NEWSLETTER: "IF WE HAD A SPOON FOR EVERY READER, WE'D LIVE LIKE A SPOON KING"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Bo 'He-man' Rhapsody
* WEEBL - Frosties ad remix
* INTERVIEW - Maddox / Best Page in the Universe
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 241 - 11 Aug 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue241/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Interview, Frosties, Planes & Noel Edmonds
>> Maddox interview <<
Maddox has been rocking the web since '97 with
his unique brand of arrogance and cynicism on
his self-styled 'The Best Page in the
Universe'. He's recently broken out of the net
ghetto to produce an actual book, so we
thought it was high time to catch up and ask
him the completely irrelevant questions that a
proper publication wouldn't bother with. Read
it - the man is funny with the word stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/maddox/
>> Frosties ad remix <<
Weebl jumps on the Frostie-haters bandwagon
with this short but sweet re-edit of the
horrifically monotonous advert and some CGI
trickery.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/frosty/
>> Dive-bomb your office <<
Great idea: using satellite photography, caz's
site lets you fly a small plane over your
native city. When you find your office you can
shoot it or fly into the side of the building.
We'd love it more if it had big bombs too,
multiplayer option so you could dogfight with
other players and an autopilot option that let
you set a course by typing in a postcode. But
still, excellent stuff. BTW: Someone give this
guy a job, he's looking for one.
http://www.isoma.net/games/goggles.html
>> Your new wallpaper <<
"Erm, a mate gave me this poster," laments
hotwhippets. "But I don't want it." Why ever
not? We've now set it as the official b3ta
wallpaper; a splendid montage of TV presenter
par excellence Noel Edmonds in a variety of
poses and costumes from his heyday as the
golden, bearded boy of BBC1. Whether he's
advertising cigarettes, driving a powerboat or
nursing a sick calf with milk from his
lactating fingertips, Noel remains a visual
feast. If you could literally eat with your
eyes, your irises would become unpleasantly
fat.
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/poster.jpg
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: COOL WATCH
Snakes on a plane - now officially uncool
Jesus-shitting-Christ we're fed up with the
pre-promotion of this film:
* Idiots impersonating Samuel L. Jackson in the
pub, "Snakes on a plane mouthafukka!"
* Endless messageboard threads thinking of
sequels, "Spiders on a submarine!"
* A trailer on YouTube that isn't as exciting
as imagining the movie in your head.
All the marketing has peaked too early and we
hope we're the first to point out the film has
jumped a big snakey shark.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Encounters of Royalty
We wanted your best royalty stories, thinking
we wouldn't get that many, but what we got
would be tabloid gold. To our surprise,
there's loads of fabulous royal stories and
not one tapped phone in sight:
http://b3ta.com/questions/encounterswithroyalty/
* Nearly 'shot' one of the buggers
"I don't recommend doing this. Prince
Phillip was visiting the building next to us
on our Sheffield 'business park'. Our top
floor had a cracking view of next door's
reception. We had darkened windows (from the
outside, can't see in) and I had a
reasonably well powered laser pointer.
Seriously, it's funny for about a second to
try and 'draw' squiggly lines on the Queen's
Husband's Forehead. Watching every single
plain clothes copper in the crowd and
surrounding area go fucking mental was a
sight to behold. And the secret service. And
the police. And the mayor. Philip, oblivious
of course. My heart rate must have hit 4
figures until i disposed of the laser
pointer, got to my desk and played it very
very cool while the secret service came and
spoke everyone in the building. I even
managed to look annoyed at their presence."
(I have run out of coke)
* Never curtsey in fishing waders
"Many, many moons ago, my Great Aunt was
fly- fishing in a patch of river up in the
highlands of Scotland. The side of the river
she was fishing on was owned by some local
laird, and on the other side was Balmoral
Castle. It was late August, and it was
fairly normal to see the occasional pair of
Royals out on horseback on the other side of
the river. According to the locals, the
great rule was that unless they acknowledge
your presence first, you ignored them
entirely. Great Aunt was in a fairly deep
patch of the river, and therefore in waders,
happily fishing away. Suddenly on the other
side of the river she sees the Queen Mum,
walking along the river bank. The Queen Mum
gives my Great Aunt a nod and so she, in her
excitement, curtsies. In her fishing waders.
