NEWSLETTER: "YOUR OFFICIAL ANTI-SNAKESPLOITATION NEWSLETTER"
This Week:
* PANTS - Bloke wears 43 pairs for B3ta
* NOEL EDMUNDS - Mong noise remix ahoy
* RECORD STORE CATS - The 'official' site
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "In beta before it
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| was fashionable"
B3ta email 242 - 18 Aug 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue242/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Very nice things for very nice people
"There are four of us at Toke. Two boys, a lady
and a cat called 'Dirty Steve'. He's an
ex-porn cat who used to live in L.A. Steve got
caught up in that stuff in the 90's. Cat on
cat, cat on dog, cat on deer, cat on horse. We
got him out of porn industry and into business
management. He now runs Toke Industries. The
other three of us just sit around all day,
getting red-eyed and making nice t-shirts."
http://www.tokeworld.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? You know you do, if it's good
enough for some pot-heads selling t-shirts then
it's good enough for you.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Rolf Harris, Noel Edmonds & Record Store cats
>> Rolf Harris, King of Wankers <<
"I recently got the 'Definitive Rolf Harris'
album and it was worth the download",
recommends Fantastical monkey, "and this is
the result of listening to it." He also claims
it's got a great ending, but we laughed so
much at the intro we never got that far.
http://www.fantasticalmonkey.co.uk/Rolf/rolf.html
>> Edmonds Spaz remix <<
Keen B3tards (not B3tans you jizztards) will
remember the clip of the bearded TV gnome Noel
Edmonds making 'spaz noises' on his hit show
Deal or No Deal. Thanks to Mutated Monty for
this deeply disturbing remix.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/edmonds_spaz_remix
>> Record store cats <<
C_kick is a blokey on our board who has spent
the last few months photoshopping cats
enjoying their favourite tunes. They've been
turning up in emails, been synced to videos on
YouTube and the other day we got an email from
a mobile phone company asking for the rights
to flog them. We forwarded the note and we got
the reply, "Another proposal.. ha ha. That
would be the tenth.. I'm currently finishing
up a deal with biggest fish out there."
Anyway, if you haven't caught them yet, you
are in for a small but perfectly formed treat:
http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/rsc/
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you if you'd ever run away.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/runningaway/
* I RAN AWAY BY ACCIDENT
"I was living in Newcastle when I got a call
from a mate who lived in Manchester inviting
me to a party so I packed my rucksack and
hitched down too Mancland. I intended to stay
for the weekend but got involved in an
endless round of drinking, womanising and
endless debauchery and somehow two years
passed without me calling home or letting
anyone know where I was. Eventually I decided
that enough was enough and headed home to see
my folks. On arriving back in Newcastle I put
my key in the door and walked into.....A
houseful of strangers. Bloody parents had
moved. (Legless)
* MYSTERY HAMSTER
"Roger, my pet hamster once ran away. I'd
had him for about 2 years when one morning I
woke up to find his cage was empty. My
parents told me not to worry and that he'd
be back shortly. They were right, he
returned a couple of days later. He must
have one hell of a 'running away' story to
tell though, cos when he returned not only
had he shrunk, but he was also a different
colour." (Lt Columbo)
* SCHOOL BREAKOUT
"We had a thing at our school called
Breakout. This was a yearly which was
thoroughly encouraged by parents and staff
alike and involved small groups (4-5 people)
of students seeing how far away they could
get from the school in 24 hours without
spending any money i.e. hitch-hiking,
begging etc. One year, the three finalists
were as follows; in third place a group of
kids got to Bath, in second 3 of the people
in my year got to Bologne but the winners, 4
girls from the upper sixth somehow managed
to get to St Petersburg (yes, in Russia).
Not a bad effort. They managed to sweet talk
their way as part of a courier ticket, i
think. Can't imagine anything like this ever
being allowed nowadays." (Fray Brentos)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you know if anyone thinks you're a
pervert. The winning results will be sent
straight to the News Of The World. Talk to us
here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/i_am_a_sex_offender/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> The riddle of China's area 51 <<
Nice overview here of the a conspiracy theory
that's been hot on the web over the last few
weeks. In short, a chap found an odd image via
Google Maps and all sorts of other people have
been debating what the truth could be.
http://snipurl.com/uyyw
>> AOL search terms <<
AOL recently made a bid for web cool: they
released a fuck-load of data on what user have
typed into search engines. Many commentators
called it an invasion of privacy, and AOL
abandoned the project. This didn't stop
several sites hosting the data for their - and
your - amusement.
http://www.splunkd.com/
>> 1930s London in colour <<
Book publishers! Here's an idea for you.
