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This Week:
* PONG - Updated for the 21st century, finally
* NUTTERS - Kate Bush's maddest fan
* QUESTION - Are you a sex offender?

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're saving the
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     web... together,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     but not in a gay way"
B3ta email 243 - 25 AUG 2006

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  DeejayNetworks - DJ & Dance Music Portal

  "Make it - Mix it - Love it. A bunch of
  nutters from Brighton decided to make a dance
  music portal, its going global. It flogs tons
  of upfront new dance music, and will host your
  dj mixes & own productions. For free. So

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want people looking at your site? Talk to us.


  Pong remix, Monkey sex & Shopping trolley art 

  >> Mind bending Pong <<
  Hot news Pong fans! After 30 years of
  development finally a new gameplay element has
  come to your favourite game. Four paddles! All
  controlled by you! Thanks to Steff Luczyn for
  this surprisingly tricky 2 minutes of fun. BTW:
  He reckons the top score is 50 - can you beat
  it? Whilst wearing nine pairs of pants and
  eating a juicy peach? 

  * Dirty monkey (now with sound) <<
  Last week we featured a video of a
  particularly dirty pair of sex monkeys. For
  reasons perhaps best left unexplored,
  Cupboardy has added a soundtrack. It's now
  vastly better though - like something from the
  private collection of Johnny Morris.

  >> Shopping trolley art <<
  A few years back we linked to Ptolemy's
  gallery of hubcap creations. Little did we
  expect that he'd turn up on our doorstep the
  next week with  a dirty great hubcap fish
  which has been puzzling visitors to B3ta HQ
  ever since. Good as it is, we hope he doesn't
  do the same with his latest stuff, as it's
  made from shopping trolleys and about seven
  foot tall. Extraordinarily good.


  New ways to insult people

  TARDIS - "Like the real Tardis, there's more
  empty space in some peoples heads than the
  impression gives. E.g. "You'll have your own
  eye out, you fucking tardis." (area404)

  BIF - "Short for bifida, as in spina bifida."

  SPILLAGE IDIOT "Someone who knocks over drinks
  in country pubs." (expf)

  What are they saying in your neck of the hood?
  Jizz-obsessed lexicographers are waiting for
  your email.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Wry Venn diagrams <<
  Guardian! Looking for a whimsical filler for
  your increasingly bloated rag? Take a look at
  this excellent blog, summing up philosophical
  insights in graph format.

  >> Kate Bush's nuttiest fan <<
  Now your average Kate Bush fan might just jack
  off to the pictures of her age 17 in a leotard
  where you could see her prominent nipples. But
  this chap goes just one stage further. In her
  song Pi, on the album Aerial, Kate recites the
  number pi to a large number of decimal places.
  According to his increasingly tortuous chain
  of reasoning, this song contains endless
  levels of hidden meaning. And he's happy to
  change the evidence to fit his theories.

  >> Whatever happened to Matrix guy Larry? <<
  The story's been floating around for a little
  while, but we were fascinated to learn that
  Matrix co-creator Larry Wachowski is now
  calling himself "Linda", possibly taking
  female hormones and living with a dominatrix.
  Blimey. Google for "Linda Wachowski" if you
  want to see some pics of his hot new look.

  >> Hypno Arse <<
  This page is entitled 'How to Hypnotise a Man'
  and Christ they're on the money. We've spunked
  all our cash into their Paypal accounts now.

  >> Vintage drug ads <<
  Not, as you might expect, anti-drug campaigns
  but stuff put out by pharmaceutical companies
  back in the day, sometimes to push stuff with
  a very different image today. This is why your
  mum is addicted to Quaaludes. Also "injectable
  whole opium ...from the juice of the poppy" -
  sounds tempting, no?

  >> Offensive terms per nationality <<
  A pleasing Wikipedia page that will allow you
  to offend and alienate friends of any
  nationality. We were probably most offended by
  White Paki - "Applies to white English
  cornershop keepers who remain open over
  Christmas. They are called this because of the
  tendency of Asian shopkeepers to stay open all
  hours and not to celebrate the Christmas

  >> Politically incorrect alphabet <<
  Pleasing series of little icons like those
  wallcharts that teach little kids the
  alphabet. The artist has done a nice job of
  picking subjects that aren't quite suitable
  for children - rude words, bad habits and
  cultural stereotypes. This would make a great

  >> 'Free energy device' interview <<
  The free energy machine has been the dream of
  crackpots and sci-fi authors for decades -
  like a modern Philosopher's Stone. Now a bunch
  of Irish scientists called Steorn claim to
  have cracked it. Could they be onto something
  - or is it a sinister viral marketing ploy for
  Economy Seven. They certainly seem a sober
  bunch though.

