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This Week:
* VIDEO - Bo 'He-man' Rhapsody 
* WEEBL - Frosties ad remix
* INTERVIEW - Maddox / Best Page in the Universe

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 241 - 11 Aug 2006

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  TOP GUN - Maverick, Goose or Iceman?
  OK, so we all love the legendary homo-erotic
  movie that is Top Gun.So why not show your
  love for the best film of the 80s with one of
  our exclusive official Top Gun tees. Big gay
  love to The Boy Fitz Hammond for the great

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then tempt us with offers of cash.


  Interview, Frosties, Planes & Noel Edmonds

  >> Maddox interview <<
  Maddox has been rocking the web since '97 with
  his unique brand of arrogance and cynicism on
  his self-styled 'The Best Page in the
  Universe'. He's recently broken out of the net
  ghetto to produce an actual book, so we
  thought it was high time to catch up and ask
  him the completely irrelevant questions that a
  proper publication wouldn't bother with. Read
  it - the man is funny with the word stuff.

  >> Frosties ad remix <<
  Weebl jumps on the Frostie-haters bandwagon
  with this short but sweet re-edit of the
  horrifically monotonous advert and some CGI

  >> Dive-bomb your office <<
  Great idea: using satellite photography, caz's
  site lets you fly a small plane over your
  native city. When you find your office you can
  shoot it or fly into the side of the building.
  We'd love it more if it had big bombs too,
  multiplayer option so you could dogfight with
  other players and an autopilot option that let
  you set a course by typing in a postcode. But
  still, excellent stuff. BTW: Someone give this
  guy a job, he's looking for one.

  >> Your new wallpaper <<
  "Erm, a mate gave me this poster," laments
  hotwhippets. "But I don't want it." Why ever
  not? We've now set it as the official b3ta
  wallpaper; a splendid montage of TV presenter
  par excellence Noel Edmonds in a variety of
  poses and costumes from his heyday as the
  golden, bearded boy of BBC1. Whether he's
  advertising cigarettes, driving a powerboat or
  nursing a sick calf with milk from his
  lactating fingertips, Noel remains a visual
  feast. If you could literally eat with your
  eyes, your irises would become unpleasantly


  Snakes on a plane - now officially uncool

  Jesus-shitting-Christ we're fed up with the
  pre-promotion of this film: 

  * Idiots impersonating Samuel L. Jackson in the
  pub, "Snakes on a plane mouthafukka!"
  * Endless messageboard threads thinking of
  sequels, "Spiders on a submarine!"
  * A trailer on YouTube that isn't as exciting
  as imagining the movie in your head.

  All the marketing has peaked too early and we
  hope we're the first to point out the film has
  jumped a big snakey shark.


  Encounters of Royalty

  We wanted your best royalty stories, thinking
  we wouldn't get that many, but what we got
  would be tabloid gold. To our surprise,
  there's loads of fabulous royal stories and
  not one tapped phone in sight:

  * Nearly 'shot' one of the buggers
    "I don't recommend doing this. Prince
    Phillip was visiting the building next to us
    on our Sheffield 'business park'. Our top
    floor had a cracking view of next door's
    reception. We had darkened windows (from the
    outside, can't see in) and I had a
    reasonably well powered laser pointer.
    Seriously, it's funny for about a second to
    try and 'draw' squiggly lines on the Queen's
    Husband's Forehead. Watching every single
    plain clothes copper in the crowd and
    surrounding area go fucking mental was a
    sight to behold. And the secret service. And
    the police. And the mayor. Philip, oblivious
    of course. My heart rate must have hit 4
    figures until i disposed of the laser
    pointer, got to my desk and played it very
    very cool while the secret service came and
    spoke everyone in the building. I even
    managed to look annoyed at their presence."
    (I have run out of coke)
  * Never curtsey in fishing waders
    "Many, many moons ago, my Great Aunt was
    fly- fishing in a patch of river up in the
    highlands of Scotland. The side of the river
    she was fishing on was owned by some local
    laird, and on the other side was Balmoral
    Castle. It was late August, and it was
    fairly normal to see the occasional pair of
    Royals out on horseback on the other side of
    the river. According to the locals, the
    great rule was that unless they acknowledge
    your presence first, you ignored them
    entirely. Great Aunt was in a fairly deep
    patch of the river, and therefore in waders,
    happily fishing away. Suddenly on the other
    side of the river she sees the Queen Mum,
    walking along the river bank. The Queen Mum
    gives my Great Aunt a nod and so she, in her
    excitement, curtsies. In her fishing waders.
    In four and a half feet of water. Cue the
    waders rapidly filling with water, Great
    Aunt shrieking from the cold, and the Queen
    Mother absolutely wetting herself with
    laughter. Family legend." (hakkety)
  * Prince William stole my job
    "I had just finished a Masters course and
    was desperate to get work experience on a
    research project called Shoals of Capricorn,
    based somewhere idyllic in the Indian Ocean.
    They were studying marine plankton ecology
    out there, and I had just received a
    distinction for my 6-month MSc project all
    about marine plankton ecology. My MSc group
    was a small one, so I have little
    reservation in saying I was probably the
    best qualified graduate in the country for
    the position. I am also a qualified SCUBA
    diver. They turned me away, saying they
    wanted 'someone better qualified.' Imagine
    my surprise when, 4-weeks later, an 18-year
    old Prince William got the position as part
    of his Gap Year. He was the perfect
    candidate - the Sun newspaper told me -
    'because of his A-level geography
    qualification.' But I'm not bitter. No,
    wait! Yes I am." (daytripper)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your stories of running away. Have you
  bottled it recently or as a kid?. Talk to us here:



