NEWSLETTER: "YOUR 'TRAMPVENT' CALENDAR"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Return of Arsonist Sam
* COKE - Are they ripping off Rathergood.com?
* SHIT - Lots of fecal stories
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 258 - 15 December 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue258/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Xmas Shopping Delivered!
We're shipping UK orders placed up to Friday
December 22nd for guaranteed Christmas
delivery. Loads of great 80s inspired clothing
and gifts from the A-Team, My Little Pony,
Wonder Woman and many more. Free retro sweets
and an exclusive Boy Fitz Hammond 'Mr T's
Christmas' postcard with every order!
http://www.TruffleShuffle.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
The chaps who handle the ads for B3ta have
asked Jonti to make a lovely Christmas card.
This is what he came up with.
http://www.w00tmedia.net/christmas/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Women, Coke and Arson
>> "Do it woman!" <<
We can't help but feel sorry for Jeccy's poor
put-upon 'woman' character. She has to deal
with the escalatingly unreasonable demands of
her suburban despot boyfriend. "Wrestle bears,
woman!" "Burn the Jews, woman!"
http://snipurl.com/doitwoman
>> Is Coke ripping off Rathergood? <<
Argentine branch of Coke is running an advert
striking similar to Joel's 'Flip out like a
Ninja' song, which we launched in this very
newsletter. Full story, video stylee, here:
http://snipurl.com/cokerathergood
>> Arsonist Sam returns (briefly) <<
We love custardy's charmingly mean-hearted
reversal of kids' TV favourite Fireman Sam.
Here's a very short new adventure. We want
more, custardy - more, dammit!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Arson_Sam_short
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
School Trips
We wanted to hear about the chaos that always
takes place on school trips:
http://b3ta.com/questions/schooltrips/
Here's three shit ones:
* POO-TUBE
"Didn't we have a luvverly time the day we
went to Jodrell Bank space telescope? Well,
no, not really. We were about eight or nine,
and Mavourneen started whining about halfway
up the motorway that she needed a shit. So
our teacher Mrs Woods forced all of us to
move into the front half of the coach (which
meant perching on any available knee of the
slightly older delegation from another -
much rougher - school that we didn't even
fucking know, inevitably leading to all
kinds of "now we know your boy/girlfriend"
taunts) while she used all of our coats to
make a feeble impromptu 'curtain' across the
rear half. She then 'borrowed' a tube of
Pringles off fattie Briggs (even this
lardfelcher was NOT going to be asking for
it back) , gave us one each to keep us
'occupied', and, still munching on a
sizeable handful herself, embarked upon the
distinctly audible (and highly balletic)
process of coaxing Mavourneen into a
breathtakingly dexterous bout of
bum-sniper-tastic precision pooing at 55mph
in the slow lane. Apparently she was doing
alright until it started to curl.
Afterwards, Mrs Woods threw the vile scud
from the moving coach window, and told us in
no uncertain terms that any further mention
of the incident would result in a week of
after-school sums. By the time we got to
Jodrell (rubbish) half an hour later, entire
classes from two different schools had
racked up detentions lasting until sometime
in mid-2026." (grey kid)
* POOL SHIT
"We went to the swimming pool every Friday
for the ritual humiliation of baring our
bodies to classmates so we could be mocked
for years afterwards about our fat / hair /
birthmarks / no tits etc. But at the end of
each term, we were allowed to mess about
with snorkels and masks. This provided a
great opportunity to swim beneath Judy B in
order to get a cod's eye view of her love
mound. It also led to the situation where
Adam S, a portly boy with freckles, had a
dump in the pool. The high fat and corn
content in the log caused it to bob heartily
in his wake: the sadistic paedo swimming
instructor ordered everyone out of the pool
to avert a hygiene scandal. Everyone fled
the pool like that scene in Jaws - everyone
except John K, who surfaced from the deep
directly below the Trident sub that was
Adam's stool. As we gasped, it narrowly
missed his breathing tube. As we winced, it
settled with amazing accuracy on the top of
his mask, shelf-like. Imagine how it must
have seemed to him, surfacing to see his
classmates screaming and pointing at him.
