NEWSLETTER: "ARE YOU A 'BIF' OR A 'TARDIS'?"
This Week:
* PONG - Updated for the 21st century, finally
* NUTTERS - Kate Bush's maddest fan
* QUESTION - Are you a sex offender?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web... together,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| but not in a gay way"
B3ta email 243 - 25 AUG 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue243/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want people looking at your site? Talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Pong remix, Monkey sex & Shopping trolley art
>> Mind bending Pong <<
Hot news Pong fans! After 30 years of
development finally a new gameplay element has
come to your favourite game. Four paddles! All
controlled by you! Thanks to Steff Luczyn for
this surprisingly tricky 2 minutes of fun. BTW:
He reckons the top score is 50 - can you beat
it? Whilst wearing nine pairs of pants and
eating a juicy peach?
http://h4sh.com/paddlepower
* Dirty monkey (now with sound) <<
Last week we featured a video of a
particularly dirty pair of sex monkeys. For
reasons perhaps best left unexplored,
Cupboardy has added a soundtrack. It's now
vastly better though - like something from the
private collection of Johnny Morris.
http://b3ta.com/links/monkey_video_with_sound
>> Shopping trolley art <<
A few years back we linked to Ptolemy's
gallery of hubcap creations. Little did we
expect that he'd turn up on our doorstep the
next week with a dirty great hubcap fish
which has been puzzling visitors to B3ta HQ
ever since. Good as it is, we hope he doesn't
do the same with his latest stuff, as it's
made from shopping trolleys and about seven
foot tall. Extraordinarily good.
http://www.canadiancontent.net/forums/about16914.h...
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: CREATIVE SWEARS
New ways to insult people
TARDIS - "Like the real Tardis, there's more
empty space in some peoples heads than the
impression gives. E.g. "You'll have your own
eye out, you fucking tardis." (area404)
BIF - "Short for bifida, as in spina bifida."
(nik_wood28)
SPILLAGE IDIOT "Someone who knocks over drinks
in country pubs." (expf)
What are they saying in your neck of the hood?
Jizz-obsessed lexicographers are waiting for
your email.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Wry Venn diagrams <<
Guardian! Looking for a whimsical filler for
your increasingly bloated rag? Take a look at
this excellent blog, summing up philosophical
insights in graph format.
http://indexed.blogspot.com/
>> Kate Bush's nuttiest fan <<
Now your average Kate Bush fan might just jack
off to the pictures of her age 17 in a leotard
where you could see her prominent nipples. But
this chap goes just one stage further. In her
song Pi, on the album Aerial, Kate recites the
number pi to a large number of decimal places.
According to his increasingly tortuous chain
of reasoning, this song contains endless
levels of hidden meaning. And he's happy to
change the evidence to fit his theories.
http://www.luttrell.org.uk/pi/stresses_1.htm
>> Whatever happened to Matrix guy Larry? <<
The story's been floating around for a little
while, but we were fascinated to learn that
Matrix co-creator Larry Wachowski is now
calling himself "Linda", possibly taking
female hormones and living with a dominatrix.
Blimey. Google for "Linda Wachowski" if you
want to see some pics of his hot new look.
http://snipurl.com/the_mystery_of_larry
>> Hypno Arse <<
This page is entitled 'How to Hypnotise a Man'
and Christ they're on the money. We've spunked
all our cash into their Paypal accounts now.
http://vili.us/hypno.html
>> Vintage drug ads <<
Not, as you might expect, anti-drug campaigns
but stuff put out by pharmaceutical companies
back in the day, sometimes to push stuff with
a very different image today. This is why your
mum is addicted to Quaaludes. Also "injectable
whole opium ...from the juice of the poppy" -
sounds tempting, no?
http://community.livejournal.com/vintage_ads/88173...
>> Offensive terms per nationality <<
A pleasing Wikipedia page that will allow you
to offend and alienate friends of any
nationality. We were probably most offended by
White Paki - "Applies to white English
cornershop keepers who remain open over
Christmas. They are called this because of the
tendency of Asian shopkeepers to stay open all
hours and not to celebrate the Christmas
festival."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Offensive_terms_per_n...
>> Politically incorrect alphabet <<
Pleasing series of little icons like those
wallcharts that teach little kids the
alphabet. The artist has done a nice job of
picking subjects that aren't quite suitable
for children - rude words, bad habits and
cultural stereotypes. This would make a great
book.
http://better-together.co.uk/index.html
>> 'Free energy device' interview <<
The free energy machine has been the dream of
crackpots and sci-fi authors for decades -
like a modern Philosopher's Stone. Now a bunch
of Irish scientists called Steorn claim to
have cracked it. Could they be onto something
- or is it a sinister viral marketing ploy for
Economy Seven. They certainly seem a sober
bunch though.
http://snipurl.com/interview_steorn
>> The best 31 ways to lace your shoes <<
If you only read one website about how to
string the laces in your footwear then make it
this one. Although mathematically speaking
there are two trillion ways of lacing the
average shoe, this site just lists the most
significant. It might just save your life.
http://www.fieggen.com/shoelace/lacingmethods.htm
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Apparently, I'm a sex offender
Last week we wanted your stories of accidental
sexual offences. Turns out geeks are useless
at talking to the opposite sex:
http://b3ta.com/questions/i_am_a_sex_offender/
* MMM, LESBIANS...