Remember the TV series, "World War II in
Colour?" Do the same for major cities round
the world. It'll fly of the shelves like shit
off a catapult. Linky goes to a lovely colour
picture of Piccadilly Circus.
http://snipurl.com/PiccadillyCircus1930
>> KKK Pyjamas <<
Mums! Are you a God bothering-racist? Here's
just the thing to dress up the junior
master-race for bed time. Aaww.
http://www.armorofgodpjs.com/
>> Snakes on a Plane redux <<
Last week we controversially claimed that this
Samuel L Jackson snakesploitation flick film
had "jumped a big snakey shark", basically we
were just moaning that we were bored of the
pre-publicity . Anyway CactusBrain wrote in to
say, "Esquire got there first. Either way, I
totally agree with you guys, and the Esquire
feature itself is a very good representation
of the internet as a whole." He's right, it's
a great read. Although it doesn't mention our
pet theory that the film came from focus
grouping common fears. "So 50% of people are
afraid of snakes are they? And the other 50%
are afraid of flying? Hmmm, if we combine the
two then we'll double the box office."
http://snipurl.com/snakesploitation
>> Big-cocked stick-men<<
This is funny, rude and short. Insert your
own joke here. (We tried "As if Danny Devito
was re-incarnated as an animated gif" but
couldn't really make it work.)
http://snipurl.com/rudegif
>> BBC nonsense <<
We always like linking to BBC pages which, if
they were on any other website, we would
hardly glance at. But by bringing the weight
of the BBC to them, it adds an officialdom
which amuses us. Read on 'the five stages of
drunkenness', as the BBC claim, if you drink
enough you turn invisible. Cool.
http://snipurl.com/bbcdrunks
>> Melting ice-cream <<
We normally write this newsletter with our
friend Dave, but didn't turn up last night and
isn't answering his phone. We were just about
to stick in a line saying, "maybe he's fallen
under a bus or developed speed-AIDS" and then
felt guilty that it might be true. Anyway, the
point is, we often try and stick an arty link
in to keep Dave happy. So here it is. (And
Dave, hope you get well soon.)
http://www.meredithallen.com/work/gallery/12
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
We adore the Dormouse
Mr. Tea writes - "Apologies if 'things that
makes you go aahh is a bit old hat these days,
but I saw this dormouse on the Beeb web-site
and simply couldn't resist. I mean, just LOOK
at the little fucker!" Indeed. It's only a
small picture but it did melt our black hearts.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/devon/4791723.s...
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Spunk drinking monkey <<
"Has this done the rounds already?" enquires
Mystery Bob, "It made me laugh and wretch in
equal amounts."
http://www.twohundredpercent.co.uk/yum.mov
>> Bump keys <<
Time to get paranoid: your house-locks are
worthless and anyone with a 'bump key' can
enter in under 30 seconds. We suggest sleeping
with an axe on your pillow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: READERS Q&A
Like Notes & Queries but a bit shit
>> Stinky Battersea <<
Last we we asked why did Battersea smell in
the 1970s? The most convincing answer came
from djcheesemaster who wrote, "it was because
of Prices candle factory on the York Road. I
had the misfortune to live on a direct line
between that and Young's brewery, so if we
didn't get the stench of rendered cattle, it
was the stink of fermenting hops."
This week: -
>> The French? <<
Douglasbrown asks, "How do French people
choose the gender of newly invented stuff?"
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: CREATIVE SWEARING
Neolojizm, if you will.
We asked you for some of your favourite
swears. You replied in fucking droves.
FENT - "the smell that occurs when old people
have anal sex. Its 100% true. My mate says
so!" (majoringram)
HOODIE - "New family friendly term for
foreskin. Blame it on the kids."
(kirton_chris)
DUDE - "Arabic for 'camel's scrotum'. I use
it all the time." (Anthony Sennett)
SMIT - "Local chavs have come up with a new
word for people with ginger hair."
(anticrazyfrog)
SAVILE ROW - "Old man spunk. A Sir Jimmy
Savile related expletive." (Bennett Scott)
And finally props to Charlie Hammerton who
notes, "Frank Zappa's favourite curse was 'may
your turds come to life and try to kiss you'"
and he also claims that "Brad Pitt means wide
cock in Swedish." Result!
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Three links that make us want to commit suicide
>> Dick Bellringer <<
"The journalist who wrote this story is worth
a mention", quacks Iridium.
http://snipurl.com/DickBellringer
>> 22 Coxon Parade <<
"Anyone who, like me, finds immense pleasure
in discovering funny street names can give up
now", challenges Stuart Colebrook
http://snipurl.com/CoxonParade
>> Jizz fashion <<
"Walking around a shopping centre in Sydney",
screams Lucy Doll, "when my boyfriend pointed
out an interesting fashion store. I hope not
all their clothes are dry clean only."
http://www.lucy-doll.com/lucy/100_3636.JPG
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Nanny State Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to predict the
excesses of the Nanny State of the future.
