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NEWSLETTER: "YOUR WEEKLY BARRAGE OF FILTH"

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This Week:
* VID - London to Brighton in 2 minutes
* FASHION - Baby toupees
* FUNNY NAMES - High Tree Spackers and more

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're looking at
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| tranny pron... together"

B3ta email 248 - 29 Sept 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue248/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
  What's the deal with The C'MONS?
 
  You B3tards can't have missed them, they're
  all over the place. So what do you think?
  Bunch of puppets or Next Big Thing? Something
  else entirely? More at the link below...
http://www.thecmons.co.uk


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Rathergood, Jesus, Trains and Weebl

  >> Ricky Martin vs. Jesus <<
  "Hey B3ta!" hollers Red Dalek, "I decided to
  e-mail ever-so-slightly-rewritten Ricky Martin
  lyrics to evangelical Christian websites and
  gathered a great deal of spiritual advice that
  might benefit dear old Ric." Heh, made us
  giggle. 
http://dominicself.co.uk/blog/index.php?itemid=728


  >> London to Brighton in 2 minutes <<
  "I've made an homage", preens Robbie, "an
  'omage to the 1983 BBC film: London to
  Brighton in 2 minutes." Woo, this is utterly
  fantastic. He's stuck a camera on the front of
  a train and sped up the footage, just like the
  video to The Cure's Jumping Someone Else's
  Train. If you are an arty fucker, you'll like
  this.
http://www.lobsterpictures.tv/webcom/lonbri.php


  >> Weebl vs. Pacman <<
  Jonti is obviously wanting to up the ad
  impressions on his site and to that end he's
  made a quick and dirty hack of Pacman
  featuring his characters. We weren't going to
  link to it, but then we played it and actually
  rather enjoyed his vocal stylings.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/ultimate+pie+theft/


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: SHOW ME THE FUNNY, BBC Radio 4 and BBC7 
  Sponsored link

  Want your own radio series?  Want to work with
  top comedy writers?  What are you waiting
  for? SHOW ME THE FUNNY: Submission deadline
  11th October. For more details: 
http://www.bbc.co.uk/showmethefunny


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Sleep, stop-motion and charity bike riding

  >> Sleepy commuters <<
  "I made this film", mumbles Gilbert, "on the
  way to work and back." Woo. It features sleepy
  people in the morning, and then sleepy people
  in the evening. Probably a complete invasion
  of privacy, but quite charming nonetheless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DneoMVDTTQ


  >> DIY Computing <<
  "Hello," splutters Leo, "I thought you might
  like this video that me and a friend made for
  a competition on 'thefirstpost.co.uk' To our
  surprise, we actually won it, and got 5 grand.
  It is technically an advert for a news site,
  but we don't work for an ad agency or
  anything, we just tried to make a nice short
  film." And indeed it is a good film, and we
  wish we could earn 5k for linking to it, you
  jammy shit.
http://www.leobridlefilms.co.uk/video/firstpost-flash.html


  >> Water Aid <<
  "My brother is cycling across Australia,"
  informs your Ginger Fuhrer, "He's raising
  money for Water Aid. Please, my lovely
  B3tards, sponsor him, as he doesn't actually
  believe that B3ta exists, and it would blow
  his mind to see loads of random names on his
  sponsor sheet."
http://www.justgiving.com/DuncanManuel


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Oldies vs Computers

  Last week we asked for the heartwarming
  stories of old people encountering the
  wonderful world of computers. Or, judging by
  the raft of postings complaining about this,
  we wanted to propagate some tired old
  stereotype or something. Either way, in
  amongst the urban legends there's some lovely
  stuff:
http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplevscomputers/

  * THE FUTURE SOUND OF METAL
    "My mum found my old Commodore 64 in the
    loft with all the cassettes. Finding the
    album sleeves slightly reminiscent of early
    80s heavy metal and the like, she slaps
    Eidelon into the family stereo and turns it
    up full whack, expecting some thunderous
    guitar noises. The all-out data screech of
    her hi-fi trying to read a commodore data
    tape made her punch the stereo so hard it
    broke. My Mum's 'ard." (Grrrmachine)
     
  * I'VE GOT THE FISH AGAIN
    "My mother is the world's biggest
    technophobe. At present I'd say she's
    probably reached the peak of her potential
    computer expertise, crouching over our
    cruddy family computer, typing with one
    finger and looking petrified as if the
    thing's going to blow up at any moment. This
    amazing proficiency is the result of an
    evening class at the local adult college.
    Holed up in a computer lab with several
    other technophobes, it must have been hell.
    Anyway, halfway through the first lesson
    there was a shriek from behind her computer.
    "There's a fish on my screen! How do I get
    rid of the fish? ARRRRGGHH!" It was the
    screensaver. Although the teacher patiently
    explained on several occasions that all one
    had to do was to move the mouse or
    something, my mother could never seem to
    remember this and constantly had to call him
    over because she'd "got the fish again."
    She's known as 'The Fish Lady'."
    (grandmasterfluffles)
     