  >> The best 31 ways to lace your shoes <<
  If you only read one website about how to
  string the laces in your footwear then make it
  this one. Although mathematically speaking
  there are two trillion ways of lacing the
  average shoe, this site just lists the most
  significant. It might just save your life.


  Apparently, I'm a sex offender

  Last week we wanted your stories of accidental
  sexual offences. Turns out geeks are useless
  at talking to the opposite sex:

   "I was drunk on a train from Waterloo, and
   there were a couple of women opposite me that
   were clearly partners. One was a lot younger
   with a shaved head, and they had been to see
   Cats. They weren't unattractive, particularly
   the younger of the two and so I had a shot at
   chatting them up. We made small talk and I
   said, "It's great, isn't it, that in
   cosmopolitan London a lesbian couple can be
   so open about it." The older women replied,
   "I am married, and this is my 12 year old
   son." The son looked like he was going to
   cry, and having ruined an evening and
   probably caused a lifetime of therapy for the
   child, I just said, "I'm so, so sorry," and
   moved to the next carriage." (browser)
   "Many moons ago, working in a busy pub, I
   noticed more and more of the clientele
   staring at me in what I imagined to be awe
   and respect due to my obviously superior
   bearing. Nothing had been said, people were
   literally sitting at the bar, gawping at me.
   Most strange. Later on, I mentioned this to a
   colleague, who blithely said, "Ah, that'll be
   because the boss was telling them about your
   condition..." My condition? After further
   investigation, I had to take my boss aside
   and ask that if she was going to discuss my
   problems with all sundry, that she kindly
   remember to tell them that I was narcoleptic,
   not, as she had been broadcasting,
   necrophiliac." (Rsoles)
   "One evening, my neighbour started screaming.
   A peeping tom was observing her from the
   bushes in the alley outside her bedroom
   window. In a panic, she came over to my
   apartment for manly protection. I locked her
   in, she called the police, and I went out
   into the alley to locate and confront the
   pervert. So, who was the only one in the
   alley when the police helicopter and the
   canine units arrived?" (Marc Valdez)
  After posting his story, Che Grimsdale wrote
  asking if any of you are users of
  www.trombi.com - for some reason he wants to
  trace an old girlfriend and is looking for
  help opening that particular can of worms.
  Email us at the usual address if you can help
  him enter a world of pain.

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Remember trying to be on the cutting edge of
  fashion? All those home made "alterations"
  that made you oh-so-cool? Talk us through the
  disasters here:


  Threeway fluffy fun

  >> Two bunnies eating <<
  You'd have to have a heart of stone not to
  warm to this couple of baby rabbits noshing
  away at a bowl of tasty green stuff.

  >> Birthday pandas <<
  A collection of pictures of pandas celebrating
  their birthdays. The middle picture, of Fujian
  Panda World's Basi, is pure gold!

  >> Crying rabbit <<
  Another bunny, but this one is very sad. Now
  we're sad. Aww.


  Apparently, web video is popular...

  >> Time for pancakes <<
  Some say pancakes are only for Shrove Tuesday
  - but they're wrong, they're for Ash
  Wednesday. But this great vid almost made us
  reach for the batter again. BTW: This would
  make such a good format for a student cookery
  show - catchy song, no-nonsense demonstration,
  little dance, nice food. Or maybe have one
  Delia rapping.

  >> Extra episode of The Office <<
  Ricky Gervaise reprises his role from The
  Office in a faux training video made for
  Microsoft employees. But essentially it's a
  new episode of The Office. Particularly
  entertaining is the song sequence towards the
  end. Frankly, it makes us want to work for
  Microsoft if this is the kind of thing they
  lay on for staff.

  >> Black Mac ad <<
  The problem with Apple making such iconic yet
  visually simple campaigns is that they are
  very easy to parody. Not sure Steve Jobs will
  be giving the OK on this racially dubious idea
  to flog that black-skinned Macbook. Great
  punchline though.

  >> Muse = Gwen Stefani <<
  Can this be really real? If you pitchshift
  Muse 120% they sound exactly like Gwen
  Stefani. It's so perfect it could almost be a
  put-on. Way back, we seem to remember a
  similar deal where you could make Kylie
  Minogue sound like Rick Astley by playing a 45
  at 33. Ask your mum about it (or your nan if
  you're pikey).

  >> School-leaving funtards <<
  "This is a video made my some spackers leaving
  my school," blabs electropoof. Actually we
  wound up liking this short vid of schoolday
  antics set to Britney's 'Toxic'. Especially
  good is the bloke who rolls his eyes to the
  squeaky bhangra riff. Forget Britney - he
  makes the song his own. 



