saying 'Wass is das?'
  'It's a tampon', I replied (in English as my
  German goes as far as 'Bier, bitte'.) He
  obviously was unfamiliar with the word, so he
  asked again, more loudly and going slightly
  redder in the face. I did the traditional
  British thing of 'if they can't understand you,
  speak more slowly and loudly'. Nope, he just
  shouted a bit louder back. So I realised there
  was nothing for it but to mime. I took it off
  him, unwrapped it, showed him the little
  cardboard tube thingy, pointed out the
  absorbent inner core, then pointed at my
  downstairs lady bits. He looked, if possible,
  even more confused and angry. Thank god at
  that point a female guard came over, clocked
  what was happening, shrieked "KLAUS, NEIN!"
  and thrust my bag back at me, while dragging
  him off to presumably explain the fine points
  of women's hygiene products. I swear I thought
  I was going to have to actually shove the damn
  thing in to make my point that it wasn't loaded.

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Tell us about the big school fight. We know you
  had one:


  Results from the Fluffy World Challenge

  Last week we wanted pictures of a world gone
  fluffy, where where even the most evil act
  would result in  lovely, charming, innocent

  Our favourites included:
  * CARTOONS ARE FUN - proof that if we were all
    a  little more tolerant, the World would be
    a much lovelier place. (MonkeySpoon)

  * THE SHINING - A remake of Kubrick's horror
    classic, with added ice-cream and a very nice
    snowman. (Sunshine Elephant)

  * SEAL CLUBBING - In which the annual cull is
    thwarted  by an absence of sharp axes.

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: The Roman Internet <<
  The Romans invented loads of stuff: the
  alphabet, concrete, even satire and pizza. But
  what if the web had been around? What would
  they have used it for? Show us the Roman

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * NEWS OF THE WORLD - continues to rob b3ta
    pics. Every time we mention this in the
    newsletter we get emails going "sue them!",
    er.. we're too small, they're not our images,
    and we can't be arsed anyway.

  * SHITTY TOMATOES #1 - robbyinnes writes - "whilst
    working as an asbestos surveyor I had the
    pleasure of visiting water treatment plants.
    I came across rather a lot of shit blessed
    with abundant tomato plant growth & juicy
    fruit. I had to taste, of course, and
    they were the sweetest fruits I've ever eaten
    born of human excrement." Ewwww!

  * SHITTY TOMS #2 - Scary Duck writes - "Thanks
    for the linky in this week's newsletter.
    Traffic through the roof, as you might
    imagine, and this week will be mostly
    spent crouching over holes in the garden
    with a camera. What have I done?" Ewwww x 2!

  * STRANGE LIBEL CORNER - Mrs Liveinbin smirks,
    "Just thought you might like to know that I
    was in the Jury when the 'I was raped by my Dad'
    (front cover of Love It magazine you linked)
    story went to trial. What the dirty little tart
    doesn't tell you is that she used to trade her
    dad sex and blow jobs to get extra pocket money
    or a lift into town!" Err... Don't send us
    hate mail - we just pass the messages on.

  * QUESTIONSWAP UPDATE - "Site is doing really
    well. At one point the questions were firing
    in at the rate of one a second. So, getting
    close to 200,000 pageviews a day, which is
    something I've always dreamed of. Currently
    conducting am interview via email with a
    journalist. That's never happened before.
    Quite flattering to answer questions about


  Nice Tank Game

  So many web games spack out on the graphics
  so much that they run like a pig and there
  is no gameplay. Nice to see someone kicking
  it old school with some original vector
  flavours. The AI is a bit poxy on the early
  levels but it soon picks up into a fantastic
  game of Tank vs Tank action. Woos all round.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * YOUTUBE - to get some fucking investment and
    buy faster servers. Your service is creaking
    dudes. A word to the wise: if Google Video
    just sped up their upload approval process
    they'll win all your users.

  * WEARESHEEP.COM - can you get your mates to
    hold up a sign saying "we are sheep", take
    a few photos and get 1000s of people online
    joining in? We reckon you could, but then
    we would, wouldn't we?

  * RAPE SAUSAGE - dunno what that means and
    frankly it's very late and we haven't
    slept and maybe if we write it in the
    correct format then no-one will notice.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by jeremy monkey, functionkey,
  bold rabbit and ivegotafatvaginayeahyeahyeah.
  Top Tippery by SKK.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Props to b4ta. (108023 - 33837)
  *** Answer to joke: Because his wife is dead. ***

  To stop potatoes from budding keep an apple in
  the bag with them. Conversely, if you would like
  to make apples go bad really quickly, store them
  in a bag with a potato.

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