In four and a half feet of water. Cue the
waders rapidly filling with water, Great
Aunt shrieking from the cold, and the Queen
Mother absolutely wetting herself with
laughter. Family legend." (hakkety)
* Prince William stole my job
"I had just finished a Masters course and
was desperate to get work experience on a
research project called Shoals of Capricorn,
based somewhere idyllic in the Indian Ocean.
They were studying marine plankton ecology
out there, and I had just received a
distinction for my 6-month MSc project all
about marine plankton ecology. My MSc group
was a small one, so I have little
reservation in saying I was probably the
best qualified graduate in the country for
the position. I am also a qualified SCUBA
diver. They turned me away, saying they
wanted 'someone better qualified.' Imagine
my surprise when, 4-weeks later, an 18-year
old Prince William got the position as part
of his Gap Year. He was the perfect
candidate - the Sun newspaper told me -
'because of his A-level geography
qualification.' But I'm not bitter. No,
wait! Yes I am." (daytripper)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your stories of running away. Have you
bottled it recently or as a kid?. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/runningaway/
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: YOUR GUIDE TO CREATIVE SWEARING
The other day we jokingly called the official
b3ta dad a schmuck. He was bewildered, never
having heard it before and asked what it
meant. We had to google it - it literally
means 'foreskin', which is an excellent and
underused insult. We're going to be calling
lots more people foreskins now. What new
insults are you using in your neck of the
hood? Share them with us, web-mongs.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Debbie Mcgee <<
To our non-UK readers, Debbie Mcgee is the
wife of a crap magician and is largely
notorious for a rumoured photo of her being
brutally buggered by the family dog. She's
also recently set up a modelling agency,
although quite why she's picked such a bunch
of mingers is anybody's guess. Although our
bet is that it's probably a new reality show
or some such malarkey.
http://www.debbiemcgeemodels.com/models.php
>> Dogs in ties <<
It's a B3ta cliché - animals in clothes.
There's probably a marketing agency somewhere
right now going "How can we get into b3ta? We
need animals in clothes and maybe a logo that
looks like a penis." Anyway, here you go -
sartorial stylings for your poochy pal.
Useful, if he has an important job interview
coming up or something.
http://www.dogtie.com/
>> Over the top marketing horse-shit <<
Fuck knows what these guys are trying to
market. But we want some of it. Turn up the
sound.
http://www.xy7.com/livelarge001.htm
>> Cardboard office
Always love these office pranks things. Bloke
at work goes on holiday, comes back to find
everything in his office replaced with a
cardboard replica. Love the childish, scrawled
quality of the stuff. Proving the paperless
office a hollow fiction.
http://www.geekinvasion.com/mikeprank/index.html
>> Rubber band with a moustache <<
We wouldn't even mention this eBay auction if
the moustache in question wasn't quite so
dapper. Why not use it as a cock-ring to
dignify your sex-gherkin.
http://snipurl.com/ebay_laccy_tash
>> "I mummified my rat!" <<
Grim shock site of the week. The more
sensitive of you may want to turn your monitor
to face the wall whilst wanking into your
waste-paper bin to pictures of a rodentine
Mumm-Ra.
http://www.ironcircus.com/mummification1.php
>> Bouncy bouncy flash thing <<
This cute little toy kept us quiet for a few
minutes rebounding the slightly
nervous-looking characters off each other and
the sides of the screen. Then we went back to
playing with our balls.
http://www.deviantart.com/view/36214245/
>> How much is your website worth? <<
Webmasters: find out how much your website is
worth, through some completely bogus back-link
tracking maths thing. But hey, we're happy
because B3ta turned out to be worth more than
all any of our mates' websites. So yay for
that. And if anybody wants to buy b3ta for
£1.5m get in touch.
http://directory.sootle.com/website-worth/tata.php
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Can't think of any pun except YouPube. Sorry
>> Picture every day for 4 years <<
This girl took a photo of herself daily for
four years to document the changes in hr
features. Apparently there was fuck all -
except at one point she got some nicer
glasses, then lost them and had to go back to
the old, clunky ones.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1095_pics_of_one_girl
>> Nob in a tumble dryer <<
We can't condone this, but bloody hell it made
us laugh. Hot on the heels of the 'chavs on a
roundabout' clip and coming on like the Kersal
Massive's younger brothers; little kid gets
himself spun around in a tumbledryer. It's the
youthful enthusiasm and giggling that make
this so good. Or maybe it's just a viral ad
for Zanussi.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Half woman trickery <<
Baffling illusion by US goth magician Criss
Angel. We figure it's all done with midgets,
amputees and stooges. But isn't that
impressive enough?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: READER Q&A
Like Notes & Queries but a bit shit
>> Four by fours? <<
Last week we had a bloke wondering why
four-wheel drive vehicles are known as 4x4s.