  * DAD, YOU ARE AN IDIOT
    "My 4-year-old son made a "computer game"
    today using some kid k'nex (like the
    grown-up k'nex but chunkier) and a torch. He
    showed me how it worked by flashing the
    torch and making p-yow noises, as is the
    wont of most 4-year old boys when faced with
    anything vaguely gun-shaped. He asked me to
    have a go, and I dutifully p-yowed and
    flashed, only for him to look at me wearily,
    point at a separate pink piece of k'nex and
    say: "Daddy, you've got to click on the
    mouse." (Amish Information Systems)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your crushes. So far we're quite
  scared of the number of you who really quite
  like Moaning Myrtle and Papa Lazarou. Talk to
  us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crushes/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Amazing paper art <<
  Beautiful, thoughtful and even moving works of
  art all made from a single sheet of A4 paper.
  Blinding display of paper-folding skills from
  artist Peter Callesen.
http://www.oncotton.co.uk/peter/index/index2.html


  >> "Ad men steal" shock <<
  If you've caught yourself watching an advert
  and thinking that the design was vaguely
  familiar then this site is for you. It
  regularly flags up instances where designers
  have had their ideas blatantly ripped off by
  big business. Not to be confused with
  instances of designers being given fat cheques
  to have their ideas used in an ad. 
http://youthoughtwewouldntnotice.com/blog3/


  >> Baby wigs <<
  Babies all look the same. It's an unpalatable
  truth but there it is. Help yours stand out
  from the bald, mewling crowd with a
  'personality' wig. Your own precious young one
  could be the one boasting a full head of Bob
  Marley/Islington ponce dreads. Fortunate child
  indeed.
http://www.babytoupee.com/newsite/products_thelilkim.htm


  >> Bush buttplug <<
  Ah, satire at its finest - a model of George
  W. Bush to stick where the sun don't shine. To
  be honest, we think he looks more like
  Clinton, although that doesn't make us any
  more susceptible to his rubbery charms.
http://fuknus.chrisdamitio.com/?page_id=1935


  >> Floral urinals <<
  There might be something Freudian at work
  here, but these gents' urinals shaped like
  delicate blooms are rather lovely. Real
  flowers have special markings to make it easy
  for bees to find the centre - hopefully
  something similar will stop the drunkards
  missing the rim.
http://www.clarkmade.com/urinals.html


  >> The goatse mushroom <<
  Can anyone resist a mushroom that looks like
  an arse? The answer, of course, is that we
  cannot. Can you?
http://naturenet.net/blogs/index.php/2006/09/28/fungarse


  >> Nazi buildings <<
  "I've found Hitler's secret American base!"
  crows GoldenNinjaWarrior. And indeed, the
  buildings at the US Navy base at Coronado are
  shaped like the famed Hakenkreuz of Nazi fame.
  Fact: The swastika was the symbol of the Boy
  Scouts, until they requested a redesign in
  1935. Killjoys.
http://snipurl.com/googlenazis


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Sleepy cat

  "There's recently been a distinct lack of the
  cute stuff in your newsletters," complains
  Angie, "so I thought I'd help fix that. Here's
  some pics of my cat Sophie - THE cutest in the
  World - I dare you to say she's not! Go
  on.....make cute Sophie famous." Not a problem
  Angie, we're happy to help.
http://www.freewebs.com/angied0/sophiezonkedout.htm


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: AMNESTY SECRET POLICEMAN'S BALL
  Sponsored link
  
  Amnesty are producing their first Secret
  Policeman's Ball for 15 years, featuring
  floppy-haired shagger Russell Brand amongst
  others. They've made four promo films; this
  one features a troupe of comedians purporting
  to audition hopefuls for the event. Although
  quite what celebs such as Christina Aguilera
  will make of lines such as, "I'd like to give
  her a lethal injection" is anybody's guess.
http://www.amnesty.org.uk/secretpolice/pthplayer.asp


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Youtube now valued at $1.5 billion?

  >> No-armed guitar <<
  Footage of truly excellent armless guitarist
  Mark Goffeney busking in San Diego. He's
  better with his feet than we are with our
  hands, which is either inspiring or mildly
  discouraging.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSnUwA6c67k


  >> Syd Barrett house <<
  Legendary rocker Syd turned his back on fame
  and ended up living in a very ordinary
  suburban semi. He died in July and the house
  and its contents are coming up for sale. We
  like the loyal fan who proposes that Syd's
  appalling botch-job DIY be preserved as some
  sort of legacy for the nation. 
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Spda7SEko30


  >> Tiny dancer <<
  We can't tell if this little breakdancing dude
  is a child or a midget. However, his funky
  movements may be a side effect of someone
  grafting James Brown's head onto his spindly
  neck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gx-NLPH8JeM


  >> Homage to Pacman <<
  A nostalgic treat with the circular retro-game
  hero doing his munchy thing set to
  exceptionally cheesey nineties rave. Featuring
  cameos from Mrs Pacman, the  ill-conceived
  Pac-land and, surprisingly, Tron.
http://snipurl.com/pacmanyeah
  

