NEWSLETTER: "DOWNLOAD OUR SICK JOKE BOOK FOR FREE. YES, FREE. THANKS B3TA"
This Week:
* SICK JOKE BOOK - Download it for free. THANKS!
* QUIZ - Pop-stars' first names. Can you guess?
* COKE - Joel scores BILLIONS from legals
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're licking our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| elbows... mhmmhmhm"
B3ta email 262 - 26 Jan 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue262/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lots and lots of magic links for you
>> Read the Sick Joke Book for FREE! <<
Last year we embarked on our most ambitious
project yet, could we get the internet to
write us a book and then flog it in the shops?
We're very happy that all our webby dreams
came true and lots of you bought it. Now we're
taking on the riskiest part of our "thought it
up drunk" marketing strategy: we're giving the
entire book away, completely free, as a PDF
download. Our theory being that the more
people who read it online, then the more
people might buy it as a birthday present for
a friend. Will our Amazon sales rank drop to
zero? God knows, but you only live once, and
it's more interesting to take a few risks.
http://www.sickjokebook.com
>> Mick + Keith = Which band? Quiz <<
Monkeon, Monkeon, Monkeon, so good we name him
thrice, has been working on cute little quiz
to test your knowledge of pop-stars' first
names. He demurely enquires, "suggestions for a
more catchy title are welcome." Our thought?
Christian (names) Rock Quiz.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/popfirstnames/
>> Weebl vs Mangos <<
"Mangos! Mangos! Mangos!" orgasms Jonti, "I'm
just very happy with it." Indeed. And for the
animation nerds amongst our audience, Jonti
has produced these particular mangos in 3D.
Yep, 3 fucking D. Woo hoo!
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/mango
>> Oh fuck, the return of Barry Scott <<
Maybe you think the Cillit Bang joke is tired,
and to continue it would be to chip away at
the very love that you give that keeps this
newsletter alive. You sir, you sir is wrong.
Natt shouts, "We wondered what it might be
like to live with Barry Scott. So we made
this. Hope you enjoy it." Warning: This is an
audio file. That's right, it's like radio
comedy. No pictures, or any of that fancy
Youtubery. We're kicking it Radio 4 stylee.
Amusing enough for a couple of mins tho.
http://odeo.com/audio/6564083/view
>> Joel vs. Coke WIN WIN WIN <<
Before Xmas we broke the story that Coke had
ripped off one of Joel's tunes and animations
for an advert. This subsequently became a
massive PR disaster for Coke, the story was
reported on BBC, Sky and in every paper going.
And if you haven't been reading the news this
week (most emailed story on BBC news), then
you'll need to know that Coke paid up, and all
is spunky-dory. We wanted to give you
exclusive news, like exactly how much the band
was paid, but under the terms of the agreement,
Joel is not allowed to disclose the figure,
which is a shame, as it's the bit that everyone
wants to know. Anyway, to see how big the
whole story got stick 'rathergood' into
Google News.
http://news.google.com/news
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: PENIS SPOT
Your gushing tributes to cocks keep on coming
>> Frozen phallus <<
"We built a 6ft snow cock in The Alps last
week," boasts Firestar_3x, "It needs some
recognition, can you help?" Sure can. We'll
also refrain from making "brass monkeys" and
"snowballs" jokes.
http://firestar3x.com/MX5Nutz/Forum/Images/SnowP1....
>> Giant Cocks in Google Earth <<
Chanticleer spluffs, "When I was a young'un, I
used to go on bike rides around a big country
house with a huge lake. Kicking around Google
Earth, I thought I'd have a go at guessing how
far away from the lake my house was. But then
I found the lake, and that question became a
bit irrelevant. Now, cocks drawn on schools
with chalk and mown into hay are one thing;
the local Lord of the Manor is obviously
richer than any of us and created a huge pond
in the shape of a knob." Yay for mad toffs,
and we hope one day we're wealthy enough
to behave in a similarly cockcentric way.
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/b3ta/jpg/wwh.j...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The weird kid in class
Every class had one, and we wanted to know all
about them:
http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdkid/
* "Paul had a thing about naked people: they
made him freak out. So life drawing classes
were a nightmare for him and he managed to
avoid every single one for the three years
we had them. Eventually the teach got sick
of his excuses and said "Paul, whatever you
say or do today, I will not let you leave.