Imagine the sensation as he slipped off the
mask to ask "WHAT?!" ... and slicked the
still warm turd back through his hair. He
used a whole bottle of shampoo later."
(frankspencer)
* BAG-O-SHITE
"We were all going on a trip to France in
first year. The bus was full of 11-year-olds
and four teachers who were trying to be
'cool' and show how hip they were. A friend
of mine was playing Dares with a few other
guys; they dared my friend to take a dump in
a brown paper bag. He does it. The bag gets
passed around, much to everybody's dismay,
one of the teacher notices the fuss. "What's
going on here then?" "Nobody wants to pop
the bag, sir" "You wusses, give it here
then." *SPLAT* To this day, I've never heard
children screaming so loud." (Tony_)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to cruellest Secret Santa
presents. Giving anonymously is SO much fun.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/secretsanta/
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: B3TA BOOKS
Desperate "last push for the Xmas market"
Stuck for inspiration for what to buy your mum
this Christmas? Why not our Book of Sick
Jokes? Or even 'A Hand in the Bush: the Fine
Art of Vaginal Fisting.' We've put all your
favourites into a list for your buying
pleasure. Please buy our book, else the
kittens will be cold this Christmas.
http://astore.amazon.co.uk/b3ta-21
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Ear fastener for oral condom patent <<
Google has released a new search engine for
sniffing around patents. Every page is a
winner - we just typed in "anal sex" and came
up with a pile of unlikely devices to make
bumfun more convenient and hygenic.
http://snipurl.com/thisisjustwrong
>> Trampvent calendar <<
This redesign of the traditional Christmas
countdown with the addition of multiple boozes
couldn't be any better or, indeed, any
simpler. So good, why restrict it to Christmas
- why not every month?
http://www.alexisblue.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php
>> 40 best celebrity rumours <<
From Prince Harry's dubious parentage to J
Edgar Hoover being a cross dresser to Keanu
Reeves marrying David Geffen, all your
favourite, but probably untrue, stories are
listed here. It's like 10 years of condensed
popbitch but without the constant references
to monkeys.
http://snipurl.com/bigsillylist
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Piglet squid
One man's cute is another man's, er, well, not
poison. What we're trying to say is that this
peculiar-looking beastie is cute to us. Kind
of. We give you... the piglet squid.
http://squid.us/piglet-squid/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Sod Youtube, all the cool kids use Revver now
>> In-joke scream <<
We can't believe we've never covered the
'Wilhelm Scream' before. It's a sound effect
originally made for a 1951 western that wound
up in Warners' sound library and hence into so
many other films that it's become a kind of
geeky in-joke. Here's a montage of notable
Wilhelm Scream appearances; as you can see,
Spielberg is a particular aficionado.
http://www.panopticist.com/archives/215.html
>> Horse balls <<
As if just the name and the URL were not
enough, the makers of these equine
recreational aids have produced an explanatory
video. A major benefit is they "cut down on
stable vices like cribbing, wind-sucking,
pawing or digging."
http://www.horseballs.com/user/video-intro-qt.html
>> Bush's United States of Whatever <<
Great to see the now-legendary "Whatever" by
Liam Lynch back in this animated recap of
George W Bush's troubled administration.
http://snipurl.com/svza
>> Line Rider at the slopes <<
We featured this game way back in newsletter
249 - you draw a line which forms a slope for
a little toboggan-riding dude. We were shit at
it then and we are shit at it now, but the
author of this has done something quite
spectacular with it - there's extraneous
detail, even. You could say he has too much
time on his hands - but then they probably
said that about Leonardo da Vinci.
http://snipurl.com/bestlinerideryet
>> Xmas kitten <<
"Oh no! Stuck in a mitten! Merry Christmas,
Christmas kitten." Baffling, bizarre and
clearly foreign, a music video Christmas card.