  >> Rocking baby <<
  Cute child squealing and bopping about to
  brutal moshcore. Worth watching for a few
  seconds...
http://www.break.com/index/baby_rocks_out.html


  >> High speed video <<
  Always fun to watch bullets passing through
  everyday objects in slow-motion. This series,
  including bananas and water bottles, is laid
  out in a particularly exciting way and makes
  us even less keen than ever to be shot.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4526819805867391097


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Fuck me with a fork - it's back again

  >> High Tree Spackers <<
  "Dear B3ta," trills new_matt, "on the way to
  work this morning I saw a lorry from this
  company. I don't know whether this is amusing
  or not, maybe you can decide?" Yep, that's
  funny alright. Textbook in fact.
http://www.hightreespackers.com/


  >> Vag Coiffure <<
  "Last week's quim stuff has nothing on this,"
  opines collapsibletank.
http://snipurl.com/VagCoiffure


  >> S.L.A.G.S <<
  "I was recently using a public toilet in
  Somerset," whimpers Richie G, "and saw an
  poster advertising a support group for
  homosexuals. However, it had the rather
  unfortunate name of the Somerset Lesbian And
  Gay Society." Heh, we suspect they might have
  chosen that on purpose, the naughty scamps.


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: ASK THE B3TARDS
  For when Google can't help

  >> Filthy Tramp <<
  Last we we asked you about the trampy bloke is
  under Chiswick Flyover. Replies included:
  
  * "Christ Almighty! He had been there for
  about 6 years before I moved out of London -
  and that was in 1998. Respect to him for
  living there that long and not getting
  evicted." (house.fly)

  * "The tramp under the Chiswick flyover used
  to have an excellent sign which said 'Go forth
  and multiply you morons.'  It made me smile
  every morning." (georgiejohnson)

  * "Spooner is infamous in the local area. He
  even has a website" (awardle)
http://www.spoonthetramp.com/about.htm

  This week: -

  >> Insects and the Sun <<
  "I have a question," barks General
  Arfarfarnarf, "If insects are attracted to the
  light in your house, why do they not, during
  the day, make a bee-line straight to the sun?"
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Hollywood Dyslexia Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see great movies
  wrecked by dyslexic screenwriters. Millions of
  you entered.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * DEL BOY - David Jason leaves Peckham for a
  new life with the United States’ Bureau for
  Paranormal Research and Defense (Mugatu)

  * A LINE - Ridley-Scott's science fiction
  masterpiece undone by a simple typo (The Great
  Architect)

  * DEBBIE DOES SALADS - Probably a real movie
  anyway. There's a sexual niche for everything
  these days... (wibblywobbly)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dyslexia/


  >> New challenge: Kid's Toys For Grown-Ups <<
  Scalextrix. Action Man. Lego. Kids get all the
  best toys, then discover sex, booze and fags
  and leave them all behind. So let's update our
  childhood favourites and make versions for
  grown-ups...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/grownups/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  STICKYPEDIA - a full bag this week (ho ho) on
  the Wikipedia spunk photo, including:

  * "Please tell me I'm not the only person
  who's spotted this. But that spunk looks
  exactly like the Statue of Liberty"
  (Escaped_monkey)

  * "That bloody Wikipedia sperm looks too much
  like the outline of Freddy Mercury from behind
  to be easily forgotten. I may never forgive
  you." (EasyCheese)

  BTW: We've photoshopped this up to make it
  clear for everyone.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/6379972

  And continuing the theme, we enjoyed this
  comment from the discussion page on Wikipedia,
  "We are looking, waiting for a better photo,
  but this will do for now." Sounds like a
  challenge for B3tards, can you get a better
  photo of man-glue onto the site?


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Drag the dot to the square

  Can you drag the dot through an increasingly
  complex maze of moving shapes? We can't, but
  then we're completely shit at computer games.
  BTW: This is loads better than it sounds.
  Trust us.
http://wiredpope.com/sticks.html


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SNAKE ESCAPOLOGY - tie a snake into various
  types of knots and see how long it takes to
  escape each one.

  * BEER/PEE RATIOS -  If you drink 8 pints of
  lager, how much liquid will you pee out? Does
  it vary with the strength of the beer? 

  * WIKIPEDIA ILLUSTRATIONS - B3tards to further
  illustrate Wikipedia. Maybe the page on urine
  needs a pint glass full of piss? 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  GoldenNinjaWarrior, mithraea, The Virtual
  Ranger, gaijintendo, acid_kewpie, DeXien,
  charlesm, CCC, Monkeon Puromycin & P3te. Top
  Tippery by sunny_jimbob Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. B4ta is the woo. (Who knows or
  cares what this number is?)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  To get lovely, transparent ice cubes, use
  boiled water in the ice cube tray instead of
  just filling it from the cold tap. Much better
  than that cloudy shit.

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