"I was drunk on a train from Waterloo, and
there were a couple of women opposite me that
were clearly partners. One was a lot younger
with a shaved head, and they had been to see
Cats. They weren't unattractive, particularly
the younger of the two and so I had a shot at
chatting them up. We made small talk and I
said, "It's great, isn't it, that in
cosmopolitan London a lesbian couple can be
so open about it." The older women replied,
"I am married, and this is my 12 year old
son." The son looked like he was going to
cry, and having ruined an evening and
probably caused a lifetime of therapy for the
child, I just said, "I'm so, so sorry," and
moved to the next carriage." (browser)
* DEAD FUNNY
"Many moons ago, working in a busy pub, I
noticed more and more of the clientele
staring at me in what I imagined to be awe
and respect due to my obviously superior
bearing. Nothing had been said, people were
literally sitting at the bar, gawping at me.
Most strange. Later on, I mentioned this to a
colleague, who blithely said, "Ah, that'll be
because the boss was telling them about your
condition..." My condition? After further
investigation, I had to take my boss aside
and ask that if she was going to discuss my
problems with all sundry, that she kindly
remember to tell them that I was narcoleptic,
not, as she had been broadcasting,
necrophiliac." (Rsoles)
* MANLY PROTECTION
"One evening, my neighbour started screaming.
A peeping tom was observing her from the
bushes in the alley outside her bedroom
window. In a panic, she came over to my
apartment for manly protection. I locked her
in, she called the police, and I went out
into the alley to locate and confront the
pervert. So, who was the only one in the
alley when the police helicopter and the
canine units arrived?" (Marc Valdez)
After posting his story, Che Grimsdale wrote
asking if any of you are users of
www.trombi.com - for some reason he wants to
trace an old girlfriend and is looking for
help opening that particular can of worms.
Email us at the usual address if you can help
him enter a world of pain.
>> This Week's Question <<
Remember trying to be on the cutting edge of
fashion? All those home made "alterations"
that made you oh-so-cool? Talk us through the
disasters here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/diyfashion/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Threeway fluffy fun
>> Two bunnies eating <<
You'd have to have a heart of stone not to
warm to this couple of baby rabbits noshing
away at a bowl of tasty green stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Birthday pandas <<
A collection of pictures of pandas celebrating
their birthdays. The middle picture, of Fujian
Panda World's Basi, is pure gold!
http://snipurl.com/happy_birthday_panda
>> Crying rabbit <<
Another bunny, but this one is very sad. Now
we're sad. Aww.
http://www.mercia.biz/files/ph/youmakebunnycry.jpg
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Apparently, web video is popular...
>> Time for pancakes <<
Some say pancakes are only for Shrove Tuesday
- but they're wrong, they're for Ash
Wednesday. But this great vid almost made us
reach for the batter again. BTW: This would
make such a good format for a student cookery
show - catchy song, no-nonsense demonstration,
little dance, nice food. Or maybe have one
Delia rapping.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Extra episode of The Office <<
Ricky Gervaise reprises his role from The
Office in a faux training video made for
Microsoft employees. But essentially it's a
new episode of The Office. Particularly
entertaining is the song sequence towards the
end. Frankly, it makes us want to work for
Microsoft if this is the kind of thing they
lay on for staff.
http://video.google.com/videoplay
>> Black Mac ad <<
The problem with Apple making such iconic yet
visually simple campaigns is that they are
very easy to parody. Not sure Steve Jobs will
be giving the OK on this racially dubious idea
to flog that black-skinned Macbook. Great
punchline though.
http://www.devilducky.com/media/48743/
>> Muse = Gwen Stefani <<
Can this be really real? If you pitchshift
Muse 120% they sound exactly like Gwen
Stefani. It's so perfect it could almost be a
put-on. Way back, we seem to remember a
similar deal where you could make Kylie
Minogue sound like Rick Astley by playing a 45
at 33. Ask your mum about it (or your nan if
you're pikey).
http://b3ta.com/links/Muse_120_pitch_shift_Gwen_St...
>> School-leaving funtards <<
"This is a video made my some spackers leaving
my school," blabs electropoof. Actually we
wound up liking this short vid of schoolday
antics set to Britney's 'Toxic'. Especially
good is the bloke who rolls his eyes to the
squeaky bhangra riff. Forget Britney - he
makes the song his own.
http://snipurl.com/toxic_eyebrows
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
>> Cunt records <<
"I passed this record shop in Lille, France
with a pupil from the school I was working at
over there," confesses barrythief, "I promptly
burst into fits of laughter and was
interrogated with relentless 'quoi'-ing until
I explained why & it spread through their
class like wildfire. I taught a bunch of A
level-aged French students how to say 'Cunt'."