  The other day we jokingly called the official
  b3ta dad a schmuck. He was bewildered, never
  having heard it before and asked what it
  meant. We had to google it - it literally
  means 'foreskin', which is an excellent and
  underused insult. We're going to be calling
  lots more people foreskins now. What new
  insults are you using in your neck of the
  hood? Share them with us, web-mongs.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Debbie Mcgee <<
  To our non-UK readers, Debbie Mcgee is the
  wife of a crap magician and is largely
  notorious for a rumoured photo of her being
  brutally buggered by the family dog. She's
  also recently set up a modelling agency,
  although quite why she's picked such a bunch
  of mingers is anybody's guess. Although our
  bet is that it's probably a new reality show
  or some such malarkey.

  >> Dogs in ties <<
  It's a B3ta cliché - animals in clothes.
  There's probably a marketing agency somewhere
  right now going "How can we get into b3ta? We
  need animals in clothes and maybe a logo that
  looks like a penis." Anyway, here you go -
  sartorial stylings for your poochy pal.
  Useful, if he has an important job interview
  coming up or something. 

  >> Over the top marketing horse-shit <<
  Fuck knows what these guys are trying to
  market. But we want some of it. Turn up the

  >> Cardboard office
  Always love these office pranks things. Bloke
  at work goes on holiday, comes back to find
  everything in his office replaced with a
  cardboard replica. Love the childish, scrawled
  quality of the stuff. Proving the paperless
  office a hollow fiction.

  >> Rubber band with a moustache <<
  We wouldn't even mention this eBay auction if
  the moustache in question wasn't quite so
  dapper. Why not use it as a cock-ring to
  dignify your sex-gherkin.

  >> "I mummified my rat!" <<
  Grim shock site of the week. The more
  sensitive of you may want to turn your monitor
  to face the wall whilst wanking into your
  waste-paper bin to pictures of a rodentine

  >> Bouncy bouncy flash thing <<
  This cute little toy kept us quiet for a few
  minutes rebounding the slightly
  nervous-looking characters off each other and
  the sides of the screen. Then we went back to
  playing with our balls.

  >> How much is your website worth? <<
  Webmasters: find out how much your website is
  worth, through some completely bogus back-link
  tracking maths thing. But hey, we're happy
  because B3ta turned out to be worth more than
  all any of our mates' websites. So yay for
  that. And if anybody wants to buy b3ta for
  £1.5m get in touch.


  Can't think of any pun except YouPube. Sorry

  >> Picture every day for 4 years <<
  This girl took a photo of herself daily for
  four years to document the changes in hr
  features. Apparently there was fuck all -
  except at one point she got some nicer
  glasses, then lost them and had to go back to
  the old, clunky ones. 

  >> Nob in a tumble dryer <<
  We can't condone this, but bloody hell it made
  us laugh. Hot on the heels of the 'chavs on a
  roundabout' clip and coming on like the Kersal
  Massive's younger brothers; little kid gets
  himself spun around in a tumbledryer. It's the
  youthful enthusiasm and giggling that make
  this so good. Or maybe it's just a viral ad
  for Zanussi.