Literally hundreds of you wrote in. Here's
David Allen's textbook response: "4x4 is a
term used to denote the number of wheels a
vehicle has and how many supply torque. i.e.
Four wheels and four of them supplying torque
= 4x4. So a Robin Reliant is a 1x3 and a motor
cycle a 1x2. So most cars on the road should
be called 4X2's but people don't bother."
We also enjoyed Dionysian's answer: "4x4
refers to the number of wheels multiplied by
number of brain cells of driver."
This week: -
>> Why did Battersea smell in the 70s? <<
"When I was a young thing I used to go
Battersea Festival Gardens, in the park,"
reminisces greenbadge. "But... the local area
had an eye-watering stench that almost made
you choke. I never knew what it was. Anybody?"
The first answer to come to mind; because it
was full of hippies. Can you do better?
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Hold our sides nurse, we may vomit with laughter
>> Book of the month <<
If you were writing a children's book would
you call it 'Floppy and the Bone?' That's two
penis references in one short title; One
flaccid and one hard. Surely a reference to
homosexualist erectile disfunction, if we've
ever heard one.
http://snipurl.com/homoerotic_kids_book
>> Gay dogs <<
If we had a dog and we fancied booking into a
holiday of a lifetime we'd be booking him into
the 'Gay Dog Boarding Kennels and Cattery'.
Quite why this place is so named is mystery,
it's not even in Brighton.
http://www.gaydog.co.uk/
>> Dick Lovett <<
"I've got some funny name nonsense for you",
exclaims furey, "also, if you flip his logo it
looks a bit like a close up of a bum that some
poo has just dropped out of." Huzzah.
http://www.dicklovett.co.uk/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Bullshit, He-man, BBC, Virgins & Toes
>> Bullshitting your co-workers <<
"I recently worked for a local council, which
has an online 'Marketplace' system where
employees can buy and sell items privately,"
confides Dancing Yak. "One of the ways to
alleviate the soul-crushing tedium that
consumes you in the office is to check the
Marketplace every five minutes." Shame on you
Dancing Yak, you devious shit. You've made up
a completely bullshit auction just to mock the
confusion of his hapless colleagues.
http://snipurl.com/technobabble
>> Bo 'He-man' Rhapsody <<
"I created this animation after a brainwave,"
emotes Emmson. "I noticed that 'Bohemian
Rhapsody' is only one letter away from 'Bo
He-man Rhapsody'." We didn't want to enjoy
this - really. but we just couldn't help
ourselves.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bo_Heman_Rhapsody
>> Shove your license fee <<
For non-UK readers, the license fee is a tax
that every TV owner in the UK has to pay to
fund the BBC. "I hate it," confesses 835rocks,
"for many grown-up and properly thought-out
reasons. So I got razzed on heroins last night
and made this sweary folk protest song thing."
We're not actually that bothered about the
license fee - but we like things that irritate
large corporations. Yay.
http://www.sillyarse.com
>> Divine Comedy video-thingy <<
Divine Comedy - best-known for doing the theme
to Father Ted (and being Chris Evans's
second-favourite band after Ocean Colour
Scene). Now they have a new single out (which
we like) and they ran a competition to make a
video for it. Not just a way of reaching out
to the fans but also saving a bit of cash.
Congratulations to b3tard Fluff and his mate
Steve who not only entered the competition but
bloody won it too. Excellent dancing in pants.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Infected big toe megamix <<
"My big toe got infected," moans Karl. "I went
to the Doctor who prescribed some antibiotics.
Here's a short animation I've done." It's the
guitar solo that makes this great.
http://snipurl.com/big_toe_of_doom
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Transformers Challenge
Last week we wanted to see the Transformers
that never made it to market, and you supplied
the blueprints.
Your favourites included:
* IVOR THE AUTOBOT - If Ivor The Engine were
based in Japan rather than Wales, this is
exactly what it would look like. Wonderful.
(mutated monty)
* TURBOFLUSH - The deeply tragic story of the
most neglected Transformer of all. (Threepwood)
* GYPSYTRON'S CARAVAN - You should never trust
a pikey mechanic to work on your Transfomer.