Your favourites included:
* GRANDMA NATION - Possibly the most literal
entry to a B3ta challenge ever, and all the
better for it. Plus it's dead political, like.
(Damocles)
* EBAY BREATHALISER - Less of an invasion of
privacy than a spectacularly useful piece of
shopping software. (shavedchimp)
* OUTLOOK FILTER - One day all e-mail
programmes will be designed like this.
(shavedchimp again)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/nanny_state/
>> New challenge: Celebrity Autobiographies <<
Ex-Take That member Gary Barlow's
autobiography is called 'My Take'. Ho ho. Pick
your favourite (or most hated) celeb and think
of an amusingly relevant title for their book.
Then design the cover.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_autobiogra...
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. Go on, rock our world.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PANTS CHALLENGE - in an explosion of whimsey
we asked you how much underwear could you
simultaneously wear?
WINNER. Nick the Greek made a great little
video. "I know I look red and sweaty but you'd
be the same after putting on 43 pairs of
pants."
http://b3ta.com/links/Pants_challenge
BOOBIE PRIZE. Tormentedpuffin squawks, "Since
I am a lady, I tried it with bras instead. I
managed to get all of my thirteen bras on, at
once. It was fucking uncomfortable and my ribs
are still hurting."
http://snipurl.com/lookatmybras
* WOOYAY AUCTION. 300 quid was raised the
charity St Francis Hospice. Fucking amazing
really. Who the hell would want that domain
anyway?
http://snipurl.com/wooyayebayauction
* FLOPPY AND THE BONE - Daryl Stewart
confesses, "I work at Oxford University
Press's distribution warehouse in my
shitty home town, and we stock all of the
books! Anyway here's a picture of the main kid
in the book pretending to be the
dog...apparently." Heh.
http://f10.putfile.com/main/8/22211105289.jpg
* TOP TIP ERRATA - Rachel Sugarcat mews, "the
top tip in last week's newsletter is a load of
bollocks. Potatoes don't absorb the salt in a
soup. If you over-salt your soup, your best
bet is to add more water and other ingredients
to dilute it. Or just feed it to someone you
don't like who has high blood pressure."
* NOSTRIL CHALLENGE - Crooked smirks, "Four
fingers up your nose? I can do better. 92p per
nostril."
http://snipurl.com/lookatmyfuckingnose
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
>> Jimmy Savile song <<
'Jimmy Jangle' is a new track from Braaayks
Unskippable. Your Ginger Furher and Veitch
reckoned it needed a quick and shoddy video so
dashed this out for your viewing pleasure.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jimmy_Jangle
>> Tesco War <<
Remember that Alex Mallinson bloke? Nope? He
did the dancing 2CV thing that even your dad
emailed you last year. Ben Wheatley, no fool
he, has joined forces with the talented 3D
animator to raise the production values of his
own projects. This is the result. BTW: This
will also be broadcast as part of the BBC show
'Time Crumpet' featuring Nicholas Lyndhurst
fucking his own grandmother, becoming his own
Granddad and causing a time paradox, "There's
spunk in the space time continuum, and we need
to reverse the polarity of my testicles!" Gah,
we're making this up to make Ben feel
paranoid, but enjoy the clip, for it is very
good.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tesco_War
>> Doctor Who skit <<
Dr.A has worked out how to do Dalek voices and
re-dubbed this Doctor Who clip with a script
about call centres. Funny. No, really.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/One_day_at_Torchwood
>> Perv catcher <<
"Hi", cybers Gary, "I've just made a new site
all about catching pervs. Thought that it may
give you a few laughs." Heh, we're not sure
who the pervert is here. The people who Gary
catches with his "I'm a 12 year old girl
schtick" or Gary himself. Gary, admit it, you
wish you were a little girl getting unlawful
attention from older blokes. (We know we do.)
http://www.catchaperv.com
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TOE NAIL CHAIN MAIL - get all your mates to
give you their toenail clippings and knit them
together.
* FUCKOFFIMNOTJOININGYOURSOCIALNETWORK.COM -
it really needs to be said, but we can't
actually we arsed to sort it out ourselves. My
god! How many of these fucking sites are their
now?
* TONGUE STICKING OUT COMPO - We can only keep
our tongue outside our mouth for about 30
seconds before giving in. Can you beat us?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel. David
Stevenson is unwell. Stuff sent in by hahn,
jen, ben_dadds, and raerth. Top Tippery by
sosumi. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is normally QOTW
bloke but he's off this week having babies
(Yay to the new arrival.) Yay to b4ta. (For it
is they who rule the world.)
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Baby wipes are great for cleaning paint and/or
stain off of your skin, plus they smell nicer
than turpentine or gasoline.