  >> Half woman trickery <<
  Baffling illusion by US goth magician Criss
  Angel. We figure it's all done with midgets,
  amputees and stooges. But isn't that
  impressive enough?


  Like Notes & Queries but a bit shit

  >> Four by fours? <<
  Last week we had a bloke wondering why
  four-wheel drive vehicles are known as 4x4s.
  Literally hundreds of you wrote in. Here's
  David Allen's textbook response:  "4x4 is a
  term used to denote the number of wheels a
  vehicle has and how many supply torque. i.e.
  Four wheels and four of them supplying torque
  = 4x4. So a Robin Reliant is a 1x3 and a motor
  cycle a 1x2. So most cars on the road should
  be called 4X2's but people don't bother."

  We also enjoyed Dionysian's answer: "4x4
  refers to the number of wheels multiplied by
  number of brain cells of driver."

  This week: -

  >> Why did Battersea smell in the 70s? <<
  "When I was a young thing I used to go
  Battersea Festival Gardens, in the park,"
  reminisces greenbadge. "But... the local area
  had an eye-watering stench that almost made
  you choke. I never knew what it was. Anybody?"
  The first answer to come to mind; because it
  was full of hippies. Can you do better?


  Hold our sides nurse, we may vomit with laughter

  >> Book of the month <<
  If you were writing a children's book would
  you call it 'Floppy and the Bone?' That's two
  penis references in one short title; One
  flaccid and one hard. Surely a reference to
  homosexualist erectile disfunction, if we've
  ever heard one.

  >> Gay dogs <<
  If we had a dog and we fancied booking into a
  holiday of a lifetime we'd be booking him into
  the 'Gay Dog Boarding Kennels and Cattery'.
  Quite why this place is so named is mystery,
  it's not even in Brighton.

  >> Dick Lovett <<
  "I've got some funny name nonsense for you",
  exclaims furey, "also, if you flip his logo it
  looks a bit like a close up of a bum that some
  poo has just dropped out of." Huzzah.


  Bullshit, He-man, BBC, Virgins & Toes

  >> Bullshitting your co-workers <<
  "I recently worked for a local council, which
  has an online 'Marketplace' system where
  employees can buy and sell items privately,"
  confides Dancing Yak. "One of the ways to
  alleviate the soul-crushing tedium that
  consumes you in the office is to check the
  Marketplace every five minutes." Shame on you
  Dancing Yak, you devious shit. You've made up
  a completely bullshit auction just to mock the
  confusion of his hapless colleagues. 

  >> Bo 'He-man' Rhapsody <<
  "I created this animation after a brainwave,"
  emotes Emmson. "I noticed that 'Bohemian
  Rhapsody' is only one letter away from 'Bo
  He-man Rhapsody'." We didn't want to enjoy
  this - really. but we just couldn't help

  >> Shove your license fee <<
  For non-UK readers, the license fee is a tax
  that every TV owner in the UK has to pay to
  fund the BBC. "I hate it," confesses 835rocks,
  "for many grown-up and properly thought-out
  reasons. So I got razzed on heroins last night
  and made this sweary folk protest song thing."
  We're not actually that bothered about the
  license fee - but we like things that irritate
  large corporations. Yay. 

  >> Divine Comedy video-thingy <<
  Divine Comedy - best-known for doing the theme
  to Father Ted (and being Chris Evans's
  second-favourite band after Ocean Colour
  Scene). Now they have a new single out (which
  we like) and they ran a competition to make a
  video for it. Not just a way of reaching out
  to the fans but also saving a bit of cash.
  Congratulations to b3tard Fluff and his mate
  Steve who not only entered the competition but
  bloody won it too. Excellent dancing in pants.

  >> Infected big toe megamix <<
  "My big toe got infected," moans Karl. "I went
  to the Doctor who prescribed some antibiotics.
  Here's a short animation I've done." It's the
  guitar solo that makes this great.