Fact. (Degenerate)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/transformers/
>> New challenge: The Nanny State <<
Don't drink and drive. Don't go off with
strangers. Don't play football on railway
lines. The Government seems determined to make
our lives less fun... but where will they
stop? Show us the excesses of the Nanny State
of the future. Challenge suggested by
Trinosaur.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/nanny_state/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow ups and random bollocks as usual
* GAY SAUSAGE - when we link the newsletter
from our blog we often write quite nonsense.
Last week we claimed, ...featuring a small gay
sausage called Henry. WARNING: May not contain
gay sausage." Biro artist extraordinaire
NobbyNobody rose the the non-existent
challenge and writes, "I thought I'd create
Henry so people wouldn't be disappointed again
next time." Close, but this is clearly a
drawing of a BIG gay sausage.
http://www.biro-art.com/gaysausage.html
* T-SHIRT COMPO WINNERS - we recently gave
away some shirts to the following people,
Cathleen Kelly - New York, Rob Bolt -
cheshire, Ben Tymens - Camblesforth, Nicholas
Allison - Leeds, Edward Walsh - UK and Marven
Kortemeier - Las Vegas. Thanks to the lovely
people (and skinny fashion shirts) at Chateau
Roux for bribing us with a couple of bottles
of Jack Daniels to sort this out.
http://www.chateauroux.co.uk
* FUHRER RADIO - keen BBC listeners might spot
your red-haired umlauts occasional appearances
on Phill Jupitus's breakfast show, wittering
about gadgets. In the interests of sharing
he's written up last weeks show with animated
gifs and an MP3 extract. You lucky, lucky
people.
http://www.snurl.com/pjupitus
* KITTEN WAR ON TV - sadly Tomsk and Fraser
haven't sold the TV rights just yet, but this
big-up on an American satirical show could be
the start of something huge. BTW: Their book
is still in the works, Fraser tells us that he
handed in a first draft last week.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kittenwar_on_The_Colbert...
* RAPE FISH - in reference to some funny name
corner crap we ran last week, Sandrastica
informs, "You have Spanish readers! Rape means
angler fish. I'm sorry to disappoint you."
Yay. How fantastic.
* ALPHABET SWEARS - we asked you to think of
the rudest phrase you could using all 26
letters of the alphabet. Beardedquiche boasts,
"I set about this using scrabble tiles, and
oddly enough, as my Mum was in the room she
decided to join in. It was a rather surreal
experience listening to my Mother moving round
letters and muttering things like 'where can
we put quim, and occasionally giggling like a
school girl. Anyhow, the point is, we managed
to come up with two phrases using 22 letters.
These were, 'Strangled whimpy fuckbox' and
'frumpy gloved bitch wanks', also only 17
letters but my personal favourite which I
thought worthy of mention: 'Gay bum sex with
Rolf'."
Others included
"Pork jism wad flung by vetch" (23 letters, Boff)
"Fry quick, lewd spaz-mong!" (20 letters, *not
logged in*)
* UNLIKELY ENQUIRY OF THE WEEK - "I am
producing a documentary for BBC 3 about Cleft
Palates," mumbles Steve Saul, "It is my hope
to contact as many people as possible who
either have a cleft lip and/or palate as
possible. Can b3ta help?" Er.. ok then. If
you've got a hair-lip and fancy going on telly
then send an email to [email protected] -
blimey and gosh.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Game for mentalists
It's Dance Dance Revolution meets Tempests and
it's so fast as to completely do our heads in.
http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/SpinItUp.php
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PANT CHALLENGE - photos of you wearing every
single pair of underwear you own all at the
same time. We reckon due to the laws of
physicals more than eight is impossible.
* NASAL CHALLENGE - we can fit two fingers up
each nostril, making a total of four fingers
in our nose. Can you beat us?
* QUESTIONS - listen up cyber-fruits, we're
mucking about with a new section. Last week we
set a question (over 1 hundred of you replied)
and we also asked for your questions (only 1
of your replied.) We do really want your
questions, stuff that Wikipedia can't answer
etc.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Weetobix,
Canyousmellonions?, hahn, Sarita, will, fish,
beakerajg, Fred Trellis, phil, paul
mortonvilla, Andy and Dixon_Bawls. Top Tippery
by via the magic of Google. Please send in
more tips kids. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. B4ta is more useful than you'd
ever know.
(109789)
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TOP TIP:
Too much salt in your casserole? Peel a
potato, cut into chunks and simmer. Remove the
potato when soft, it should have absorbed a
lot of the salt.