You are staying for the whole class, I don't
care if the principal has a meeting with you
or you have to go to sickbay. Nothing will
make me let you leave". So Paul begged,
pleaded, lied. nothing worked. He even dropped
an easel on his foot. To no avail. The model
waddles in and disrobes and we all get
scribbling. It was then a strange thing
happened... Paul seemed to be into it. He
was feverishly working on his drawing and
didn't seem too upset by the whole experience.
As the class went on, he even started to look
pleased as he stepped back from his work to
admire it. The teacher starts to look incredibly
smug, until that is the end of the class comes
and we all rotate our easels to admire each
others work. Paul, with some encouragement,
reveals his masterpiece. A perfectly rendered
drawing of the Sydney Harbour Bridge."
(lessmiserable)
* "One, Two and Three were, I kid you not, the
names of three kids at my old school. Their
Child Psychologist parents believed that they
should not give their children names and that
they should be able to choose them themselves.
Of course they forbade the children from naming
themselves until they were 16 and were of an
age to have decided on a good and sensible name
for themselves. So far only One has a proper
name, Two and Three are still, Two and Three.
(I believe they are fairly normal apart from
the shit that they had to put up with in school)"
(polly DOES NOT want a fucking cracker)
* "Doesn't need much explaining: I went to
school with a lad who shagged a horse"
(GeordieSteve)
http://archive.thenorthernecho.co.uk/2001/3/6/1772...
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your first experience of porn.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/myfirstporn/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> If you open one link this week, THIS ONE <<
"While merrily trawling through an anonymous
FTP server I came across this," lies Jimvin,
"If only he hadn't named the directory
'secretphotos' my curiosity would not have
been piqued. It's only just that this guy's
creepy secret page be disseminated amongst all
the other B3tards reading the newsletter."
http://snipurl.com/secretphotos
>> Drugs are good mmmkay? <<
B3ta HQ has always been a great believer in
marijuana as a way of getting ideas. We don't
mean being a useless stoner, but an occasional
smoke does really get the brain thinking
differently, and so we salute Dr Susan
Blackmore (best known for her work on
meme-theory) and her brave confession "I take
illegal drugs for inspiration."
http://snipurl.com/getmashedwithdrdrugs
>> Blue Peter Annuals <<
International readers won't feel the same
nostalgic tug that UK people of a certain age
will experience on seeing this complete
collection of Blue Peter Annuals from the 60s
up to the present day. Fascinating stuff, see
the presenters change from parental figure, to
mad uncle, to hip older sibling and most
recently, stage school kids who might as well
be in S Club 7. Ad agencies! Buy this lot on
eBay and make a great mural for your reception.
http://snipurl.com/wedstilldojanetellis
>> Photo sprint <<
Unusual idea for a collection of images here,
the photographer sets his camera on a two
second delay and then runs like fuck away from
the lens.
http://runningfromcamera.blogspot.com/
>> Who's that lady? Texty lady? <<
Scoring all the hotness for the typographical
perverts this week is this collection of nudes
made entirely from the shapes found in
ordinary letters. Word.
http://www.epica-awards.org/epica/2006/winners/cat...
>> Your new homepage <<
"Did you know that YOUR HomePage is the page
that opens every time you open your browser?"
enquires this banally obvious page for web
newbies, "And did you know that you could
change what is on it?" Yep, here is the
fantastic opportunity to make your browser open
to a photo of Jesus. It's what God wants you
to do (other than killing prostitutes.)
http://gothomepages.com/jesus/JesusHomePage.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
This week's challenging wank material...
>> Bass + corn flour = rippling vag <<
"This vid is an extension of a science
experiment you may have done at school,"
lectures h0ly_j0e, "where a liquid becomes
solid under pressure. Here it is being
affected by the sound waves from a sub-woofer.