  >> Cunt records <<
  "I passed this record shop in Lille, France
  with a pupil from the school I was working at
  over there," confesses barrythief, "I promptly
  burst into fits of laughter and was
  interrogated with relentless 'quoi'-ing until
  I explained why & it spread through their
  class like wildfire. I taught a bunch of A
  level-aged French students how to say 'Cunt'."
  And he got paid - nice one!

  >> Methodhome <<
  Where dirty junkies go to if they're looking
  to kick the Habitat?

  >> My school is a penis <<
  Not so much a funny name as satellite footage
  showing the unfortunate resemblance of this
  school building to the male genitalia.


  For when Google can't help

  >> French gender issues <<
  Last week we asked how the French decide on
  the gender of newly-invented words. Thanks to
  the dozens of people who suggested that the
  French decide the gender of objects by fucking
  them. But the consensus opinion is that they
  just make it up as they go along.

  "It's quite simple, really." replies
  timekillr. "All we do is look at how the word
  'feels' and give it a gender. There's no set
  rule. It's a cultural thing, too; here in
  Quebec, we "genderise" our video games
  consoles to the male gender, but in France,
  they make them out to be female."

  This week: -

  >> Wet stuff <<
  Iambeninem asks, "Why do things look darker
  when they're wet?"


  Blutack pron, Pant Challenge & Crap MP3 player

  >> Blutack pron <<
  Who hasn't spent an afternoon making small
  figures out of sticky putty? It would have
  never occurred to us to make it into a website
  tho. Or to make a cat shitting on a witch.
  Whoever employs Dinky Pimp might want to sack
  them, before they start 'acting out.'

  >> Pant Challenge <<
  "A man can only wear so many pairs of pants -
  and nine is that number." That's what we
  claimed in a recent newsletter. To be honest,
  we were talking out of our arses - and
  Malchick has taken unseemly delight in proving
  us wrong by modelling for us in his entire
  underwear collection. Love the note of triumph
  as he squeezes the ninth pair of briefs over
  his increasingly lumpy hips...

  >> £10 MP3 player reviewed <<
  "I've been off reviewing electronic tat
  again," reports our man in the Pound Shop, Dr.
  A. "This time I've picked up a funny little
  multimedia player thing." Long, but worth
  sticking with.


  Results from the Celeb Biog Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know to design the
  covers of unreleased celebrity autobiographies
  with painful titles.

  Your favourites included:
  * CHRISTOPHER REEVE - Magnificent jacket
  design marking the subject's paraplegic state.

  * PACMAN - Life wasn't easy for the little
  yellow fellow. (prodigy69)

  * ROD HULL - Remembering the life of a legend
  by celebrating his death. (ElephantFresh)

  All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Predator vs. Prey <<
  It's the law of the jungle: one species
  dominates another. But what if roles were
  reversed? Show us a world in which the
  underdog always comes out on top.

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 



  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BRAD PITT - last week we claimed that "Brad
  Pitt means wide cock in Swedish." Our Swedish
  correspondent Nekomimi Ninja informs, "The
  pronunciation is close enough, Bred Pitt
  would indeed translate to pretty much that.
  However, the E in 'bred' is closer to the
  sound of the first E of "here" in English,
  Brad Pitt pronounced as such would be more
  like Bräd-pitt, 'plank dick'."

  enquires, "I have been waiting weeks and weeks
  to find out what happened next?" We put it to
  Scary and he says, "Here's the official
  Operation Manky Garden update, especially for

  * WEARETHEWEB FAKERY - Pete Freedom writes,
  "I'm just writing to say thanks for featuring
  the wearetheweb video.  It was filmed a short
  distance from my house and one of my good
  friends from high school has a cameo in it. 
  They were looking for people who looked like
  Chinese Backstreet Boys and apparently he fit
  the part, even though he's actually Filipino."
  Gosh! The fibbers!



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COOKING WITH PISS - Can you boil up pasta in
  urine? Do you dare eat it?

  * EDIBLE CLOTHES - make a suit from ham, or a
  shoes from puff pastry. NOTE: Do not send us a
  link to that Hatsofmeat site. We've seen it.

  * SHARING FAT PEOPLES CLOTHES - do you have an
  over-weight friend? Can two of you wear their
  clothes simultaneously?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Adam Mack,
  Funkster, Conner, patrick, brent, grr_boy,
  Clairebare, mattwild, hahn, Parrot of doom,
  andy.hughes2, hybridsyndrome,
  gerbilinafishtank, auawsha, Steve /
  KerrangRadio & cragget_. Top Tippery by Greg
  (in California). Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Word to b4ta. (110006 - 39127)

  When dry-erase whiteboard pens and other
  marker pens start drying out, you can get some
  extra mileage out of them by storing them
  vertically with the tip pointing downward.
  Gravity pulls the remaining ink into the pen's

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