  Results from the Transformers Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see the Transformers
  that never made it to market, and you supplied
  the blueprints.
  Your favourites included:
  * IVOR THE AUTOBOT - If Ivor The Engine were
  based in Japan rather than Wales, this is
  exactly what it would look like. Wonderful.
  (mutated monty)

  * TURBOFLUSH - The deeply tragic story of the
  most neglected Transformer of all. (Threepwood)

  * GYPSYTRON'S CARAVAN - You should never trust
  a pikey mechanic to work on your Transfomer.
  Fact. (Degenerate)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: The Nanny State <<
  Don't drink and drive. Don't go off with
  strangers. Don't play football on railway
  lines. The Government seems determined to make
  our lives less fun... but where will they
  stop? Show us the excesses of the Nanny State
  of the future. Challenge suggested by

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 


  Follow ups and random bollocks as usual

  * GAY SAUSAGE - when we link the newsletter
  from our blog we often write quite nonsense.
  Last week we claimed, ...featuring a small gay
  sausage called Henry. WARNING: May not contain
  gay sausage." Biro artist extraordinaire
  NobbyNobody rose the the non-existent
  challenge and writes, "I thought I'd create
  Henry so people wouldn't be disappointed again
  next time." Close, but this is clearly a
  drawing of a BIG gay sausage.

  * T-SHIRT COMPO WINNERS - we recently gave
  away some shirts to the following people,
  Cathleen Kelly - New York, Rob Bolt -
  cheshire, Ben Tymens - Camblesforth, Nicholas
  Allison - Leeds, Edward Walsh - UK and Marven
  Kortemeier - Las Vegas. Thanks to the lovely
  people (and skinny fashion shirts) at Chateau
  Roux for bribing us with a couple of bottles
  of Jack Daniels to sort this out.

  * FUHRER RADIO - keen BBC listeners might spot
  your red-haired umlauts occasional appearances
  on Phill Jupitus's breakfast show, wittering
  about gadgets. In the interests of sharing
  he's written up last weeks show with animated
  gifs and an MP3 extract. You lucky, lucky

  * KITTEN WAR ON TV - sadly Tomsk and Fraser
  haven't sold the TV rights just yet, but this
  big-up on an American satirical show could be
  the start of something huge. BTW: Their book
  is still in the works, Fraser tells us that he
  handed in a first draft last week.

  * RAPE FISH - in reference to some funny name
  corner crap we ran last week, Sandrastica
  informs, "You have Spanish readers! Rape means
  angler fish. I'm sorry to disappoint you."
  Yay. How fantastic.

  * ALPHABET SWEARS - we asked you to think of
  the rudest phrase you could using all 26
  letters of the alphabet. Beardedquiche boasts,
  "I set about this using scrabble tiles, and
  oddly enough, as my Mum was in the room she
  decided to join in. It was a rather surreal
  experience listening to my Mother moving round
  letters and muttering things like 'where can
  we put quim, and occasionally giggling like a
  school girl. Anyhow, the point is, we managed
  to come up with two phrases using 22 letters.
  These were, 'Strangled whimpy fuckbox' and
  'frumpy gloved bitch wanks', also only 17
  letters but my personal favourite which I
  thought worthy of mention: 'Gay bum sex with

  Others included
  "Pork jism wad flung by vetch" (23 letters, Boff)
  "Fry quick, lewd spaz-mong!" (20 letters, *not
  logged in*)

  producing a documentary for BBC 3 about Cleft
  Palates," mumbles Steve Saul, "It is my hope
  to contact as many people as possible who
  either have a cleft lip and/or palate as
  possible. Can b3ta help?" Er.. ok then. If
  you've got a hair-lip and fancy going on telly
  then send an email to [email protected] -
  blimey and gosh. 


  Game for mentalists

  It's Dance Dance Revolution meets Tempests and
  it's so fast as to completely do our heads in.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PANT CHALLENGE - photos of you wearing every
  single pair of underwear you own all at the
  same time. We reckon due to the laws of
  physicals more than eight is impossible.

  * NASAL CHALLENGE - we can fit two fingers up
  each nostril, making a total of four fingers
  in our nose. Can you beat us?

  * QUESTIONS - listen up cyber-fruits, we're
  mucking about with a new section. Last week we
  set a question (over 1 hundred of you replied)
  and we also asked for your questions (only 1
  of your replied.) We do really want your
  questions, stuff that Wikipedia can't answer

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Weetobix,
  Canyousmellonions?, hahn, Sarita, will, fish,
  beakerajg, Fred Trellis, phil, paul
  mortonvilla, Andy and Dixon_Bawls. Top Tippery
  by via the magic of Google. Please send in
  more tips kids. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. B4ta is more useful than you'd
  ever know.

  Too much salt in your casserole? Peel a
  potato, cut into chunks and simmer. Remove the
  potato when soft,  it should have absorbed a
  lot of the salt.

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