However, the most exciting thing for me is
that the effect produced somehow reminds me of
my wife's cunt."
http://snipurl.com/dontfancyyoursmuch
>> Windows rap <<
"At first this is just a boring if silly
promotional video for Windows 386," bleeps
Notadaffodil, "but after 7 minutes it gets a
little freaky to say the least." Ha, this is
one in the eye for the Macolytes, was your
advertising ever this cool?
http://snipurl.com/bluescreenofrap
>> USB humping dog <<
"This item just screams B3ta," accuses
Floppysheep. Hmm, are we that easily
pigeon-holed? But he's right you know, we have
sudden and uncontrollable techno-lust for this
port-powered poking pooch.
http://snipurl.com/doggy_style
>> Ball crushing <<
Ladies, you'll never know the pain of having
your testicles slammed between a table and
book. And you complain that child-birth is
tough? You, dear, breast-laden ladies, you
don't know you are born. BTW: This is
apparently a deleted scene from the Jackass
movie. Can't say we really want to see the
rest of it.
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/
>> Adam Buxton revoices TV <<
Enjoyed this clip of Richard & Judy gameshow
segment where UK comedian Adam Buxton dubs the
audio to pretend to be a stoned caller.
Although part of our enjoyment largely comes
from the thought of the once potentially
ubiquitous new-face-of-Channel4 Adam having
simply nothing better to do than watch daytime
TV. Anyway, to give the final word to the
bloke who sent it in, 'Concurrency', "I love
this, it warms up nicely but is never
overplayed :)" Nice use of smiley there,
always enjoy that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Damn you B3ta readers, damn you to hell
>> Cat lady <<
"Talking of nominative determinism," Gavbad
mews, "Until recently, there was a vet at the
Ashleigh Veterinary Surgery on Upper Chorlton
Road, Manchester, called Kitty Healey. And
indeed she did. She's left now but you can
still see her mentioned on this shockwave
website. Click on 'about us', then 'staff'"
Wow. We wonder if she lived with comments that
she should "become a vet" from childhood and
it sparked an interest?
http://www.dna.tc/web/ash/CATS%20&%20DOGS%206....
>> Therapist = The Rapist gag <<
"I can't remember if you've done a piece about
URLs that can be misconstrued recently."
ponders Lemmiwinks, "Anyhoo this is a prime
example." Hmm, we're pretty sure we've done
the same joke before, but after writing 262
newsletters the brain does turn to mush
some-what. Lemmiwinks also apologises for
"wasting 14 seconds of your life," which is
kind of him.
http://www.therapistsuk.com/
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: B3TA COMPO RESULTS
War on Terror
You might remember in December, B3ta ran a
competition to win a board game called War on
Terror.
What with Christmas and an unexpected break
out of warts in the office, we've been a
little late in following this up.
Anyway, we asked you to complete the
tie-breaker, "George Bush is..." and the
winning replies were:
* "George W. Bush is a seriously
misoverestimated president" (daniel.c.johnson)
* "George Bush is Al-Qaeda employee of the
month" condensed.tomato.soup)
* "George W. Bush is a president,
He comes from Florida where he’s resident.
He used a rigged vote,
Tony Blair licks his scrote,
We hold these truths to be self evident."
(glasjay)
BTW: Out of over 150 entries there wasn't one
which was pro-Bush. We reckon if we'd run this
compo a year ago, things would have been very
different. Those newspaper reports saying Bush
has the lowest public approval in his career
are true.
http://www.waronterrortheboardgame.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the France/UK Challenge
Last week we wanted to know what life would be
like had France and Britain merged in the
1950s.
Your favourites included:
* FISH - cross-channel linguistic genius from
a true b3ta legend (Monkeon)
* RODIN - Mix British toilet humour with
French artistic flair, and the results are
obvious (hYpe,)
* DISTRICT LINE - the much-vaunted expansion
of London's tube system finally makes a real
difference south of the river (Bad Horsey)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/united_kingdom_of_fr...