And he got paid - nice one!
http://oxygenthiefmusic.com/digi2.jpg
>> Methodhome <<
Where dirty junkies go to if they're looking
to kick the Habitat?
http://www.methodhome.com/
>> My school is a penis <<
Not so much a funny name as satellite footage
showing the unfortunate resemblance of this
school building to the male genitalia.
http://snipurl.com/leetmyschoolisapenis
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: ASK THE B3TARDS
For when Google can't help
>> French gender issues <<
Last week we asked how the French decide on
the gender of newly-invented words. Thanks to
the dozens of people who suggested that the
French decide the gender of objects by fucking
them. But the consensus opinion is that they
just make it up as they go along.
"It's quite simple, really." replies
timekillr. "All we do is look at how the word
'feels' and give it a gender. There's no set
rule. It's a cultural thing, too; here in
Quebec, we "genderise" our video games
consoles to the male gender, but in France,
they make them out to be female."
This week: -
>> Wet stuff <<
Iambeninem asks, "Why do things look darker
when they're wet?"
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Blutack pron, Pant Challenge & Crap MP3 player
>> Blutack pron <<
Who hasn't spent an afternoon making small
figures out of sticky putty? It would have
never occurred to us to make it into a website
tho. Or to make a cat shitting on a witch.
Whoever employs Dinky Pimp might want to sack
them, before they start 'acting out.'
http://www.blutackattack.com/
>> Pant Challenge <<
"A man can only wear so many pairs of pants -
and nine is that number." That's what we
claimed in a recent newsletter. To be honest,
we were talking out of our arses - and
Malchick has taken unseemly delight in proving
us wrong by modelling for us in his entire
underwear collection. Love the note of triumph
as he squeezes the ninth pair of briefs over
his increasingly lumpy hips...
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> £10 MP3 player reviewed <<
"I've been off reviewing electronic tat
again," reports our man in the Pound Shop, Dr.
A. "This time I've picked up a funny little
multimedia player thing." Long, but worth
sticking with.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/MP4_Player_Review
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Celeb Biog Challenge
Last week we wanted to know to design the
covers of unreleased celebrity autobiographies
with painful titles.
Your favourites included:
* CHRISTOPHER REEVE - Magnificent jacket
design marking the subject's paraplegic state.
(Curis)
* PACMAN - Life wasn't easy for the little
yellow fellow. (prodigy69)
* ROD HULL - Remembering the life of a legend
by celebrating his death. (ElephantFresh)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_autobiogra...
>> New challenge: Predator vs. Prey <<
It's the law of the jungle: one species
dominates another. But what if roles were
reversed? Show us a world in which the
underdog always comes out on top.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/predator_vs_prey/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BRAD PITT - last week we claimed that "Brad
Pitt means wide cock in Swedish." Our Swedish
correspondent Nekomimi Ninja informs, "The
pronunciation is close enough, Bred Pitt
would indeed translate to pretty much that.
However, the E in 'bred' is closer to the
sound of the first E of "here" in English,
Brad Pitt pronounced as such would be more
like Bräd-pitt, 'plank dick'."
* SCARY DUCK SHITTY TOMATOES, want2win1
enquires, "I have been waiting weeks and weeks
to find out what happened next?" We put it to
Scary and he says, "Here's the official
Operation Manky Garden update, especially for
you."
http://snipurl.com/tomaturds
* WEARETHEWEB FAKERY - Pete Freedom writes,
"I'm just writing to say thanks for featuring
the wearetheweb video. It was filmed a short
distance from my house and one of my good
friends from high school has a cameo in it.
They were looking for people who looked like
Chinese Backstreet Boys and apparently he fit
the part, even though he's actually Filipino."
Gosh! The fibbers!
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COOKING WITH PISS - Can you boil up pasta in
urine? Do you dare eat it?
* EDIBLE CLOTHES - make a suit from ham, or a
shoes from puff pastry. NOTE: Do not send us a
link to that Hatsofmeat site. We've seen it.
* SHARING FAT PEOPLES CLOTHES - do you have an
over-weight friend? Can two of you wear their
clothes simultaneously?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Adam Mack,
Funkster, Conner, patrick, brent, grr_boy,
Clairebare, mattwild, hahn, Parrot of doom,
andy.hughes2, hybridsyndrome,
gerbilinafishtank, auawsha, Steve /
KerrangRadio & cragget_. Top Tippery by Greg
(in California). Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Word to b4ta. (110006 - 39127)
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TOP TIP:
When dry-erase whiteboard pens and other
marker pens start drying out, you can get some
extra mileage out of them by storing them
vertically with the tip pointing downward.
Gravity pulls the remaining ink into the pen's
tip.