They clearly had a lot of fun making this and
we're not sure who the joke is on. Still
fantastic though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Stop sending this shit in, we hate you
>> Dildo, Newfoundland <<
Dildo and neighbouring South Dildo are small
Canadian communities on the southern Dildo arm
of Trinity Bay. Fish processing is a major
business, along with, presumably, hordes of
people coming to mock their name.
http://snipurl.com/wikidildos
>> Bald Knob Marina <<
According to the website Bald Knob Marina is
situated on 'Pistakee Lake'. Surely to
goodness no; this cannot be real?
http://www.baldknobmarina.com/
>> Dr Kevin De Cock <<
There's a term for people whose name relates
to their profession with spooky synchronicity.
We can't remember what it is, but we're sure
someone will remind us. In the meantime, Dr De
Cock is the director of the HIV/Aids
department of the World Health Organisation.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6176209.stm
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Global Warming Challenge
Last week we wanted the positive benefits of
climate change to be revealed.
Your favourites included:
* LONDON AIR - Spectacularly realised vision
of our capital as the water level rises
(Penultimate Straw)
* NORTHERN LINE - Travel by tube will never be
the same again (golddust)
* DRIVING - Roundabouts will no longer be easy
to navigate. Unless you're driving a yacht
(Biggus Dickus)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/global_warming/
>> New challenge: Sick Christmas Cards <<
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat,
it's almost time to kill the bastard thing. So
celebrate the season by designing sick, rude,
inappropriate or silly Christmas cards.
Challenge suggested by Freddred.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sick_christmas_cards...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CRAPTIC CROSSWORD - "Thanks for putting me
in the newsletter," beams baldmonkey. "You
can't imagine how much it means to someone who
is as much of an attention whore as I am. You
made a pathetic cunt very happy." The answers
are as follows, Across: 1. Butt Plug, 3.
Spunk, 5. Bastard, 7. Piss, 9. Cock, 12. Soapy
tit wank. Down: 2. Gang Rape, 4. Wanker, 6.
Twat, 8. Sodomy, 10. Cunt, 11. Mother Fucker.
(Take that spam filters!)
* SNOWMAN - "Loved the snowman ad in the
newsletter," writes expf. "I have a lady
friend, who adores The Snowman and watches (or
rather watched) it every year, because it's
'part of Christmas'. To avoid this, and not
have to watch that sentimental pap again,
because it is on EVERY year, simply sing
along: 'I'm wanking in your hair, I'm
spluffing in it while you sleep. I've come so
may times you're sticking to the sheets...'
Instantly memorable, and bound to save an hour
more of Xmas for stuffing your face 'because
you've ruined it'."
* JURY SERVICE TOP TIP - Chom tells us, "I'm
currently temping as an electoral form
cross-checker for the council. Writing 'I'm
not a nig-nog' wouldn't get you out of jury
duty. If you want to do that tick that you're
over 70. No jury duty if you're not found
out... a thousand pound fine if you are."
* EVIL CRACKER JOKES DEPLOYED - "I used the
B3ta Sick Cracker Jokes", joshes Todd the
Groincrusher, "to great effect today. Look.
See."
http://www.b3ta.com/talk/2292427
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: FRIDAY GAME
Nintendo advent calendar
Unlike most online advent calendars, which are
shit, this one offers you something good -
almost as good as the actual chocolate you get
with a real one. The game is, basically, Mario
as a snowman - but that's no bad thing at all.
http://www.mission-in-snowdriftland.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* JAP'S EYE LIP-SYNC - Take your old chap in
hand, stick on some Barry White and let the
cock karaoke commence. Oh yeah, and film it.
And stick it on GooTube.
* CASHFORKITTENS.COM - you upload kittens,
others vote on the cutests and we all split
the adsense profits.
* BBEDIT FOR THE PC - we're fed up with having
to flit between a Mac and a PC simply because
BBedit is superior to any text editor we've
ever used.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by citizenloz,
Andeh, ratking, yermom, eight,
collapsibletank, chris sunshine, sharleyq, Che
Grimsdale, Wormulus and the b3ta talk massive
Top Tippery by Fenris Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Rape to b4ta. (4)
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TOP TIP:
You can delete incorrect form data from your
autocomplete by highlighting it and hitting
shift+del. Useful if you have mistyped
something before and now it keeps popping up
and irritating you.