>> New challenge: Film Sex For Prudes <<
In the olden days, film-makers couldn't show
sex, so they'd refer to it by showing trains
entering tunnels, waves crashing on beaches
etc. But what if these restrictions were still
in place? Design some modern visual euphemisms
for sex, but keep it 'innocent'. Animation
encouraged.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sex/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BEATEN BY AD AGENCY - We always try our
damnedest to keep advertising separate from our
editorial, so sponsorship is always clearly
labelled. So imagine our numb-shock when some
bloke from The Viral Factory phoned us up last
Friday afternoon and said, "You know that
video you ran from WordBomb, with the flicky
mobile phone? Well, that's our latest client
work for Samsung." Oops, we've been well and
truly got, and hats off to their team for
producing a bit of work we liked so much we
ran it as content. Watch it again, and this
time they've lobbed us a back-hander to keep
us sweet.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/386032/its_flicky/
* MORE RUDE OZZY POLITICOS - Pleiades bleats,
"You simply cannot go past this famous
incident, 'Sir Winton Turnbull, a member of
the cavalleria rusticana, was raving and
ranting on the adjournment and shouted: "I am
a Country member". I interjected "I remember".
He could not understand why, for the first
time in all the years he had been speaking in
the House, there was instant and loud applause
from both sides.' BTW: This gag might become
clearer if you say it out loud.
* ON OUR REQUEST FOR TAX-FREE CIGS - Furness
gasps, "Easy. Doing it my way is not only
free, you actually get paid to smoke. 'How?' I
hear you ask in desperation. Simple...Medical
Testing. Virtually no-one goes for it since
that minor little incident a while back, and
they're always wanting people to test new
fags. You get as many as you want and get
money for doing it."
* WIKIPEDIA DEATHS - many of you wrote in with
messages like this one from Thistle, "Rob
Manuel - our Ginger Fuhrer - got killed many
times on Wikipedia as well but someone kept
changing it back. After I read the newsletter
I went to do it myself but someone had beaten
me to it!" Heh, we don't mind. We're actually
more surprised to see our carrot-topped godhead
listed as a 'British Radio Personality.'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rob_Manuel
* HOBBIT HOUSE TO GAZILLIONAIRE - Zaphod's
Wombat mutters, "A year or so ago I told B3ta
about a mate of mine who had built a
hobbit-like hippy sustainable house for him
and his family in the woods somewhere. His
bandwidth shot up and he was nearly made
bankrupt (he only had about £5 and some twigs
to his name anyway!). The upside of the
mention is that he's had enquiries from around
the world, from media and individuals, he's
now got a career and is super happy! B3ta has
all of teh interweb power!" Yay, we're like an
internet version of Cilla Black.
http://www.simondale.net/house/index.htm
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: FRIDAY GAME
Warioware game-a-like
"I've found a very entertaining little thing,"
confides Yeknom, "it would make a lovely
Friday game." Indeed it does, and we're
looking forward to the Wii versions of similar
ideas too.
http://www.armorgames.com/games/foursecondfrenzy_p...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something ripper and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* JADE GOODY'S COON BOX - following Big
Brother's successful attempts to turn racism
into light entertainment, bash out a flash
application which sounds out a number of
racial insults, "bud bud bud", "send 'em back"
etc. on a key press. For maximum embarrassment,
cover it in Endemol and Channel 4 logos.
* TOILET FLUSH QUESTION - Dermot O'Logical
asks,"Could B3ta please wield its enormous
yet subversive power over the world and fix it
for me to have everyone on the planet flush
their toilet at the same time, just to see
what would happen?" Hmm, maybe not. But
possibly some science types might like to
write in with their theories?
* A SMALL SAUSAGE WITH AIDS - gah, we've been
writing like a cunt for hours and we can't be
arsed to think of something proper to go here.
Sorry.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by hahn and
patrickolemouche. Top Tippery by cowjam
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Cheeky cunt award goes to Red
Rocket who states, "I have nothing whatsoever
to contribute to the newsletter, but it would
make my dreary little week if you'd give me a
special mention (a nice one of course) in the
thanks bit of the email anyway. After all, as
you say, nobody reads that bit. Go on, do it
for little old me." Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Word, props and respec' to tha b4ta
posse of 30-something mums and dads.
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TOP TIP:
To clear your stuffed nose press your tongue
as hard as you can into the roof of your mouth
then push your finger between your eyebrows
and up a little bit. Do that a few times and
you should feel all that snot dribble down the
back of your throat. Mmm.
